At the time ....
..... it was a crappy, useless, wooden spoon. A constant reminder of a crushing defeat trying to play skittles whilst pissed-up on holiday in Somerset.

Now though, following a belt tightening dose of redundancy, it's suddenly become an absolutely indispensable part of my homemade curry kit.

Hang on to those non-perishable crap prizes b3tarites - ya just never know what's around the corner!
(alfasimes, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Zaphod
You are right, I give the Chinese kids I teach bloody paper bags with the name of the company I work for on them. The kids go mental; they too are filthy stinking rich. The little twunts. I fucking hate them.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 16:13, Reply)

I won
a p45 for being caught reading b3ta and not actualy working.

thinking about it, ive won even more b3ta cos now I dont have to get up and come all the way to work, i can read b3ta in bed.
(asda_smart_price, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 16:09, Reply)

When I was about 8...
...I played on a bandit for the first time ever - I put 10p in and got 20p back. Being 8, and this being the very early 80's I was chuffed, so not really a shit prize at the time.

I was more into video games than bandits though and still am, so having 'won' that game, I've never played on a bandit since - my work there was done :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 16:06, Reply)

I'm a cunt...
At the end of every summer camp with the army cadets there was an offical perentation (instuctors, teachers etc) and the unoffical one (On the coach with kids drinking booze, reading porn etc).

On my last camp i won "Cunt of the camp" my prize...

A small pack of army coffee with "Cunt of the camp" written on it.

Yey
(HoBag (TM) <-- Fookin' legend, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 15:52, Reply)

Damn cheap PA systems...
I'm about 9 or so and it's a "Summer Fete" at the hospital where my Dad works and there is of course a raffle...

My number is called... over the lousy PA system it sounds like I've won... "a thousand pounds"... I stagger towards the stage... my mind in a whirl as I count the number of Transformers I could buy... I'm presented with...

"A set of pans".

Ended up "selling" them to my Mum for a tenner... which was a bit of a swizz as they were fancy glass Vision pans too...
(evilcoffee, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 15:34, Reply)

Inspired by MagicallyAdept's post
After getting Top Gun twice in a row during Quaser I won a free cup of Raspberry Slush Puppy...

Actually, that was a great prize! I ain't half stuffy in that Quaser arena!

I still have the empty cup as the only item in my trophy collection!
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 15:27, Reply)

School Trips
Teachers can be so cruel:

When I was an impressionable young lad of about 10, we went on a week-long school trip to the Peak District. Lots of fresh air and exercise(TM) and visits to things of historical interest.

On the last evening before going home, we had a small party in the youth hostel where we were staying - the main event being an award ceremony based on the activities over the course of the week. In a suitably happy-clappy way, the teachers had attempted to concoct an award for *every* pupil, so there were no losers.

My best friend won "Biggest Chatterbox", and uttered the immortal line "I'm speechless.. For once!". The atmosphere was convivial, and he even got a enthusiastic response to his weak gag.

And me? I got the "I Can Read Anywhere" award, accompanied by a photo of myself reading a book half-way up a hill when we stopped for a lunch break one day. Cue an uncomfortable silence as I walked to the front to collect my award, and complete alienation from my peers for getting such a "bod" (read: nerdy) award.

On another trip a few years later, in a hurry to get ready to leave the hotel one day (we were in Austria at the time), I accidentally posted a postcard without an address written on it. The postman kindly returned the postcard to the hotel, and one of the teachers quickly deduced by process of elimination that it belonged to me.

My "prize"? THE WALLY HAT, which I was to wear indefinitely, until another wally was appointed. If I removed the hat, I would have to pay undisclosed forfeits. Cue the other kids on the trip regularly grabbing the hat from my head and hiding it to get me into trouble, and me retiring to my (shared) room in tears, sans hat.

Fortunately, I grew up into a fine, well-adjusted young man. :)
(noir, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 15:19, Reply)

McDonalds has a lot to answer for
My sisters 5th birthday years ago. My family and some of her friends all went to mcdonalds for the food, play area, meet ronald mcdonald birthday celebrations. Nice enough.

When we arrived the staff had no knowledge of our booking, and so had to improvise. The highlight of the evening was playing pass the parcel (actually made of take out bags) in which I was the winner and recieved nothing less than a complimentary sachet of tomato sauce. Simply magical.

