Not me, but my sister...
...though I enjoyed the benefits (read: whiplash) of this moment in the passenger seat last night.

Driving along all innocent-like, my sister asks "have you ever..." SCREEEEEEEEEEECH she brakes like hell and stalls out. My heart's a-racing, I'm looking all over trying to figure out what the hell kind of threat caused this.

She quickly restarts the car, and drives away trying to pretend that nothing had happened.

Her: "Uh, as I was asking, have you ever tried braking with your left foot? I was just trying to do it, It's harder than I expected."
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 0:47, 2 replies)

Dog Bite
New Year's Day. Out walking my uncle's dog. Said dog, gets into a fight with another dog. In a moment of panic I decide the most sensible thing was to try and prize my uncle's dog's jaws off the other dog with my bare hands.

The dogs eventually broke up of their own accord. I looked at my hands and thought, "is that my blood or the dog's"? Then I noticed a gaping hole in the centre of my hand where an incisor had punctured the flesh and thought "oh it's mine"

Although that was a fairly stupid thing to do I think I was beaten into second place by the guy standing in front of me at the small injuries unit. Who had decided to saw off his little finger. For a bet.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 23:45, 3 replies)

On the bus.
I brought a return ticket. Then when I got to my stop I promptly thanked the driver and chucked it in the bin.

This isn't the first time.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 22:10, 2 replies)

I put a couple of AA batteries in my pocket
Sadly it was the same pocket I keep my keys in.

In the middle of a sunday roast in a quiet country pub I yell "ARGH FUCK!", jump up and start turfing the contents of my pocket onto the floor thanks to the batteries warming the keys up quite nicely.
( CowJam, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 22:01, Reply)

repeatedly
at least a couple of times a year, utterly fall out of friendship with a good mate of mine. Never mix different sexes friendship,

it's just a recipe for trouble/disaster!

We'd think we'd learn every time, but no, we don't.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 20:59, 6 replies)

oops
i was in a restaurant, and my mate dared me to throw a handfull of salt over my left shoulder. his theory was that since it was religious(to throw into satans eyes) they wouldn't get annoyed.

i did it, we laughed...the unfortuante old soul sitting behind me, who at that moment decided to turn around, did not find it so funny.

oops
(apo-dap, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 20:22, 2 replies)

Whats the opposite of Ninja?
Woke up early this morning, and decided to go for a paper. Being a considerate husband and father, i decided to get dressed in the dark - Silent Ninja style, rather than risk the light waking my wife - i work shifts so regularly do this.
All was going well until i went to put my leg into my boxers but misjudged and sort of pushed my foot down hard on the elastic waist, rather than through the leg.
The sound of my face hitting the bedroom door was what woke my wife, the sound of my face sliding down the door to the floor woke the rest of the house up. The sound i made when the dog sniffed my knackers woke next door.

Not the dumbest thing i have ever done, but my wife took great pleasure today in telling everyone i am 39 and still need help getting dressed.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 20:19, 1 reply)

I am the worst person to dare to do something
once I went on a blind date. Now this would have gone smoothly had I not been dared to go on said date with the inside of my underwear smeared with Icy Hot. in case you don't all ready know this burns like the fires of all hell being mixed with burning hot magma and poured onto your junk. needless to say the date did NOT go well
(McShaggswell, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 19:45, Reply)

fancy a 5 knuckle shuffle?
had been preparing dinner and a few hours later fancied having a quick wank, shame i had been chopping chillies

i had to stand outside to get rid of the burning and water just made it worse

somepeople would pay for that kind of sensation

i wouldnt wish this sensation on anyone cept maybe girls aloud
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 18:57, 3 replies)

Well, being still at school
What with the school lockers made of metal, and the carpet being very rough and scratchy and nasty, I, being a dumbass, ran into the lockers thrice, head first, fell into someone, got into a fight, got thrown on the floor and got part of me cheek grated off. (on my face, so stop that childish sniggerin' 'n' all.)
Adam out!
[small but impressive burst of static]
(Mr Idiot Sshhh...my yeast are rising..., Sun 30 Dec 2007, 18:22, Reply)

