Just remembered this...
Few years ago now, working in sales. Went out one evening with my boss to take some customers for a curry and some drinks.

We all got absolutely stocious, as per usual.

This particular night I was staying at my boss' house, a rather lovely place in Docklands.

The bathroom nearest my bedroom was entirely white, tiled floor to ceiling, and with lovely shiny ceramic tiles on the floor too.

Firstly, getting back that night while still very very pissed and trying to brush my teeth, I knocked a metal beaker off of the sink - it bounced around the room, clanging like a bell, for about 10 minutes (it seemed), all the while chased by me, trying in vain to catch it and simultaneously making very loud "Sssssh!" noises apparently.

Secondly, getting up in the morning, with a horrendous hangover, I decided a shower would make me feel better. Well, it did until I got out. The shower was over the bath, so I finished, turned the water off and stepped out over the side of the bath onto the little mat. Trouble is, I'd forgotten that the floor was a good few inches lower than the bottom of the bath, so I lost my balance a bit. Scooting my foot further from the bath to remedy this, I hopped straight off of the mat, onto the (as previously mentioned) shiny ceramic floor tiles, propelling myself into an instant splits-you-didn't-know-you-could-do position.

I was amazed that I could get my legs that far apart: I stopped myself by grabbing the edge of the sink as it got level with my face and heaved myself back up.

Afterwards I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, or which bit to hold first. My groin was pretty sore as you can imagine, but worse than that was the inside of the leg that had still been in the bath, as I'd managed to bruise it all the way from ankle to knee on the rim of the bath.

Still, my pains and shaking were eased somewhat by my boss and his wife's laughter when I told them... =)



I'm not sure about length, but I swear it reached the floor that day
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:33, 2 replies)

White t-shirt + coffee + sleep = oops...
In the whole of my life, this may just be my crowning achievement. Which doesn't say much about my life...

It was pretty late at night, and I was tired, so time for a cup of coffee. I don't think I had appreciated just how tired I was though, as I fell asleep while drinking the coffee.

Now, I don't mean "I fell asleep and when I woke up my coffee was cold, oh how we laughed...".

No, I fell asleep whilst drinking the coffee. Take a slurp of coffee, eyes shut, unconsciousness takes over, coffee still hasn't been swallowed, coffee slowly dribbles out of mouth.

The crisp white t-shirt quickly became a lovely yellow-brown.

Still haven't managed to get the stain out...
(lawofnations, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:15, Reply)

A hot cup of coffee
This one happened just now. I just made myself a nice hot cup of coffee. I was up late, and thus am very tired this morning. So, quick spoon of instant, two sugars, milk, stir. Idly wander over to the cupboard to get a biscuit while it cools a tad. Come back, take a sip of coffee and go "OW!"

Yep, I'd forgotten to take the spoon out, and poked myself up the nose. Clearly, not awake and with it. I need coffee. Braaaaaaaaaaaaains.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:06, Reply)

Not me but friend with many story's
i think it was two christmas's ago, his parents were out somewere so he desided to put the christmas light up outside.
everything was going well alot of the light were up, but he had some lights which he didnt know if they were working, so he turned them on.
He then started to put them up quite high, so he needed a ladder.

There was a little bulb missing, and the lights were turned on, and,he was on a ladder.

He touched it, flew back off the ladder because of the shock, (which he later found out could have killed him by his tutor which a similar incident happend to)staight onto his back on the grass.
FUCKING OW!
His neighbour came to his very scary/shocked/winded rescue ( after about 20 mins of not noticing hes layed on his back all stiff :| lol )
(iamdean!x, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 11:45, Reply)

Bungee jumping
I've never been tempted to do this, but a friend of mine last year took part in a charity jump - I think it involved doing many jumps over the course of a day. The aim was to raise money for the Air Ambulance - the same one that ended up being called out.

