Dear Mr White
Me and Jimmy Hefford entered your office on the last day of term and pissed in your kettle.
( Peej, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:10, Reply)

I used to worship something
Other than god. I feel ashamed for this and promise never to worship false profits.

Yours faithfully

Sir Fred Goodwin
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Taybarns...
me and about 12 other members of my family went to an all you can eat thing called Taybarns for my brothers birthday, and on the way home we realised that none of us had payed for it... so it turns out that we accidently stole 13 meals from the place
(bamslower i like cheesecake..., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 14:03, 3 replies)

I pick my nose all the time and stick it under any surface possible
I only ever taste them when there especially juicy looking
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:58, 1 reply)

My confession is of a religious bent
As a small boy attending a Catholic primary school,we often had to endure a weekly mass in the school hall.On this particular occasion I was asked to fetch the box of communion wafers from the school office to give to the Christian Brother who was giving mass. On the way back to the hall I opened the box and quaffed about half of the contents.The Christian brother weighed the box in his hands and gave me a quizzical look and went about his holy business of blessing them or whatever they do.
As I recall ,there wasn't enough to go around for the whole school.
FYI They tasted like flying saucers without the smashing sherbet bit.
I've subsequently carried out far more heinous crimes that have assured my seat on the hell bus.
( bane, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:57, Reply)

Coveting
Lots and lots of coveting. Often accompanied by spilling my seed on stony ground.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:55, 1 reply)

when I was a slightly smaller, slightly less spotty geek...
...I used to get out of PE (can't stand footingball or whatever it's called, I haven't got a competitive bone in my body, or in my collection under the bed) sit in the changing rooms and do my homework so I didn't have to do it at home...

Anyhoo, when I'd finished I looked for the bag of someone who'd done me wrong that week (or a random bag if I had managed to stay off everyone's radar), find their English homework, and add loads of random punctuation. I especially favoured exclamation marks.

This is not the 1st time I've admitted this but it's by far the most public arena in which I have done so.

I'm new here, where are the toilets?
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:44, 2 replies)

Nicked Sweets
from Woolworths. I felt so ashamed by this however, I took them out of my mouth, and put them back in the plastic container. I don't know which is worse.
(Eyes&Tees Could have, Would have, Should have on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:41, 3 replies)

I haven't seen my parents since Christmas
I phone them weekly and everything, but this weekend was meant to be a good long weekend chance to get together before they head off on holiday for a month (they're retired).

Anyway, I have had to cancel because of problems on the West Coast Line over Bank Holiday Weekend added to the fact that I have a big meeting on Tuesday and will need to go into work on Bank Holiday Monday as a result.

The actual truth is that I am being taken out with work tomorrow to a long lunch and then a free bar event after work, and I am likely to get absolutely shitfaced. Knowing this, I have decided that on Saturday I would rather stay in bed until the afternoon then eat pizza and play video games in bed rather than get up early and embark on a four hour journey by public transport to the arse end of the Midlands.

I do love them though, honest...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:35, 4 replies)

Lord of the Flies
...featured conch shells but I have a story about a descent into base and primal instincts that features giant tiger cowry shells.

I once got a third-hand invite to a party in a very well to-do household. In one of the downstairs toilets there were artfully arranged giant cowry shells on the marble floor,positioned so that they sat on their nodules, with their openings facing the ceiling.

Call this one envy but in the presence of such opulence the class warrior in me came out and I made it my mission to eschew the Armatige Shanks and fill up to the brim, every single one of the five conchs in subsequent visits. I did it in surprisingly quick time as it goes, that'll learn those capitalist running dogs! Thankfully I haven't seen them since but you can't dust piss for prints anyway.

Length? Doesn’t matter if you stand close enough!
(Mind Forged Manacles Me nice to society, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:35, Reply)

Thou shalt not steal
This one's been playing on my mind for years. I told the wife on Saturday and she was so disgusted, she ran off and wrote it down in her Little Book Of Things That Might Come Up When We Get Divorced.

