My Missus
Used to work at a hotel in Belgravia, London, SWposh. The honeymoon suite had just been completely redecorated with provincial French furniture, a white four poster bed, white carpet, and a white sofa.
You know where this is going, don't you?
Young lady stayed for one night. It was the only room left, so she got the suite. She paid the money, and went upstairs. She left before breakfast was served at seven.
The chambermaids found the room at about 11am, with new clients ready to enjoy the beginning of their honeymoon by unpacking their luggage in there upsold suite.
The room was not pretty.
The woman had suffered a massive reboot of her ovarian operating system, and blood was EVERYWHERE.
Except the bathroom, oddly.
Cue my missus taking the credit card details of the woman who played banjo in Sergeant Zygote's Ragtime Band, and maxed the card out. Not just for cleanup, but for repairs. It was bad.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:07, 2 replies)

Mummy!!!!!!
When I was about 8 or so, I suffered with really bad nose bleeds and this incident led to my nose being cauterised (ow).

I was casually sitting crosslegged in my nightie, talking to my Mum about The Far Away Tree and Mr Moonface or some other nonsense while my Mum was soaking in the bath.

I sneezed, nothing unusual there. Wiped the back of my hand across my nose and encountered the familiar sight of blood and thought fiddlesticks (in a Far Away Tree stylee) went to stand up to get a tissue to head a splat on the tiles. I looked down to see firstly a big bloody patch on the front of my nightie which made it look like I had been disemboweled, then I looked at the floor and saw that I had sneezed out a blood clot roughly the size of a tennis ball *spews*

Alarmed, I alerted this situation to my Mother by saying "Mummy, a lump of meat fell out of my nose".
(GirlOfTheWorld, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:06, 3 replies)

DIY blood transfusion dream
I once had a dream where I had to perform my own blood transfusion in the bath.

One minute, I was on the school bus and suddenly, it transformed into an operating theatre. The next thing I know, I was in my bathtub with one of the kids in my class.

We had a pile of red blood cells and blood plasma in a separate pile and test-tube. The bathtub was gradually filling up, and for some reason, the bathroom was dimly lit. Both of us didn’t know what to do, but I soon figured it out. I came to the conclusion that the blood plasma was meant to be drunken, but the blood cells were to be poured down a slit at the back of my neck.

I quickly drunk the plasma, but the blood cells (in powdered form) were trickier to deal with. I was leaning forward in such a way that the slit would be as close to an upwards-facing direction as I could get it, but did not have any luck. I kept managing to miss the slit and pour some of the cells into the bath. By now, I was getting that familiar pins-and-needles feeling and was starting to feel faint, and realised that if I didn’t hurry, I’d loose consciousness due to lack of blood. This was making it harder to aim for the slit and was also worried that if I spilled all the blood cells in the bath, that would be my last chance. Fortunately, I woke up soon after.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:03, 4 replies)

ooh
All this talk of blood is giving me an incredible thirst, and I can't even come out of bed yet to get any.....oh well roll on night time


Love


Dracula
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Childbirth and the scary aftermath....
's'okay, I'm not talking about my offspring in derogatory terms there!

After I had my second baby, I haemmoraghed due to having some placenta left inside me. I calmly asked my partner to fetch some towels as I bled onto the sofa, creating a dark brown pool of blood behind me. I didn't make a scene at that point, as my nearly-3 year old was sitting at the other end of said sofa...

Oh, and after having an operation and needing a blood transfusion, the canulla in the back of my hand twisted and they had to wrench it back into place.

My partner would like me to try for a boy. Yeah, right.
(surfergirl is riding the wave of luurvveee, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:02, Reply)

One fine day
I was happily listening to music in my room while my dad and his wife / my stepmother (still hate that term) were arguing.

I then heard my dad shout "You stupid fucking cow, what the fuck have you done"

This intrigued me somewhat as my dad *very* rarely swears, and even then, its very mild.

I grabbed a glass from my desk and using it as a cover (I was 'going to get a drink') I wandered downstairs, where I hear whimpering from his wife.

By this time, its starting to freak me out, so at the bottom of the stairs, I compose myself and continue the walk into the kitchen.

I swing the door open slowly and...

Oh
My
God.

There is a thick puddle of blood on the floor, the phone off the hook, and my dad was there holding his wife's arms in the air looking at me with a face as white as a sheet.

Theres his favourite meat cleaver on the side, covered in blood, theres blood all over the kitchen worksurfaces, all over the floor, its everywhere.

He says "can you talk to the guy on the phone please"

I look at the caller display "999", oh joy methinks.

"Hi"
"Hello, this is Hampshire Ambulance Service, there is a team on it's way to you as we speak"
"Erm, thanks for your help"
"You're welcome, hope its ok, bye"
"Err, bye"

I turn to my dad and the sniveling wreck he is holding up, hes holding her wrists. Oh joy.

The ambulance turns up, she refuses to go to hospital.

The police response unit turns up, she refuses to go to hospital. She also refuses arrest. She is handcuffed and bandaged, then bundled into the ambulance.