He reckons that, what with the sponsorship, the Air Ambulance probably just about broke even that day...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 11:35, 1 reply)

When i was in year 2 i was stupid enough to fall for "smell the cheese"
For those of you who are unawares of what smell the cheese is, I will try my best to explain. (Bear with me this will not be a literacy master piece)

Smell the cheese is a game where you try to punch someone in the face under the pretense of “smelling the cheese”.

To play all you need is two arms with hands, and a person of less than average intelligence.

Open your left hand so your palm is facing upwards. This will form a “plate” for your cheese.

Now with your right hand form a fist and rest it on your left palm. If done correctly your hands should sort of resemble a wedge of cheese on a plate albeit a very crap block of cheese.

Now that you have assembled your cheese and plate power combo, it’s time to find a person of less than average intelligence.

Approach the said person and offer them the chance to smell the cheese. “Smell the cheese?!”

If they agree (chortle) raise the “plate of chesse” so they can lean in and smell it. As soon as there within point blank range or critical striking distance. Quickly extend your right arm and punch them in the face. Bonus points if you get them on the nose.

If you managed to KO your victim you can proceede to take there belongings and have your way with them if you feel like it.

As mentioned previously I fell for this charming Childs game in year 2. I didn’t have my stuff nicked nor was I raped. Although the aggressor did hit me square on the nose, it bloody hurt and I proceeded to sneeze for 5 minutes.

Edit, spelling and grammar...
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 11:34, 7 replies)

Pet names
I tend to call my wife "honey". Yeah, I know - not very original. But it's just something that I started doing when we were going out and it stuck.

Unfortunately, I keep forgetting myself and have started calling my mother "honey". Which isn't terribly bright. I once had a phone conversation with her which ended with me saying "Ok, see you soon honey...mummy...oh, bollocks!"

If that weren't bad enough on New Year's eve my mother walked past me and I automatically reached out and patted her on the arse like I do with my wife.

I'm starting to think I have "issues".
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 11:22, Reply)

B3ta
Update on a previous post for this QotW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dumbthings/post109654): I was planning to spend less time on B3ta this year.

Bollocks. I already have a backlog of work, and it's only the third.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 11:06, 2 replies)

This is royally stupid
When I was on the phone to my mum on New Years, I wished her "many happy returns!" -- what a twat!
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:57, 1 reply)

Dammit!
Suddenly remembered a good one, came back here, read the next few that had been posted and have clean forgotten what I was going to post. But hey, at least I'll know when the topic has changed - it'll be the exact second I remember it again...
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:51, Reply)

only this morning..
a bit late for work.

In the bathroom thinking "Mouthwash" but holding aftershave. My god "CK" is strong. Lovely breath for hours though, still not sure about the mint flavoured deoderant.
(bugboybeast, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:46, Reply)

Ahoy there!
I once worked at B&Q as a general shop floor lackey. The only good bit of the job was when customers asked you to help them out to their car with a bulky item, because you might then get a tip.

I was asked by an old woman to carry a huge mirrored wardrobe door to her car. But a few yards outside the door, the wind caught this thing (which was about two metres tall and almost as wide) and dashed it to the ground. Where it shattered. The customer had just paid about £100 for it.

No problem. I took it back inside and swapped it for an unbroken one. Later that day, the broken one was sent back to the distributor as faulty goods. And the old bitch never gave me a tip.
(frankspencer, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:43, 1 reply)

Chicken nuggets
The other night i found some frozen chicken nuggets in the freezer. They even came witha little pot of BBQ sauce (also frozen) so whacked the lot in the oven.

30 minutes later I had some lovely crisp chicken nuggets, and what could only be described as a squodge of brown solid stuff that looked like a pile of steaming shit. Worse of all this new compound i had created had stuck fast to the oven.
Oh yeah, plastic melts when left at 200C for 30 minutes!

