Only asylum seekers should get benefit money
People born in the UK have won life's lottery. Just being mediocre, getting up in the morning and going through the motions will win you riches beyond the dreams of most of the people in the world.

Asylum seekers aren't so lucky. They've been born into hardship and may well have risked their lives to get here. They the lifeblood of the UK, the least we can do is give them a leg up.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Sun 28 Apr 2013, 19:41, 13 replies)

I knew a woman who thought that all plants had a potential medical application.
She also wanted to be a man and was convinced that eventually a plant would be discovered with the relevant properties to accomplish this without surgical intervention.

I know that medicines derived from plants have accomplished amazing things, but I just couldn't accept her ideas. Cunt reversal by leaves! Seriously?
( Muns, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 11:23, 8 replies)

Lightbulbs
I'm not generally a believer in conspiracy theories, but has anyone else noticed how much it costs to light your house nowadays? I never had an issue with the environmental argument for banning incandescent bulbs but the sheer cost of the replacement, whether dim low-wattage halogen bulbs or the even lower-wattage long-life twisty things is, by comparison, eye-watering.

Halogen bulbs cost at the least a quid each and you generally need three or four of them for one single rack - we don't have a huge kitchen but it's an L-shape so there are two racks of four bulbs each, plus a single socket. There are rarely a full rack of bulbs in working order - generally at least one out on each rack and they never seem to last very long. We have three single halogen bulbs in a small bathroom - same thing there.

And the large bulbs with the halogen inserts are even more unreliable. The slightest nudge can break the filaments - easily done if they're used in a table lamp or suchlike. Another couple of quid down the drain if that happens.

The long-life eco-friendly spirals are even worse - they start off really dim and never really seem to emit that much light. They are also nowhere near as long-life as they claim to be. It's yet another way of the public being palmed off with sub-standard goods at inflated prices.

Someone is making a killing out of this radical alteration to the fabric of our existence. I'm convinced that the whole thing is nothing more than the fiendish brainchild of a shadowy group of big businessmen bent on global domination through the economic stranglehold of the supply of artificial light.

And who would be behind such a devilish plan?

Well, I'd have thought it obvious - its the Illuminati, innit...
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sun 28 Apr 2013, 2:59, 9 replies)

I believe that a handful of cretinous internet bullies have reduced qotw to a steaming pile of wank
I doff my cap to the few who still try to post funny, relevant stories because they do it with the almost certainty that they will be pilloried by the same people over and over :(
(King Nightmare, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 15:12, 16 replies)

Before onboard computers in cars.
In the 80's when my pal and I were mere youngsters, we popped into town and bought a Commodore 64 with his Christmas money.

His Dad picked up us up from town in his car and on the way home we were involved in a very minor traffic accident: Just a small prang leaving the bumper with a small dent.

Upon our return to my mate's house with the new computer, his Mum saw the dent in the bumper and when mental. She exclaimed she didn't want the computer in the house as the cause of the traffic accident was obviously the Commodore 64. Apparently it had somehow 'computerised the car'.
(l0bst3r, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 14:04, 1 reply)

Life after death.
Where to begin?
The misses phoned me yesterday morning in tears ,saying she just saw our cat Nibblo
run over and killed,well I was gutted to say the least.
So she brings him home in the back of the car he,s a bit fucked up but its him,so anyway I take him up my father in laws allotment and bury him after saying my last goodbyes.

07.30 this morning my son tells me that Nibblo has just walked in through the back door :-O !
Now I have read Pet Sematary by Stephen King and the cat hasn,t been gone for 24 hours for ages ,I,m freaked. Anyway it is Nibblo.
Now I got to find out whos cat I,ve buried.
(andycrass loves two hats on, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 8:04, 1 reply)

Only cyclists should be allowed to drive cars.
As a cyclist you have a much better appreciation of the dangers of driving, and definitely have better road awareness. The only people with the skills to use cars are bike riders. All current car drivers should be forced to sell their cars and spend 5 years getting around on pushbikes, until they have the necessary skills to graduate to motorised transport.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 17:28, 45 replies)

Sex education
You may remember there was a period during sex education where the boys and girls are seperated, or at least there was at the school which I had attended.

The boys would sit, feeling somewhat uncomfortable, whilst the teachers would discuss various issues in a lads only forum.

During this period, I strongly believe that the girls were learning the macarena, the moves to Whigfield's Saturday night dance and other pop tunes of the era.