1984: I was a terrible student, surviving on a mere fifteen quid a month before beer. Wild-eyed with starvation (having spent my allowance the previous day on a Wimpy Big Bender Breakfast), I stole a packet of rub-down lettering from WH Smiths in Bracknell. This set the retail giant back the grand sum of 35p, bringing them to their knees in the desperate hour at the heart of Thatcher's Recesssion.

Desperate to avoid any actual revision, I decided that my physics folder desperately needed jazzing up, and the only way I could achieve this was through the addition of "S. Duck, Physics" in solid black lettering.

Loitering around the store that fateful lunchtime, I chose a fine packet of lettering from the crowded stationary department, read all the magazines, thumbed through the records, programmed the display ZX Spectrum with

10 PRINT "FUCK OFF ";
20 GOTO 10

then fled to enjoy my rubby-down spoils.

And it was worth it, too. I got a Grade E.

Mr Smith: I'm so, so sorry.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:28, 3 replies)

Confession of an attic girl
I had to re-write my diary, because the publishers thought the original draft was too saucy.... apparently they weren't keen on a girl describing what she got up to under the bedcovers in a dark attic
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:24, 3 replies)

So many bad things.............
So many.
(SSSSS, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:21, 4 replies)

Every day is a new step.
Every single day.

Is even just thinking about it wrong?

Thinking about the pleasure it gives me?

Fantasising about the release, the relief, the beautiful moment where the pleasure of the indulgence momentarily blacks out the guilt, the self-hatred, and the fear of the almighty, awful, and terriying consequences?

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:15, 1 reply)

Once, I wanked in my parent's bed.
They told me to go away, and stop bothering them.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:13, 1 reply)

When I was a young Whipper-Snapper,
I once ate an entire large box (apart from one) of After Eights that weren't mine at my friends house. I then spread all the wrappers around their dogs bed and smeared the final After Eight on the face of the dog. Somehow I got found out and I had to buy another box to apologise.

Sad but true!
(nospoon The Olympigs would have been more entertaining., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:12, 2 replies)

First page?
Oh well
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:07, Reply)

I pushed a cat in a wheely bin......
Straight to Hull?

Guess I deserve it
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 13:00, Reply)

Shameful
Once, I played with my balls when no one was looking.
(ElGranto, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:57, 4 replies)

6th
...yay
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I once lied about my age to buy alcohol.

(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:56, 2 replies)

Third
Now, what can I share.

Balls. Fourth then.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Would have been first...
...but the priest kept holding me down.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:52, Reply)

second!
story 2 follow

EDIT: I confess, i'll never get round to posting any stories, don't hold your breath!
(Catrim, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:50, Reply)

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned
It's at least fifteen years since my last confession and even then I used to make things up.

I told you I had nasty thoughts about my mother - that was true - I was young and I hated the world, especially when it took my Just 17 magazine away.

I didn't tell you about impure thoughts I was having about Matt DG because I watched him take his tracksuit off after playing rugby. I couldn't tell you Father because I knew you played for the other side and probably fancied him too.

I also didn't tell you that I hated Catherine who took Politics class with me - she was a bitch and wrote crap poetry which she showed to Fergal - our teacher. We called our teacher Fergal because he was Mr Sharkey and great fun - he took us to the pub on a daytrip up to Highgate Cemetery to see Karl Marx's grave and the Communist Reading Rooms. We saw Sting in the pub - he ignored us - git. I wore a see-through blouse because I wanted the boys (and Mr Sharkey)to fancy me and not that bitch Catherine.

Oh, and the final sin I'd like to be forgiven for is that of writing this entirely off the cuff and without properly thinking it through first. Sorry.

What's that?

Six Hail Marys and a Glory Be?

Thank you Father.

Amen.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 12:49, 7 replies)