My ex boss..
Quite average looking. Sort of attractive. Bit of a temper though. As I found out when I was photocopying some figures. I can't remember exactly what I'd done wrong, but apparently, I had. As I found out when she followed me to the photocopier, started shouting incoherantly at me, and then slapped me.

Luckily for me, One of the directors who I was friends with (who, incidentally was blonde and absolutely stunning) was walking by, and came in to see what was going on. She walked in, saw the slap. Told my boss to go and wait in her office, then, when my boss had gone, said she would be a witness for me if I wished to press charges.

My boss was then given the option to leave on medical grounds.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:14, Reply)

My missus is BONKERS
First post

Need to let you all know my missus is a complete mad bitch, she's beat me up several times, not because I am a wimp she'd just hard when she's off on one, any way tried pummeling her in the fudge basket once.

Ended up with nearly getting my head smashed in with a rolling pin and then having the police arrest me because she said I assaulted her, she hit herself to make sure she had marks.

F@#king police didnt even let me get dressed, was a cold night in the cells I tell you!!! well until 'Big Dave' cuddled me anyway.

Length & Girth, Dave had it all!!!

(oh yeah, she is really really really good looking & amazing in the sheets or anywhere in fact, so can't be arsed to find another)
(the great suprendo TA DA! *pulls white rabbit from outta trousers*, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 9:55, Reply)

not in lust but love...
I had the stupidity to get engaged to a girl that was crazy...

It wasn't enough that she always accused me of sleeping with other females....if I could doctor my story to cutting out females from the evening...she would accuse me of being gay.

One christmas I was staying at hers (she lived in Italy) I had a bastard hangover and was going through the usualy spanish inquisition(or brazilian inquisition in this case) Where were you? Who were you with? was there females? so...you were in a pub with no females? etc etc Being that my head was almost splitting, I tried to leave....next thing I knew, I was trying to escape, with her pulling at me with a force I never knew she had, i got to the door...whoops its closing...where have all the lights gone?....the nutter cracked me over the head with a candle stick holder and basically knocked me cold.

sex was fucking great though.
(Soulisdead, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 9:54, Reply)

to all the people

who tell a story along the lines of "I met a girl, and hilariously her having been abused as a child made her dysfunctional"

a) no shit
b) no funny.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 8:52, Reply)

A foreign story
I'm not going to let you know which country I live in because this particular scene is very small. The only hint I'll give is it's one of the Koreas. Bear with me anyway; this story has a big scandal in it.

I'm fairly involved in the punk scene in said country, and this concerns some of the locals. The main label/venue is called Skunk. It's run by a guy we'll call JH. At this time, a newer group of younger kids started a new label called Chaos. They really didn't like Skunk and started to spread some hurtful rumours about their rivals. The worst one was that JH of Skunk was a rapist.

That's a pretty hard charge. All I could say, being a foreigner, was I'm not getting involved. So we went for about half a year with these kids smearing the name of Skunk and basically destroying the country's best chance to break the cycle of horrible pop music. I wasn't sure if JH was a rapist, but one of the main Chaos organisers (appreciate that oxymoron) swore his girlfriend had been raped by JH.

Finally one day over MSN I accidentally dropped in a reference to this to my friend Joey, who's a friend of JH. He laughed and called BS. A minute later I was chatting with none other than the rapist himself, JH. Here's what he told me:

"One night, a punk girl I didn't know approached me in a bar and propositioned me. I said sure, so she hailed a taxi and we went back to my place. She paid for the taxi fare. We went in and started having sex. She said 'Don't tell my boyfriend about this.' I said 'Who's your boyfriend?' She answered, 'CS.'"

At that moment he figured out he was up to the hilt in one of his best friends' new girlfriends. Well it didn't stay a secret. I'm fuzzy on what happened next, but girls from this country are not expected to enjoy sex, so her only alternative was to say she'd been raped. Hence, CS and the other Chaos boys hated JH.

After I told JH they were calling him a rapist, he called them up and met in person for what I'm told was a very tearful reunion. Things went almost back to normal immediately. The girl was never seen again.

