I'm an expert me
In the fields of Top Gun, and Family Guy. And colouring in between the lines on a map. Dammit, Geography is NOT an Arts Degree!!!

Oh, and the vegetation response to human trampling on chalk grassland... damned dissertation. It's a pile of shit.
(Tri99er, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:30, Reply)

Toilets
I recently worked on a website for a charity which aims to improve school toilets.

Hence, I am now an expert on toilets, the history of toilets, wee and poo.

(I also was the recepient of some of the best client emails ever, eg 'Page x, line 3, please add 'do a poo', and change 'anus' to 'bottom').
(Pachey, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 22:22, Reply)

actually
I'm an web accessibility expert, but that is far too boring for teh board. So besides that, I am a most excellent slacker.
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:56, Reply)

I reckon
I'm an expert in the subject of 1980s cartoons. It scares me on an almost daily basis, the facts I can remember - which no-one else seems to know.

Clandestino. - Evil genius building an everlasting road through the forest of The Bluffers.

The Bobobobs and the Bobular Quest.

Why do I remember this shit? These cartoons were on at 6-ish am on Sunday mornings. . .

I then spend the rest of the time worrying that the amount of time I spend thinking about this being a problem is pushing the more important stuff out of my head. e.g. Job, girlfriend etc. . .

Insanity awaits. . .
(Highlander, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:55, Reply)

coz i am a bum
i spend lots of money especially other peoples....i am an expert a living on no money and not getting kicked out by the land lady (because i am sleeping with her)
(fergflannery, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:28, Reply)

expert
i'm an expert in playing computer games for long periods of time (ie full days are nothing anymore). oh and i'm gettin kinda good at rollin so it could mean the end of my gaming!
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:27, Reply)

Hey doc
Perhaps we can combine our Holmes abilities and take over the world. By knowing what the curious incident of the dog in the night time means.
That or we can just stroke our chins and worship Jeremy Brett.
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:15, Reply)

I have many talents,
I am however expert at
a) Swinging a sledgehammer and giant tents.
b) The Sherlock Holmes mysteries
c) The Wagner Traud equation in relation to steel corrosion in salt water.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 21:03, Reply)

Zoidberg Impression
From all account I can do "a mean zoidberg"..complete with scuttling action and claw clamping movement....not got the little frilly bits, but i supose a beard counts...

*thanks to UltimateStoat for suggesting me do this*
(Phil Febuggure, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 20:47, Reply)

I really know my way around a clit
it's all about gentleness, patience and listening.
(Chopper3, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 20:46, Reply)

Blackadder
I'm an expert in Blackadder. I could go on mastermind and have a specialist subject in it, then fail miserably on the General Knowledge round.

But I tell you what, they'd go, "Kna".. and I'd smile, then they'd say "You have scored an astonishing 35 points on Blackadder Series 1-4" and I'd say "Yeah, and I would have got the other one right if your researchers had realised it's 'Ring Top Bell' not 'Raintop Bell'"

I can even pick out the fact the subtitles on the DVDs are wrong. When I tell my wife, she looks at me like I'm a nerdy idiot. It also annoys her when I recite each episode word for word whilst watching it.

Oh god, I need a life.
(kna has forgotten everything., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 20:35, Reply)

picky bitch me....
im an expert in pickin up spellin mistakes on handwritten advertising boards....
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 20:06, Reply)

i don't know...
... maybe i'm an expert in interface design...


                                                       ps: press here!
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                                                                   v
( bierbelly, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:57, Reply)

Expert? PAH!
I was sent on a course run by a racist bigot for a day and can now call myself a Competent Scaffold Erector ....and insult every cross-section of society without a second thought!
(Mirvio, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:51, Reply)

I'm an expert
I'm an expert at packing the trunk of my car for family excursions. All the stuff will pile up in the sitting room, then I'll take it all outside and place it sprategically in the trunk. Then my wife wil arrive with four more boxes of stuff, and I'll repack the trunk to accommodate it. And the next two boxes, then the next. Then the trunk will close with only the slightest extra pressure.

