i quite good at
typing the letter T,
for example:
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTJ

bugger
(tyler198125, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Superliminal Messaging
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

CLICK "I LIKE THIS!"!

... and they all ask for drinks...

CLICK "I LIKE THIS!"!

... and are refused service. They forgot their ID.

And tried to pay with a forged Scottish £10.00 note. The bastards.

You know what to do.
(The Machinist, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:25, Reply)

Door to Door Religon sales.
I used to think I was a pro at winding these people up...

Annoying people (AP) "hello, I'm Elder Jones and this is Elder Griffiths"
Humpty (H): Holy Crap!! You've got the same name and the same suit!! What's the chances of that eh?? Must be a miracle. etc.

AP: No, you must not resucitate the clinicly dead: it's against God's will.
H: So when Elijah performed CPR on that kid, He condemned himself to hell??

I had few retorts, and even less knowledge of the bible.. I habitually resorted to rudeness to get rid of them.

Enter John: Quite litterally the son of a Preacher-man. I had the pleasure of being his room-mate an housemate for consecutive years at Uni.

John would invite these people in, and counter-quote everything they said with a 100% correct quote from the bible. John, Born and bred in the nast bits of london had a Weebl+Bob grin that was only a couple of inches from causing his head to hinge in an alarming fasion. This, coupled with his fantastic accent and his habit of calmly sitting there in a dressing-gown, slippers and armchair while systematically and slowly disposing of the previous night's pizza, or Unlucky Fried Kitten, would set off a superiority complex with the cleanly-suited god-botherers, and cause them to quote verse at him with alarming and mis-guided persistance.

Each and every quote was met with a calm and dis-arming counter-quote, and a gentle reminder that "maybe you guys would be better suited to working in a fast-food joint..... you clearly have trouble reading that bible and understanding it.... Do you want some chicken?".

John was and IS clearly heroic at annoying these people, and even more amusingly, when they left in a huff with John's Lunatic Grin following them out of the house, He'd say "Do come back for another cuppa when you've learnt something"

Go John!! :)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

i don't know...
... maybe i'm an expert in interface design...


                                                       ps: press here!
                                                                    |
                                                                   v
( bierbelly, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:57, Reply)

I've been an ex-pert since my boobs started to sag.

( Malchick, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Toilet Art Pro.
Does your toilet lack personality? ... Need a big shitty mark down the insde of the pan?

Then I'm your man!!

After YEARS of taking the piss out of my dad from "dropping the kids off" on the beach, and not the pool, It appears that I too have inherrited The Specific DNA profile that creates an arsehole with a squint....

to the left and back a bit if you need to know... and more noticable after a good curry. Infact, the blast-radius that occurs following an upset stomach is quite astounding: Quite how It's possible to shit on the underside of the seat I do not know... It's in the Genes I guess...
:(
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:15, Reply)

one Christmas, it was a great holiday but
I was disturbed to hear Dido coming from the local ice cream van. The local jobsworth bouncer (who suffered from Pilonidal Sinuses) agreed with me that this was wrong and offered to help me sort out the ice cream man until he noticed I wasn't an officer of the law, and I was wearing trainers.

Fortunately my cunt of a boss, who is also my father, a compulsive liar who talks bollocks(he is old now) and had an office affair with me as a child even though I was ugly (this was how I lost my virginity), turned up and decided we should sort the local nutter out together. I suddenly had a near death premonition and was lost, and decided to go back in time with my time machine, but had an onosecond when I remembered I was too lazy to make it and would have to stay in the shoddy present. Yet more evidence that I'm getting old, although I once overheard that this could be booze related. Disaster. Shaking off these feelings I hailed a cab, which was being driven by Brian Blessed. It was the worst journey ever, he mumbled a lot and we could hardly understand what he was saying, so I told him that he would be terrible in interviews, unlike myself, an expert. He mumbled something about clients being stupid, before he sped off, blatantly breaking the law. His tires were smoking so much they soon made the ape who was wanking while watching us smash a brick into his penis. Boy, that was going to be an embarassing injury. I really wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Like really unsure. But I decided fuck it, I'll just call him Pikey, the local slang for a ned, and cry.

So Dad and I reached the ice cream man and sabotaged his tyres. His parents came out and I realised they had once been in the local paper, and now I met them I realised that this was my claim to fame, it was a beautiful moment. It really is a guilty pleasure, pretending to like people just to get famous. They took to me like a duck to water, claiming their own son was a black sheep with bad childhood taste, full of useless information and got turned on looking at scars with "history". I told them the world's sickest joke, but soon realised I was out of my depth. I didn't like them anyway, stupid Hamdy and Isobella CerfunosharapovadenisonmcGruers. They didn't even sing the right words to Eye of the Tiger, I just remembered that now, listening to my walkman.

I got my revenge by eating all the ice cream in the van with a fork, spoons I have an irrational fear of. I still have that fork.

I don't know why I bothered, last time I ate ice cream I thought it was the worst food in the world, and was the sickest I've been, sicker than that time I wanked over my mum. Yes, that was a bad date. Fortunately I had my eyes closed and was listening to ice cream van music through headphones. The biscuits and tea were nice though. I was soon dumped live on a show, dedicated to me, afterwards, but missed it as I was carpeting someone's chimney (and I'm talking sexual innuendo here).