Maybe she's crazy for destroying a guy's reputation to save her own, or maybe those guys were crazy for believing her and treating an innocent guy like a sex criminal. Either way, it was crazy.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 7:26, Reply)

Never judge a book etc...
In one of those moments that makes me feel I might actually be cool, but which later turn out to be anything but the case, I was at a party one night and actually picked up good-looking girl.
"Would you care to come back to my place for a nightcap?" says I.
"Why yes indeed I would," she replies, "and some sex would be super too."
As we were leaving, my flatmate, who had introduced us, raised her eyebrows and said: "Oh well, I guess you know what you're doing."
So we arrive at my house, head straight into my bedroom and start snogging and struggling out of our clothes.
Seconds later, we're in bed, in a hot embrace, I'm thinking I'm an absolute certainty here when she pushes me away and starts crying.
Then she started giggling and grabbed for me again... And so it begins.
For the next hour, she would alternate between clutching madly at me, hands going everywhere they should, then pushing me away.
Clothes would come off, clothes would go on. Put your hand here would be ordered, get your hands off would be screamed.
Fits of laughter would be interspersed with sobs.
Eventually, with sobriety finally clicking in, I realised something was terribly wrong and asked if she was OK.
"Oh I'm sorry," she says, "I've been on anti-depressants for years and stopped taking them today.... and you remind me of my uncle who tried to touch me when I was a girl."
Instantly sober I suggested perhaps I should take her home.
No dice.
She wanted to stay the night, insisted everything was fine, I tried to talk her out of it but eventually we wind up back on my bed (I'm dressed again by this stage) and I start to doze off.
A few minutes later I hear her rustling about, then moving out into the kitchen where she opened a few drawers (the cutlery drawer unless I was mistaken) and comes back into the room.
In an instant I'm out of bed, holding the pillow like a shield and turning on the light.
She's screaming "What? What?" I'm yelling "Where's the knife???" she's confusedly clutching a glass of water (and had somehow slipped back out of her clothes), I'm terrified, she's embarrassed, it's a pillow-tumbler Mexican stand-off... she starts screaming, I start running, it's utter chaos.
"Oh yeah," says my flatmate, who had introduced us the night before after the girl had calmed down enough to get dressed and accept a ride home, "I should have mentioned she had a few problems at the moment".
....
On the upside, about a week later I did start shagging another girl I met at the same party and she was a dirty, dirty, piece of work.
It was a great pity when her fiance came home from an overseas trip and we had to stop...
( difficultchild, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 4:49, Reply)

Let me just mention
I've looked through all the previous posts wondering if one of you is my ex.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 4:34, Reply)

Fit mentalist
Travelling around Canada I found myself staying in a yoof hostel in Vancouver. Some geezer from Norwich asked me if I fancied a trip to Wreck Beach, apparently it's supposed to be a nudie beach where you can get all manner of drugs. Fuck yes!
Now, by this age I should have worked out that all nudist beaches that are open to the general public and located very near major metropolis's are always packed with fat, hairy men. Alas, I was still under the impression that I would soon be surrounded by hot young naked birds as I made my way down onto the beach only to be confroned by... a bunch of fat, naked hairy men all noncing each other up. It was only the hope of securing some drugs that saw me saunter past these beached whales with beards and take my seat on the sand with the others from the hostel.
After about 5 minutes we were approached by some guy offering drugs.
"What have you got?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, I haven't done any shrooms in a while, have you got any of them?"
"Certainly, sir"
So me and a few of the lads gobbled down some strange looking blue mushrooms and proceeded to get pretty messed up. Everything was cool as long as I kept focussing on the group but every time I let my attention wander I would be faced with the image of a fat man with a pulsating little purple head and it would freak me the fuck out.
It was just as we started realling peaking that a vision of loveliness made her way onto the beach. She had a blond bob, sparkling blue eyes and a completely shaved snatch. She wore nothing more than a tiny little white vest and was happily strolling around chatting with all the guys who all seemed to know her name.
As Crystal (for that was her name) approached, I was transfixed. She was fit.. and naked... and she was looking at me. It was all a bit much.
And then she started screaming..
"you're the cunt that got Tiffany pregnant, you dirty fucking cunt. I'll fucking kill you"
And with that she started throwing sand and rocks at me, trying to scratch and kick me and just going completely mental.
Bus Ticket to Nudie beach: $2
Strong Mushrooms: $15
Getting a kicking from a hot, naked mentalist whilst tripping your tits off on mushrroms: absolutely terrifying.

