At my juniour school summer fete
some years ago, I decided to test my not unconsiderable skill at throwing tennis balls in a game that involved said task. So, I threw my alloted orbs at the targets and attained a satisfyingly high score. The fete had only just got underway, so I did not expect to remain at the top of the leaderboard, but remain I did, with the end of the festivities sealing my dominance.

Eagerly, I approached the stall, wondering what treasure would be mine to claim for this magnificent feat. I was then presented with, for want of a better description, a green teddy bear. It was old, fat, decrepit and slightly malodourous, with a frankly enormous lump representing, I assume, its belly button. And it was a shade of green that could only be described as offensive. I named it, with great irony for a ten year old, Trophy, and consigned it to my cupboard.

Nevertheless, it was not an entirely crappy prize, as I now use it for webcam conversations where, for reasons possibly not as sinister as you imagine, I don't want the other person to know who I am.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 18:15, Reply)

Painting...
When I was a kid (back in the early 80s) my parents were labour party activists (of the old school left-wing trade unionist kind). Hence myself and my little brother used to get dragged to exciting events such as trade union conferences and the tolpuddle march. Fun!

Anyway at one such exciting event there was a tent for the kids and they had a painting competition. I think you had to paint the labour rose.

Imagine how thrilled I was a couple of weeks later to receive some post (and it wasn't even my birthday). Turns out I had won the painting competition. Hurrah!

My prize - a signed photo of Neil Kinnock. What more could a 7 year old girl want!
(colamonster, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 16:35, Reply)

I once entered an image challenge contest
And all I won was

"Neverending respect from fellow boarders, and the next 5 seconds off work."




Or at least I would have done if I was any good at Photoshopping.
( Pachey, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 15:50, Reply)

local radio
I was doing work experience at my local radio station a couple of months ago. Being a non-profitable station, they relied purely on donations for prizes, and they did two competitions every day. So in the corner of studio 1 there was this large box of donations, mostly pieces of crap. (eg. a tourist information broshure, a zebra rucksack, some rope, etc.).

So one day I went in and the DJ was trying to flog this bottle of radox shower gel. He was describing it so vividly as if it was something amazing, exagerating the amazing smell and stuff like that. Of course, sitting on top of the desk was just this bottle of shower gel. I was practically pissing myself and he was trying to refrain form laughing on air. It was great. So of course he finishes the competition details nd gives the phone number.

And as soon as he's done that... someone phones in.

In the end about 13 people entered. Sad acts.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 15:10, Reply)

YOU have definitely already won!!!
For this week only clicking 'I like this!' will enter you into a draw where you are GUARANTEED to win the prize of your dreams!!!*






(*To qualify for the draw your idea of a dream prize must be the empty sense of achievement at pointlessly clicking things.)
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sun 7 Aug 2005, 12:21, Reply)

Ceramic cross-eyed bloody cats
Having spent a small fortune buying a pressie for an unknown nurse in the Intensive Care Xmas Santa box; I was more than distgusted to unwrap a matching pair of 12" high ceramic cats with a cross-eyed view of the world.

The bastards knew I was a dog person too!
(and allergic to cats)

Whats worse - when I gave them to the Cats Protection Society; they couldn't sell them and tried to give them back.
They made a satisfying noise being decapited across the desk.

I buy my own pressie now!
Bloody syncronised menstuating bitches!
(chrisjw, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 9:58, Reply)

oh, here's one
I have a long tradition of thinking of QOTW answers a couple of days after the relevant QOTW closes. Which is why I don't have more posts. The crappy prize part of this one is at the bottom.

My friends have a tradition. If someone is holding a drink, you suddenly say, "Hey [insert name], are you a buffalo?" They have to immediately say, "You bet your sweet ass I am!" Failure to answer in this way means they have to finish the drink.

In addition, when this question is asked everyone mentally adds the date number to the month number (ie, March 4 = 7). If the resulting number is odd you have to drink if your drink is in your right hand, and vice versa for even/left.

Why a buffalo? What does it all mean? I have no idea.

Okay, I had to get that out. Now a crappy prize: at a holiday white elephant gift exchange for a company I worked at, I ended up with a crocheted potholder featuring the San Francisco 49ers logo.
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 4:29, Reply)

who would make such a thing?
When I was about 9, I won a prize at Oktoberfest. It was a very unconvincing fake raccoon tail attached to a poorly manufactured keychain.

wtf? Was I supposed to keep my keys attached to a fake animal butt?
( madrabbit is fully prepared, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 3:35, Reply)

You May Have Already Won....
I'm a winner! Look at this loot!

The pictures come from the California State Fair (1998-2000). You can win them on the midway by throwing balls at stacked bottles. If you never hit the bottles, but buy enough chances, they'll feel sorry for you and give you the pictures anyway. I shot, I missed, I scored!

