Attempted to insert credit card into PC...
...to complete an online purchase.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 23:02, 1 reply)

I've forgotten what b3ta was like when it used to be good

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 22:45, 9 replies)

This is grim (and a pearoast), sorry
Got back to my car after a long day at work, only to discover that some friendly bird had done an enormous poop on my windscreen, right in the middle of my field of vision.

I had nothing in the car to clean it off with - no water, no tissues, no scraper, nothing. But I couldn't have driven off, I wouldn't have been able to see anything.

So I cleaned it off with my hand.

Then, I reached into my pocket for my car keys. As I pulled them out, I had a bizarre moment of brain-fade and thought "What's that all over my hand?".

So I cheerfully licked my hand.

And then, of course, realised exactly what it was. And then immediately commenced with hacking, gagging and spitting to try and get the bird poop out of my mouth. I am an idiot.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 22:44, 3 replies)

My brother once saw a guy walk out a pub toilet with his cock still out.
(cs1ca, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 22:39, 9 replies)

Spent an hour lovingly making chicken soup from scratch
dumped the lot into a sieve held over the sink

It had been a long afternoon
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 21:18, 1 reply)

Did my belt up BEFORE tucking in my shirt,
upon realising my error, spent a few moments looking for Ctrl-Z. My hand even mimed the action.

It had been a long night.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 21:15, Reply)

Alzheimer's
Wet-chinned bag shanker's link below reminded me of my Nan. This happened about halfway between the conversation at the hospital where she didn't know who the Prime Minister was and the end, when my Nan was still able to live at home, albeit with the support of relatives who lived nearby. Due to living in London I'd not seen her for a while and my Mum had warned me that she had good days and bad days so I was prepared for the worst but when she opened the door she burst into a big smile and said "Oh, it's you!", gave me a big hug and took me into the living room for tea and biscuits.

We had a long conversation - she was very lucid about things that had happened years ago and she told me all about how she had met my grandad, her first job sewing at the clothes factory - and then the conversation turned to holidays she'd had. She talked a lot about Spain, as she and my grandad used to go out there all the time, but ultimately decided that her favourite country was Scotland. Then she got serious for a moment, touched my arm and said that she really wanted to go to Scotland again before she died.

I knew that she wouldn't be able to go to Scotland again, besides the Alzheimer's she had a number of other health issues and was physically very frail, so I tried to offer an alternative - rather than the mountains of Scotland, would she settle for visiting her sister who lived in the mountains of Wales, which were much closer and (just) possible to visit in a day? And after thinking about it, she said that she'd like that just as much.

I said my goodbyes and went back to London soon after. It was about three days later when my Mum rang. We talked a bit about my Nan and she said, "I shouldn't laugh, but she keeps coming out with these stories and some of them are hilarious. What's the name of that song, 'I been talking to Jesus' and all that?"
"Uh, Genesis? Has she gone all Phil Collins?"
"Well, I went round today and she was sitting with the Bible out, reading it. You know she's never been religious much and she said she was mostly reading the dedications written by members of the family over the years in the front pages, but she said she'd got it out because she'd been talking to Jesus."
"Uh, right?"
"Yes, she said that Jesus had been to visit her and that they'd had a long talk and everything was sorted out."
"Oh."
"Apparently Jesus was very nice but he said that she couldn't go to Scotland before she died."
"Ah."
"But then she said Jesus had told her that she could go to Wales."
"Oh. Um. Mum, there's something I need to tell you about Jesus."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 20:58, 13 replies)

Pretty much every night for months...
... I would get home from work and try to open the house with my car key. This was just after I'd passed my test, so having a car key was a novelty and obviously my brain hadn't yet learned that I now had TWO important keys, and that they did different things. Oddly, however, I never tried to start my car with my house key.

Also while on autopilot I referred to my girlfriend by the name of my previous girlfriend. Just the once.
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 20:16, 3 replies)

I wanted an M6 thread
I used a 6MM drill bit.

Arse.