And that ladies and gentlemen, is my shit story. Ohhhh, I just don't get it. I only wrote it as I was skiving off work, and I had to make myself feel better for being drunk and buying a Barbie doll with the proper genitalia on eBay.

I almost certainly do not remain,

yours,

Legless
(Lannes, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Toy grabbing machines in service stations
For some reason I have an amazing ability to win toys out of those machines at service stations; the ones where you move the claw up/down & left/right and then press the button to grab.

The first time I discovered this 'expertise' was on the way upto Chester, where I removed about 8 cuddly toys from a machine, alarm bells rang and lights flashed each time I won a toy and by the time I finished I had quite a crowd watching.

I have since removed a large number of toys from burger king, Thorpe Park, Chessington World of Adventures etc etc

Its a bit like an addiction now

Not really all that interesting but true.

POP! First post
(Qualitypapers, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:16, Reply)

Atheism
I've been interested and enthused by starting atheism up as an alternative to religion, and after some bitter struggles with the university I set up the first uni funded 'Atheism Soc'. I've been in formal debates with priests, rabis, and even been to the Vatican to give a seminar on free speech and how atheists should have the right to debate their views without judgement. I've won essay prizes (total worth about £2000), been published in magazines, and been dubbed 'Most likely to worship Satan' by the leading Christian group 'Alpha' in the UK (watch out for Alpha people... they'll ask you if you've 'found jesus' within about 5 minutes of meeting you). I've also had a rather profitable T-shirt business with Urban Outfitters... you may have seen them, they say stuff like 'Jesus Can't Skate' and 'Where's Jesus When You Masturbate?'.
I think total earning is probably around £25,000. Yup, I think I'm the expert.
( meak is going to inherit the earth, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 2:20, Reply)

.. in "car fault diagnosis by smell"
My turn to do morning dog walks last week – so drove to park in wife's newly purchased car. On return, walked past old parking spot and noticed wet patch on ground.
First thought "Oh joy, 156k Mondeo not such a clever purchase”. Worried that patch could be oil, water, clutch/brake fluid etc, but couldn’t see what part of car was bust, so went back, picked up handful of gravel, and used my powers of nasal deduction:
Yep, it was a leak alright - where dog had pissed against wheel earlier..

First post virgin, how about my enormous length, have you ever seen a bigger one, really..promise?
(BeatsWork, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 18:21, Reply)

Oral Sex
Mind you, it's only my opinion and I do like to blow my own trumpet...
( Spunkmeyer, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 20:11, Reply)

I am an expert
in giving absolutely useless descriptions like him from off the telly.
( Fictional Emma, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Fun with cats
I'm an expert in making cats look like other creatures.

For example, if you gently push the cats ears forward and down, you can make it look like a buffalo. If you stroke its head quite firmly so that you cover its ears, and its eyes are pulled back slightly, it looks like a snake.

I'm also an expert in getting scratched by pissed-off cats.
(Pachey, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 8:59, Reply)

Blagging !!
After a tedious Xmas night out with work I found myself friendless in the middle of Manchester, with just enough taxi fare to get me half way home. With it being Xmas and town being full of revellers as is the fashion, all Taxi ranks were full to bursting so I joined the queue and settled in for a 3 hour wait. 15 mins into this I struck up a conversation with a guy to my right and as it turned out we were heading in the same direction, after a further 10 mins small talk I was hit with the blag of the decade. With new found friend in tow, I walked into the swanky hotel opposite straight upto the desk. "Party for Wakowski" I exclaimed to wit the person behind the desk said "No such party here I'm afraid and we're fully booked up" came the reply. Darn it says I, I don't know what to do! Could you please call me a taxi....."Yes sir, straight away, please sit there and help yourself to coffee".
5 mins later and my ride arrived, not only was it a plush new merc but because it was ordered from the hotel they only charged normal rates. Through sheer apreciation of what had transpired, my new found friend paid the bill, result, kebab supper... Which makes me.....an expert blagger. Tremendous !!!!
(Jetboy75, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Spoons
I am an expert in dyslexia, i can both read and write it in all its forms and dialects. For example, Dysexia is an anagram of Spoon
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:17, Reply)

My Wife
was an expert in the Japanese art of Budokan. We had disagreement one night that left me with a 2 inch scar across my foot. Next night I stabbed her in her sleep.
Fuck martial arts
(ElGatodeBarco, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 20:42, Reply)

Sucking cock like a gay man
Have been told severally by some frankly startled men that I'm very good at blow jobs.

It's because I enjoy it.
(EdnaWelthorpe, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:58, Reply)

residential lettings
residential lettings and property management with particularly localised knowledge of the south manchester and cheshire areas.

but that one's bloody dull. i'll think of something more interesting...