The trophies and ribbons come from ballroom dance. The ballroom dance crowd is great for prizes. I remember attending a strange 'Battle of the Ballroom Dancers,' in Casa Grande, Arizona, halfway between Phoenix and Tucson. Various dance studios made the trek to this neutral turf, ready to rumble: the Jets and Sharks on stilletos. Ambitious teachers, lame students, fake palm fronds and rotating ceiling fans in the insufferable summer heat: confusing routines, the forced applause - everybody got a big trophy or plaque, except for one old woman, who may not have even noticed: she was bent horizontally at the waist and could see little else but the stilletos.

But the pieces de resistance were eaten long ago: the 646 pieces of candy I won at a McDonalds in Salt Lake City, Utah, by guessing the exact number of the sweets in a jar.


(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 1:23, Reply)

Pub Quiz
Our local used to do a pub quiz. Not one of these ridiculous competetive jobs, just a bit of a laugh. Prizes varied, but there was a nasty phase when the Landlord started giving out bottles of crap perry ( pear cider ).

As a bunch of 20-something pissheads, we couldn't bring ourselves to drink these. Well, we did try one- hence the other 7 undrunk bottles.

Anyway, christmas rolls round, and we stroll into the pub.

"Hi Kev, Merry Xmas and all that. Here's a little something to say thanks for putting up with us all year"

"Oh, you shouldn't have. It's a bottle. I can tell by the shape of the wrapping paper. Oh, you've all got one. Thanks lads, that's really thoughful. You really shouldn't have."

No, we shouldn't. But at least it got rid of seven bottles of perry.

Guess what the next pub-quiz prize was.
Yup. You got it.
(TwoFourAlpha, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 0:56, Reply)

WOO! FIRST POST!
Do I get a prize for this?

[Mod Edit: Your prize is being demoted to somewhere random. It really gets to us sometimes, people doing that. Why, why, why do people have to celebrate being the first one to post their inane anecdote about a hilariously unfunny event that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I mean why. I makes me want to cry sometimes. It's worse than that. Sometimes I want to kill myself. Or kill someone else. Or, worse, kill a kitten. Fudge off, all of you]

[Edit: Ok ok guys, but all I was doing was reserving my place. Do you want to hear my crappy prize story? Well, this one time, at band camp, there was a tombola...]

[Mod Edit: Congratulations, you have won further demotion down the question board. We are fed up of hearing stories of you winning a crusty pair of socks that you yourself donated (fnarr, observe irony!) to some crazy hillbilly tombola. I suppose we asked for it with this QOTW.]

[Edit: what about the time I won a bottle of whisky when I was 8?]

[Mod Edit: Jesus H. Christ.

*Under breath, to aide* Send the killer kittens

*Aide* Umm, Sir, just because you put something in superscript cabbages, they can still read it. Furthermore, we are all out of killer kittens, having dispatched them all either to sabotage production of 'Cats and Dogs 2' or to savagely sever the slithery sinews of the other tombola bores.

*King Mod II* Well, call me a Rectum Raider and send me to Soho. Does this mean not only that the subject realises our intentions and weaknesses, but also that every other tombola poster will be up all night with his shotgun, thereby compromising the safety of the killer kittens??

*Aide* Yes, your evangelical holiness

*King Mod II, no longer under breath* My fellow B3tans, a great danger is facing our messageboard, attacking our citizens with underhand methods and weapons of mass distraction. We are facing such atrocities as length innuendo, leetspeak and, worst of all, Mod Impersonation. There is only one Mod. Believe and trust in Mod, and worship not the false Mods. In this time of great danger, we will not submit. We will not give in to these monsters. We shall instead excessively curb the civil liberties of our own citizens and invade other messageboards that few of you have heard of, from which we believe these terrible acts to have originated. A killer kitten (TM) will be sent to each of your houses and chaperone you at all times. Anyone who fails to adhere to the regulations stipulated in the FAQs will meet with a swift, cuddly and ferocious death. Fear not, for this is all in the name of Freedom (R)

*Subliminal messaging* Click 'I like this'

*Aide* Sir, they can see that.

*King Mod II* Fanny-flaps! Now they know that we are the true enemy, it is in fact us who use underhand methods to get our way? Do they know we rigged the votes at the last Mod election?

*Aide* They do now sir...

*King Mod II* Well, they all misunderestimated me! I now have a monopoly on the board's posts! Now I will take over the board!]

[Edit: Persons represented in this parody of the Bush Administration are fictional and any resemblence between these characters and any people or George W Bush are entirely intentional.]