We also still had to pay full price for the crappy event, and endure the evil eye from mcdonalds staff for making them stay after hours, which was actually a bit of a reward for us.
(klever_me, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 15:05, Reply)

Chinese kids
At the moment I'm living in China working as an English teacher. As rewards for doing well in lessons it's common practice to give out little tokens to the kids. I've never seen anything like the way they get excited about the crap we give them. I try to give them some kind of decent reward like sweets and stuff but I've seen them go mental over crap like business cards, flyers, all kinds of shit. It's a private school so they're rich kids who have everything they ever want, but they wet their pants over a meaningless piece of paper.

A few years ago I was at an Ann Summers party. We were playing a game involving sucking pieces of dry pasta out of a bowl with straws (I cringe to remember), and I won. I was excitedly informed that I'd won a bottle of wine, which was given to me wrapped in classy-looking paper. I took it home looking forward to enjoying it maybe with the next evening's dinner. Sadly, on opening the wrapping, it turned out to be Lambrini.

My sister once won an all expenses paid holiday in Amsterdam. The only problem was, it was a holiday for one, so she spent the whole time there being quite lonely and looking forward to coming home.
( *insert witty username here*, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 14:50, Reply)

Genuine Gratitude
Aged 6, I won (and luckily I didn't get too used to the feeling...) a poetry competition at school. I wrote a lovely poem about Holland, and dutch cheeses being as big as kneeses, etc.

All entrants got a prize of a pen with some or other corporate branding, but for winning, I got to *choose first*. I chose green, and to this day, it was my proudest win :)
( 0nyx, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 14:45, Reply)

I Win Quite Often
Well now. My immediate family including myself have an uncanny knack at winning things. From sports competitions through to bingo. We have one some very decent prizes over the last 2 decades, including but not limited to holidays in Florida, DVD Player, Dell PC, Moped, Free Dinner & theatre tickets, FA Cup Final tickets, Backstage passes. The best by far though was not just one win but a five year streak! We visited a bowling alley, after bowling played the arcade game - smash hammer on moles or whatever. Win 100 tickets = free bowling next week! Also combined with winning free quazar rounds for 10 years making me possibly the offical TopGun in the whole world!

All these have been on the good side of nice but the crap prizes are what make us the happiest.

Even last week playing darts at my social club i won a box of maltesers, with only half the maltesers remaining. My top ten include:

-A dog. I found a lost dog and while walling it home saw the mutt's missing poster stating reward! Returning the dog to 'distraught' owner i ask of reward. Turns out the reward was the dog she no longer wanted.
-Pencil Sharpner
-Cardboard sunglasses to view eclipse (£5 entry!)
-Another raffle ticket?
-An African Child (sponsored though - but i still own... it.)
-A round of applause
-Pegs without the screws from Ikea
-A box of Lego, but only the large green bases for houses
-Litter. A full black bag of folded boxes and neatly squeezed toothpaste tubes from Art contest
-A beating!
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Tue 9 Aug 2005, 14:21, Reply)

Utter Bollocks.
The only thing I can remember winning was some shite lime green fleece/coat thing when I was 9. I think I gave it to a tramp, I cant remember.

Oh yeah, I also won a reward for "Wearing the most Indie T-Shirts on the tour" on the way back from a skool trip in Belgium. But no prize, unless the embarresment of having to go to the front of a bus packed with 50% Chavs, 25% mates and 25% midgets counts.
(Praying Mantis, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 13:15, Reply)

I won some swearing from a Red Funnel ferry captain.
When I was about 7 or 8, we went on a school trip to the Isle of Wight, but the trip was more about the journey up the Solent than it was about the Isle of Wight and there were some other schools along too.
There were some questions being asked by the tour guide over the tannoy. One was a question along the lines of "Apart from the River Test, can you name another river that flows into the Solent?"
I knew one!..the Itchen!
whoop!
And we were told if we knew the answer that we were to go and tell the captain and receive our prize.
I swear that's what we were told to do..in fact, all the other kids must have thought the same because although I arrived first, I was there with several other kids.
So we arrive at the captains room, and I politely give the answer, and the captain bellows "I wish you bloody kids would all just FUCK OFF!!". Which was perhaps not the first time I'd ever heard the phrase, but it was the first time I'd ever had it spat at me by an adult who really, really meant it.
My teacher asked what I won and I told her he told me I was wrong which, clearly, I wasn't.

