But the best one came from young girl
who must have been about 4 years old. I was on a bus in the southern half of Manchester, 1990ish. Young mother collects kiddy from playschool and boards the bus with said sprog. Kiddy's hands are covered in paint. Mother complains. Kiddy replies "so who paints your fingers, Mummy? Is it one of those men you sleep with?"
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Sun 15 May 2011, 1:10, 1 reply)

It was difficult...
... my gran had died a few days previously (4.10.06), and she was in the front room lying in state, as it were. I was assaulted by the cunt next door (6.10.06) on the doorstep (unprovoked, 5 facial stitches, concussion, blood in my urine, his name available on request, no prosecution because there were "no independent witnesses"). I was made redundant the following morning (and turned 40 the following week, just after the funeral). The vicar came to the house to arrange things with my mum. I had to get out of the room. Put the kettle on. "Tea, Vicar?"
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Sun 15 May 2011, 0:34, Reply)

once right
This friend/neighbour/colleague/family member said something and we all stopped taking to them as they was clearly being a tool.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Sun 15 May 2011, 0:31, Reply)

At my mums funeral
After the churchy bit we'd all driven to the cemo to bury her. My mate Ron (as in Later) was supposed to be a pall bearer. He got lost on the freeway & was late. I roped someone else in (Ron's dad actually) and said "Come on then we shouldn't hang about, Mum'd hate to be late for her own funeral."
Lead balloon to say the least. Still I reckon she would've had a chuckle. Then dinged me round the back of the noggin!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 14 May 2011, 23:35, Reply)

One time I quite literally cut off a baby's head and wore it like a clown nose.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 14 May 2011, 22:28, 3 replies)

I was at a party once
when we were talking about who the worst serial killer in history had been. We all generally held different opinions until my friend Nick piped in with "what about that Chinese guy who went around beating people to death with a certain brand of trendy shoe?"

We all fell silent in bafflement and eventually one of us said "I think you made that one up Nick".

"No, no", he said, "I remember reading all about him. The Converse Asian Killer".
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 14 May 2011, 20:51, 7 replies)

Explaing in detail why you're divorcing your wife doesn't go down well at a wake.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 14 May 2011, 18:21, 2 replies)

This one time I used a perfectly innocent idiom
but I did it in front of somebody with a physical disability or who was a different race or religion or sexuality or maybe they just had red hair or fuck it they could have been a girl or something. Anyway, right, I said this thing that could only possibly be interpreted as offensive to this other person if you were to strain like you were shitting a watermelon through lederhosen and oh god it was so embarrassing because everybody ignored the obvious meaning of the idiom and assumed I was being massively insensitive and a horrible racist and sexist and that and they all stopped talking and shunned me for like the rest of the year as if I'd quite literally cut off a baby's head and worn it like a clown nose.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 14 May 2011, 18:15, 9 replies)

Hunchback Jack
My hard drinking but witty uncle used to drop in unexpectedlyand always with an entourage--once with an actual chimp. This time, he had 5 "friends," one of whom was a hunchback. A loud and laughy party goes on while my cousin and I were off in my room trying to go to sleep. But then Jack kept sidling in through the doorway. We yelled, one of the drunk adults would rush down the hall to remove him. The 4th time, Father Fonebone collared him at the door, spun him around and yelled, "I warned you! I'll throw you out if you come down here again." Drunken, grinning Jack said nothing. The other revelers had appeared to see what was going on. Exasperated, Father said, "Goddamit, you better behave. You hear me? Now straighten up!" Everyone froze. Yes, he had sincerely ordered a hunchback man to straighten up. Worse still, Jack promised that he would.
(Mrs.Fonebone, Sat 14 May 2011, 17:53, Reply)

tourettes
At a party, rather a lot of nice girls. I invent a new cocktail called the blood of kali - basically anything red goes in it. I hand it to some of the girls to try.
"Oh, this is nice, what's in it?"
"orange juice, red wine, grenadine, cinnamon aftershock, and.... my secret ingredient"
"Ooh, what's that?"
"Rohypnol"
We were getting on so well up to that point.
(Dread Pirate Roberts, Sat 14 May 2011, 17:51, 7 replies)

punk band
You know how some punk songs have the tendency to stop abruptly. Well, we were at a gig in Bristol watching a loud punk band with a rather butch female singer and, just as the song suddenly finished, my friend started to say in a loud voice "rather a lot OF LESBIANS AREN'T THERE?" Cue 20 very angry young women giving us evils.
(Dread Pirate Roberts, Sat 14 May 2011, 17:44, Reply)

Caretaking
So, there we were in the mid 90's sitting to watch Newcastle Utd play some other 'huge' premier league team.