End
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 19:40, 10 replies)

At work I've picked
up telephone handset and tried to dial using the numeric keypad on the computer
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 19:02, 3 replies)

Work.
Plug in equipment to test jig.
No response.
Swap cable for known good one.
No response.
Swap interface for known good one.
No response.
Swap laptop for known good one (EDIT: after a FUCKLOAD of checking and testing communication settings, parity, baud rate, bit timing, mask settings, protocol parameters...).
No response.
Check fuses on test jig.
Not blown.
Check interface for short circuits and open circuits.
No problem.
Check interface has control unit (sometimes they get 'borrowed')
Control unit present.
Swap control unit for known good unit.
No response.
Ask colleague for help.

Colleague looks at the screen for a moment, then turns it from Channel 2 back to Channel 1.

It Works. Channel 2 is plugged into thin air. Channel 1 is plugged into the test jig.

!"£$%^&*(!!!!!!!

Still, not bad as the bloke who did all of the above on a prototype car and complained he couldn't connect to the Automatic Transmission Control Module. It was a manual car.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 18:17, Reply)

This stupid cunt just wandered about my bins without even thinking about it.
Fuck's sake.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 18:12, Reply)

One of the pubs in a town I used to live in had been done up...
It was all smart now and did food. How glamorous! Glass bottles of ketchup!
I went in there with some friends a couple of nights after its grand reopening. We had been in there about 10 minutes when one of our number returned from a visit to the bogs and informed us that we wouldn't believe what he had seen there.

Off I went, and yes, the toilets were remarkable. Remarkably bad that is! The fucking clowns who had installed them had completely forgotten to fit any urinals in the gents! I had a slash in a cubicle and went back to laugh at the idiots who had made such a schoolboy error.

Or rather I went back to get the piss ripped out of me for not realising that the Gents were now where the ladies used to be and vice versa, and that I was a right cunt for assuming that an architect, project manager and team of builders and plumbers were idiots, while I was of course a genius for not being at least part aware that I was standing in a ladies toilet looking all smug.

And then we spoke about the foot lever activated taps that had started the bloody conversation in the first place.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 18:09, Reply)

Stupid things I've done?
Your mum.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:48, 6 replies)

It's no laughing matter.
www.b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/post1208033
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:42, Reply)

Cold start
One cold and grey morning, for some reason the motorcycle wouldn't start. It was churning away, but not catching. After a while I decided to try bumping it. So I spent the next twenty minutes running up and down the street, getting increasingly hot and sweaty in all my waterproofs, with little success.

Bent over, gasping for breath, my head found itself next to the fuel tap. The tap that I turn off every time I stop the bike. The tap that I'd completely forgotten to turn on again, despite having to do it every time previously.

Since I'm sure the neighbours have all noticed this sweaty idiot running up and down the street swearing at Honda's crap electrics, I quietly turn the tap on and then bump-start the bike, so at least I look like I've won at least a tiny victory.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:24, 2 replies)

My First Car was a blue 2cv Special
2cv's have their gearstick protruding from the dash - the engine is small enough to have the gearbox inside the engine bay so the 'stick' links to a much smaller traditional looking shifter underneath the bonnet. There is nothing between the front seats in a 2cv. This, incidentally, enables furtive teenage fumblings in laybys without anything to snag your unbuckled trousers on. Fnar.

From time to time I would also drive my mothers lovely biege 5 door centrally locked Austin Metro Mayfair *gags*.

During the first couple of miles of driving the Metro *retch*, I would repeatedly punch the dash while attempting to select a different gear.
Conversely, switching back into the 2cv would see me fumbling around in the empty space between the seats trying to find a gearstick that wasnt there.
Never failed to confuse me.
(magictorch, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:24, 4 replies)

Normal idiocy
We don't have electric kettles here in Finland otherwise I would be putting it back into the fridge after use like I did in the UK.
(Klangtarnflatchslapper looks just like a Telefunken U-47, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:14, 4 replies)

Just today I had a serious panic.
I spent half an hour scouring my place for one of my guitars - opening cupboards, searching under beds, checking and rechecking inside guitar cases - even going out to the garage to see if I'd had a 'senior moment' and put it out there.
Whilst sitting racking my brains wondering where I'd left it, whether someone had broken in and just taken that one etc etc I realised I'd lent it to my daughter's boyfriend.
Even more galling, I'd even skyped him last night and seen it in his hand! fnaar.