P.S. just in case you were wondering if it was me that got Tiffany preganant, I didn't. I fisted her so badly there's no chance of her ever having kids.
(Stainer Has been treating objects like women since, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 4:29, Reply)

Also
wtf does potatoes deep mean? If it's what I think it is mail me *eViL & muCky laRf*
(bensMum I'm a tart. Why can't you cope with that?, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 3:14, Reply)

So
that'll be me then *grins in a mental manner*
(bensMum I'm a tart. Why can't you cope with that?, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 3:01, Reply)

How to Spot A Lesbian
I could write a pretty good guide on the subject. I am sure there are a quite a few guys out there who think being having 'lesb-dar' would be great. It isn't, because they aren't interested in guys; hence the term lesbian.

Anyway, several years ago I went out with an absolutely gorgeous woman; fun, intelligent, stunning, my height (ie under 5' 4"), slightly geekish (liked 'Myst' - yep, that long ago) etc. We mucked around for a few months, then I finally got her into bed - when she suddenly turned into the proverbial starfish. Hmmm, thinks I, maybe she needs a bit'o'toungue downstairs... WHAM. A knee to my jaw actually knocked a tooth out. Me - stunned, a lot of pain, blood everywhere, trying to find lost tooth. Her - got out of bed, starts dressing and says "I don't like that kind of thing".

Turns out she was terribly mixed up and hadn't really come to terms with being gay, and was over-compensating by trying to sleep with a lot of guys. She was three-timing me it turned out, and flung herself at one of my good friends a few days later - we aren't friends now, as he accepted with gusto on the top deck of a harbour cruise at the time.

I sort of feel sorry for her, because I am like that; but then again the bitch knocked one of my teeth out during sex - I have a false tooth now because of that.

Another lesson (and other story): no matter how gorgeous / good in bed / wonderful they might be - if they have a drug habit they will fuck you over, as that's all they care about.

And Strangelady? I'm 35, bachelor - mainly due to above events. I'd love to meet someone average and normal.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Tue 21 Nov 2006, 0:19, Reply)

voluntary kidnapped
back in the day of msn chat, I hooked up with this alledgedly lovely young lady from London who had just come back from her travels,
and us both being single and looking for fun, it seemed like a good idea at the time (oh! how naive I was!, but ever the horney badger (3 year drought, what's a bloke to do)
i thought we'd been talking long enough and her pic was nice enough, so wahey! potatoes deep!
I don't drive so I had to get the fucking national express from Leeds to Fucking London town on the bank holiday (same bank holiday the queen mum died! gawd rest her soul!)
eventually made it to the meeting point and there's the beautiful lady in the picture, well she was beutiful(ish) whan she took the picture 5 years ago! she then told me about how she often picks up guys of the t'itnerweb, but the last one came to her door and said he'd got a present for her in the boot of his car, the next thing she heard was the squealing of wheels as he got the fuck out of there. I never had that excuse as she knew damn well. well I was stuck there but ever the gentleman, i tried to do the manly thing, but by the third long awaited day,
I was near to crying (never realised how hard it was to get rhythm on a water bed), so to my ever lasting shame on the last day I feigned sleep, and even then when she STILL tried to tamper with me I resorted to waiting until she went to the lav ang gathering as much as my stuff as i could before running out into a completly random subord of london.
to a northern monkey like me it's a fuckin' big place! moral of the story is, London internet girls! NO!!!!!!
would apologise for the lentgh, but I don't know you so why should Icare what you think about my length, you did chose to read it after all!
mobsxxxx
(mr_mobs, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 0:11, Reply)

Strangelady
Wanna get married?

(does this make me beautiful but bonkers? haha)
(DRAGONSLAYER, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 0:08, Reply)

Until today
I would never call my girlfriend bonkers (for a start, she'd fucking knife me), but today was a bit weird. This is the same one by the way who I referred to in last weeks question, where I jokingly threatened her with rape, so the oddness is not entirely on her part.

