my mate
my mate told me a lad at his school was a bit weird. He once went to a local 'cottage' and stuck his cock through the glory hole. After a short while someone came in the other side and did the deed, sucked him off etc.

They both left the cubicles at the same time - IT WAS HIS DAD!

Yeah fucking right it was. Exactly which one of them told this story to someone?

Apols to Ricky Gervais who told me this gag on monday night. Did anyone go? Bit short wasnt it (the gig)

Apologies for length? I should think so Mr Gervais.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 11:22, Reply)

Last month
I was whinging about how Maquita Oliver was a stupid fat cunt. The very next day I saw her in a bar in Shoreditch and she was a lot prettier than I'd given her credit for.

I therefore concede that if a camera can make you look fat, why shouldn't it also make you look like a cunt, so please accept my apologies Maquita. I'm sure you are very nice.
(misteroz, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 11:10, Reply)

In the swedish tabloids this morning...
is the result of an under-cover inquiry into a "psychic healer" who is able to identify ilnesses and fix them... for a hefty sum.

80% of his patients got told:
"Dear GOD.. you have CANCER!! Within 9 months you'll be in hpspital, unable to even go to your opwn toilet, but for 40,000kr (about £3000 or with the US economy being in such good shape: $17) I can cure you of it.

This is Spooky I know.. but the people who shelled out to be saved from the cancer that he saw in them had thier lives spared: the cancer didn't appear. Infact.. when others got tested to verify his diagnosis, doctors couldn't find a trace...

He said he'd cured it out of sympathy: That man, although spooky is a God... *cough cough*

Just like David Blaine *giggle*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 15 Feb 2007, 11:02, Reply)

rachelswipe: once a knight....
surely you're jousting? knights on this board....
sp000o000kily tho' i was just thinking/daydreaming really, about pulling a sword from a stone-or was I putting it in? wheres that freud book?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:46, Reply)

spooooky
but not a coincidence as i paid for it! my friend dragged me off to see a psychic (with the glorious name of "mystic barry") one evening a couple of years ago when i was at lawschool.

i was actually, despite my cynicism, v v impressed.

ok, so 99% of it was probably lucky guesswork and a spooooky manner, but just some of the things that he came out with were really odd. he knew i was a lawyer despite jeans and t-shirt; he knew quite a few things about my family (for instance, he said confidently that he could see my grandma and that it was my dad's mum, before i'd spoken a word. she might well still have been alive for all he knew, i was only about 25 at the time) and he even predicted my ultimate area of law, which i didn't end up in until about 3 years later. it was spoooky enough for me to be very very surprised, if not convinced.

however, he did the reading with tarot cards as well as "clairvoyancy". looked at the cards and showed me a very cliched hot as hell knight on a white horse, saying that i was shortly about to be swept off my feet into the sunset.

needless to say this hasn't happened yet, unless any of you lot have a white stallion and a suit of armour hanging around anywhere.....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:42, Reply)

spooooky coincidence
I don't know what a rivermead is, never been there and now coincidentally I never want to go near one.
hows that sp0o0ky?
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:40, Reply)

EMO
Last night, I was slicing an onion when I accidentally cut myself. It gave me a warm funny feeling. In a flash, I became a mardy and self-absorbed 'special' person with an urge to write dark poetry and sit about in public places with my friends so everyone could see how different and sensitive I am. Fortunately, I was saved from Emo-dom by my wife, who swifly kicked me in the nuts and reminded me that I am a wage-slave loser who's going bald.

Phew! Thanks, Mrs Frankspencer.
(frankspencer, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:33, Reply)

Coincidence, but not spooky
In my capacity as a part time officer of the law, I was called to a domestic disturbance. A brother and sister, whose father had recently passed away, were arguing, mainly about the fact she didn't appreciate all the things her dad had done for her. The brother's top example of this was that he'd arranged for her to come and live in a nice new house in Macclesfield, after she'd been living in 'an absolute shit-hole, the arse-hole of the UK'. His rant about this place went on for several minutes. Just out of curiosity, I asked him where she used to live. Turns out it was Adswood in Stockport.

I live in Adswood. I've just bought a house there.

Can't argue with him though. The brick through our window at 3am on Christmas morning sums it up!
(superfuzz56, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:31, Reply)

Kitescreech.....
Even more spooooky (note the 4 os), I was actually at Rivermead last night picking my boy up from football!!!!!

And I live quite far away, about 5 miles, which is a long way if you're walking!

Now how much of a coincidence is that!