I watched cupchicks.
Do I really need to say more?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 30 Dec 2007, 17:36, 2 replies)

In a reply I just made
I used the word "proliference". It sounded right, and I'm sure I've heard it before, but I couldn't be sure, so I googled it. It was on a few websites, but not, ominously, on dictionary.com. Then I thought maybe try it with an "a", so proliferance was googled. Again, more website hits, and a dictionary entry! Joy! A dictionary entry that says this word doesn't exist. Oh noes. So I try a couple of the links, and find a forum thread where they are discussing, among other things, if it's an actual word! Great stuff! Here it is - www.ambrosiasw.com/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t105591.html . Sadly they don't reach a conclusion. One guy, like me, think its some derivative of the word "prolific", but can't be sure.

Dumb? Well, the thing is, I don't care. And I've ensured, by way of t'just spouted useless drivel, that you don't either. Having said that, if anyone can shed anymore light...
(bacontrout got ska, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 17:10, 7 replies)

those 'hotels'
are indeed entertaining.. we stayed in one in Middlesbrough (!!) and paid for breakfast in the morning. Bad move.
(mercary, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 16:27, Reply)

I stupidly managed to catch both a cold AND a stomach bug simultaneously on Christmas eve.
Resulting in me spending the entirety of my oh-too-short holiday in bed sweating, or in the toilet doing something much, much worse. I'm not even sure how it happened, but boy, do I feel silly.
(wing_cmdr I mean not real, but almost a real hologram, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 16:19, 2 replies)

In the shower
When I was 6 I lived in Italy and went to a British Forces School. At the end of the year the class had to go up to the next year group for a visit, so that we could have a peek at what we would be letting ourselves in for. So it came to our class' turn and we were all hauled into the big, scary Year 2 classroom, but, unfortunately, I needed the loo really badly. I toddled off to the big, scary toilet block and proceeded to do a whizz in the cubicle. No surprises so far, but then I discovered that I couldn't open the door. After trying the lock for half an hour, shouting and attempting to crawl under the cubicle door, I was quite miffed (being 6, I was actually quite hysterical). A genius idea hit me! What about climbing onto the toilet, onto the cistern and then over the cubicle door and swinging on the shower rail at the end (the toilet block had a shower for some reason), and jumping down to the floor in order to get out. Foolproof thought I. How wrong I was - I got to the shower rail stage pretty safely, but when I actually swung on the shower rail, it could not take my weight and I fell several feet into the basin below, ripping my upper ear on the drain in the process. Big trippage to the military doctor ensued, and I came away with half a day off school and stitches in my ear.

Stupid girl.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 15:38, Reply)

I accidentally killed my daughter on a family holiday.
I blamed it on some local guy who happened to be carrying a similar looking girl, possibly a relative of his, to her own bed.
Hit the news and everything.

Signed,
Mrs K. McCann
( ClanSoul, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 14:59, 10 replies)

Fwuffy Puppy
I bought a rottweiler, thinking it would make a cute plaything for my 1 year old child.

Turns out the dog had similar ideas about the child.

signed
A. Twat
(bacontrout got ska, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 14:24, Reply)

The joys of vodka
Reading Festival 2006. Im there with some mates, having a laugh and getting trollied as is the tradition. Much fun is had, including telling random people that a band called "toothbrush" is playing the main stage before all the other acts.

It gets to the Saturday night, and we are all miraculously alive. I decide to test this theory to the limit by mixing vodka and coke in a 500ml water bottle, with half vodka. I drink four of these very quickly in about the space of an hour, whilst giving people free hugs. The last thing i remember is having the last bit of the last drink.

