Well.... this
wot I wrote a while ago, drunkenly, as a response to Rory Lyon's odd and unrelenting focus upon a B3ta stalwart's mother, and never posted due to it being horrible enough in terms of both content and form that I was a bit ashamed:


Let's spare a thought for Rory's mum -
she cannot walk, she cannot run
she spends her life upon her bum
slowly dessicating.
The praline in life's chocolate-box -
she wheels herself down to the docks
and chows down on the sailors' cocks
to make 10p, fellating.

A wizened, crippled, dried-up cunt,
a mother to a spastic runt -
subsisting on the sacrement
that she is forced to swallow.
When she's done, she wheels back home -
her breath smells like the cocks she's blown -
each bump traversed brings forth a moan,
because they've fucked her hollow.

It's not for naught she sells herself
despite her age and failing health -
when Rory sees her hard-earned wealth
he gets a small erection.
With spittle dribbling down his chin
he snatches mummy's whoring-tin
runs to the meter, shoves 10p in -
--At last! Dialup connection.

"Not long now," he thinks with glee
"I'll troll them all, and then they'll see!"
But plans don't trump stupidity
and haven't since his birth.
Try as you might, you won't detect
a hint of wit or intellect -
in fact, it's best you just forget
that Rory crawls the earth.

Trembling fingers start to tap
upon the keyboard on his lap,
producing naught but worthless crap
all rendered with poor grammar.
He spazzes out opprobrium -
"YOUR FAT AND SOS YOURE FATTY MUM!!!1!11!"
- as subtle and as Swiftian
as a mongloid with a hammer.

Born from a back-alley ride,
a lion's roar, he claims with pride.
Sadly, though, the dull cunt lied -
which should be dealt with harshly.
Boasts aside, the truth is that
he's just a boring, trolling twat
- a neutered, mewling pussycat -
Mufasa? More like Parsley.

So spare a thought for Rory's mum -
it is a bad thing that she's done -
pretending that she had a son
instead of an abortion.
The flotsam from her genitalia -
paid for by a lonely sailor -
grew to be an abject failure
grotesque and malproportioned.
Wasting all his jobless time
posting banale shit online -
a spandrel from some sailor slime
squirted in a cripple.
For his hopes, and all his fears,
for all his tantrums, all his tears -
his twisted, tortured, wasted years
won't leave a fucking ripple.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 0:31, 70 replies)

Win

(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 6:46, closed)

prick
You do realise that he just trolls 4 lolz and he'll find this funny?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 7:28, closed)

I think trolls for lols is a bit much.
I would say trolls for pity and to feel worth in an otherwise sad and bleak life is more apt for rory our pet spastic.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 7:53, closed)

he's a real life lawyer with a property business.
So I doubt the bleak and sad life bit.

Soz.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 8:17, closed)

Seeing the amount of time he spends here
spouting his impotent vitriol - business can't be *that* good.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 8:25, closed)

I thought you had me on ignore?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 8:48, closed)

Too many syllables for him to read.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:39, closed)

Or, he's just going straight for the 'grass you up to your boss for being silly on the the internet' route.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:43, closed)

Wha?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:54, closed)

Or, perhaps, he's THAT good he doesn't need to put the hours in?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:34, closed)

This is Rory Lyon we're talking about.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:54, closed)

A
Property business eh? Didn't someone mention he was Irish??!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:49, closed)

Me too - AND I'm an astronaut!


And a fireman.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 10:52, closed)

So this is his second account.
Hi rory. *Waves*


Lawyer hahahahahahahaahahahahhahaaah Thank you so much for that little gem.


*Wipes tear from eye*
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 11:04, closed)

I'm not a second account. Soz bbz.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:07, closed)

Your arse kissing says otherwise.
Honey bunny.

Although his mum hasn't been on for a while defending his disabilities.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:10, closed)

I'm kissing nobody's arse.
Why would I bother? Rory takes the piss out of uptight pricks on here who take B3ta way too seriously. If you didn't cry about it it wouldn't be funny.

I have a dead mum too, but don't take this place seriously, hence no hectoring from Mr Lyon.

I think you pricks need to shit off back to your SFX subscriptions and Muse CDs and realise two very important things:

This is a comedy website

If you don't like a poster's contributions, put them on ignore.

Hope this helps.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:19, closed)

I think you need to stop being such a cry baby and try and relax on here more rory.
Your second account fools no-one as you temper tantrums on a comedy website shows you to be the usual retarded mess.

Seriously try and relax and enjoy b3ta.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:22, closed)

the best you can do is accuse me of being Rory's second account?
*golf clap*
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:26, closed)

*Golf Clap* I see your are pulling out the generic angry troll responses.

You really are too stressed and unoriginal for this site.

plumdozer = wah wah wah
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:27, closed)

I'm not in the least bit angry.
I'm amused that someone took time out to write a poem about another site user.

Kudos for not descending to the level of a patronising response, and some top level bellending.

EDIT- nice ninja skillz.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:30, closed)

I am amused your last few replies have been such an angry mess.
The second account really is lame and if it isn't then to be such a needy prick to suck up to rory and pretend he is a lawyer is funny in a sad pathetic way.