I'm not expert at examining the tires, because I'll get a flat out on the highway, and the spare's underneath everything else.
(Just a stub, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Trainspotting
In his youth, my husband was a keen trainspotter and has now re-discovered this hobby as our 3yr old also likes trains. They are both into old diesels and as such I am now an expert in class 37's, spoons, gronks(?), tractors, deltics etc. I also know each character in Thomas the Tank Engine & their number. Interesting stuff hey?

Also, I am really fast at getting the answers on TV's "Catchphrase"
(helenj, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:42, Reply)

Mine are all very useless
I am an expert in
-Sherlock Holmes
-Freudian theories of cruel humour
-cat whispering
None of these has ever earned me even one new penny. I am however entitled to get annoyed at tv Holmes adaptations, especially the one with Rupert Everett. That was a fucking travesty.
(BadKittyDirtyKitty, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:39, Reply)

challenge to bectoria
I am also an expert at sleeping in any moving vehicle. Cars. planes, busses, trains... I'm your girl. It's usually all good cause I wake up in time just before my stop...
Except when I started driving lessons. First one was fine. Second one was all good.
Third one I fell asleep.
At the wheel.
While I was driving it.
Thank god for dual controls.
23 and still unlicensed... the world remains safe.
(DippyFi, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:30, Reply)

RSC's
Not the Royal Shakespeare Company, but Recumbent Stone Circles. I did my thesis on this particular type of stone circle found in the NE of Scotland. Imagine they were trying to build a trilithon like at Stonehenge but they couldn't be arsed and left it on the ground, or something like that.
(garrison, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 19:04, Reply)

Low dimensional conductors
I'm an expert in molecular electronics which sounds a lot more fun than it is. Though I haven't done it in a while.

Am trying to work out a way of putting 'low dimensional conductors' with 'Andrew Lloyd Webber' but can't be arsed. Make one up for yourself.

Regardez-vous le girth! Je regret rien!
(aardvarkadam, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:54, Reply)

Ima expert at...
...giving head to girlies and boys


Apologies for depth not length
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:51, Reply)

Bass solos...
I shit you not, whilst doing a degree in modern music, I did a rather crucial project on bass solos, their place in modern music and history etc. Fact.
(not_real had his name thieved, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:48, Reply)

call centre
Working in a call centre, I can type the words "cust. v unhappy" so fast you just wouldn't believe it.
(Anagram, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:33, Reply)

Gribby grabbies
Im an expert in pickin stuff up with my feet.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:26, Reply)

Fired
I'm an expert in getting people fired. This isn't terribly nice but it's great fun since I only do it to the morons I work with. I fuck things up, feign ignorance and manage to 'suggest' it may be the fault of the colleague I have it in for at the time. As I have a position of authority and both my bosses love me, this leads to 'discussions' where I explain why I think they might not be 'up to the job'. This is further backed up after I allocate them tasks I know they're not capable of (they SHOULD be) and they screw them up and my director hears me 'talking the problem through'.

Monday will be interesting. My current target's off for good and I think he reads b3ta...
(rumandcoke, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:24, Reply)

The SAAB 90
It's the front end of a SAAB 99 grafted on to the back end of a 2 door SAAB 900. They made a load to get shot of a load of parts they had left from 99s. They're not glamorous, they're a parts bin, there's only a few hundred in existence, and I've owned two.

Yes yes oh yeah.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:19, Reply)

I am
an expert in opening doors using my elbows and arse because my hands are full. The sooner we get our prehensile tails back, the better.
(Xybex, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:19, Reply)

Poo
I am an expert in the following:

*teaching historical interpretation to children

*the collected works of Harry Potter

*keeping my mouth shut for fear of the pandemonium and upset I might cause others

*being a doormat

*not taking chances and buggering off to where I should

It's not really fulfilling. *sigh*
(Bunnygirl, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:17, Reply)

Insurance isn't as boring as I was lead to believe....
..and I now consider myself something of an expert in calculating 'earned premium' figures over contract durations. Apart from this, my only other specialism is probably an anorak like knowledge of 'Smiths' Lyrics.
(mcnelson, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:17, Reply)

Expert At
Electronic Music
specifically: Acid / Drill n Bass / IDM

/gets laptop
( Donkey Rhubarb, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:13, Reply)