True but tasteless paramedic humor...
Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with the family and stuff my face and punish my liver - when an emergency call came in for a "suspected suicide". Was shown into a bedroom by a very distraught flatmate of the victim where we found a guy in his early 20's hanging from electrical cord attached to a ceiling fan.
He was several hours deceased so my partner and I followed protocol by preserving the scene until the police could arrive to take over.

Whilst waiting, we both sat there in silence, occasionally muttering such profound comments to each other as "Hmm..." and "Well.." when my partner suddenly looks up at the deceased and says to me "That must be the biggest Christmas hanging ornament I’ve ever seen”.

I guess you had to be there...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:08, Reply)

Christmas pud anyone ?
My Gran is of an age where bowel and brain control can be difficult.
Last year, during christmas dinner (and a large glass of sherry), a pretty nasty smell was followed by an uncomfortable shuffling by my gran. "Sprouts ! - that's what the smell is" I thought - and hoped. Only when mum suggested my gran stand up, did we see the full extent of the problem. After an earlier "accident" my gran, now pantless, had shat herself. As she stood up, pieces of brown goodness fell to the floor. She picked one up, presenting it to us all. "Christmas pudding anyone ?" she said.
I laughed out loud, my mum didn't see the funny side. We've never spoken of it again.
( dogfish, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 7:36, Reply)

thermo-related animal disasters
One Christmas eve it was uber cold outside, I can't remember how cold but definitely below zero. I'd just finished icing the Christmas cake and I decided to give my hamster some of the left over icing as i kinda felt sorry for the little thing as my mother had made me move it into the conservatory for the christmas period. When i got there I found the little beast frozen solid to her food bowl and very dead. I wandered round the house crying, with my defrosting hamster dripping everywhere. Maybe we shouldn't have pets as this isn't the only unfortunate fluffy incident. Always check your tumble dryer for kittens who like the warmth - don't worry it lived! I love my cats. It was awful but the sound it made was funny- miaow...kerthunk...miaow....kerthunk.....miaow....kerthunk
(Mai, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:50, Reply)

So there I was, minding my Inn...
when this odd bloke turned up with a fat bird he had knocked-up on the back of his donkey.

I told them there was no room, but you wouldn't believe the crap they came up with so I stuck them in the stable out the back.

...wish I hadn't. What a faff - noise, babies, lights, then 3 dealers turned up with god-knows what.

Jesus Christ! What a mess.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Crackers = evil
Some bright spark decided a few years back to gut a xmas cracker, fill it with various explosive things and give it to me.

Me, being a bit tipsy, accept this strangely bulky cracker and pull.

BANG.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHYOULITTLESHITOHDEARGODMYSPLEEN!!!

I spent the rest of that Christmas unable to play on my brand spanking new computer (the only crimbo present my dad had ever gotten me) cos my right hand was wrapped in a large bandge.

Worst thing was, it looked like a wanking injury.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 1:59, Reply)

Christmas eve shopping, got locked in a shopping center till boxing day.
Fun.
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Gran
In the last 5 or so years my Gran was with us, she made a slow but sure trek to loonville.

Anyway, she'd heard I liked prawns so went out and bought me a large packet of the pink little critters one year; all wrapped up and nestling in a fishy little parcel under the tree.

Nice.
(declan_m, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 11:08, Reply)

Where to begin?
hmm. there's a few:

1971 - Did I ask for skis? Nope. Had I ever been on skis? No. Parents proceed to put me on skis, and push me down a hill. Cut to a parental shit fit when I don't qualify for the olympics on the first go. Then by all means, force me to stay outside and SKI, goddamit.

1975 - I own a humble but growing record collection. I don't own a record player. See that record player under the tree? Guess who its for? Not me.

1978 - Christmas Eve: The most exciting part of the evening occurs when one of my father's friends invites me outside for a fistfight. Him being too drunk to stand up for more than 11 seconds at a time.

1979 - I find a wrench on the side of the road, which I wrap, then put a bow on it. Merry Christmas Dad!

1980 through 1983 - A serious white powder habit wraps the holidays in a beautiful shiny haze.

1984 - Christmas Eve: No snow but plenty o booze. I pull a drunk friend from beneath a parked car, then we drive it across the garden into a tree. We live, car dies.