3 hours later, she locks me out of the house, as its my fault she was arrested as I talked to the guy on the phone. Oh joy.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:01, 3 replies)

Scared of needles?
I'm not a big fan of needles, but I realised that this is pathetic. I needed to cure myself of the aversion. I became a blood donor. This would be a sort of therapy by familiarisation, and be virtuous to boot.

It has been educational. I learned that I can actually bear to look at the needle as it's in my arm. I learned that I can even force myself to watch as it's inserted. Bizarrely, the latter was less disturbing than the former.

The third thing I learned was that nurses have a language of their own - a language in which the words "You'll feel a sharp scratch" can be translated into standard English as "I'm about to attack your arm with a chisel."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:59, 8 replies)

Time for a quick pearoast, if I may.
I used to bleed an awful lot for somebody who never had a uterus, so I suspect some other entertaining ones will come to me eventually. In the meantime, this one's from the 'Phobias' qotw.
************************************
I've always been okay with injections. I don't mind people putting stuff into my veins. It's when they're taking blood that I go weak at the knees for some reason.

A couple of years ago, following concerns about a rather irregular and inexplicable weight loss, I booked in for a blood test. It doesn't help that you've got to fast for 12 hours so they can get a cleaner sample.

So this very nice Eastern European nurse measured my blood pressure, put on a tourniquet and stuck that bloody great needle in my arm. I had been looking the other way since she put the tourniquet on, and I felt alright up until she put the little plaster on my elbow. Then I started to feel very faint.

"Okay," she said, "let's get you to the sick bay"
And so I staggered down the corridor to said sick bay, being led/supported by this nurse. To this day, I'm amazed how well she managed. I don't mean to sound patronising, but even after the weight loss I was a 12st, 6'2" dead weight that this very slight 5'4" woman had to prevent from toppling over.

So I got there, and lay on this bed while she took my new blood pressure. I didn't catch the numbers, but the worried "oh..." she let out as she compared the before and after didn't bode well. Still, she then decided I needed plenty of sugar so I spent the morning being given a shovel-load of tea and biscuits, all on the NHS. At least they're good for something.

The irony? A couple of years later, I was sharing a flat with a medical student who needed blood samples for her research project. I let her take my blood in our living room. Clearly, I never learn.

Apologies for length. At least it won't get any longer with my blood pressure that low.
*****************************************
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:58, 1 reply)

I have a deviated septum
and had surgery to "fix" this problem a few years ago (it didn't work, merely transferred the problem to the other nostril).

This surgery basically involved having my septum broken into millions of little bits and then reset. To keep the septum in place they insert tampon-esque things up your nose.

When removing these things, you expect it to be a big old tug, and out comes a jamrag, but instead these things are made of cotton, rolled over and over like linguine. Having them romoved feels as though they are pulling spaghetti out of your nose. It's unpleasant. On the second nostril I began to boak a bit, and as the nurse finished removing the bolster I went forward and cracked my tender, bloody, uncomfortable nose on the nurse.

Blood and vomit spurted all over the nurse. I shouted in pain. I turned direction and gave my neighbour a liberal coating of blood and puke also.

I was discharged (!) shortly afterwards.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:58, 1 reply)

Come back later when I've thought of something
I've 'been a woman' for 20 years now, there has to be something.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:58, 1 reply)

bloody dentists!
I was at the Newcastle Dental Hopital for a root canal and crown. (No NHS dentists where I live so free treatment here)

The student-tooth-wrangler managed to slice a 3inch gash in the inside of my mouth with a mini-angle grinder while he was 'minimising my temporary cavity cover'

Epic blood ensued - back-up student fainted at the sight of the gown covered in blood and my dracula style blood trail from my mouth.

Then supervisor bollocked the baby-dentist in front of the whole class.

Good times!
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:57, Reply)

Tales of injuries?
Got a few of them...

I once fell on a fragment of glass and opened a vein in my wrist. I can still see the mark...

I'll post the stories a little later on, though, as I'm currently bleeding out the arse from being up to my nadgers in alligators at work...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Someone will post it, may as well be me
Sex during your period: perfectly fine, but the really lazy people who can't be arsed cleaning sheets and towels know to get down and dirty in the shower.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:55, 4 replies)

Blood.
Hmm, not the best topic.

I once had a massive abscess in my leg, (left shin) I was in the bath about age 15 getting ready to go to hospital to have it drained that day when it exploded, all this manky, skinking dark red blood and pus spewed out like a little volcano. I screamed for my mum to help, who bless her, mopped up the crap really fast before it spilled into the bath and flinging the tissue down the toilet, whilst I lay there cupping my balls to hide my wee man.

Also once sneezed whilst I had a bad nosebleed in the car; made the windscreen look like something out of Essex Boys. Crap tale, but looked ace!
(ice9, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:54, Reply)

Yay!
One for the ladies.