*Then, suddenly from out of nowhere Mr Jums, a 17 year old civilian from North London, was shot from space with a death ray. BBC News failed to disclose any information whatsoever, in fact the only news channel which did was Fox News, which claimed that the Death Ray was an act of God as Mr Jums had recently extracted the Michael from the Administration. His fatal error, as the Metropolitan Police discovered 5 years later, was in writing the disclaimer, as up until that point the Administration hadn't noticed his misalignment. However, his use of the word 'Bush' attracted the attention of the Hunter-Seeker Algorithm (not because it is the name of our Leader, but because it is synonymous with Cunt, and all sexual references have been banned to preserve the Freedom (R) of our children). The Administration wishes at this juncture to inform all civilians that failure to comply with its wishes in clicking the 'I like this' button will automatically constitute membership of the Axis of Evil (C) and result in a death ray being launched from which not even your killer kitten can protect you.*

I live in the 51st State (Britain) and all they gave me was this lousy president. Allah akbar! *Spontaneous arrest by security squad*
(Mr_Jums, Sun 7 Aug 2005, 0:17, Reply)

Last year...
A local car dealership was advertising a big contest. They sent out game cards to just about everyone in town, along with coupons for if you did decide to actually buy a car. Well, I scratched it off and we won...something. You had to go to the dealership to find out. So, my husband and I went, and we were told that we'd won a $1000 shopping spree on a particular website. Later, we were looking at the website, and, well, everything was free, as they said. However, the shipping fees were just about equal to or higher than the actual worth of the product. Examples:

*One totally crap camera that wouldn't cost $10 here--$30

*A leather jacket made of tiny pieces of leather stitched together--about $120, when this type of jacket would usually go for about half that.

*Little tool kits, like I've seen at dollar stores for about $5--$20.
(meeezalch, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:58, Reply)

My names
Charlie...and Ive won a golden ticket.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:40, Reply)

And...
No godamn apologies for the length...its been two years and counting.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:31, Reply)

Vague as to
what the prize was, but I won a drawing competiton in primary school. The thing is, I looked around and saw that my picture had been taken off the wall so I had a fairly good idea that I had won. Mrs Millard, the stupid headteacher bitch then proceeded to humiliate me in front of the entire school by saying that I had spied the picture missing and guessed that I had won. So, because of that I didn't deserve the prize....which I remember now...some crappy book token.

Stupid bitch. No wonder I ended up in counselling.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:29, Reply)

God Botherers
At a god bothering stall at the Town and Country Festival when I was a kid, you could 'win a prize' by answering bible questions by leafing through a pamphlet they gave you.

The prize was the pamphlet.

Yeah thanks for that.
(CheesyChimp, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:21, Reply)

Radio Phone In
When I was about 10, Radio Merseyside used to have a daily phone-in competition called "Ask Yer Mam" where they'd set a question and if your Mum knew the answer you'd win 3 top 40 singles. I quite wanted the Blues Brothers single that was out at the moment.

I got through after trying and trying for days. They didn't ask me what singles I wanted and I got three crap ones. From what I can remember (they must be at my Mum's house somewhere) one was the Blow Monkeys and the other The Hothouse Flowers. I was gutted.
(Hagis, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:15, Reply)

I used to run a raffle stall at my school's fair.
And I used to deliberatly number all the good stuff with numbers higher than 600, which was what the to number of little tickets went up to. And slowly pocketed all the good stuff. (Mostly airfix)

Not bad "winnings" were they?

Plus I accidentally glued the back of my hand to my nose. Pulled and a small flap of skin came of my nose.
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Sat 6 Aug 2005, 20:56, Reply)

Crapital radio
In my yoof I used to go to discos with Capital Radio guest DJs. I won an LP of some crap signed by Mike Allen.

For some reason the sleeve was wrinkly and stained - he later confessed that his dog had pissed on it in the back of his car.

Delightful.
(zarf, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 19:26, Reply)

Years
ago the old supermarket chain `keymarkets` think they were bought out by safeway or something.Anyways they had this scratch card where you could win cash and cars and the like and scratching one of the cards I actually won on one of them and the prize was...........

a can of peaches.

Oh and thinking about it there was the blue peter badge I won for doing some picture about the lord mayors show in the late 80`s.Bastard thing is that it never arrived and i was very down hearted as my mum had spent ages drawing that cat from dick whittington.
There is also the lenny Henry live album that I won from swap shop.I say won but actually bought it from a 2nd record shop for about 50p but it has his signature on and `swap shop prize winner` sticker on it.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 18:16, Reply)

I think this is on topic enough.. Walkers crisps:
Remember a while ago (like, 5-10 year I think) when they had the tazoos and pogs (those little things bigger than tiddly winks that you tossed at a stack and if you flipped em' you won) and there was a 'walker's crisps man' or something who wandered around places like super markets and if you were eating a packet of crisps, you won some money!

