i didn't actually see it myself, but i feel as if i did...
my brother has a friend who considers himself a bit of an old school gent. you know the type of chap - when you hear stories, he sounds like a total bellsniffer, but when you actually know him, he's an incredibly decent guy. this one has a real way with words, but only thinks he has a real way with women. let's call him rupert, for that is what he sounds like.

so last summer they were all in puerto banus on a mate's stag do. everyone had a few beers round the pool, but rupert had also knocked back an enormous number of large glasses of rioja and quite a lot of vodka (they later found 2 receipts for 800 euros for bottles of "absolut" in his pocket. history does not relate whether he bought them or got scammed). the afternoon's pleasant sunbathing was interrupted by a gigantic SPLASH as a fully dressed rupert plunged into the pool and swam over to try and charm a gang of girls who were sunbathing on the other side of it.

eventually my brother and 2 of their friends had to drag rupert away and back to their hotel room. by this point he was complaining about his stomach and letting off trouser trumpets like a brass band. they got him into the bathroom and deposited him on the toilet. he swayed dangerously and let rip with a volley of disgusting farts, and then suddenly sat bolt upright.

"get out of here, you perverts!!" he thundered. needless to say, they were happy to comply. they were just about to head back to the pool, when there was a godalmighty crash from the bathroom. then rupert's voice came out from under the door. this time it was much less thundery.

"jimmy?" he quavered. "jimmy, i'm hurt!"

when they rushed back in, they saw that he had fallen off the toilet, head first into the bath. bent over it like a great big ugly pyramid. with a chocolate point at the peak.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Feb 2015, 16:47, 11 replies)

I once saw a short film showing a cancer drug that suppressed the vomit reflux, for a drug company my dad worked for
to demonstrate it, they had a cat restrained to a board with the top half of it's skull removed. I believe a cat has a similar vomit reflux to humans, to its misfortune.
A milky substance was syringed into the cat's mouth, and the electrodes that were applied to the cat's exposed brain stimulated the vomit reflux and cat vomited up the the milk. After the drug was administered the cat didn't vomit, proving it's efficacy. The cat's eyes were open for the entire video. I can still see them now.
The production values were also sub-par
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 16 Feb 2015, 11:43, 2 replies)

I recently had a really close-up view of a cunt.
He was standing at my front door making election promises.
(mallyjoe, Mon 16 Feb 2015, 9:57, 6 replies)

Yippee, pearost:
DLR to Tower Gateway, some time in early 2000.
Normal looking bloke with a cold blows his nose.
Then he starts licking it off his handkerchief.
Literally, he's holding his hanky taut with both hands and licking the runny snot off with a flicking, lizard-like tongue.
(mudskipper, Mon 16 Feb 2015, 8:50, Reply)

Reverse swimming pool prank
A couple of years ago, my significant other, our son and I were at the seaside. My dear half noticed a chap allowing his dog to shit on the pavement and was about to admonish him roundly for his lack of civic endeavour; she was, however, stunned silent by a seagull.

The big bastard swooped down and took the steaming turd in its mouth before it flew off with its meaty snickers.

By the big bastard, I mean the seagull. Not my missus.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 15 Feb 2015, 21:30, 3 replies)

This

(Carpe Cyprinidae, Sun 15 Feb 2015, 19:01, 2 replies)

(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Sun 15 Feb 2015, 16:26, 7 replies)

142 bus in Manchester...
...shabby bloke drinking milk from a plastic milk bottle. Shabby woman eating some kind of fish straight from a tin. Their subsequent kiss was the kind of full fat tuna brine horror I never wish to see again. Worrying thing is, now I think about it, I'm not sure if the kiss ever happened. I think it did. I don't know. Memory is shabby too. The couple was real, the bottle was real, the tinned fish was real, but there is a 20% chance the milk fish kiss was my own sexy fantasy.
(Fat Roland [0.01 posts a month and going strong], Sun 15 Feb 2015, 15:03, Reply)

My wife's Caesarean section immediately after our son was delivered.
I'm not squeamish, so it was an interesting thing to see, but amazing to think that she was fully conscious, and yet her lower abdomen was sliced wide open to such an extent I was surprised I couldn't see through to the table underneath.
( Varmint, Sun 15 Feb 2015, 14:29, 8 replies)

Susan, a skinny friend of mine wanted to work in the after-dinner speech circuit but was really bad at it
Thin Sue can't MC.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 15 Feb 2015, 11:19, 3 replies)

shitlocks
Saw someone at a festival taking a dump by a hedge, he had long dreadlocks in a ponytail reaching the ground as he squatted, I managed to look just as he sharted all over them.
Someone else told him what he'd done and he just shrugged, wiped his dreads on some grass and sauntered off.
Fair turned my stomach
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 21:20, 4 replies)