Come on girls......let's tell them what bleeding is all about.
( girlinthehole, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:52, 12 replies)

Nose Bleed
I once had a nose bleed after 2 sinus opperations. These were nasty opps to remove tumours and they left some damage.
The bleed itself was a burst blood vessal and I lost about 1.5L of blood. I was on a drip for 3 days and couldnt really do much for a few weeks.
Threw up blood for a day or two and shat black for a week.
( SiX and his hat, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Something on my face? Where?
I was eight years old, at school having lunch. Someone shoved me to the side to put their plate down on the table.
Being a master of physical comedy, I then boiiiiinged back and forth as if on a spring.

The reaction wasn't quite what I'd intended. No laughs, no giggles... just ashen faces and a scream from one of the younger kids.

The plate had hit the very edge of my eye-socket, breaking the skin to the bone. Blood was pouring down my face.
I must have looked like a nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but since it hadn't hurt at all I was blissfully unaware till a teacher led me away for repair work.
( chthonic, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:50, 1 reply)

Where do vampires keep their savings?
in the blood bank.

Fuck off, I can't think of anything better right now.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:48, 4 replies)

WWF
There is still a bloodstain on the bedroom ceiling of the room I shared with my brother when I was 8 and he was 5.

After one afternoon too many of watching WWF, my flying elbow drop onto his nose caused some pretty impressive carnage.

OK, I'll come back with better, I just wanted to get on the first page...

*skulks off*
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Oooo first page.
I'm a blood donor. So I've given away lots of the warm red stuff ... for a cup of skanky coffee and a chocolate biscuit every time.

The first time I ever went, the guy on the next bed over was making a bit of a fuss as they tried to "stick" him. Despite being told to sit still, he fidgeted away the whole time.

Once they've got the needle in and the blood flowing, they tape it lightly to your arm. This guy fidgeted so much the needle fell out and he sprayed blood all over the nurse. Then he sat up, and promptly fainted.

I always wondered if he ever went back to donate again.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Oh...
I donate my blood every so often.

The first time I did it well something went odd and when the nurse lady took the needle out my blood squirted about 4foot.

She looked at me and said "Well thats never happened before!" and then she gave me a cookie.

Thats all for now. (",)
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Sixth?
Curse 'off topic' and it's distraction.

Right then...'blood'

Story to follow.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:47, Reply)

1st
*edit bugger
( Trollman, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:47, Reply)

I think this post of mine fits the bill:
www.b3ta.com/talk/4390150
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:47, 10 replies)

The Great Head-banging Nosebleed Experiment
ok, not an experiment, I was saying that to suck you in.

this story takes place many moons ago

*wavy lines*

Picture the scene: I was a young metaller, resplendant in a Korn: Freak on a leash t shirt and enormous black cargo pants. My huge mane of blonde hair ready and willing to be flung around in out of time with the music.

The setting was the Cavern in Exeter a dingy underground hole which plays host to all manner of bands, but (for a while at least) had a good metal scene going on.
A few mates and I were watching a local unsigned band called Torna-K. we'd been to their previous 10 or so gigs and were probably their biggest fans.
Now this band was heavy as fuck, like Sepultura heavy, and naturally we were rockin' out, long hair lashing all and sundry.

Then disaster strikes!

I'm in the midst of the down stroke of my head-bang as the drummer from my band at the time is on the way up.
My nose meets his shoulder with a horrible cracking sound...

I stand up and shake my head to clear it. I have a few seconds grace before the pain kicks in. and the blood.
I had (and still have) never seen so much blood in my life. it was as if someone had stuffed a firehose full of blood into the back of my head and the only place it could escape from was my nose.
I cupped my hands under the flow and staggered in the direction of the toilets, my hands quickly full to overflowing with lovely red blood, leaving a trail across the dance floor.
The toilets at this place had a couple of doors to go through to get into them and as I approached the first someone was coming out.
Being the gentleman I am I gestured for them to go first.
Gestured in a slightly exagerrated manner with a double handful of blood. Basically this guy came out, and I threw a big load of blood on the floor. Lucky no one was in the way!
I managed to get into the toilets and over a sink. I was running the tap, trying to get the blood off my hands so I could tie my hair back and out of the way. Unfortunately my nose was bleeding onto my hands at about the same rate the tap was running, so this was a bit of a vicious circle...
I eventually figured this out and sorted out my hair and some toilet roll to bung up my hose nose.
It looked like someone had been murdered in the toilet....blood was all over the floor, the sink, the wall...

naturally I did what anyone would do in that situation and wrote my name in huge letters across the white tiles in blood, before going back out to enjoy the rest of the gig.
I seem to remember them doing a great cover of Wherever I may roam by Metallica and giving a shout out to the guy who bled everywhere.

It wasn't until the next morning that I woke up and found that my nose moved about with a painful crunching. That'll be broken then!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:45, 2 replies)

1?
Damn.

And, once again, I don't think I have any bloody stories.

Bloody. Geddit?

*searches memory for anecdotes*
*gives up*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:44, 3 replies)

Woo first
Once I managed to get first on a QOTW and I was being really smug about it so someone came and punched me in the face. Blood ensued
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 14:44, 1 reply)