.... ooh and proper linda lovelace style deep throat technique. a dodgy older man meant i mastered that at 14 and have been putting it to damn good use ever since!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Big Red Cocks
Is a well know and respected fact that I, T-bone Sorbet Jnr, have a most legendary talent for the sculpting of Male phalluses from the waxy skin of that most delicious of cheeses, the Baby Bell. My portfolio contains over 400 different types of waxy red penis. Ranging from “flaccid cock in cold water” to the mighty 12 inch high “Red Headed Warrior”, the centrepiece of my collection. Though, I have to admit that catching those oh so creamy, cheesy treats can prove rather taxing. The real pleasure is in the skinning. Mmmmmmmmmm, skinning. Great, Now I’m hard.
(Jeeves, Thu 30 Jun 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Freakishly
I'm an expert at blood splatter. My step father is a forensic scientist. When I was 16 I threatened to commit suicide, rather than whisking me off to the therapist like a normal person would he made me study the blood splatter of people who killed them selves. One hour a night for three weeks I'd go through pictures of the blood splatter and write down how I thought they died. I still want to kill myself...but now once I'm done I can figure out how I did it.
(Kireland786, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 6:57, Reply)

My expertise is in the study of Tourettes Syndrome
Im fucking brilliant at it wanker,bastard piss off.
(shitstirrer, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Toilets
I recently worked on a website for a charity which aims to improve school toilets.

Hence, I am now an expert on toilets, the history of toilets, wee and poo.

(I also was the recepient of some of the best client emails ever, eg 'Page x, line 3, please add 'do a poo', and change 'anus' to 'bottom').
(Pachey, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:22, Reply)

Having spent nearly four years on a Chemistry PhD,
I'm now an expert in drawing crude pictures of a pink ostrich in MS Paint.
( giant_squid, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:21, Reply)

Budgerigars. They crap everywhere........................
In my early teen years I was an expert on Budgerigars, or was until I grew bored of the little annoying shits and gave them away.

Anyway i'm an expert as I'm the 1987 Llantrisant and District junior Budgerigar breeding champion so there and yes I know it's sad.

I won £10 and spent it on sex mags which my father later found under my bed and gave me a hammering, although I dont know if he ever threw them out himself the dirty bastard.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 15:12, Reply)

Gynaecology
Ahem.

I might not be an expert, but I'll have a good look.

*Taxi*
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

moonwalking.
when i first figured out how to do it, i swore i'd never walk normally again.
(harmless kitty, Sun 26 Jun 2005, 8:42, Reply)

Distinct expertise
Pumping out portable toilets. Yes, porta-loo's or whatever you lot in the UK call 'em.
I had a job which lasted throughout my college years with an "environmental services" company in Buffalo, NY.

This involved driving around the greater Buffalo area construction sites and connecting a giant hose to various PortoSan's (or PortAsan's since this word can be spelled in both ways), activating the shit pump, bingo! empty tank. Then turn on a chemical spray and blast the interior of the PortoSan to remove harmful bacteria. Finally, open the toilet roll dispenser and install however many rolls are required to top it up. Roll the hoses up, close the PortoSan door (sometimes I would randomly lock one up with a crimp seal for a laugh), remove gloves, jump back in my truck and race off to the next site only to repeat the procedure.

The fun came at the end of the shift when I had to pump out the truck tank into a holding pool (the equivalent of a metropolitan area sewage works settling tank) and flush the tank & lines with acid.

Once in my freshman year I backed onto a site while completely drunk and hit a PortoSan with the truck. It was occupied, and lemme tell you folks, the occupant was simultaneously scared shitless (hahahaha) and wildly angry. Why was I drunk at 8:15 in the morning? OK, lemme ask you this....what other condition should you be in when emptying portable toilets?

Yeah no question about it, this isn't ego speaking, just cold hard shitty reality. I'm an expert of no small note when it comes to Portable Toilets. 4 years of 6 days a week emptying the fuckers. Good money though, it paid my tuition in full *and* left a considerable amount of cash for alcohol and chemicals.
(speedwank, Sat 25 Jun 2005, 10:50, Reply)

here's one... kinda/sorta...
Ooh! I once convinced a nutrition expert that eating three pieces of red licorice every day from late teens can reduce the risk of prostate cancer in women by up to 17%... she used that fact in the very next lecture class and turned the most fabulous color of fuschia I've ever seen when she recieved an explanation as to why the students were laughing so hard.

Lesson learned: percentages ending in 7 are always more believeable.
(almightynoitall, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 23:46, Reply)

i am an expert in...
watching monkeys wank.

for my dissertation last year, i had to examine monkey behaviour in captivity - specifically, how the number of human visitors influences their behaviour patterns.

after some months at bristol zoo, i doscovered that we stress the hell out of monkeys, and captivity makes them go quite mental.

they spend a lot of time wanking / shagging (sounds good so far) but also a lot of time prodding their own shit (some people are into that too i understand)... and they hate noisy chav kids the most.

one time a little chav cockflagelator started screaming at the monkeys, so the alpha male charged at the perspex screen. the kid shat himself, and the monkey broke his face.

so you see, i'm an expert.
(bodders i'm a mighty pirate, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:26, Reply)

I'm an expret typerist

(skindley, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 12:58, Reply)