Christmas. Is it absolutely necessary?
(Drunkendragon, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:45, Reply)

car crash and mentalists
laaaast christmas was the one of evil. in october i was in a major car crash where i broke my pelvis in four places, the break messed up the blood flow in my body and a blood clot travelled into my lung.
after being in hospital for fucking ages because of my pelvis (and whilst being there being given two morphine overdoses, each nearly killed me), i came home on a drug called warfarin, to thin my blood, this made me haemorrhage at christmas time, i went into hospital where i lost in total two thirds of the blood in my body.
a couple of days before christmas, i'm sitting in hospital in and of conciousness due to blood loss, the curtain pulls back and reveals, HURRAY, my two time post op transexual MENTAL crazy father. oh joy.
when i come home for christmas (just), he proceeds to not talk to me for a week because i didn't go with him and the family to london on a train to see phantom of the opera stageshowness, which he had bought us all tickets for.
despite the fact i still couldn't actually walk. hurray.
incidently, just after christmas it snowed, i ventured out for the first time in ages, slipped on the ice and broke my wrist and elbow, which both swelled up massively because of the drugs. and then i broke my knee, and had it operated on. all just festive and fun reeeeally.... sorry for length
(gretelvonguhtts, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 4:32, Reply)

well...
when I was much younger, I seemed to be a bit of a pest.

my Older cousin and uncle would kindly take it upon themsleves to teach me some manners, and gently did so with the warmest intentions by shoving me into the garbage dumpster.

This was finally stopped by my mother who came outside completly shocked an appalled.

And on a lighter note, my uncle was given a ginat stuffed dog by his mother, which was worht about a hundred U.S. dollars. As at the time he was a bit short on money, he continued the evening by endearlingly referring to the new "pet" as 'Shitface.'

As a young boy, this new word was entirly a whole new world to me, and I continued to call many a thing 'Shitface.' Both at the home, outisde the home, and at the wonderful learning environment called school.
(TomBombadil- PWNS all at StarCraft till he got Call of Duty, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 6:10, Reply)

Too young
Thank God I'm still at the stage that I'm young enough to not screw up crimbo. I did actually have a nightmare one christmas though.
I dreamt Santa had gotten trapped in our chimney (we have an electric cheapo gas fire thing) and couldn't get back out. So he starved to death, much fun for my mother when I woke up screaming "MAM SANTAS ROTTING IN THE CHIMNEY".

Ah the good old days.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 3:55, Reply)

Xmas Suicide
Last year we had both sets of parents (mine and my wifes) over for the festive period and did the whole shebang. Bear in mind my better bit is French (and naturally so are her parents).

Halfway through dinner, mother-in-law gets up and announces that she wishes to end her life and then runs crying from our dining room. Cue my wife attempting to stop her mother throwing herself from bedroom window (unfortunately, successfully). My parents didn't have a clue as it was all in French. My wife was 8 months pregnant, so we decided to send them home pronto.

This year we put two fingers up to the lot of them and we are in Sydney, Australia, celebrating with friends. Unfortunately, I have food poisoning and it looks like I might be in hospital tomorrow! There is a moral in there somewhere.

Apols for festive longditude.
(thegripesofwrath, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:48, Reply)

'last christmas' by wham was topping the charts
For once everything came together the way it does on the telly.The paper hats and crackers and all that crap and everyone joining in.(A different house to the previous year where tensions ran so high that we were all convinced our parents would split up there and then.)
This Christmas was great,after our meal the bonhomie was well-nigh uncontainable.'Sing the song you made up' urged my older sisters....'er no' cue Mrs Doyle style chorus of 'Go on Go on'and whatever possessed me to think this was a good idea,I was very young I suppose and everyone was in such good humour I thought it would be alright.
This is the song I sang to the well-known 'wham' tune;
'Last Christmas, Ma and Da had a fight,
and Da called Ma
A dirty old Pox-bottle'

The masks slipped, the fight started all over again.
That was the year I ruined Christmas.
(pikey, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Outlaws Family Xmas

Her sister likes to do things properly, standing up during Queens speech, no presents until after the washing up. So the day tends to drag A LOT.

Then the Trivial Pursuit comes out, DEEP JOY.

After three hours we're only half way done because her mother needs to "take her time I'm thinking" and have the question read several times. She then takes up to 15 minutes to decide she doesn't know the answer.