She texts me, asking if I want to come over at 11:30 (we both go to the same Uni). I go, she meets me, brings me back to her room, very satisfactory blowjob. She refuses any offers of reciprocal oral pleasure, she climbs into bed, saying she's going to sleep. I kiss her goodnight, we say we love each other, I leave, feeling slightly used but cheery nonetheless. I've never been invited back to someone's room for a blowjob and nothing else, but I could get used to this.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Sigh...
I like to think I'm quite a sane, nice girl.

Which must be why I am still a spinster at the age of almost 27.

Boys, it is your own fault for picking beautiful nutters instead of an average looking sane woman.

One reasonable looking girl with minimal mental defects and minimal pubic hair seeks sane, nice boy for stupid amounts of sex and relationship? Anyone? No?

Sod it.

P.S. - Stop dumping women for no reason (Or for dull, squeaky voiced nail technitians called Vicky who have already told you that they ain't interested)and we will stop the crying and multiple text messages. Promise.

Edit: I mean seriously squeaky. Like nails down a sodding blackboard for crying out loud. And an inch of orange make-up.
(Just a girl., Mon 20 Nov 2006, 22:52, Reply)

Nutter
Back in the days of yore (year 6 2000-2001) It was a warm summer day. I was lying on the climbing frame, girls in summer dress' climbing up and down OVER me, how could I help it if I accidently took an elongated glimpse up their skirts (it was new to me - sex ed had just finished).
A cute new girl climbed up, then down, then up again within 30 seconds.
"Wahey, Is this a message?" thinks I.
She comes down - and stops.
"Oh my!" I say to my self. "Is she into these voyeuristic activities?"
I look up at her - she smiles - "This could go somewhere?"

THEN SHE STAMPS ON MY FUCKING FACE!

Blood everywhere, wood chippings in my cuts, it was messy.
After recovering from falling off the aforementioned climbing frame and the foot2face merging, I discovered she liked me quite alot (women eh?) and that was her way of telling me.
She moved schools a week later.

Honestly, give women the right to vote and look what happens.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 22:22, Reply)

Not me but a mates ex
They all seem to start like that, huh?
Wel, she was my mate before I knew him, but I still see em both.
God DAMN shes crazy. Fingernailslike skizzors. Shes infermas for trying to claw her boyfriends to death (and I dont mean only in sey), but after her psychotic fits of rage she cries and says "I cant beleve you hit me!"
He says "You were killing me with your claws... I didnt hit you, I held you back!"
Her: "You shouldnt have!"
Ive seen her bfs faces after a row... kinda like hellrasure.
(iowaseven hates your animations., Mon 20 Nov 2006, 22:09, Reply)

A girl I used to know
who was best friends with my then girlfriend.

Her first words to me were "Hi I'm XXXX. I was raped a while back. I'm ok now though" No idea if she was raped or not, but she was definitely messed up.

One time she stripped down to her thong and threatened to jump of a pier in the middle of winter to see if I would jump in to rescue her.

Another time she tried to start a fight for me with some big bastard who I'd never met nor spoken to but nonetheless wanted to kill me. I had to leave the pub by the back door and drag her home.

I met her old man once. He refused to let me into their house and denied her very existence and the fact that he had a daughter, until he worked out that I wasn't a potential boyfriend and so let me in.

She kept on offering it on a plate to me, and to be fair she was a lot better looking than my then gf, who I didn't even love, but I turned her down each time as I'm not the cheating type.

She's now got kids with some guy who's about 15 years older than her, she got pregnant a month or so after meeting him I think. I met them in a nightclub a while back and he squeezed hard and shook my hand for nearly 10 minutes in a "get the fuck away from my girlfriend" kinda way (think Eddie Izzard "small dick hand shake"). He's welcome to her.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 21:24, Reply)

We didn't date, but I don't know if he realized this.
This was back in high school. One Saturday evening at the mall, my best friend and I ran into a boy in our grade, his older brother ("Boy"), and their mother (my 7th grade science teacher).

Boy had a pretty face, he was very nice, unbiased, and a very caring person. I'll give him that.