It was the time that Kevin Keegan had walked away and Terry McDermot had taken over the role of manager temporarily.

We were at Uni, so myself, two male housemates, two female housemates and one of their boyfriends.

His nickname was Geordie and he supported, well you can likely guess.

Banter(piss taking) was good and we're settling down nicely when Andy Gray announced that Terry McDermot was taking over as caretaker manager since KK's departure.

Julia (bless) pipes up to say 'If he's the caretaker, then who does the cleaning ?'

With that Geordie looked at us all, we shook our heads & he left.

Utter brilliance !
(L4ws3y, Sat 14 May 2011, 17:32, Reply)

And now...
Asda, Huddersfield.
(hypostomus, Sat 14 May 2011, 17:30, Reply)

Probably a pea-roast

A junior engineer at work had fucked off on Friday and not come in on Monday / Tuesday.

When he gets back into the yard, the scheduling manager asks him where the fuck he's been for the past two days, why doesn't he answer his phone, etc etc - to which he replies

"I've been diagnosed with HIV"

./tumbleweed
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 14 May 2011, 16:20, 3 replies)

In the late sixties
saw a downturn in British manufacture, especially in the north of England, where heavy industry was hit hardest. Being a fool to ourselves, we often gave away the secrets of our trades, to overseas visitors, who studied our ways and then took it back to their own countries and made similar things better and cheaper.

This happened in Newcastle, where it was evident that the ship yards were in heavy decline. But before the tricks were lost, artisans from across the globe descended on Tyneside to glean has much knowledge as they could.

In around 1968, a young ship designer, Hirota Kuntino, who had emigrated from Japan to America at the end of the war, and studied at Princeton, was despatched to Tyneside by his American employers. Although clearly Japanese, he was essentially indoctrinated American and Hirota was often seen in the ship yards, making notes and wearing his trademark peaked baseball cap and baseball sneakers. He was hated by most of the other guys in the shipyard... because it was so soon after the end of the war and racial tolerance was not big in the yards, and also because he was about to steal the men's jobs.

Because he was often causing unrest, the management thought it better for him to work with the design of the lower echelon of the ship where he specialised in keel design. This so that there was less risk of him having an *accident* from a great height. Even when he was relegated to the lower parts, the men often refused to speak to Hirota for months on end.

Nobody ever spoke to the Conversed Asian Keeler....
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sat 14 May 2011, 13:43, Reply)

We were watching the opening credits of The Fifth Element...
where it shows the world from space slightly below the lower hemisphere so that it appears as an arc at the top of the screen.
Jezzy, who was never the brightest spark, pipes up,
"How come the water doesn't fall off?"

Me and four other people just stare at her.

She goes back to munching popcorn.

No-one spoke for the rest of the film.
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Sat 14 May 2011, 13:03, Reply)

There's a time and a place......
One summer many, many years ago myself and girlfriend were in Christchurch (earthquake? what's that?) staying at her friends. After a trip to town with said friend, we caught the bus back to hers.
It was standing room only, so we grabbed onto a pole (sorry Wojczek!) and settled in for the journey.

Lots of talking amongst the passengers ensued, until strangely and coincidentally, all conversations seemed to stop at once. All, but for one.....

There were a group of 5 or 6 late teen girls on the back seat talking loudly, and as all other conversations died nearly at once, we could hear one loud and clear voice exclaim:
"... well, my boyfriend thinks beastiality is perfectly alright."

Then it dawned on her that EVERYONE on the bus had heard it.
Everyone on the bus just looked around at each other with the look that said "Did I just hear that right...?"