People suck!
(Jordy, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 13:03, Reply)

I'm not quite sure where I'm taking this, but permit me to ramble on for some while. Thank you.
Less than a year ago, I had returned to school to face the educational equivalent of a (comically timed) slap around the face with a large fish, that being the 5th year. An important school year, being the one before you have to sit the ridiculously necessary exam that is the Leaving Cert, but one that largely nobody really could be arsed with.

And as such, you can imagine my slight glee when a teacher (who so happens to be incredibly attractive, to an almost OMGWTF HAWTNESS degree) asked me to take part in some series of debates. Grand. Minimal effort, time to be lazy with, and er, rousing company.

Unfortunately, it turned out I was horribly wrong. It actually took a vast amount of work to prepare the speeches, and instead of taking time off during pointless, rubbish classes such as Religion (which usually consists of our senile old bat of a teacher putting on a relaxation tape with such amusing lines as "clench your buttocks" and "turn your head around fully, once, twice"), I ended up missing out on some actual important classes. So, not quite as great as I thought it'd be.

Anyway, three successfully win'd debates, nervously executed speeches, and bouts of frantic speech rewrites later, we've managed to make it onto the knock-out rounds. But I can't be at the next one, so we get a stand in, who's single task is to read the bloody speech I've written for him. It might 'work' for Bush, but unfortunately this failed miserably with him. Ah, well. So, we're out.

But not all is in vain! Though there was an incredible sense of loss, and sheer pointlessness of the past three months worth of effort, we managed to win... or rather to have the teacher that forced us into doing this charade get us... a bag of sausage rolls. Didn't quite see that one coming, really.
(Banjo-Fella, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 12:45, Reply)

I am the greatest dancer.
While at university in high wycombe, a local dive managed to get the DJs from Morcheeba to hold a night of dancing and merrymaking. There was going to be some top prizes for the best dancers, judged by the Morcheeba guys, including a nice skateboard. I could see some easy ebay money on the horizon, so on the night i danced my little heart out. imagine my excitement when i discovered i had won! over the din of the speakers i was awarded... one of those crappy key-chain things that boarders wear hanging out of their jeans. I didn't understand why my efforts weren't rewarded with the spangley new skateboard until the next day when my housemate got home. She's managed to pull one of the Morcheeba DJs and gone back to his hotel in his ferarri. On the way, he'd told her about the guy SO SHIT at dancing that they'd given him a consolation prize. Twunt. Still, he was shit in bed apparently.
(Slinkachuu, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 12:42, Reply)

the worst thing i ever won
was a competition on b3ta where you had to say what the worst thing you ever won was.

Click 'I like this' to make my dreams come true.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 12:08, Reply)

Yet another one ive just remembered
Primary School - we have a week long thing whihc involved doing loads of police type work - you know the sort of thing i mean - or maybe you dont

stuff like learning the alphabet the coppers use, fingerprinting, crime scene reports - was all aces to be honest

Then we get told the last competition thing would win - wait for it - a ride in a police helicopter! - right - im having some of that i think in my 6/7 year old way

Speand AGES writing the greates work of fiction in terms of crime scene reports ever
(other than those messy mistakes with the guildford four and birmingham six)

A shoe-in thinks i - work my arse off for it - lo and behold yours truly wins

im now 27 and STILL waiting for the call from PC lyingbastard regarding my helicopter trip

WHY oh WHY do i pay my taxes if i can have my helicopter trip!?
(woo_yay_houpla loves teh sexy tiem, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 11:35, Reply)

Another one from me
When at junior school - ages 8-11 for those who are foreign?

Aswell as all the usual interhouse malarkey they also had what can only be termed as "mastermind" with a big black chair but no specialist subjects etc

So, after all the rounds and elimintions it was myself and some other geek from the top year (aged 11 ish) in the final

Level pegging till the last question - 20 points each
then the last question comes round -

Which king was beheaded Charles I or Charles II?

hmmm 50/50 chance thinks i - plumps for Charles II - teacher/quizmaster doesnt hear my answer so i change it to Charles I

CORRECT!!!!

What did i win - other than a probable kicking from the bigger boys - if there had been any - a mars bar - a fapping mars bar for all my knowledge skills!

Bastards!

*insert lenght gag here*
(woo_yay_houpla loves teh sexy tiem, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 11:31, Reply)

Pants......
....won a pair of Y-fronts to wear on my head as I won a dance off at the Village Disco at the BigChill bar last autumn.