-Asked me out a few days later, which I told him "Er.. uh.. I'll think about it." ("No.") I later told him we should just be friends as he didn't even know my last name.
(Cue 3 years of avoiding him in the hallways at school)
-I (mistakenly) gave the boy my AIM screen name, so I've been screening my IMs ever since.
-Boy obtained my phone number, which meant calling me oh just a tad too often, but it didn't matter because I more often ignored his calls (I'm a bit of a bitch I suppose).
-One day during high school in a history class, a mutual friend had purchased a lovely voice recorder, and recorded Boy describing ways he'd like to violate me.

Boy was also very very into cults. Not studying them, but joining them and trying to find acceptance. Eventually his brother and our mutual friend were planning a lovely intervention for him.

One day, Boy called me while I was on a lunch break at work. I decided that having avoided Boy successfully for about 6mo, it was time I made it not so awkward when we would run into each other at the mall again, so I answered. He proceeded to try convincing me that he had talked to a girl online, and he later talked to her on the phone (she was 14 and he was.. 19? He was very interested having a relationship with her even though she lived in NJ and we're on OH). She claimed her parents abused her, and once while calling her, the girl's mother answered. Boy decided to talk to the mother about her abusive problems (?!), and Mother went on to inform Boy that she worked for a credit card company or some other large corp and had the FBI on their way to his house to have him arrested for his "on-line sexual assault" on her daughter.

He told me he was terrified, would be tried and jailed, and everything in his life would be ruined after being labeled a sexual predator. So he was going to kill himself. For the next 15 minutes he tried to tell me he was going to do it, and that he wanted to hear me "say 'I love you' before I go." That didn't happen. Eventually I got him off the phone, and decided he was joking.

... Until the mutual friend (intervention and recordings, that guy) said he had received a call from Boy with the same story, and called 911 on him, had Boy committed to the psych ward.

Since his release, the only time we talked was online. Twice. He told me that the people of a town north of here are demonic and possessed, and to avoid the town with all strides. Unfortunately, his school was just beyond the town...

After that was months alter, where I hadn't seen him nor talked to him on the phone. I was sitting in my room and had noticed earlier in the day that I was cathign the sniffles. An IM then popped up on my screen from him, reading, "Hope you get well soon." Creeeeeeeeeeepy.

Was this too long? All appologies.
(afkun, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Not insane, just stupid.
I was in a very long term relationship, which to be frank was doomed from the start. Why?

We met when she shouted up from her window to mine in the floor above at uni to me, "give me a fag!" Then spent the evening seducing me.

I am an Omnivore, she was a serious Vegetarian. OK, fairly standard compromise ... she was an anti-vivisectionist, I was a career neuroscientist working on several mammalian species ... get the picture? Though later I did move on to cell culture (about 5 years later as it made me a bit schizo to work on things you love). She became a Solicitor as I carried on with a career in Science.
So, after moving in together in a small one bedroom house in Bristol, she comes home one day and presents me with The Timetable.
1. We are sharing the mortgage.
2. I'm getting pregnant next year.
3. You are giving up your job to look after the kids.
Me? "Uh.. OK".
All very well, apart from one thing. I didn't love her .. (heartless user, me?). My reticence due to the fact that all my ex-gf were still very good friends, and her being intensely jealous of ANY female, old or new that called me, the usual "You're sleeping with her aren't you? You don't LOVE ME!" (right, eventually. I didn't start seeing other ex-gf in that way until after 8 years or so, I was drunk, no excuse). Let's not even mention the day I spent "at the Senate House Library, I'll be back tomorrow" when actually I was having lunch with one ex-gf and spending some time in the lifts at the BBC "going up", and secluded spots in Richmond Park, followed by a night with another ex-gf in Brighton, before getting the train back the next day.
She had become colder and colder in bed, eventually making me sleep on the couch, locking herself in the shower ... when she asked me one day to "pay this visa bill for me, I have to go to a meeting early".

Now comes the "are you stupid or just sending me a message? bit".
Visa bills are itemised, date, time, location.
That weekend she "went to visit her mother" she was in a hotel (bridal suite) in South Wales, dinners for two, etc. She also asked me to pick up the photos from the shop. Kept mentioning the Barrister she "had regular contact with at work" was constantly mentioning how "fit" she was and how he thought "I had a pert bottom".

