Somehow
I have been involved in at least three car accidents that could have been a lot worse, but weren't, so I lived :) I hasten to add that in only one of these accidents was I the driver, and in that instance it was not my fault (it's very hard for it to be your fault when you're sat still at a red light and someone comes up behind you from quite a distance and fails to stop) ... so, hurray for insurance and not dying! :))
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Gonna Puke
My Dad was in the forces and based in Germany, once a year he would drive us across Germany, Holland and Belgium and then catch the 4AM ferry to Dover and then drive across England to his Mum's in Devon.

His car was an old boxy Datsun Sunny Estate and it was so cool to me as a twelve year old. In the back seat would be my sister and I crammed in next to my Brother in his huge baby seat. My brother was always a snotty child and his explosive sneezes, would cover both my sister an I in his thick green snot. I hated car journeys with him.

One summer leave, my Dad was driving fast down country lanes. we were in the back moaning that we felt sick. Dad just drove faster in the misguided belief that getting there faster would end our suffering. Then it came and both my sister and I started to throw up into plastic bags that Mum had quickly found. The smell in the car was vile, but Dad did not like the rear windows down, it made a lot of noise while he was driving. The car did not have air con and must have been in the high thirties in temperature.

The last thing I saw was a plastic bag filled with my sister's vomit bouncing down the road because she had, despite protests from Dad, wound down the window and thrown her bag out because it was leaking on her dress! My sister was always the strong one.

As soon as she got to seventeen she was learning to drive and has had her own car since she was eighteen. Me, I still hate cars because that plastic smell inside makes me want to puke!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Two young trees were doing burnouts in my street.
I called the copse.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:51, 3 replies)

Sorry, but I don't drive.
Remember all those ads on TV that said "Don't Drink and Drive"?
I opted for "drink".
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:43, 2 replies)

Cars and my mother again
Mother had an annoying habit of never being ready when I went to pick her up. I used to have to either wait outside, fuming, or go into the house to find her 'making Dad's dinner in case he gets hungry' or 'just tidying the bathroom a bit'.

I cured her by parking outside the house one Sunday morning as usual, then playing the Hallelujah Chorus at full blast on t'stereo.

When she (and all the other neighbours) looked out of the window for where the noise was coming from, there I was, waiting patiently.

She was out of the front door like a rocket!

I kept that tape carefully but have never had to use it again.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:41, Reply)

I don't like cars
So I did not have a driving license for years until my late thirties. What finally folded me into getting a license was my new toy.

I was out with the boyfriend and wanted a new mountain bike, I was looking at a Kona Stinky in the bike shop, but the sales assistant had an attitude problem that meant that he was being disinterested and rude. The bike was £1200 and I wanted it, but the assistant was pissing me off. So I walked out in disgust and crossed over the road (Multey Plain in Plymouth) and walked in to Damerrals, the motorcycle dealer.

I had no way of riding a bike out of there and was only looking out of interest. While at Uni I had put a poster of the Fox Eye Fireblade on my wall because it was a beautiful bike, I did kind of like motorbikes too.

Then I saw her, an immaculate condition four year old Suzuki SV650S K3. I paid the man a fifty pound deposit and then asked him how I went about riding it home... Ahh, I need training! He asked me when I got my license and I looked sheepish.

So I applied for my license and started my training course and promptly parked my training bike into the back of my instructor! Cue laying on the road and crying like a five year old. The Sports bike then felt like a distant dream, but I visited the shop every week and sat on it dreaming the dream.

Finally I met the wife and she was a biker and bike instructor. She trained me up and bought me a little Honda CG125 to train on. I spent two years on that Little Honda and she rode the Suzuki, after she collected it from the shop for me. Our first ride on the Suzuki was amazing. Carol is a Kawasaki girl at heart, so little weeny Suzuki was not going to impress her. However, after a short trip up the motorway and seeing what the bike could do, she was grinning from ear to ear, she still likes our Suzuki.