Cue her sisters cat, she walks past me, sits at the side of the board watching. After a couple of minutes she bats one of the pieces clear of the board gets up and walks back past me, I'm sure she was smirking.

The game was abandoned because her mother was "getting tired". I'd almost lost the will to live but went to find a saucer of cream.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 9:52, Reply)

Top/Bottom 3
1986-Drunk uncle accidently shoots hole in roof during family argument at Grandmother's House, cue police and helicopters.....oh the shame....

2000-On the rocks with live-in bf, decide to drink a bottle of wine before we attend dinner at my mother's house.......so drunk I stand on balconey conversing and when mom turns head vomit over railing discreetly....pass out in dinner plate

2003-Get appendix out, horrible pain, bed-ridden, ex-bf out of town..depressed, thank god for codine and wine
(La Chockita, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 1:40, Reply)

Every Christmas in recent memory
and most New Year's, too. Mental illness pays no regard to what day it is.
(underachiever, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 0:59, Reply)

merry f*cking christmas
a few crimbos back my mum did a whole load of washing up 2 discover our beloved (if slighty damp), limp dead cat in the washing machine. fan bloody tastic eh? On the bright side he was nice and clean :(. I locked myself in my room 4 a day...and didnt speak 2 my mum 4 a week and missed out on all the turkey. bumhug
(homochicken, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 22:55, Reply)

Christmas 2000.
Just broke up with the ex hubby in the August, and come Christmas was single and having a great time. All my friends thought I'd been invited to each others places, so I never got an invite for Xmas and was too proud to say I'd be alone that day so didn't say anything.
Woke up Xmas morning, opened pressies mum had sent over, sobbed, sobbed a bit more, went to McDonalds for Christmas Dinner, sobbed more, pubs finally opened at 4pm.
Friends walked in with sheer look of horror on their faces and felt so guilty they got me pissed.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 19:17, Reply)

Tim Burton would be proud
of this week's question.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:02, Reply)

Animal Magic
Many years ago, when i was young, I got pets as Christmas presents. All the time. Every year. You see, they never lasted more than 12 months. Sometimes considerably less.
One frosty Christmas morning when i was about five or six i woke up and ran excitedly to open my presents. My mother waylaid me and told me that she thought Santa had run into a few problems this year, and I'd have to try and be a brave soldier. No worries, I thought, and opened my present. It was an enormous, beautiful Habitrail (hamster house thing). Only problem was, it was completely empty. Allegedly my stepdad had woken up in the middle of the night to find it empty. They'd searched high and low for the missing hamster, they'd phoned local radio to try and find a replacement, they'd even phoned the police (i reckon they were a bit tipsy). But to no avail.
It was kind of okay, apart from the sheer weird coincidence of getting a plastic rat in my Christmas cracker. Searching for the hamster was quite fun, and I got not only a hamster but a puppy too the day after Boxing Day. Bit of a nightmare for my parents on the day though.
Still, serves them right. Last year my stepdad admitted he was drunk and had trodden on it going to the toilet.
This year i'm hoping for a slightly more hardy present..maybe a pony.
First post..wooh!
(mookroolz, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Damn my little sister
On Christmas morn, I rose especially early for I was the nominated family member with responsiblity for cooking the turkey. As I wander downstairs I find my sister face down on the living rooms floor.

Why you might ask?

She'd gone out & done a bunch of pills the previous night and was coming down vv badly. Didn't so much make my Christmas bad as her, as she decided to blame a bug that was going round whilst I mocked her constantly in veiled comments. Was great actually. Ha.
(Lord of the Pies, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Fuck Christmas
Christmas Eve, the pikeys that live two floors above us decide to host the Chav of the Year awards, meaning that there were loads of cunts in our block all pissed up on Pink Lady talking like a Dick Van Dyke take on a yardie, cue massive fight erupting, Old Bill everywhere, aforementioned cunts start throwing stuff at peoples windows, I end up with more ventilation than was necessary at this time of year, I shout at pikeys, she cries, Old Bill nicks me 'cause I called her and her pratt of a boyfriend a pair of cunts.

Merry Christmas, fucking bollocks
(ray bentos, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 13:44, Reply)

Xmas is a week before new years day...
which is when your fucking girlfriend tells your entire circle of fucking friends and family that you've promised (under duress) as a new years resolution to give up smoking...its that or marriage.