Eventually she helps me find a flat in another city where I was working. Takes all my stuff (never split up with a Solicitor) but feels guilty and buys me loads of replacements for christmas.

Nearly 10 years later she still comes round with the kids sometimes.

Now, the question is: Is she mental or is it me?
(cargo, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 19:53, Reply)

The memories...
First serious boyfriend. I was all of 15, 16, he was a year or so older. Oh, the times we had- he'd get utterly baked and call me up at quarter past stupid, rambling on and on about how he felt he really was Valyn Velfor (his mind-bogglingly terrible RP character who was quite obviously ripped off of Vincent Valentine, of Final Fantasy fame), that we really ought to get together and be superheroes, instead of merely giggling over the moronic scripts we were writing, how I had the perfect voice (I sound like Gary Coleman, for crying out loud) and how I should totally come over and we'll go sex one another up in the woods behind his trailer.
He was ruggedly handsome, even despite the somewhat frighteningly excessive amounts of body hair. I would have put up with the madness had he let me shag him.

After that, there was a nice boy that I acted horribly towards... still regretting that. Gorgeous. Didn't get into his pants either.

After him, there was Sicilian Boy. Around, oh, seven, eight years my senior (shut up, it seems more when you're 19). Let's just call him Betty.
Betty is convinced he is at least part wolf, can manipulate people's energy into making them hump like rabbits, has mood swings that rival the most hormonal of women, constantly verbally abuses JUST ABOUT EVERYONE, whines when I slug him for it, gets horribly, horribly drunk off a single shot of whiskey and spends the next few hours telling everyone that they're quite obviously inferior to him because THEY... are not Sicilian. He'd also call my family "a load of sheep-fuckers" and go on and on about how extraordinarily white-trash I was (I'm really not. Really. Stop looking at me like that).
The things I used to put up with for thirty seconds of disappointing sex every friday...

No apologies for length or girth, cos I know you all love it and want more.
(Sir Dixon Dongs Good evening, gentlemen., Mon 20 Nov 2006, 18:10, Reply)

My Ex was nuts
We weren't together for long and thank god, she came at me with scissors a few times. Went on about throwing herself down the stairs, hitting me all the usual stuff. Then when we broke up she said i was nuts.
( Duke Otterby you pre-verts, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 17:59, Reply)

My mates ex....
Broke in to his house, then when he returned with his new missus she threatened to kill herself.

Go on he said.

So she grabbed the Ikea special glass (the one that breaks when you knock a tetrapak against them) and ran upstairs and locked the bathroom door...

He followed her, kicked the door down and she went to smash the glass against the sink.

The edge of the sink sheared off. The glass remained in tact.

To which he started laughing.

So she threw the glass at him.

It hit door, the wall, the tiled floor and still remained in tact...

That was it, he was just pissing himself laughing, she stormed off and he never saw her again...The worst part was explaining the door and the sink to his mother.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Mon 20 Nov 2006, 17:44, Reply)

Not me but an ex...
I once went out with a guy whilst at uni and everything was going swimmingly..except for one thing. Every time we went somewhere for the evening he seemed to...well...glow. It was like he glittered. Having a tendancy to set my sights on those who are about to 'come out' I became concerned he was wearing make up or dabbling with the New Romantics. Even thought it was 2001 and not the 80's. Other people had started to notice that whenever he moved in a well lit bar/club little shiny reflections covered the walls.

I eventually plucked up the courage to ask him why he always looks like a human glitterball and he tells me about his psycho ex and the revenge she had decided to wreak on him.

When he had split up with her she had snuck into his house with a spare key and sprayed glitter spray ALL through his clothes drawers and wardrobes. This had happened FIVE years previously and he had moved house three times and done countless washes but...as we all know from annoying greetings cards...glitter is persistant. It is for life and not just for xmas.

I just laughed as I thought this was the best thought out (and therefore slightly bonkers) revenge I had ever heard of.

Well done to that girl as he did turn out to be a real Twunt.