This can be the only logical explanation as to why every female over the age of thirteen knows the moves to every fucking one of these songs.
( Muns, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 16:14, 13 replies)

I think that
immigrants who come here looking to work hard and make a better life for themselves in the west should be allowed to stay, and british benefit scroungers should be sent back to wherever they came from in their place.
(cs1ca, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 21:28, 2 replies)

I don't think that gay people should be allowed to join the army.
If they are, then who will join the navy?
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 19:44, Reply)

i believe
that all soap operas should be banned, on the basis that they are complete and utter mind-rotting dribbleshite.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 15:39, 26 replies)

Live within your means
I have a bit of an outdated view and some might say contraversial belief.

I believe, with the exception of a mortgage on an affordable house, that we should live within our means.

That means I don't approve of borrowing money to buy shit you don't need because you'd rather have it now on finance than when you can actually afford it.

The inevitable effects of when it goes wrong are plain to see in the economy today, after all we're now prompted to sell our gold and get a pay day loan at 2500% etc etc.

I'm not in debt, I was as recently as a few years ago but have worked hard to sort myself out. I don't drive a shiny expensive car or live the lavish life of many I see, but nor will I be in big trouble if my income changes.

A fella at work is always bragging about his stuff as best I can tell every month he spends:
£800 on rent (because he can't get a deposit together to buy somewhere)
£560 on a car (2012 audi on finance) Plus however much to run and insure it!
£40 on an iphone
£70 on Sky with sports etc
£100+ a week on going out Friday/Saturday night
Plus I presume he actually buys food to eat etc.

All in he's got to be spending more than his actual salary and I can't for the life of me work out how he plans to sustain it?

Of course I had to open my mouth one day when he was talking about buying a 3D TV and suggest maybe he couldn't afford it... His mouth just dropped and he stared through me in a "what the hell are you talking about???" manner. "Nah, they're only 2 grand!". You can't reason with someone who describes a tv they don't need as ONLY being £2000.

Maybe getting old has just made me sensible, but when you spend more than you make why would anyone think the solution is to borrow more money so you can carry on spending???
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 14:30, 7 replies)

I believe...
Conspiracy Theories are the work of the Government to keep stupid people busy.
Not my own, but I like it
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 12:59, 4 replies)

Justin Bieber....
I doubt that it's just a coincidence that "Belieber" is how some people with Downs syndrome would pronounce believer.
( Muns, Wed 1 May 2013, 12:00, 3 replies)

Belief through volume and repetition
I once went to an Evangelical wedding. Real happy-clappy born again Christian types. At one point, they were all shouting out "I believe! I believe" and such like.

I couldn't help think that, rather than their god or the other members of the group, the ones they were really trying to convince were, in fact, themselves...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 16:49, 10 replies)

My ex's mother's physics revolution
When I microwaved some slop for tea, some bubbled out over onto that big glass plate thingy that spins right round like a record (baby) - you know the thing.
So I left my slop on one side for a moment and took the glass record over to the sink to rinse the congealing slop away under the tap.

"NO! STOP!" cries ex's mum. "It's still got microwaves in it!"
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Sat 27 Apr 2013, 9:39, 1 reply)

Bill Hicks is over-rated.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 14:57, 18 replies)

The time I went a bit mad...
It was a dark period in my life, triggered by some random maniac trying to attack me in the street. I became a recluse and, without really realising it, I went a bit doolally.

Things came to a head when I was vomiting everytime I had to go out the front door and managed to convince myself that maybe this wasn't right and I should see a doctor.

So, I see the doctor, burst into tears and explain all my feelings of anxiety and stuff.
"Anything else you need to tell me? Any paranoid thoughts?" my doctor asks in his textbook manner

"Well.." I began. "I'm pretty sure someone at work poisoned my coffee the other day with bleach. And I'm convinced that there are no other countries in the world."

"What?!?!" my doctor spluttered, almost choking on his pen lid.

"Yeah, it makes perfect sense. The planes just take off, fly over the sea for a bit and then land in a different area of the country. It's all just a gimmick to charge us more money."

I'm suprised that I wasn't sectioned there and then. Instead he explained that these weren't normal thoughts and that what I needed was strong medication and a long course of cognative therapy.