Doh
(Miggyman, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:40, 1 reply)

Diving
Stupid Diving Incident #1
Diving on the breakwater in Plymouth I found a stainless steel boat anchor wedged in the rocks about halfway up the breakwater at a depth of 10 metres.
Knowing I could sell said anchor for a few beer vouchers I set about recovering it by wiggling out from between the rocks until eventually it came free.
Suddenly adding a 20kg anchor to you does tend to make you plunge to the bottom of Plymouth Sound rather rapidly, resulting in earache from not being able to equalise quickly enough and a very slow ascent back to the surface to prevent the bends.
And I had to leave the anchor behind.
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:19, Reply)

Light fittings
I expect someone else has done this too, but I needed to put in a lightbulb and wasn't sure whether it needed bayonet or screw-in, so I had a feel around inside the light fitting to work it out.
When I got up from the other side of the room and tried to stretch out the weird vibrating in my arm, I went off to get the bulbs.
When I got to the shop I bought both types in case I ever had the same problem again.
But I couldn't remember which type to use, so havign forgotten what happened only an hour before, I stuck my hand in the socket again.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 10:07, 2 replies)

Is it just me that's done this?
Once, whilst installing hardware at a customer's shop (so I don't even have the excuse of being three), I walked straight into a glass door and knocked myself out.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:58, 4 replies)

Ok! genital related injury coming.
5/6 years old and walking along a high wall in my back garden. Fell off and landed bum first on a large stone or brick,(can't remember). Cue me sitting in the bath watching the water turn red. Sprained wrist and stitches from back to front down below. It took 2 doctors and 2 nurses to hold me down as I thrashed and screamed as they sewed me up.

Well, at least I didn't freak when I got my first period.
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:50, 2 replies)

Flaming Hell....
Whilst at college (yes, I was old enough that I really should have known better), I decided that filling a large plastic bin with deodorant would be a good idea - I still don't know why! Then, the ultimate in teen brilliance - surely putting a match into the bin would result in a small, but satisfying 'pop' as the propellant ignited.

The match went in; I heard the pop, which was quickly followed by an almighty fireball. I tried to duck, but not being Superman I was a bit slow.

I went down like a sack of tatties, squealing like a teenager who'd just had his face burnt off. A few hours in casualty followed by weeks of dabbing my mush with light paraffin and my face was back to its normal level of ugliness.

I still can't grow a proper beard....
(lastagain, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:39, Reply)

Stupid things I've done, stupid things I've said...
When I was a wee lad, I lived in a house in Devon with a MASSIVE garden, big enough for me and my brother to ride our bikes around without needing to go outside...

One day I decided to see how fast I could ride out of the garage, down the ramp that led into it, and round the garden. Flying out of the garage at approxzimately a hundred miles an hour, I failed firstly to take into account the slippery nature of fine gravel, and secondly to make the turn.

I'm not sure how but this somehow meant that I ended up lying on top of my prone bike, skidding to a halt like some sort of gravel body-boarding, with bits falling off my bike as we went.

A chap walking past noticed this and peered concernedly over the fence.

"You alright?" he asked. Actually I was, but more than that I was embarrassed. So what I replied with was?

"Yeah. Just practising stunts."

I still cringe when I think about it now.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:21, 1 reply)

just got back from A&E
dont tell someone who has a stanley. just fuck off.

7 stitches btw
(Patfish, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:17, 2 replies)

I share Maccy's Pain...

I have an addiction...an affliction if you will...

It's like drinking a chemical weapon that goes through my system like a rampant Lambourghini resulting in the finest black gloopy toilet explosions this side of Afghanistan.

Yet I continue to do it...ALL THE TIME...I can't help myself.

I...

...

...

drink Bovril
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:14, 9 replies)

Back at Primary School
We had a little playground next to the school, with a roundabout, a see-saw and some swings.

We soon discovered that on the see-saw if you didn't put your feet down and let the seat hit the ground the person on the other end got bounced a couple of inches off their seat.