So now every xmas will now become a reminder of a how I was happy once.

the world is a cunt and so is xmas.

48 hours without nicotine. cunt fuck fucking fuckerry
(notatoosyet, Sun 2 Jan 2005, 16:29, Reply)

The Da Vinci Code
It was present opening time and my wife was squeezing a book shaped prezie I had just given her.
"It is The Da Vinci Code?" she asks me.
"No, I was going to get you that, but it got terrible reviews on Amazon.co.uk" I replied "It seems its realy crap, poor navative, badly written, full of factual errors and only liked by non-readers and Americas" I continued.

You can guess what she bought me...

I didn't know where to watermeloning look!

P.S. I think the sware filter encourages me to sware more!
(NiceButDim it wasn't me, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 13:51, Reply)

Worst Pressie ever
1991 - back with parents after 3 years living with "her" (their words).
Trot downstairs on xmas morning and find a present addressed to me stuffed through the letterbox.
Open it - in front of deeply religious extended family - and the present falls from the wrapping onto the living room floor.
It's a porn mag, which flops open to a picture of Heidi enjoying Hans, with "remember me?" crudely tippexed across the top.
Thanks Judith. Sorry family.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 22:09, Reply)

Bit in the ass this year
My actual Christmas Day was fabulous.

But...the next day, one of my favourite cousins (with whom I haven't been able to hook up for months) called me. I was very excited and squealed, "How are you?!?"

"Not good," he says, "In fact, I'm dying."

He's dying. Of AIDS. I'm half in shock and half pissed off. How dare he die? How dare he keep it a secret from me (yes, yes, I know, he has a right , bla, bla, I'm still hurt) And how dare he get sick when we're only in our 40's?

And then to frost the cupcake, one of our best friends and his 21 yr old son are on a cycling trip. On the west coast of India, you know , the one completely obliterated by the tidal wave, Yeah, that one. No one's heard from them yet. They left only a few days ago and so may not even be in India yet, but no one knows. We're waiting to hear, sick with worry.

watermelon, watermelon, watermelon. watermelonity watermelon.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 27 Dec 2004, 19:44, Reply)

my birthday is on the 3rd of January.
My girlfriend didn't tell me she wanted to break up in time for me to not buy her a Christmas present, but in time for her to not have to buy me a birthday present.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 25 Dec 2004, 18:42, Reply)

just now
i was just getting off the loo, i spray some delightful smelly spray thing, and put it down on a shelf we have above the toilet.

and the shelf collapses.

the shouting has just about died down, but i can tell its not going to be a good christmas
('Andeh', Fri 24 Dec 2004, 22:57, Reply)

mince shites
the nightmare has begun, Christmas Eve and we have been promised a early(ish) finish by our lovely management, so to make things fair, all the 8am shift have been allowed to troll up at 8:30 so everyone work the same hours.
mmmh an extra half a hour in bed, wonderful you say, and yes it would have been if i hadn't had to wake up at 6am to make bloody mince pies for my group. I have to bloody show off don't I, so not normal ones no, poncy mincemeat and cranberries tartlets off the front cover of Good Food magazine.
they haven't worked, pastry hasn't risen enough and leaving them in a bit longer has resulted in a slighty chewy toffee like filling.

I may need to start today with a beer.

Thank god Morrisons opens at 7am today.

ps. also managed to step on a pine needle and am now going to work with a bleeding feet, Thank you Weazal for your fabulous "lets have a really tree this year idea", shame you haven't watered the bugger and now it dropping needles faster than Michael J Fox at a sewing convention
( Not just a hatstand inflamed in the membrane inflamed in the brain, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 7:10, Reply)

paper hats are VERY flammable
christmas dinner....dad stands up to take the token timed photograph....all's very picturesque...two children innocently swap christmas cracker hats over the CANDLELIT table...hat goes on fire...sister drops it on to chair....chair is of the cheap 80's type with a foam seat....chair goes on fire...cue much screaming and hilarity...we all lived.

a few years later....christmas tree is placed in dining room instead of sitting room for first year ever....all's lovely...tree sits nicely for two weeks....christmas dinner....everyone sits down....tree falls over into gravy...we pick tree out and eat gravy...yum yum.
(evil_beetle, Fri 24 Dec 2004, 2:06, Reply)