That bus was as quiet as a tomb for the remainder of the journey, save for the sound of hot rubber on sticky tar seal......
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Sat 14 May 2011, 11:02, 3 replies)

One of my mates...
... over the course of several weeks convinced one of his friends - who did not know me otherwise - that I had a 12 inch cock. Unbeknownst to me, and with the help of a few mates this bloke, Lars, was led to believe that I was more than well endowed.

Everyone was in on the joke apart from Lars - and me. They had told him how I had problems finding a girl that could 'cope' with me, how happy I was I finally found one - who albeit being petite - had a rather spacious receptacle... etc. You get the idea.

One night we all met up. I arrived at the pub and everyone - including Lars - was there.

I had no idea why everyone fell off his chair in the pub when - on asked where my girlfriend was - I innocently said she didn't want to come out as she had a sore throat.

BTW It's more like 4 really.
( bierbelly, Sat 14 May 2011, 10:54, 3 replies)

Sharing a sudden flash of random brilliance early one morning I said to an attractive, head-down bum-up, co-worker 'I dont know why they call them cold sores when really they are eyesores'.

'Thanks Uzzard' she said, looking up at me with her previously unnoticed blistered bottom lip quivering, the hurt in her eyes somehow reflected in its swollen golden bubble.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 14 May 2011, 9:29, Reply)

this may be a pearoast but what the heck!
I was a juror in a high court murder trial.

One of my managerial colleagues asked me about the jury selection process.

Now the trial itself concerned the death of some abusive knut at the hands of his slightly simple and long suffering girl friend. After weeks and weeks or terror and direct violence, it all came to head in her kitchen when he went for her whilst she was holding a bread knife. in the ensuing fight he was stabbed once, clean through the heart, he bled out like a stuck pig.

So she asked how poeple got picked

I said that each QC got to turn down one juror, and initially the defense QC turned down the first bloke picked.

She asked why did I think that was relevant

I said "well if you get attacked on your doorstep by some nutter with a hammer, you'd want your lawyer to increase the chances of some female solidarity" and with that she looked at me horrified and, with no exaggeration, never spoke to me again.

Turned out she had been subjected to exactly that some time in the recent past.

Talk about buzz kill!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Sat 14 May 2011, 8:21, Reply)

When I was about 16
My metalwork teacher's father was very ill in fact for a couple of lessons he got someone else to stand in while he went hospital visiting. Then one day I asked him how his dad was and the poor guy almost choked "Actually he has just died ". He was not my favourite teacher by any means but I really felt for him and all I could say was "Oh I am so sorry to hear that sir" and I felt my bottom lip quivering.
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 14 May 2011, 6:46, 3 replies)

fuck knows
how we got onto the conversation, but one night at uni a few of us were having a pint and had somehow got onto the subject of suicide (Cheery bunch). one of the girls came out with the classic "well I think suicide is selfish" to which our quiet mate replied "I don't think my dad was selfish when he killed himself"

we all knew the lad's dad was dead, and had been for a while, but none of us knew how he'd died. Was a bit of a long silence
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Sat 14 May 2011, 2:23, 3 replies)

this one time i told someone to shut up

(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Sat 14 May 2011, 1:23, 2 replies)

In my pal's car...
...driving back to his house when we see a girl on the pavement. He says quite loudly, "ooooft, check out the arse on her."

It was his sister. Five minute drive felt like 2 days.
(FUGAZI100 Mon The Ton, Sat 14 May 2011, 0:47, 4 replies)

Alt+F4
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 14 May 2011, 0:20, 1 reply)

http://goo.gl/E9Gcl

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 13 May 2011, 23:55, 2 replies)

Optimist
Kind of a conversation killer, though it actually wasn't said out loud.
When my great grandma passed away I went with my parents and my cousin to visit her body in the chapel of rest.
We were shown to the room and I was slightly surprised to see my great grandma's hand clutching a handmade card.
It read:
"Get well soon Nan"
(FootOfTim, Fri 13 May 2011, 23:37, 1 reply)

My brother has special needs and when he comes to stay with me he often tells people 'I'm sleeping with my sister tonight.' Nothing kills a conversation like a hint of incest...
(Paperdove, Fri 13 May 2011, 23:21, 3 replies)