Length: not so long if you're in your car!
(anon_is_best, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:10, Reply)

Myspace coincidence (NON EMO)
I'm in a band (not an emo band).. naturally we have a myspace.
One day we uploaded a tune of ours called "small northern town".
Literally 20 minutes after we uploaded it, we clicked on the "cool new people" gay thing.. the guy had our tune as his profile song!!
Spose that's what happens when you write a belting tune.

now.. i'm off to toni and guy to get a fringe, and then i'm going to stab myself
(binarymilk Rossz csillag alatt született, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 10:01, Reply)

back to teh QOTW III
more spooked than spooooky, many moons ago: one of my students came to see me, was suffering with depression re the suicide of his bruv. (any excuse for an extension, eh?)
in conversation he suddenly went white, started shaking. Where did you get that picture? he sed.
it was given by a mate ses I, who it turned out later had been left it in the will of the jumpee.
he was so upset he forgot to ask for the extension.
and thats my only ref. to length today.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 9:22, Reply)

at a party
The other week I was at a party in Singapore. got chatting to a bloke & he asked where I used to live when I was in the UK.

Me: "Portsmouth"

Bloke: "Really? my grandfather lives there"

Me: "I used to live near Milton"

Bloke: "That's where my grandfather lives"

Me: "I lived on Catisfield Rd"

- he was my neighbour
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 9:05, Reply)

I move my bowels every morning at 6 o'clock

the scary is that I don't wake up till 8.

Signed,
Anne Olde-Joake.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 6:21, Reply)

Holiday chum
I bumped into one of my mates from school in France. We were both on holiday in the Vendee. He was staying a few miles down the road from me, and we happened to meet up in a crowd at a funfair.

A few years after that, on a caravan park in a different part of France, my brother and I bumped into another friend of ours, one who played in my brother's football team.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 0:34, Reply)

What are the odds?
There was this promotion once with cereals where they had little toys in them, I think it was the Incredible Hulk. There were five of them to collect.

You know how it always goes, don't you? No matter how many of those damned boxes of cereral you eat, you never get the whole set.

Well, once, the family went through exactly five boxes, and got a different toy in each one.

The odds of this happening are about 26 to 1.

Perhaps not spooky enough for a third 'o', but the calculation killed some time.
(psychoostrich, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 23:11, Reply)

hello
tonight for the first time in many years i have drank twelve pintst of beer

also for the first time in as long as i can remeber I have just shit myself

fuck me
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Scaryduck
Wow, reading your Blog about Reading's cycle paths, you mentioned the Rivermead Leisure centre - well guess what ? IVE BEEN THERE to the Wargames show (Warfayre) the last few years ! SPOOOOKY

(And I dont live anywhere near Reading)
(kitescreech still here, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 22:34, Reply)

Family coincidence
Went to Surrey for a family wedding a couple of years ago, not a bad do, and for once no family fights! Monday after the wedding, Southern branch of the family invites me and northern parents for a day out on their cruiser on the Thames! I was staying at a mates place in North London that weekend so had a bit of a trek across town to get to the relatives place, got the train from Victoria and 3 stops away from getting off, my cousin gets on the train in the same carriage as me on his way to take the happy couple to the airport for their honeymoon, bit of a coincidence thinks I. Few hours later after "messing about on the river" (don't let me drive a boat again, I can't pass my driving test on 4 wheels let alone none!) we moor up for a bite to eat, 1st 2 boats that come past us while we are parked had the same names as my other cousin who'd just got married and her new hubby!
(The Inevitable Pelican, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 22:12, Reply)

Spoooky
I was in the pub the other evening recounting the time that I'd woken up in a skip the very next day I woke up in a skip....very spoooky if you ask me.
(bunchofarse Gentlemen and Reverend Bode, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Stoooooooool!
As a callow youth, my mind was constantly working on bettering my sex-life (as it is to this very day), and my then girlfriend was growing reluctant to shag in my parents' house, namely because when we started banging away, the whole bloody street knew we were at it.
Nothing was said by my long-suffering folks, but I now realise I could have been a little more discreet when they were downstairs. (Think of the dinner party in Carry On Up The Khyber, plaster falling in the soup etc, it must have been something like that when we were going at it full bore.)

So, deciding the rickety old bed was the problem, and being a resourceful kind of chap, I spotted a fantastic chair in a forgotten corner of the office at work, and realised it was just the right height....... well, hey, I was young and fit, acrobatics were possible back then!

Kind of like a high chair, or a barstool with a back, covered in a wierd scaley leather, almost like croc-skin. Unique, very distinctive and very definitely home-made, I immediately purloined it and took it home.

The first time I led my girlfriend up into my newly equipped lair, she took one look at the stool and had a metal shit-fit. She wasn't staying in the same room as it, let alone going to be porked over it.

When I caught up with her (several streets away) she informed me that the stool had been made by her Grandad, who had in the later years of his life had both his legs amputated. Alas, as a child, she had shared a bag of sweets with him, whereupon he had promptly choked to death on one.
Over the subsequent years she had lived with the idea that she was guilty of killing her Grandad, complete with nightmares of him dragging himself along on his stumps, trying to cough up a Murray Mint.