FIRST
Cheers
(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 16:35, 1 reply)

Holy Mary Mother of God
A gorgeous young lady once asked me along to a dinner party hosted by her boss. I reluctantly agreed because I wanted to be a good friend. A really good friend who would hold her tight and run his fingers through her long raven hair. An exceptionally good friend who would nuzzle her slender neck and whisper in her ear “ Cette sauce de haute qualite” etc. I yearned to fondle her velvet soft young breasts and gently stimulate her nipples. I was desperate to stroke the fine hairs on her lower back and to move my hand around to her soft warm belly; my fingers to explore the elastic around the top of her skimpy black satin panties. I could imagine our pulses racing as I slipped my fingers under the elastic and over her downy mound. My middle finger sliding down to the hot, slippery , soft … Er, mm, wait a minute what was the question? Oh yes.
Bernadette was a primary school teacher at a Catholic school. Her Headteacher was a nun and the Chair of Governors was the local priest. The priest was holding the dinner party for the Head and a few selected staff of the school. We arranged to arrive at the priest’s house at half seven. She would travel with her colleagues and I would arrive alone. I set off in good time because I wasn’t sure exactly where I was going and in pre-satnav days I had to rely on the old A to Z and asking passers -by for directions. As it happened, I arrived at the large Victorian house twenty minutes too early so I parked up round the back and had a fag. It was a late November evening and the rear of the house was shrouded in mist and darkness.
I’d hardly finished my fag when a light flicked on at the tradesmen’s entrance. If I could use that it would save me trekking round the side of the house back to the main entrance. Before my finger reached the doorbell though, I froze. Through the frosted glass I could see the Headteacher, in full nun’s garb, kneeling in prayer in the narrow corridor. Before her with his back to the wall stood the priest and he was resting his hand on her head. A touching moment of quiet religious reflection, I mused. Her head started to rock back and forth, very slowly at first but then increasingly faster. When she then moved her head back further, the black cloth thing on her head drew back like a curtain to reveal a very erect, and not one to be ashamed of, penis. I was in my twenties, they were both in their fifties. I was traumatised.
I beat a hasty retreat round to the front entrance and joined the other dinner party guests. I endured the following three hours bemused and bewildered as we all made polite small talk, not fully realising that the image of those two would stay with me forever.
And Bernadette? She dumped me after I had told her what I had seen because she was convinced it couldn't be true.
(mallyjoe, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 14:08, 4 replies)

Indecent Exposure
I was in a local pub with workmates in the early 1990s, for a pint during dinner break. It was hardly a horrible pub, but hardly a brilliant one. After a game of pool we chose a booth and sat down to finish our beers.

After a couple of minutes, we noticed a very dodgy-looking couple sitting in the booth opposite us. They looked to be mid 50s, and by coincidence, "mid 50s" probably described the last time either of them had had a wash.

The bloke was "portly" and had the face of a professional port-drinker. His clothes were held together by threads and sheer willpower. I was drawn to the crotch of his trousers which seems to have all the substance of a spider's web. I didn't look too much - but I could swear he'd decided to "go commando" ...

... and my worst fears were confirmed two seconds later when he slightly shifted position and his dick flopped out of one of the holes. I was not the only one transfixed by this sight - all my colleagues has seen and were muttering expletives as they couldn't believe what they were seeing.

The filthy bastard noticed that we were looking, reddened slightly and quietly shoved his dick back into the same hole it had just flopped out of, and then carried on chatting with his dirty-looking whore of a companion.

Dirty old bastard.
(iwrite4u, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 13:20, 2 replies)

feng shui cartoon sea

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 13:07, Reply)

This Spanish detective went to China in pursuit
of a murderer. The only clue he had was the guy's narrow fitting trainer had come off at the crime scene. The cop quickly apprehended the perp and when asked was it true that he had identified him solely (geddit?) from the footwear he said.
"Thin shoe, Canton, si"


I laugh, you weep, lol.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 14 Feb 2015, 11:49, 4 replies)

Chinese guys are unsanitary dirty bastards.
One time when living in a small town (just 1 million people) in China, I accompanied my girlfriend (now wife) to church, where she was getting baptised. I'm not into the whole Christianity thing, but what the fuck, I was getting regular sex and prepared to crawl through broken glass to keep on feeling like a functional human being.

So it's a pretty dismal spring morning, the ceremony is taking forever and I need a pee. I go out back, where the searing stench of ammonia rots my nasal lining and tells me that's where the gents is. I walk in, and directly in front of me I see a row of guys on squatter toilets. They are all smoking and the air is noxious; vile yellowing fag butts clog the urinal trench. The guy in front of me is on his mobile phone and smoking, at the same time as he blurts a series of watery turds out his arsehole.