Its not very big but I'm a ginger so my psychotic nature compensates more than enough.
(gingerclaire I wanna go out bouncin', Mon 20 Nov 2006, 17:15, Reply)

She broke up with me after four years
I'm back at my mum's house to recover

She calls me at about midnight to tell me that she's been out drinking in Highgate village and she's walking the long, dark and scary route back to hers. She wants me to stay on the line with her all the way home (about an hour's walk) in case she gets attacked on the way home. I'm sitting there in the middle of talking to my family about how she finished with me.

I say "get a fucking taxi", and hang up.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 17:06, Reply)

Mandy Dingle Look-a-like
She worked for a supplier of ours.
I didnt really fancy her, but I found the slightly saucy tones of her emails erotic, so I never discouraged her.
Her husband also worked for our supplier.
One day, during the obligatory mail coversation, she sent me a mail saying "Do you fancy getting together for a session of illicit sex?"
Were I single I would've jumped at the chance of no-strings humping, even if it had been with Jabba the Hutt (I am bipolar and during my manic phases I'll bonk anything).
But I was getting married that year, she knew of this.
I also had no intention to cause unnecessary hurt to her husband.
So I politely turned her down.
Then the mails took a turn for the worse. They became agressive, then apologetic, then I ignored them and she bombarded me with mail asking was I there, had she upset me.. etc etc.
Then they stopped.
A few weeks on I needed to order some stuff, and asked after her.
Apparently her husband had been banging a woman at the company, they'd been fired and she'd followed for her email conversations with me.
(LunarJim, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Byronic to Bunny Boiler in one easy move...
There is a fine, fine line between touchingly expressed endearments of true love and mad stalkerishness.

I'm fairly confident that a tearful phone call at three in the morning from an ex saying "My cat has died from AIDS" is on the wrong side of that line.

Click "I Like this" or I will follow you around for the next two years in a mopingly pathetic way, drink too much Merrydown cider and throw up through your letterbox.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Mon 20 Nov 2006, 16:30, Reply)

One for the girls
This is my ex.

I rest my case.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 16:22, Reply)

Firey Red Head Nurse
It seems such a cliche.. but also seems so true. Red heads are friggin' loopy. My delightful but deranged fling was with an Irish nurse called Kiara.. we only saw each other for about 4 months but it was 4 months I shall never, ever forget. She lived in Northern Ireland in 'Bandit Country' as she used to call it, basically the place was full of Republican balaclava botherers who hated the English. I'm English. Bugger.

Visiting her was always interesting, arriving at Belfast airport I always wondered if I'd ever return back to England in one piece, soldiers everywhere, graffiti and such on every street telling you in no uncertain terms how much they wished harm upon the English scum striding around their country.

Her father too, sweet Christ, her father had fists like an anvil and took an instant dislike to me. Kiara told me that the only English people they really hated were the posh accented sort.. so my regional accent would protect me from the inevitable kneecapping. I laid on the thickest Yorkshire accent I could while trying to stay alive. Sadly the reason for all this trauma and strife, the sex with this slim, busty nurse that let me do anything I desired.. started to fade as she became more and more odd.
Sex became more and more violent, before she asked for the occasional spanking, now she wanted proper beating.. sometimes not happy until welts and bruises festooned her pert bottom. The real uncomfortable moments came when she asked me if I'd be interested in 'play-rape'. This apparently was where she would go to some prearranged secluded place, and wander around for a bit.. I would be lurking in the shadows and surprise her by jumping her and for all intents and purposes raping her in some alley or on some waste ground. She seemed thrilled with the exciting new love-game. I felt slightly uncomfortable about it and tried to discourage the idea.
After a while the trips back and forth to her little village took a financial toll and the emotional and physical toll of almost having to beat her senseless to 'get her off' was just too much. That and her father had noticed some bruises on her arms and concluded I was abusing his precious little girl. He phoned me while I was in England, threatened me rather successfully by saying ' I'm going to cut off everything you touched her with..'

I think I'd had enough by then.

I tried to end it nicely and calmly but she left me a voice message saying 'It's 3am Hicksion, I'm going down to the car park where all those drunks and thugs hang out at night and if I'm done over it'll be your fault cos you're not there to do it instead, yer shit!'

Now that's seriously bonkers.

Great breasts though.
(Hicksion, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 16:05, Reply)