No apologies for the skidmarks.
( -:Coop:-, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 11:19, Reply)

Esso petroleum
Once did some work experience with a mate at Esso Petroleum. We managed to blag a day off when there was some conference and got to sit in on mind-bogglingly dull presentations instead of doing the mind-bogglingly dull work we should have been doing. There was some quiz for all the attendees and we were thrilled when we won, thinking we'd just beaten all these PhD MEng boffins, when, clearly, they hadn't been bothered, or may have seen the prizes on offer. Which were... two different sets of safety glasses (One a rather fetching sporty sunglasses affair)- woo! For the rest of GCSE Chemistry I thought I was the envy of all my scratched-lensed, loose-armed safety-spec wearing Chemistry chums. Who knows, maybe I was.
(Garnett, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Unlucky Dip
When she was a little girl, my GF had a go at the Lucky Dip at a Church Fete and pulled out...
An apple core.
Apparently someone thought it would be more fun to have 'joke' prizes as well as good ones. Well, if weeping children is your idea of fun... twunts.
(Plyck, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 10:48, Reply)

At a country show
I forget which, but hey ho.

Bought some raffle tickets, and lo, my ticket was drawn first.

First prize?
£150 worth of Bull semen.

Mmmm...

On the other hand I did win a brand spanking new playstation when they first came out when I joined some crappy experimental Mondex scheme.

*Insert obligitory/obvious length/girth joke about bull semen here*
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 10:37, Reply)

Hang the D.J.
When I was about 16 growing up in Hull I entered local radios "Beard Game" competition (I think I was looking for excuses not to revise or something).

After being given a couple of clues I had to guess the place he was talking about (it ended up being the fishing heratage centre in grimsby, a high-class local land-mark at the time).

After all of this the D.J. promised to send me my prize in the post, its now 7 years on and no prize:( I can't even remember what my prize was supposed to be.

Viking FM and Cameron the D.J. are still on my hate list
(siblin, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 9:51, Reply)

ms berttie boughal
the witch was called meg, the cat was called mog. my mum used to read me those books, and i fucking hated them...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Tue 9 Aug 2005, 9:09, Reply)

When travelling in France as a kid we played this lotto thing
in a crappy pub. We won! A mini-moto. A mini motor bike! The guy left the pub and came back ages later with a tiny toy bike he probably just stole from a kids toy box.

A mini bike would've been ace when I was 11 through 24.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 7:44, Reply)

Airplane quiz
Wag's post reminded me of an airplane quiz I won as a real little kid. The question was to name all 7 dwarves ("Happydopeydocsneezysleepygrumpybashful!") and the "prize" was a little mini-fridge sized bottle of alcohol. I thought it was cool (it was a cute bottle) but then my dad took it!
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 3:10, Reply)

I won a competition at a sailing camp
and won a piece of elastic with a sort of plastic lump on either end. I'm still not sure what it's for.
( giant_squid, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 1:52, Reply)

Few years ago now
But on a last day of term one year (I think I was about 11, so 1992) one of the teachers brought in "blockbusters" the game (all the fun of blockbusters without bob holness or any redeeming features).

So I teamed up with the second cleverest kid in the class (I was obviously cleverest) for the teacher's wonderful end of year blockbusters tournament. There were heats and everything. Eventually we got into the final against some pair of intellectual no-marks. It was easy. A shoe-in. Job done.

So after the inevitable trouncing we gave them, we were presented with our studenty general knowledge, bob holness-inspired hyper-prizes. A fucking quality street each. One, piddly little mini fucking chocolate. And she didn't even have the sheet, so we didn't know what they all were and I ended up with a coffee cream or something equally rancid. And then everyone else got one anyway. Hmmph.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 1:50, Reply)

oh, i've got another:
in year 8 i went on our school's american exchange, which included trips to a few museums around washington DC and new york.
in one museum (i forget which) the teachers gave us each a sheet of questions to answer as we went around the museum, with the highest scorer to win a prize!
i was slightly geeky and had slightly fewer friends than most of the kids there, so i actually attempted the questions. and consequently won.
now i was about 10 at the time - which seems young to me now - but i did feel extremely patronised when i was presented with a colo[u]ring-in book about the american civil war.
(moik, Tue 9 Aug 2005, 0:33, Reply)