I wake up in the medical tent the next morning, in someone else's clothes and with an Iv drip in my arm. Apparently, I had ran away from my mates, started speaking to some randomers and collapsed, whereupon they had called an ambulance. And the someone else's clothes? that was the kindly ambulance crew, as I vomited all over mine.

Im one classy guy...

Edit: the hangover the next day was horrific. It involved shaking copiously in time to the music...
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 13:46, 1 reply)

Welllll...
I accidently shut myself in a suitcase for a few hours once.

And then disclocated my arm getting out.
(towels, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 13:15, 10 replies)

Driving...
Decided it was about ime to learn to drive. Learned... Passed... (First time! Woo!) and have now realised that I owe years worth of lifts and that being the case I will mostly be driving from Glasgow to Shrewsbury tomorrow. So if you are planning to be on the M6 tomorrow lunchtime - watch out!

Oh and wish me luck...

Length - emm about 270 miles...
(Jack Bravado, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 12:05, Reply)

shaking things
was on holiday in the states visiting ex mate from unii. Monster pissup, next morning after 3 or 4 coffees crawled out to a local grill bar for imitation English breakfast, discovered yanks don`t have proper bacon.

The helpful waitresses undo the tom ketchup tops so 3 or 4 shakes into the ritual....... I was wearing an orange tee shirt and it dried the same colour, shame about my mates white one.

2- once upon a time laser printers came with Toner in a bottle. I`m trying to print out an expenses claim, and the little light was winking, open the lid, and the flap, shake the toner and before I could tip it in..........one of my colleagues got the toner of my shirt with a vacuum cleaner, but my face was another matter I looked like a chimney sweep on one side. oh well blushes paertly covered.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 7:36, Reply)

wacky university antics.....
My least proud moment would have to be my presentation in Marine Ichthyology.
Previously I'd been blessed with professors that found my sense of humor and deplorable excess of personality to be charming and well received. Although I sensed this new professor found me less than amusing I decided to carry on with my plan to put an interesting spin on "intrauterine cannibalism in elasmobranchs" (fetus sharks that eat their siblings in the womb)
Unfortunately my well placed background images of hannibal lector and that of nirvana's in utero album cover mixed in with the data with a few little cannibalism jokes didn't go ever well.
It doesn't sound so horrible but the uptight twit made my life hell after that.
(MaryMolotov Spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy&Bruised, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 4:12, Reply)

almost killed myself a few times
1. drank large amounts of homebrew whisky. one stomach pump later, the doctor told me i'd almost died of alcohol poisoning. worst hangover i've ever had.

2. was given slimming pills aged 16. one didn't work, so i thought "what would happen if i took 27?" what happened was i had a good night's sleep, then woke up at 6 a.m. off my tits. had to go stay in my mate's for 3 days until they wore off and i could sleep again. her flat has never been so clean!

3. hitched a lift at 3 a.m. it turned out fine, but it was still really stupid.

4. walked across a flyover(bridge over a dual carriageway) on the wrong side of the railings, very drunk. balancing high above speeding traffic on a 1-2 inch lip of concrete, pissed as a fart, is not clever and causes your mate to sit on the pavement crying.

5. went into the deep end in rhyl sun centre when the waves were on. i couldn't swim at that time. i was hooked out, unconscious.

there are many more, but i can't think of them now, i'm tired. besides, i've made myself look enough of a tit for one night!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 3:27, 3 replies)

Ropey Swings....
Dumb? Rope Swings? Yay for Rope Swings!
Unless of course, you decide to go SWINGY SWINGY SWINGY..... SPLAT.

I, for the most unknown reason, let go of the bloody piece of wood and blue nylon rope holding me about 20 foot in the air.

Luckily for me, I think landing on mud, leaves and generally soft ground prevented a premature trip to the graveyard, but awarded me with a nice horseshoe shaped scar under my chin.

Marlbrook Post Office did, I must admit, ponder when they saw my muddied and bloodied body stubling in mumbling ouch ouch ouch can you help me please?