*Awaits generic angry troll response.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:33, closed)

I'm not sucking up and I am not in the least bit angry, why would I be?
And there's no pretence.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news etc etc.

Nice as well how you automatically assume that someone disagreeing with you must be a troll, rather than someone who just disagrees with you.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:44, closed)

Wah wah wah.

Get rid of that anger and enjoy b3ta.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:48, closed)

I am always baffled by people who get upset by people taking the piss on a website based around irreverent, often bad-taste, humour.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:38, closed)

I know.
I must be arse kissing you here AB, it's either take TMT's side or be a needy, brownnosing prick. It's impossible to conceive that there could be a middle ground.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:41, closed)

See, the thing is - I don't really believe that Rory's mum sucks cock on the dockside for money. I would go so far as to place money on the fact that this is not the case. I am merely taking the piss, in the same manner as Rory was with all his "mum" jokes. You are getting upset, rather than simply using the ignore button on posts you dislike, as you have suggested others should do. You really don't need to be getting angry about this.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:45, closed)

Don't worry with AB he is too busy with his country and western nowadays.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:48, closed)

Really? That must look like a Milky Bar advert.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:49, closed)

It was 'some cunt from Preston' you cloth-eared wanker.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:58, closed)

Hp defending trolling on QOTW.
The internet has come full circle ladies and gentlemen.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:49, closed)

Too true, plum go and cry it out.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:47, closed)

Yeah, coz constantly abusing people is humour and slagging off their qotw contributions is just taking the piss innit. Clearly everyone shares your vision, and the fact the place is down to a few dozen regulars who largely post nonsense is due to the weather.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 21:49, closed)

A lawyer?
Must be Charles Carreon.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:12, closed)

Just so long as he understands,
nobody likes him, we're good.

Top work there, I'm usually quite hostile to poetry, but that one did make me chuckle.
(username failed moderation, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:29, closed)

talking of which, what's happend to Mr Dedd?

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 7:51, closed)

He is
Still around, check out his awesome contribution this week, you won't be dissapointed...Much.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 10:28, closed)

Hey!
I noticed it.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:57, closed)

Although this is a good poem,
it is the glucose drip to Rory's life support.
( .Yeti., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 7:54, closed)

An eye for an eye
will make the whole world blind.
And then the one-eyed man will be king. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? A ONE-EYED KING?
You monster.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 8:19, closed)

I've got your one-eyed king right here, etc

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:09, closed)

*supplicates*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 10:20, closed)

Poetry is for faggots. Go outside and do something useful you spastic.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:23, closed)

JESUS CHRIST
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:25, closed)

Nicely done
Alas.
Being a the third rate anencephalic moron our Rory won't even recognise how badly he's just been burned, and will just vomit another stomachful of reeking bile onto our screens in the hope that it will gain him some miniscule hint of personal validation.
And a very tiny hard-on.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 9:44, closed)

I like praline

(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 11:20, closed)

Poor ol' Rory
Totally incapable of being able to form a response of any kind.

I'd pity him but I really can't be arsed.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 11:27, closed)

I clicked for the poem HP
but I'm kinda sad that this has garnered more responses than rapey-finger-boy further below.
Oh, well - b3ta.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 12:59, closed)

to be fair, most of them are from the same person stridently declaring that people shouldn't respond to things they don't like, and should simply use the 'ignore' button instead. Apparently, he skipped class the day they learned about hypocrisy. But thanks anyhow :)
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:02, closed)

This is well bent.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:28, closed)

Well I quite liked it
Cheers, HP
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 18:12, closed)

Wait ... so ... wait ... but ... have I got this right?
Somebody was deliberately annoying on the internet.
So you got annoyed and wrote a fucking mini-epic whine poem?
And some time later you thought it would be a good idea to share it. With the internet.

Are you a teenage emo on crystal meth?

Because otherwise I think you just found the supersecret room underneath the "tragic internet losers" level of Super Mario.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 18:33, closed)

I imagine this goes without saying, but I'm fairly indifferent to your tedious, bombastic fuckwittery. Thumbs-up for your awareness of crystal meth, though - I'd presumed you were more into the Sanatogen and HRT stage of life...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 20:11, closed)

Cry me a fucking psalm.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 20:15, closed)

you're not even worth a haiku.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 20:17, closed)

Yeah. You don't really get to play the "I'm not bovvered" card once you've committed your whining to clumsy verse.
Soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 21:07, closed)

Dr. Shambles is
a pain in the fucking arse
who would've known, eh?

*Note Shambo the the time and effort I've put into this - it's indicative of just how highly I think of you and your input here*
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jul 2012, 22:39, closed)

yeah, he was sick of being picked on by an internet prick
So he wrote a poem and was as much of a prick as the original prick.

I'm not sure what he was trying to do.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 20:43, closed)

He's certainly succeeded.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 21:08, closed)

Rory is ace. End of discussion.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 23:17, closed)

I don't think you're rory's type.
Soz.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 10:47, closed)