Anyway, after a lot of training and a slow increase in my confidence, Carol told me I was ready for my tests. She took me to the test centre and sat there waiting while I was out and about with the examiner. I was convinced I had failed after a silly mistake and so just chilled out and enjoyed the ride, at least I could get the feel for what a test would be like for next time when I could pass.

Once back at the test centre Carol saw me and gave me the look, I shook my head no and she looked a little sad for me. The the Examiner came in and asked me to close the door. Carol and I waited for his explanation of my failure.

"Now then Mrs Flakes, I would like to congratulate you on passing your bike test. You had two minor faults, but with practice you will be fine!"

I was more proud of passing my Bike test than I was graduating from University.

That was two weeks ago, the Suzuki is booked in for her MOT today and if she passes, my Insurance covers me as of tomorrow morning. I have waited two and a half years to ride my Suzuki SV650S and fingers crossed, tomorrow will be the day.

The wife wants me to learn to drive the car next, but I don't like cars. I get Car sick all the time...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:35, 18 replies)

My parents were very anti-swearing and we kids were punished hard for transgressions
such as addressing a sibling as 'You bloody pig!'

So my mother never really heard me swear until some idiot overtaking an approaching car at speed swerved and nearly hit us head-on.

To my shame, had we crashed, the last words she ever heard would have been a loud 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK me!' from her dear demure daughter.

We never spoke of it again.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:31, Reply)

car stereos
Why is it that people with really expensive loud stereos always listen to worst shit imagineable?
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:27, 7 replies)

This happened last night
I was getting a lift up to a friends house from her and some idiot in a wanky little corsa decided to undertake her and nearly ram her (and me) off the road while doing so. Her response was (to him) "Stupid get! (Then to me) Pardon my language." Bless her.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 8:20, Reply)

Top tip
As a young lad I made a habit of driving rather too fast on shingle roads. As a result, one afternoon my old Fiat got the wobbles on and hampered by a bandaged hand, I tipped it over.

'Here's a novelty' thinks I and sits up straight to pay attention.

Things I learned
1. Close your eyes. The dirt and dust on the floor gets in your eyes
2. It hurts when the roof comes down and hits your head
3. It is VERY noisey
4. It doesn't just stop when you've had enough

Recently I had the misfortune to roll another car. I applied all my hard won knowledge and was very pleased with the outcome i.e. Me OK

Got very dizzy tho and had to sit down
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 6:01, 1 reply)

I was shopping for my current car and had a choice of 2
One was a dark silver colour but did not have the extras the other one did or the work done to the motor and cost $3000.00 more. The salesman, trying his best to make a sale said "Do you have kids? They will think you are so cool if you buy this car!" My reply was "The 2 11 year olds will say that, the older 2 will call me a wanker." I bought it anyway and my kids responded exactly as I had said when I pulled up the driveway. It looks a bit over the top but god, it's fuckin great to drive.


(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 5:57, 14 replies)

A bird shat on my windscreen.
It was our last date.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 4:56, 4 replies)

Shake It Up (1981)
Good stuff in its day.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 4:24, Reply)

Also
when driving in Greece, BEWARE COWS!

They hide in the darkness and then jump out and try and commit suicide, poor depressed bovines.
(Falco, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 4:09, Reply)

Quick word of advice...
...really, really don't wear sunglasses that filter out red light, especially when you're a bit hung over. Obvious problems result.


Yes I was an idiot not to have thought of that before driving through Cambridge.
(Falco, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 4:06, Reply)

This one time
I was driving my girlfriend home. Unbelievably, I ran out of petrol. We'd been pushing it, but I thought we hd just about enough to get back. So there we were, in the middle of nowhere, and we just had to walk back. The gf wasn't too happy about it - she thought it was a wind-up - but it wasn't like we had a choice, it was walk or stay there in the dark.

So we're walking back, and it was quite a nice night, warm, with the moon out. She apologised for thinking I was full of it, which was nice, but hey, she was the one in the wrong. I told her I wasn't like that, I wasn't like other guys. She was getting all romantic by now and said "Of course!"