(I was, of course, ultra-caring that night, and persuaded her to give me a BJ, as remedial therapy to dispel any fear of choking she might be developing. Honest. Swallow dear, swallow!)

Enquiring at work as to the origin of the stool, I was told it had been pulled out of a skip years ago by one of the lads when they were doing a one-off job in another town 25 miles away. Where Grandad Stumpy lived.

Spoooooky.

I tupped her in the car after that, till I got sick of having a Mini gearstick probing my donut, and resumed making my parents' life unbearable upstairs.
(Rsoles, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 21:19, Reply)

coincedence not that spooky
I was hoping for my first post to be more interesting than this. Plunge on regardless. When I used to get the train to uni there was one other person that got on at my stop. In the course of our conversations we found that we both had a best friend called Aaron who's birthday was the day after each of ours.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 21:02, Reply)

The Wierd and Wonderful World of The Scentless Apprentice
So, my stepdad goes to visit his cousin and his wife in hospital, who's just had a c-section delivering the baby.

The wife, oddly enough is the neice of my dad's second wife, which my stepdad didn't realise until that day, which was strange (and rather inbred).

So, they're having a chat in the ward, catching up when all of a sudden, another patient is wheeled through the door into the ward, just having had a c-section, and upon spotting the doting father walking alongside the bed, baby in arms, my stepdad and his cousin's wife look at each other and go...

"Isn't that M****d???"

Who's 'M****d' I hear you cry?

He's my dad, cradling my new half-brother.

A very strange experience for one and all, but rather annoying for my dad, who hadn't had decency to inform his missus that he was seeing another girl behind her back, never mind that he was up the duff with his kid. What a way to be busted!

Nowt as queer as folk, as they say back home...
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 20:35, Reply)

Friendship groups should not overlap with parents!
About a year ago my parents computer had broken down (as usual) and I was checkng their email for them on the computers at uni (they never have anything exciting, so they asked me to make sure none of the boring stuff was important). I noticed there were some for my dad from someone with the same name as a friend's brother. I wondered if it was the same person as it was a mailing list for a very specialist local interest which the friend's brother. Turned out it was the same guy.

This doesn't sound odd to begin with, especially as both my dad and the friend's brother live within about 20 miles apart, but I met the friend in question because we go to the same uni over 100 miles away and his home town isn't anywhere near where my family home either. So it's a pretty crazy coincidence that someone from his family knows someone from my family.
(GothicTechie, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 20:17, Reply)

I was number-crunching
some statistics for a project yesterday, and the number 23 kept coming up. It went on all afternoon - every time I arrived at a result, there was a 23 in it.

I gave it up as a bad job when the 23rd variable in a list was 23. Sometimes you have to know when you're beaten.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 19:57, Reply)

evening everyone
I bumped in an old school friend today, later on I saw some extra cool indie kid wearing the school jumper as part of his get-up

I swear it is the apocalpse
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 19:23, Reply)

goth band Wolfsheim
have a song with the lyrics "you took my life my unborn son".

Except the guy's German, and with his accent it sounds like "you took my wife, my Hun-born son".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 19:04, Reply)

Streetlamps
Reminded by other stories...

Driving along one evening and the lamp went off as i drove under it, the next one did the same, then the next. At this point my arse was biting lumps out of the seat as i was convinced i was going into the twilight zone. Having held my breath approaching the next lamp nothing happened at all and i felt like a right narna for evening thinking it.

Also did a similar trick putting the office lights on one morning. We all had ikea uplighters by our desks and first person in had to turn them all on. The bulbs blew in the first four i did so i just sat in the dark until someone else came in to do the rest, just in case.

And i looked down at the mileometer this morning to see it roll from 44443 to 44444. Love it when that happens.

5t
(fivetide, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 17:37, Reply)

spoooooky: a frank s. post with no sex in it
is he spooked by valentines day?
we must be told.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 16:47, Reply)

special powers
spooooky people make my lights go dim...
I was seeing to this woman who had special powers; could see into the future, predict baby gender, find water (when I wanted alcohol) etc.
unf. she didn't foretell that my view of her would dim when i started shagging her less otherworldly ungifted prophesorially mate but gifted twixt non metaphysical sheets...

length is about big words, eh? er, vocabulary.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 16:36, Reply)

8
Its a bit bizarre at the moment, i just moved to a new house, which means all sorts of new petrol stations to stop at when driving about.

Wouldn't be a particuly amazing thing that
*but* spoookie thing is every time i stop for fuel i am always at pump 8, every damne one. This has happened at 18 differant petrol stations so far...

It's even happening to me when i go back to my old home area.

Its not just 8 though its the fact its always free and always a working pump...i need answers people.

'scuse me i'll go back to lurking.
(mark_huntington, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 16:32, Reply)