If you swallow bubblegum
Your appendix will INSTANTLY burst.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 23:22, 2 replies)

i used to believe..
Wikipedia was true, and that you lot were actually funny.
(lordy lordy, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 23:15, 2 replies)

England had a great national football team
That would one day win the world cup again
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 23:09, 2 replies)

In around about 1980 or '81
my Dad took my younger brother and a five-or-six-year-old me to our local woolworths. It was spring and neither of our birthdays and Dad said we could pick one toy each, up to a certain value. I was confused by this - money was always tight at home and new toys only came on christmas or birthdays or by saving up the pocket money I got from my grandparents.

"Dad?" I asked "why am I getting a present now, when it's not christmas or my birthday?"
"Well, son" he said "I thought I'd buy you something now while I can, because I've just been made redundant"
"Does that mean I can have this lego?"
"Yes, son. Yes it does". He explained no further than that.

For the next several years, I believed that 'being made redundant' was a random mini-christmas, when you bought your kids toys, and not something to do with joblessness.
I wished my Dad would get made redundant again. I wanted more lego.

I found the news on tv very confusing. You should be happy, Anna Ford. Those people, they are getting lego!
(cs1ca, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 23:00, 3 replies)

That only girls could do the splits
Because they had that crack between their legs that made it possible.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 22:49, Reply)

I was still accepted into the choir
I went to a infants school where we used to have regular assemblies. Every morning we would sit on the wooden floors and sing rote memorised hymns led on by the overly enthusiastic deputy head.

Not having had a paticularly religious upbringing I didn't quite understand some of the songs but just went along with it anyway. Even so, one particular song stood out to me as being particularly puzzling.

It started with a simple question: "Who built the Ark?"
but the reply of "No one No one!" seemed strangely subversive to me given the Anglican environment we were in.

I carried on singing that even after I learn't that Noah was a name. My version just seemed to fit better.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 22:28, Reply)

When I was in primary school, rudimentary Church of England doctrine led me to believe that I was born in a manger.
( waz4444 Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 22:16, Reply)

Might make you cringe.
I have severe eczema, to the extent that aged 6, I was hospitalised for nearly six months because I pretty much had no skin. The reason for this? Slightly beforehand, I was introduced to the idea that, for the rest of my life, I'd be scarred.

To make me feel better, a nurse told me, "Scars are just brand new skin, like little babies have. There's nothing wrong with having them."

NEVER say that to a six year old. Seriously. Because I figured that, as babies didn't have horrible hives all over their skin, I just needed a new skin. I was already partway there- I'd made a good start! I just needed to get rid of the rest of it, and get the scars to join up in the middle.

Six months in fucking hospital.

So for fuck's sake, if you're going to lie to a sick kid, cut their fucking fingernails off first.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 22:06, 20 replies)

Oh and if I didnt tuck the duvet under my feet
The scorpions would crawl into my bed and kill me.


To be honest, I still believe this.


I am 32...
( zulu eh?, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:56, 5 replies)

Poo Shape
When I was quite little, because of the shapes of bums and buttocks I could never quite get my head around why my poo was cylindrical instead of discus shaped. After confiding in my brother I was informed that I must have a malfunctioning bottom.

I believed I was the only one not to have discus shaped poo for quite some time.

_{Excuse the pea}
( zacherynuk @echo off, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:54, Reply)

i thought you could untie your bellybutton
and your insides would fall out - like a balloon filled with water, just emptying out...
( zulu eh?, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:54, 3 replies)

hang on, what happened to last week's qotw?
or am i confusing wednesday with thursday again
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:46, 3 replies)

Places with the same name
I used to think that rather than there being two or more places with the same name, they were really only one place linked by wormholes in space-time.

So, to pick the example that started me off on this thinking, if we passed the sign for "Struan" just off the A9 somewhere near Dalwhinnie, it actually linked up with Struan on the Isle of Skye.

I probably read too much scifi and watched too many Open University physics programmes with my dad when I was little.
(gordonjcp, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:36, 1 reply)

There was a kids TV show called "The Riddlers" when I was growing up.
Kind of a puppet show thing.

Used to be convinced they lived in Riddrie.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 21:00, 2 replies)

For at least a couple of months
I thought a blowjob had something to do with sticking your cock in a hairdrier. I could not see why this was supposed to be a pleasurable experience.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 20:56, Reply)

A while back
I believed that the children were the future
We would teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty we possess inside
da da da da da
THE GREATEST LOVE of ALL
(Hammy1801 may have scabies!, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 20:53, 1 reply)

Where's Gladly ?
My grandparents were God Botherers, so I had to go to church frequently as I spent a lot of time with them in my childhood. One Sunday when I was around 3 or 4, apparently I searched the church at the end of the service, looking for "Gladly".