I left the toilets and set my brain on fire.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 14 Feb 2015, 0:16, 8 replies)

Haven't we basically done this before when my question about public nudity was asked?
I still think my "birth" question was the better option considering it has never been asked before
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 23:39, 5 replies)

Last year I spent a few weeks in the South of the US visiting my cousin, who lives in Charlotte.
While there I bought some gifts for the family back home, and a pair of cheap trainers for myself. They looked pretty good but after walking a few miles in them my feet started to ache. It turned out that there was barely any substance to the sole and I could feel every pebble.

That same morning I was heading back to my cousin's place, still undecided whether to take the shoes back and ask for a refund, when I met my relative coming the other way with a couple of his mates. They were headed off to their shift in the food canning factory up the road and invited me to have a look round. I was pretty bored so decided to tag along. The guys clocked in and I joined a visitor group about to start on one of their organised tours. A mind-numbingly dull two hours followed as we saw room after room of boiling hot pipes, conveyor belts and vats. The only thing that kept me awake was the constant pain from my soles, walking up and down the metal staircases. I promised myself that as soon as we were finished I'd take the footwear straight back to the shop.

And then we came to the tinned fruit room. The catwalk over the production line had a sharp, overly-pronounced anti-slip pattern and the minute I set foot on it the agony was unbearable. Thankfully I spotted a pair of workman's boots sitting unattended by a litter bin, next to the nearest control panel. I hung back a little and, when no-one was looking, limped across and swapped footwear. I took a good few steps after the group. As luck would have it the boots were comfortable and just my size! By this point I was so sick of the running shoes in my hand that rather than carry them home, I hurled them towards the bin. Stupid idea. They missed by a good six inches and went sailing over the guard-rail, bounced once off a pipe and disappeared into an open vat of steaming fruit.

I looked around quickly. No-one had noticed a thing, so I quietly rejoined the group and finished the tour. A week later my cousin read in the local press about a product recall. Two households had reported finding the mangled, boiled remains of a flimsy trainer amongst their mandarin segments. And both of those were my thin shoe canned, NC.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 20:27, 10 replies)

Hudson Hawk

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 19:57, 3 replies)

mid-90's, I remember this incident very well as I had just taken delivery of the new Merc and had taken the Merc up to the golf club.
At the golf club I was horrified to see a gentleman playing golf in denim trousers. Imagine, denim trousers. Of course I reported this chap to the committee and he was banned for life. the Mercedes is a lovely car. Did I mention the car.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 19:55, 5 replies)

Unfunny pricks using the word "moribund"

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 19:44, 2 replies)

Just the other day I watched this all the way through to the end (NSFW)
- I wish I hadn't



Click for video (33mins 30seconds)
.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 16:41, 3 replies)

Dirty foreign types
I had the misfortune to live in a shared house in Chester run by a rental agency who never bothered to check references and sent any old hoo ha to live with you without consultation.

One such delight was an overweight Belgian who we shall call Chris, for this is what his parents deemed fit to name him. He had looked a little bit like Private Pile from Full Metal Jacket and spoke like Michael Jackson.

He used to make his fried breakfast in a wok because he couldn't fit it all in a frying pan, and his lunch normally consisted of 14 slices of bread and an entire pot of jam. I have no idea how he washed... our shower cubicle was too small for me when I was 11 stone, how he fitted 28 stone in that cubicle I have no idea. We guessed that his belly probably made a water tight seal around the cubicle leaving him only minutes to wash his upper half before he drowned.

Anyway, he did many disgusting things like sawing at his in-growing toe nails with my cook's knife and leaving us to clear out his room of bin bags full of Black Lace novels and copies of Voluptuous magazine all smeared in cake when he left the country after being sacked for gross misconduct.

One event though is indellibly burned into my retina and I fear it may be the last image that flashes before my eyes when I die. As you can imagine, no one really gets to that size without being incredibly fucking lazy. He has Sky installed in his room and when he wasn't working that was all he did, lay on his bed like Jabba in his palace. TV. Cake. Porn.

My bedroom was sadly next to the upstairs bathroom. I came home early one day, climbed the stairs to be confronted with the vision of his enormous wobbly arse mid-wipe. He'd taken to having a poo with the door open because he couldn't hear the TV with it shut.

Someone, please. Burn my eyes!
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 14:30, Reply)

Amorous Badger, star of hit documentary 'Fat Girls and Feeders', attempting to be funny on a moribund messageboard.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 14:28, 8 replies)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 13:48, 2 replies)

This.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 13:47, 4 replies)

An empty QOTW page awaiting the first ever post.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Feb 2015, 13:46, Reply)