One time i was bored at home and decided to while away the time
trying to see if i could fit a jam jar inside of my anus.
And wouldn't you know it, motherfucker broke while it was in there!
Hurt like a bastard.
Thank god i gave the videotape i made of the incident to my brother for safe keeping.
( pemulis, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 18:33, Reply)

As this week's question is dreadful. I'm asking another:
What decent websites do you recommend?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 18:30, 8 replies)

bla bla bla David Cronenberg

(McChinaman banned, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 18:23, 1 reply)

Ok, not my story

And it's a GC link, but if any of your stories are worse than this, I'll be impressed: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G_a64RBCLQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 17:33, Reply)

I put my dick in a bowl of creme anglaise once
I was fuckin dis custard
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 17:13, 2 replies)

I had warts on my feet.
Dissatisfied with the speed of the salicylic acid treatment, I dug them out with a penknife. Oh so satisfying.
I had to be more careful with the one on my wrist, so rather than gouge it all out at once, I carried on working away at it, until I had a quarter inch tower of wart and scabs, protruding from my wrist. Being at school, I was often offered money to bite it off.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 17:13, 2 replies)

I'm not too chuffed with my rolls of flab.
Is it next Thursday yet?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 17:05, Reply)

The first time I had piles I didn't have a fucking clue what had happened so I squatted over a mirror to have a look
The horror. The horror.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:56, 1 reply)

When getting laser eye surgery you can smell your own eyeballs burning
It's a fairly revolting smell. It reminded me of overgrilled octopus. It's the kind of smell you only really want to smell once.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:34, 12 replies)

This one time I fell off my million pound Chelsea scooter that hasn't been invented yet and scraped my face off on the driveway of one of my mansions
It was so sore that I hacked my own b3ta account and sent myself a picture of myself doing a big sexy flounce. Yadda yadda Marshmallow.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:32, 11 replies)

I've just come back from a minor eye op.
For a while I've had a lump in the corner of my eyelid the size of a pea. After the hassle with the Clockwork Orange lid clamps and some anaesthetic that didn't quite work they managed to excise it. If anyone wants to see what they didn't manage to scoop out with those dinky little curettage spoons and has since oozed out onto the dressing do, please, let me know.

I asked for a black dressing - looking like a pirate would be no small comfort - but, alas, the NHS did not oblige.
( jonbob loves you, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:17, 6 replies)

Only once did any part of my body truly disgust me.
It was my penis. Because it was in YM.
( Muns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:12, 2 replies)

I've got a slight case of athlete's foot at the moment
I got some spray-on powder from Boots and it seems to be clearing up
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:08, 2 replies)

when i had an umbilical hernia
which turned my belly button inside out and stretched it into a massive crescent moon shape. it looked fucking nasty.
i got rid of the belly button.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 16:03, 7 replies)

Adrenaline is brilliant
but, if you should ever fall off a motorbike and feel a slight sting in the hand and upon removing your glove notice that your middle digit looks "a bit wonky" under no circumstances grab the end and pull in an attempt to straighten it.

That is all.
(fivetide, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 15:53, 2 replies)

It hasn't....my mind, however, does it all the time

( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 15:48, Reply)

once, many years ago
I was in the bath, with an erection, busting for a piss.
long story short, I accidentally pissed into my own mouth.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 15:35, 4 replies)

This one time, I was stroking my willy and it spat in my eye.

( Muns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 15:25, 1 reply)

I always thought I could do with a prettier anus

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 15:15, 7 replies)

On both my feet
The gaps between the second and third toes are webbed.
That's the only slightly freaky thing I've got.
(Penguinbert killed Ken Dodd's dad's dog, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:52, 2 replies)

There was that time
when the moon came out and I turned immensely hairy, grew hideous fangs and claws, fucked Jenny Agutter and ate some American tourists.

Male periods, eh?
( .Yeti., Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:52, 1 reply)

Basically, it's the last time I tell them to put the quail's eggs on top.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:38, Reply)

Literally all of my suggestions were better than this one

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:35, 6 replies)

It hasn't.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:34, Reply)

I was terribly bored and was wondering how to create a bit of cheer for myself
so I decided to have a nice mid-afternoon wanking session. This was back in the day when there was no free net porn and one had to make do with your own imagination. I had been edging for about an hour and decided to up the stimulus but with what?

I went to micturate and there next to the taps was the very thing to up the masturbation ante, Macleans Original Fresh Mint toothpaste. Applying the product liberally to my willy I decided to use the lubricant properties to finish the job off quickly and because the mint was causing a bit of heat. I had my eyes closed and I promptly reached orgasm. All was good. In fact, not a bad wank at all.

No, all was not so good. On staring down at my wilting penis and hand they were both covered in blood, white toothpaste turning the mess a lurid pink. It had not occurred to me that the menthol would cause the blood vessels to erupt in this manner but they did. It was quite a shock to see my penis in such a sorry state and I was disgusted.

I say disgusted. . .
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:32, 8 replies)

I see so many disgusting bodies all the time I actually find the sight of my own body a welcome relief.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:21, Reply)

Emvee's gone too far this time
thechive.com/2013/07/10/i-dont-even-know-whats-right-anymore-38-photos-2/not-right-at-all-08-3/
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:14, 3 replies)

Third
When my body got to just under 24 stone and i saw myself naked.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:05, 2 replies)

Shed.
Fuck's sake.

What a stupid subject.

Adios.
(username failed moderation, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:05, Reply)

First
Man Tits
(CasuallyObscene, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:03, 1 reply)