Then the moon came out from behind a cloud and I turned into a werewolf. But it was alright, because we were just watching it on a film. Then I turned into a zombie and frightened her with my super-awesome 80s dancing.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 4:05, 3 replies)

Black Ice
I hit black ice on a duel carriageway causing a spin that sent me onto the wrong side of the road.

Luckily it was 5am so there was not much traffic on the other side, the accident caused my front wheel to be damaged so I couldn't move the car, first thing I did was to phone the police to close the road to stop a big accident.

Next was to phone a recovery truck to get the car out the way, I was standing on the side of the road next to the car on the phone to the recovery people when the truck hit, 2ft in the other direction and it would have hit me.

The one thing about the accident that will live with me forever is the look on the face of the fireman that ran towards me, It was a mixture of pure shock and amazement mixed with confusion.
I could see that he was thinking, how the fuck is this guy still alive and standing next to the wreck of a car when just about 50 meters away there is a flipped truck on the road.

It took them 5 hours to reopen the road

The Aftermath.


Article
tinyurl.com/2uaqx9j
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 3:53, 5 replies)

Top of the Automotive Class
As was customary at my school, teachers and students would allow their cars to be "fixed" in the Automotive class.

One day a teacher brought in an old car to have a flattish tire replaced.
All seem to go well until his wheel fell off whilst driving home from work. Causing him to have a quite severe crash. Alas, no one was hurt too badly.

The student who had that particular job, learnt that Rule #1 of replacing a wheel is to make sure you put the lug nuts back on.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 3:23, 1 reply)

Don't swerve for animals...
Best advice my dad ever gave me, because I grew up in South Australia, where the idiotic government has cursed the roads with the most lethal traffic device ever.
Brief backstory... South Australia has bugger all trees so the electricity company invented the Stobie Pole to hang lights and power lines off. Basically it's two steel I-beams with concrete in between.
These are planted on the side of the road, edge on to traffic.
Almost completely imovable, the basic result of hitting one is your car is sliced in half until momentum runs out.
I've seen engines pushed into the back seat. No kidding.
Here's a pic of a Ferrari that hit one at a relatively slow speed
tinyurl.com/stobie1
And another car that was going slightly faster.
tinyurl.com/stobie2
They're slowly being phased out, but in the meantime, this is what people in SA face every time they go for a drive and it's why if a cat or a dog runs out in front of your car, you DO NOT swerve.
( difficultchild, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 3:03, 3 replies)

Bullwinkle J Moose
My wife and I after spending a day in the north country of New Hampshire were lamenting that we had not seen any Moose (Alces Alces) while driving around. I was driving downhill on this section of the road about 70 MPH when my wife suddenly goes OH Sith a fukcing Moose. I in my stupid mood say Where and she says right in front of us. I look down the road and in the middle of it is a HUGE Freaking moose. I just keep looking at it when my wife yells STOP!!! (their too stupid to move out of the way and people just hit them and break their legs and get killed as they roll into the front seat). I slam my brakes and just keep seeing this Moose get closer and closer. We finally stop about 20 feet away from her with smoke from my tires and brakes pouring from under the hood. I remember that my friend Joe had been tailgating us since we left Canada. I look in my rear view mirror to see him and his wife with these very shocked expressions on their faces as they come to a stop behind us. He looked like he crapped himself. I look forward to see Mother Moose just looking at us then jumping from the middle of the road over the guard rail into the woods. We see her baby who takes a couple of hops then also goes over the guard rail. The rest of the trip was pretty quiet.
(Fredis dead, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 2:32, Reply)

I am a horribly soppy twat when it comes to little fluffy creatures.
I can grimly sit through hours of carnage watching war documentaries, a steely glint in my eye as I watch men gunned down and blown up, but as soon as I drive past a dead thing on the road my guts crumple and I imagine the poor wee soul's last seconds.

While it might not be the top of my list, animals being senselessly killed on roads would be one of the top 20 things I would get rid of if I was Morgan Freeman for the day.

There was a fox on the M74 for somewhere in the region of two months before some lucky fellow was tasked with scraping what was left into a bag, and every day I drove past it it tugged at my tear ducts.