I'm getting old.

*wanders off muttering I remember when this was all fields etc etc*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 17:10, 2 replies)

This one time I poured chicken stock out of the u-bend into a colander
and it turned out my key was in my pocket.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:47, 5 replies)

In the shower this morning...
I tried to shampoo dry hair.
(french, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:32, Reply)

If you’ve never done this you’re not human

The kitchen sink is blocked. So you put a bucket under the U-bend, remove it and catch all the water, clean the greasy crap out of the U-bend, and pour the whole lot down the sink.

I’ve done the stock thing to. There’s that lovely moment of befuddlement while you look at the chicken carcass in colander thinking “What was it was going to do with this?.....Oh Bugger!”

edit. Ah! beaten to it.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:30, 3 replies)

Fixing a blocked sink
Unscrewed the u-bend. Aha! Full of crap.

Poured it down the sink...
( chthonic, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:20, 4 replies)

Yeah I was flying my.. erm.. death star and I accidentally fired the.. photon torpedos? Yeah that's right, photon torpedos... right into the.. oh wait no I wasn't flying the death star that's the one I fired the photon torpedos at, I dunno then.
Anyway turns out it was all Star Wars
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 16:01, 2 replies)

Lager helps brain fade
A pearoast
I made my way home after a night out at a local club, I had partaken of much as happy water as was possible and still be able to walk the two miles home.
My flat mate came home from work at about 6-30 am, finding me asleep in front of the TV he woke me up with these words
"what ya doin ere mate"

This is when reality dawned on me. I had walked at least a mile and a half further than I needed. I had moved out the week before.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:54, 1 reply)

The kitchen tap was loose
so I needed to get at the the long bolt behind the sink. So, I emptied the undersink cupboard of all the cleaning product bottles that were in the way and tightened up the bolt. Tap securely attached to the sink again, I turned to look at all the bottles standing about me. My thought processes ran thus:-

"Now to put all these back in the cupboard. Undo. Where's the undo function? Hang on, there is no undo feature in real life. Fucksocks."

I really do spend too much time sitting at a computer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:49, 1 reply)

I used to be a moderately successful DJ and was booked to play really quite a lot
despite my penchant for removing the still-playing record from the turntable instead of the one that had finished.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:40, 4 replies)

Driving a manual rental car in Spain
Every time I wanted to change gear, I slammed my left hand into the door first. Every bastard time. To make matters worse, our apartment was just off a roundabout which totally confused the absolute fuck out of me.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:36, 4 replies)

A reply about getting confused between the apple command key and ctrl reminds me.
I own a Saab. For the uninitiated, for reasons I don't know, Saab decide to eschew the usual steering lock mechanism. Their chosen method of security is to lock the car into reverse. To facilitate this, the ignition is down by the gear-stick, rather than on the steering column. This comes with several caveats:

Attempting to drive another car will result in you poking the key about the gear stick.
Parking another car will result in you putting it into reverse, even if reverse is in a completely different place on that cars box.
Driving your own car will result in you trying to put the key into the non-existent ignition on the steering column.
You will start your own car in reverse from time-to-time.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 15:33, 7 replies)

nothing comperes to you
several years ago, my best mate was a compere for a stripper. he would get up on stage, warm up the crowd and call the birthday boy up on stage to be waggled at by said stripper. at that time, the irritating catchphrase was "WASSUP?", from that stupid fucking budweiser ad.
one particular night, i'd gone to work with him, as we were heading off to town straight after. waiting outside the last venue of the evening was the mother of the 18-year-old birthday boy who was set to receive the strippers' attentions. she pulled my mate aside for a quick word.
"my son really loves that budweiser advert, can you go in and shout "WASSUP?" over the mic? he'd love that."
"ok," my mate says, "what is it again?"
"wassup", replies the mother.
waiting at the edge of the stage for his cue, my mate repeatedly asks both me and the stripper "what is it?"
"wassup!" we both reply, getting a bit fed up by now.
of course, the inevitable happens. my mate receives his cue, walks out onto the stage, grabs the mic and shouts "WHAT IS IT?"
apparently, it's hard to take your clothes off when you can't stop laughing.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:51, 10 replies)