"Who's Gladly ?" my grandmother asked.

"The bear ! The bear with the funny eyes ! We sang about him last week ! Where is he ?"

My Gran couldn't work this out - we'd sung about a bear ?!? I was too young to go to Sunday school - there was no such thing as crèches back then, so what on earth was I on about ?

A quick chat with the verger to go through the hymns sung on the previous Sunday, and it all made sense:

"We shall now sing hymn number 311 - 'Keep Thou my Way'"

which contains the line:

'Gladly the cross I'd bear'.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 20:36, 3 replies)

The blair witch project
was a video tape somebody found in the woods.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 20:08, 2 replies)

*reads agape*

Wait... you mean to say...
(roysin, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 19:54, Reply)

Religion
'nuff said.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 19:36, 5 replies)

As a teenager I believed my way, and my way alone, was the right way and disapproving adults were old school morons. But now, as a middle-aged person, I realise I am not young enough to know everything.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 19:24, 3 replies)

Fuck it (2)
As a kid I used to fuck with everyone's heads by posting the QOTW answer a week late.

Might post something interesting and relevant later.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 19:21, Reply)

In France, they sell alcohol, porn, and shuriken to children,
no questions asked.
In America, you can buy KITT cars, but they're really expensive so hardly anyone does.
Hoverboards are real.
Two guys high on acid, one spots a giant lizard, so tries to kill it with darts (presumably, the nearest available weapon), hitting it repeatedly with his tiny harpoons. When he sobered up, he finds that his friend has bled to death, from hundreds of tiny wounds.
Even if you survive the lizard hallucinations, LSD is still best avoided, as you will have a flashback later in life and drive your car off the top floor of a multistorey carpark, or jump out in front of a tube train.
Ebenezer Goode was not about drugs, just a real fine geezer, who's very much maligned and misunderstood.
The Death Star was not just a special effect.
Father Christmas is real. Jesus? Probably a myth, like the Easter Bunny.
That empty patch of land up the road? Two houses were built there, but they were swallowed up on Christmas Day.
The French (again) put their tongues in your mouth when they kiss you - why?
My dad can do anything.

Once you grow up and realise that this is all bullshit, the world becomes a much less exciting place.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 19:19, 6 replies)

Only girls can play flute,
and only boys can play the trumpet.

I reasoned (aged 6) that this is because they have different shaped mouths. This also explains why only girls wear lipstick.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:58, Reply)

As a kid singing church songs
I didn't understand the word 'Hosanna', I used to think everyone was urging Suzanna to sing.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:46, 5 replies)

Condoms
Seeing the occasional used johnny while walking to school - my feverishly over-active mind went to work trying to figure out what they were for. I got it of course, and explained my findings to my similarly confused classmates. We had a vague understanding of the reproductive process - daddy lies on mummy, puts his willy in, stuff comes out, makes a baby. But condoms didn't seem to fit in this - they just interrupted the process... so... the only solution:

Condoms were designed so busy couples (ones where one partner worked nights for example) could ensure they still could have children. The daddy would fill the condom, tie a neat knot in the top, and pass it off to mummy. She could then, at her own convenience, empty the contents into her lulu and the baby would be on its way. Nice and neat and none of the "bedroom unpleasantness" as Harry Enfield succinctly put it.

We never really got to the point of why they always appeared underneath park benches though.


.
( gp_guineapig, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:43, 2 replies)

The Wombles
I always thought the Wombles were oddly modest, as they sang, "The Wombles of Wimbleton, common are we."

I always used to wonder why I never saw one, since they were so common.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:43, 4 replies)

footprints
I saw some footprints in a cement footpath, left by someone who'd walked on it before it was set.

I asked my mum how they got there.

'Oh, someone must have walked on it when it was wet.'

For years afterwards I couldn't understand why I didn't leave footprints in cement when it rained.
(inflateable, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:25, Reply)

Oh, I also thought that bloke off the telly with the tracksuit and the cigars was called Jim'll Saville

( Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:10, Reply)

I used to think The Pools was a swimming competition
so anyone who had 'won the pools' must have been very good at breaststroke
( Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 18:08, Reply)