Which makes it even worse that even I, yes, I have slain an innocent creature in my mighty death machine of death!

I hit a bird just outside the village where I live in my old Honda Ballade about 11 years ago.

I drove up and down the road three times trying to find it in case it was still alive.

I used to be ashamed of being such a soft twat, but now I don't care, I yams what I yams.

I still eat delicious beef though.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 2:28, Reply)

After getting hideously wrecked
off buckfast after a glassjaw gig in Manchester I got a taxi which ended up costing me £120, plus a £60 soiling charge. The taxi's destination was Lancaster.

I live in Chorley.
(LeWizardDuBrie is flying the hatredcopter into your arse, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 2:17, Reply)

About 18 months ago
I was helping a couple of my friends move house. Most of the gear had been shifted and I was shuttling the last of it, along with my 2 friends and another friend to their new house. We were driving along a b-road alongside a motorway, the m74 if you're trying to hunt me down, and chatting away. As I hadn't seen my friends in quite a while we were chatting and laughing away merrily when, all of a sudden, I noticed about 40 metres in front of us a car had stopped in the road indicating to turn right at a small crossroads which, in my defence, hardly ever has any cars at it, and was sitting waiting for oncoming traffic to pass before doing so.

It's strange how time slows down. I remember hearing myself say "Oh!" and everyone else shutting up instantly. I was traveling at around 70mph and by now was worryingly close. Without thinking my foot hit the brake, but the car started gliding along on the stopped wheels. I thought for a second about pumping the brakes, but my brain kicked in and realised it was far far too late.

What happened next was weird. I felt totally calm. Still in super slo-mo, I released the brake, steered slightly to the side, mounted the grass verge, overtook the stationary car on the inside, hit a very high kerb on the other side of the crossroads and just glided over it, straightened the car up on the road and continued on as though nothing had happened.

Silence. Only the sound of the engine and the gentle crackling of me removing my hands from where they had lodged in the steering wheel could be heard. Then three of us burst into fits of laughter as we all realised we were still alive, with my other friend just sitting looking awestruck. We then realised the car I had almost hit was now in hot pursuit, but he gave up his rage induced chase after giving me a few rude hand signals.

It wasn't until a good while later that it dawned on me that had I over-steered, had the car not floated effortlessly over a six inch kerb at 50mph without me losing control, had the car skidded on the grass as I turned back onto the road, had I not somehow known not to press my foot as hard as possible to the floor on the brake,had these or any number of other probable outcomes of that crazy maneuver happened I and three of my friends would quite probably be dead or seriously injured, not to mention the driver of the other car. A few seconds lapse of concentration. I felt weird for a few days after that, it's the closest I've knowingly come to being dead.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 1:54, 2 replies)

Citroen ZX Diesel
was coming from South Wales with a Belgian band in the back (long story) for a day out from the studio and the approach into the centre of Bristol is a fairly fast dual carriage way until you reach some traffic lights.

Approaching said lights I apply the breaks and all is fine until the pedal suddenly lunges to the floor and our rate of deceleration is somewhat hampered.

Spying the rear of a very expensive, brand new car becoming imminently unmissable I do the only sensible thing and yank the wheel hard right, over a central dividing pavement and jam it into 1st from 5th.

Cue both front tyres to pop and it bottom out but by the will of god's of fate we came to rest on the forecourt of a tyre and brake centre.

Turns out the rear cylinder had exploded and pissed all the hydraulic fluid out.

One more in my profile
(Speshal, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 1:46, 3 replies)

Automatic bollards > idiots.
In Manchester city centre, there's a street that's closed to all traffic except buses. This restriction is enforced by a set of metal bollards at the end which automatically lower so that buses can pass through. Every now and then, some thick twat will try and outwit this system by tailgating an authorised vehicle in the hope of passing over the bollards while they're lowered; however, they usually wind up wrecking their own vehicle as the bollards start to rise immediately after the authorised vehicle has cleared them.