Wayhey, just so happens he was there on the corner of our street and so about 5 of us went by eating walkers crisps (I must have been about 10?) and said hello and the cheeky bastard says "No, you're not allowed any money because we're on our lunch break". So he gives us all about 50 tazoos. Whoopy...

That was really disappointing. We should get double money and a sandwich for catching him on his lunch break.
(Catfish Ma, why can't I draw? "Because you have fins dear", Sat 6 Aug 2005, 16:38, Reply)

A duck
When I was about 5 or 6 we were living in Singapore (Dad was in the RAF). One evening we went to a local funfair and there was one of these "throw a ring around a thing and win a prize" stalls. The things were real live ducks waddling in a circle, and so were the prizes.

And I won one - pure fluke, but I won a duck!

So we take it home, the adults not saying but clearly thinking "ducks make better soup than they do pets". Got home from school the next day to find that the duck was already in the pot. I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking "selfish bastards; I'd won the duck, it was mine by rights, not theirs".

You see, all day at school I'd been looking forward to cutting the head off the duck myself.

Disturbingly, this is a true story
( De nada adan eD, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Dad
No, I didn't win him, though he would be a great dad to win as a prize.

He has the worst taste in choosing a prize though. At the local music association concerts (ie where my sis played clarinet and we had to sit through the same pieces for years and years) they used to have this raffle, and somehow even though pretty much EVERYONE was pressganged into buying tickets we used to win a prize.

But my dad would go up there (cos my mum is too shy) and choose the worst thing there completely unknowing of its crapness. We had crappy books, but the best thing was this HIDEOUS chinese tea set.

We gave it back the next year.

Also we once won on the tombola (never enter a tombola).

We won a small can of ravioli. It went to the Harvest Festival the next year and we still laugh about it now.
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 14:52, Reply)

Crappy Prizes
As a chronic 48ker - aged 11 - I once entered an advert based competition in the then popular 'Computer and Video games' magazine (C+VG). You had to identify a 'celebrity' from an artists impression. The prize was always a charted game. I guessed correctly (Ian Macaskill - weatherfreak) and was, quite literally, constipated with excitement when I saw my name in the role of honour the following month. I was led to believe that a Scooby Doo game - early playtest reviews indicated that it would be a groundbreaking feast of 8 colour mayhem - was winging it's way toward me and my Sinclair Spectrum. You don't need to imagine my utter despair as some 6 weeks later ( that's a life time for an 11 yr old) a package turned up from the competition nazi's explaining that the game I had been promised had been shelved/delayed in production, but that they were delighted to send me 2 games in place. The cheeky funts had sent me 2 shite budget titles (some bolox racer and a centipede ripoff) and both were for the commodore funting 64. I had to endure weeks of ridicule from schoolmates (who I had boasted to and agreed pirating rights with ahead of this) and worst of all I got sympathy from the lad with nashers who owned a Dragon 32.
Very nerdy for a first post. Apologies for the length but it lingers.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 14:04, Reply)

I won
a big pile (50) of obscure punk singles from John Peel show on radio 1. At the time I hated punk so this was the biggest crock of shit the world has ever known. They sat in my parents loft until last year, when I fished them out, played them, and then saw how much they're now worth!

Yowza!

£20 each minimum. Thanks John. Rest in peace!
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 13:50, Reply)

My dad won a "Guess the weight of the cake" competition
at family friend Peter´s wedding a couple of years ago. However, the cake in question was the wedding cake, which was a big multilayered jammy icing-filled affair, and it was pretty clear that this was going to be sliced up and given to guests rather than going home with us. So what, my dad asked, was his prize going to be if not the cake?

A packet of cake mixture. We still have it.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 13:49, Reply)

I won
a lovely shiny "No Smoking" sign and a packet of scented drawer liners for getting 13th in a walking race when I was 10. Funnily enough I used them both... the No Smoking sign still resides on my bedroom door at the parents place and my clothes in the drawers there still smell like lavander mothballs.

So much for the No Smoking sign though. Ah how naive I was back then, I can feel my former self condemning my new habits to HELL...
(brazzin, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 11:31, Reply)

Shit Prize
I entered a competition in the Coventry Citizen (Free Newspaper) to win tickets to see David Bowie.
I won second prize.
A Heaven 17 album !
I poured boiling water on it and made it into a plant pot holder.
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 11:16, Reply)

i just got a letter from uni...
telling me i have apparently won a prize for being one of two students who, in view have displayed excellence in the practise of engineering drawing and graphics, £30, woo

they did manage to send the letter telling me this to number 3, not number 13 where i actually live though... luckily my neighbour knows who i am so gave me the letter :-)

David
(442, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 11:13, Reply)

Local Christmas Fair
In one of the raffles I won......


A packet of 3 minute noodles. Lidl ones, by the looks of the odd german writing, so the ticket probably cost more than the prize.
(Rondette, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 9:18, Reply)