Still, that over a decade ago and I'm much better now.
I only drink coffee that I've made myself.
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 13:12, 4 replies)

asthma - makes you gay
My mother is of that quaint war time generation who have never quite understood political correctness. Racism or discrimination is bad of course but drawing attention to someone's religion or background then pigeon-holing them along the lines of a 1970s sitcom is order of the day. Examples:

She has nothing against the jews particularly but while growing up every 10th person who appeared on telly was outed by my mother, "he's jewish you know."

Nowadays the obsession is "homosexuals" my mother does not like to call people gay because "they have hijacked that word". As a family we now all play spot the gay and like to point out to mum that "he's a homosexual you know".

Anyway, my sister split up with her husband of 20 years recently and, long story short, he has now in his mid 40s come out as gay and lives with bloke. My mum loves her (ex) son in law so has had a hard time coming to terms with it. She's striving for a reason for it and here it is: son in law has ashtma and has been taking inhalers for 30 years. There's obviously something in them - some sort of hormone - that builds up in your system and turns you into a homosexual. It's true because my gay friend is also asthmatic and on inhalers. I'm not sure she should publish her findings justy yet (but maybe that MMR gives you autism doctor will take up the cudgels!)
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 8:24, 5 replies)

Mark Chapman did the world a favour. Imagine? Imagine if Lennon had lived.
All those cunts that worship Lennon don't ever bother to stop and think what it would have been like if he had.
And I don't mean hilariously crippled like Superman, I mean if he hadn't been shot AT ALL.
It'd be TWICE as bad as it is now with Paul McFucknutCarthy.
He'd be advertising shit all the time like Johnny Rotten with his butter and Iggy CUNTING Pop with his fucking car insurance. And you KNOW there'd be xmas records. Oh fuck, just thinking about the xmas records he'd release makes me want to PUKE. Just imagine it, an xmas record EVERY FUCKING YEAR, like Cliff fuck-knuckle Richard, only WORSE. because he'd have to have his ghastly harridan of a wifebeast wailing along in the background on them all too.
Mark Chapman should have been given a fucking MEDAL for sparing us all that.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 25 Apr 2013, 22:16, 18 replies)

I honestly, truly believe in the Half-Life of Sound
It was a theory conceived by Marconi, on his deathbed and probably in the grip of dementia, that Sound never actually dies away, but like radioactive material it just gets less and less without ever disappearing altogether.

The problem is, the theory goes, that we simply don't have the microphone & filtering equipment sensitive enough to pick up, in his example, the Sermon On The Mount.

I know it's probably rubbish, but I do believe it nonetheless, so be careful what you say - that "CHICKEN PISS!!!" you yelled might be heard in 50 generations' time and cause all sorts of trouble. (A bit like that line of Arthur Dent's, about having tremendous difficulty with his lifestyle).




I never met my grandad, but my gran always referred to my sister's boyfriend as "that Jew boy", if that's more the sort of thing.
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 14:26, 24 replies)

The Beatles are dull and overrated.
They're also not responsible for half as much as they're given credit for as their influence largely lead to tribute acts like Oasis and not much else.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 25 Apr 2013, 13:40, 26 replies)

Dutch isn't a real language.
The inhabitants of The Netherlands actually speak English most of the time, only switching to making nonsense sounds when a foreigner is nearby.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 12:46, 8 replies)

New Model Army are everything The Clash wanted to be.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 12:41, 14 replies)

All Farmers are C**Ts
aFaC

Having just got back from a walking holiday where we had to contend with footpaths that were blocked/closed/hidden/destroyed.

Tourism brings more cash to these areas than agriculture so they should jolly well stand round with a straw in their mouths and offer sage advice while our dogs chase the funny white wooly animals.
(LetsGetDownToIt, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 11:42, 23 replies)

I believe that

... anyone in charge of repairing road surfaces should be forced to ride a motorcycle over their repair twice a day for at least 3 months after supposedly "finishing" it.

When their last filling drops out and their second retina detaches from the sickening, bone-crunching, suspension-wrecking jolt caused by the allegedly flat surface they left behind, maybe they'd do a better job next time.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 11:21, 7 replies)

I still think Carter USM are an amazing band

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 16:42, 20 replies)

I believe that you should stay about from my bins.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 28 Apr 2013, 16:24, 1 reply)

Everyone should be automatically added to the organ donor register at birth

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 26 Apr 2013, 15:54, 30 replies)

Joey Deacon wasn't really disabled.
He was just a proper lazy cunt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 7:57, 3 replies)