A few of these incidents have been caught on camera and immortalised.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 0:35, 4 replies)

Repost, but....
Ok, I'm actually ashamed of this one as I nearly killed myself and 2 other people doing this.

Hypocrisy? Well, you'll see. The short version is this:

I was driving home and came to a village (name witheld) which had a 40mph limit. Unfortunately, I was doing about 70 at the 40 limit sign. The roundabout was just after the sign and there was no way I was going to stop. Ever.

So I didn't and flew across the mini (ish) roundabout at about 65.

Right across the front of the car to my right which I damned nearly hit.

My reason for not stopping? I was on the phone.

Who to?

The guy who I nearly hit.... We were just telling each other we really shouldn't be on the phone while driving - shortly before a scream from him and his OH as "some crazy bastard has just driven over the roundabout at breakneck speed nearly killing us all.... Hang on JTW - was that you???"

This was about 6 years ago - he still reminds me and everyone else of this ....

The moral - don't talk and drive :)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 23:19, 3 replies)

My parents left me at a gas station in Missouri once.
On a trip from New Mexico to Ohio our family stopped at a gas station. After all the important folk had finished, my mom asked to the car in general, "is everyone here?" My brother said, "BC's not here". The parents, thinking he was kidding, and that I was in the back of the station wagon kept driving FOR AN HOUR!!!!

I came out of the head, and seeing I was alone searched in the bathrooms, in the convenience store, in the front and being a good little boy, didn't speak to anyone about it (they were ALL strangers, duh!) Instead, I went to the alley round back and had a good weep.

Finally, my mom was handing out fruit roll ups or the like and asked my brother to wake me. He replied, "I said he wasn't here." Cue brakes squealing, dad cursing, then speeding back to the gas station envisaging being the victim's family on America's Most Wanted.

I survived. They found me on the curb looking crest fallen and pitiful. I'm sure it has contributed to my issues, but at the time all I could do was cling to my dear old mom.

Mom's give the best hugs!!!!
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 22:51, 5 replies)

Losing your child on the Motorway.
I wasn’t born yet when this happened to my brother but have heard the family tell this story on many an occasion.

Mum, dad, and brothers were traveling on the motorway going on holiday. It was quite a long trip and being bored of fighting, the boys were all sleeping in the back.
The eldest who was about 6 at the time was sat curled up with a pillow having a doze. He was leaning against the door of the car all sleepy and comfy.
This is back in the olden days of not having by law to wear a seat belt, and there were no child locks fitted on the doors.

Guess what happened next?

Yep. The door flew open and my brother went flying out of the car, 70 miles per hour, ON THE MOTORWAY!
Parents screamed, brothers screamed, and they swerved over and screeched to a halt.
Luckily for him he was little and floppy, and somehow kept hold of his pillow. Also luckily they were traveling in the slow lane so he went skidding off onto the hard shoulder.

He was retrieved, shocked and stunned but perfectly Ok.
It makes me feel sick thinking of what could have happened that day.
I still gladly have 3 older brothers.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 22:42, 2 replies)

Cars and Animals
I was once driving in the mountains with a girl and a jack rabbit darted out in front of the car. I swerved, the car fishtailed on the gravel, first towards the mountain face, then towards the 1,000 foot drop, then back to the mountain, and so on until I finally got it under control and we sat panting until our hearts settled to 130 beats per minute.

I made a pact with animals at that moment: you stay out from in front of me and I won't run over you.

That holds to this day: a month or two ago I was driving home late after band rehearsal. It was dark and suddenly what do I see but a freshly struck deer was directly in my path.

I did what anyone else would do driving a VW Passat: I gripped the wheel and jumped it; bounced all around at landing and might have uttered a few epithets, but looking back, should have done a Dukes of Hazard "yeeee-hawwwww"!

Luckily, it hadn't frozen (Minnesota in February) so the damage was only the belly plate. Replaced it with this sucker: www.dieselgeek.com/servlet/Detail?no=374 and now I'm ready for anything.

It did smell like cooked venison for the next few days while driving.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 22 Apr 2010, 22:41, 3 replies)