Pft and Meh.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 2:54, Reply)

Words Sink Ships...
Made the mistake of letting my mother(the kind of person who gossips with anyone- yes that annoying person chatting to the tesco till-staff for 10 mins while the que slowly gets bigger and more irritated) know of the "Herbs" i grow in my closet a few days before x-mas, big mistake come december 26th when at the big family gathering i overhear her telling various members of the family about them.

Still waiting for the police to bust down the door...

and one i've just remembered, always remember to tell your new girlfreind you get frisky in your sleep(chronic sleepwalker), can save a lot of embarrassment and pain.
(tainek, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Made myself into a rubbish vampire
Aged eleven I convinced my Mum I was unwell so I was given the day off school and packed off to my grandma's, along with my little bro who always said he was ill if I was.
My Grandma wasn't very well either that day so my bro and I were tasked with walking the dog. Unfortunately 'Bonnie' didn't want to leave the house without Grandma so I told my bro to run up the street with a dog chew and call her, thus enticing her outside.
Stupidly I held on to the lead as he did this and as the dog propelled herself down the front steps and towards my bro up the road, she dragged my with her and I launched face first into the tarmac of the main road.
My brother ran inside and locked himself upstairs screaming 'BLOOD! BLOOD!' and the dog proceeded to lick my face. What I didn't know until later was that the dog had also eaten the remnants of my front teeth which were in the road around me somewhere.
My Grandma couldn't be arsed to check on me so after a few minutes of pure disbelief I crawled inside and was given some medical attention. I had to have about 10 stitches in my top lip with no anaesthetic.
The reason it is the most stupid thing I've ever done to myself is that because the nerve was so close to the edge of my teeth I couldn't have them repaired until I was 15, so I had to go through the first four years of high school looking like a rubbish vampire (they kind of broke into fangs) and being called 'Isoceles' because of the triangular gap in my teeth.
Also I now have to spend hundreds of pounds having my Porcelain veneers replaced at the dentist every 5-10 years. It's not only painful to bank balance but to my face as the dentist injects me with a massive metal syringe and then breaks the old teeth off before doing lots of drilling. Ouch.
All I'm saying is avoid falling face first kids.
( neonpinkish, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 0:22, 3 replies)

Man mistakes peacock for vampire, beats it to death, goes on crime spree.
I just found this quite fitting article by accident whilst trying to ascertain whether another quite fitting story, from QI and featuring a man who shat into his own hood in space, was true or not.

www.silive.com/news/advance/index.ssf?/base/news/118337765847290.xml&coll=1
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Sat 29 Dec 2007, 23:06, 14 replies)

N-ice
When I was invited, at the age of 16, to my friend Helen's birthday party I jumped at the chance (being that I fancied her not a little bit). I duly attend this party, however I found out it was at an ice-rink. 'ok' thinks I, 'I'll be game for this' and I try my hardest at skating in front of all my friends and Helen. However it should be mentioned that I had a total of 0 minutes experience prior to this so my experience of this party was mostly sticking to the edge of the rink holding onto the bar and slowly getting my bearings.
I was fortunate, for a few others from the party were in the same position so we were able to form a 'beginners' group and try to find our feet like baby foals.
However, I am not a slight bloke and never have been, I fell down a lot- I should have thrown in the towel but I didn't, I perservered (mother's teaching spurred me on). This led to me falling down one last time collapsing (even more) in pain, being dragged off the ice and me being lain in the cafe with my friend Corina looking after me (which would have been lovely had I not been in intense pain.) My Dad arrives to take me to hospital (yup, no ambulance, they called my Dad to take me) and when I arrive I am made to wait for ages before being told that I've bruised my calf and to exercise it as much as possible.
3 days later and I get a call from the hospital telling me that I have in fact fractured my Pelvis and on no account to exercise it as it might lead to permament damage.
A very stupid thing compounded by medical negligence. Cnuts.
(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Sat 29 Dec 2007, 22:54, 1 reply)