Wa-hey! Fun ensued, until one day, in an effort to see how high we could bounce people, about 5 of us got on one end and bounced the kid on the other end clean into the air - he didn't let go of the handles though, which tipped him forward, landing him on his face and breaking his 4 front teeth clean in half. Ouch.


Length? About half what they'd been about 5 seconds previously...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:12, Reply)

Me this time
So, there's this bloke at work that i have liked for quite sometime.
Inevitably i was drunk after the works outing and i made the fatal mistake of asking him out. Usually there would not be enough alcohol on the planet to make me do something like this (very very shy) so i don't know what came over me.
After an agonising 3 day wait for him to receive the text message it took him about a nanosecond to say err... no.
Actually what he said was that there would be no season when he would be daft enough to go for a drink with me. Yay me. He's back in work on Monday and already i can feel the heat of extreme embarrassment coming from my face. :(
Oh well, i've only got another year left then i can run off and hide
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:10, 13 replies)

54 in a 40 limit
Got caught speeding three and a half years ago. Wasn't in a hurry, was just not paying attention to my speed (though I also wasn't showing off / driving like a twat / thrashing the guts out of a 1 litre Nova with loads of stick-on tat all over it). Got caught doing 54mph in a 40mph limit. It's a fair cop.

While this doesn't seem that dumb on the surface of things and a £60 fine doesn't seem that bad, I worked out last night that it will have cost me £560 over the four years that the three points have stayed on my licence.

That's a fairly expensive lapse in concentration.

I'm now one of those really annoying people who does the speed limit everywhere...
(ScousersPet, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:07, 2 replies)

Had to change my shirt
This morning I put toothpaste on my electric toothbrush...............

whilst switched on.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 9:00, Reply)

Ski jumping
7 years old, a friend and I built a small ski jump at a hill right behind the house. Since we were little and therefore not really fully equipped with logic thinking, we thought it best to built the jump so that we would savely land on the flat ground - instead of the downhill slope, where adult logic would command in order to soften the touchdown. I went over first and - proving that kids logic only gets you so far - broke my left leg. Spent a week in hospital and 8 weeks walking with crutches.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 8:46, Reply)

OK,OK
I've waited for the requisite two weeks - now where's my bloody QOTW? Eh? Eh?
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 8:24, 1 reply)

well
You know those moments in class when everyone's stopped talking and you don't realise?

Having not quite understood the Freudian term, I once shouted back at a classmate, "well perhaps I LIKE having a retentive anus!"
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 7:16, 2 replies)

rock n roll jeans...
again, a late entry.

Back in the giddy eighties, when I was all of about 10 years old, acid wash jeans were cool. And acid wash jeans with holes in them were super duper uber cool.

Having just returned from K-Mart with my mother, who had lovingly procured me a spanky new pair of acid wash lovelies, I thought they needed some oh so cool knee holes.

Now I was, and sometimes still am, a bright lad. So I didn't go for the scissors, that would just make slashes in them. You needed the torn and frayed white cotton things showing and a nice sort of gradation from slightly worn areas right through to gaping knee flesh revealing holes. Sandpaper was my weapon of choice for this little fashion modification.

That's not dumb! I hear you shriek internettently! You're right. It's not.

What was dumb was making this little amendment whilst wearing said jeans.

The initial scruffiness went swimmingly, with the white cotton strands becoming visible and suitably realistic (in the sense that it looked like it had come about through natural wear and tear).

Heartened greatly by this, I set about creating the knee flesh revealing holes by scrubbing furiously with the sandpaper.

This had the wonderful effect of removing not only the terribly unfashionable denim from the jeans knee areas, but also significant amounts of skin from my left knee, which began to bleed profusely. It also created a rather long lasting and interesting scab that negated any desire or fashion kudos that I could possibly have garnered from wearing these jeans, as it would reveal a scab exactly the size and shape of the cool worn out knee hole, which was stained nicely with my own blood in a neat little circle.

Rock.
(lessmiserable, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 6:11, 1 reply)