did anyone call for an Ostrich expert?
I used to work at Eden Ostrich World in Cumbria, and had to answer the same couple of questions about the dam birds over and over again, which I had memorised from the large number of posters dotted all over the park which none of the visiters bothered to read.

I also had to bring out a baby ostrich and let them all give it a stroke (arww). When asked the inevitable question of how old it was I always, without fail, answered "2 weeks", despite the noticeable changes in size of each one I brought out. This became a bit of an in-joke between me and a few other "ostrich experts". Happy days
(donkey boy, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:50, Reply)

Wanking
I get so much practice
(nN, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Telly guess
The game where you have to guess what the advert is for before your opponent. I am Queen of Telly Guess, trouncing my rivals at each ad break with shouts of 'Ariel!', 'L'Oreal Elvive!' and '"Shall We Dance" now available to own on video and DVD!'

The weird thing is, I don't really watch much telly.
(Pachey, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:38, Reply)

guawd save her
At school I got a certificate from the Queen (British Empire) on the occasion of her Silver Jubilee, telling me she was my Queen and had been for 25 years (I was 10?). I am still waiting for my Golden Jubilee Certificate from Frau Saxe-Coburg Gotha!

I don't feel qualified enough to say whether 61p a year is value for money or not without such a certificate.

Is this what they mean by dumbing down?
(Potassium Permanganate, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:38, Reply)

Getting home drunk
I have a phenomenal homing ability that allows me to return to the building i am supposed to inhabiting at that point in time even when so drunk i can't see, feel or form new memories.

I have done it at least 6 times in places that i would have difficulty finding my way home sober- although the length of time between leaving drinking hole and ETA at room can be anything up to 5 hours. (Turns out London is a big place.)

What can i say? It's a gift, and i choose to use it to change history for the better.
(BiffTannen, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:36, Reply)

As I'm still a student...
I'm an absolute expert at pretending I know what I'm talking about, and pretending that I give a damn (for those nasty persuasion type essays).
(hat, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:32, Reply)

I can sleep for ages
Although I fall asleep at the drop of a hazzzzzzzzzzz

*snore*







Huzzat?

Bugger
( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:29, Reply)

My expertise is navigation…
I can get so pissed that several hours are completely blank yet I still, somehow and against all the odds, manage to wake up in my own bed the next morning, clothes in a heap on the floor and contact lenses dried out on the bedside table amongst a pile of shrapnel and with only a receipt from some bar I don't recollect ever visiting before for a £100 round of drinks plus £50 cashback in my wallet.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:28, Reply)

The history of Formula One motor racing
1950-2000, sadly enough.

Come back in a few years, it'll be something else. I develop insane enthusiasms for things very quickly, then lose them equally quickly.


Suddenly, Asperger's.
( dotmund .co.uk, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:26, Reply)

I know a lot about Sean Connery...
...and I'm an expert in the survival and continuation of Byzantine legal and social institutions in Palestine, following the Arab invasions and the later establishment of the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem.

I'm very knowledgable about ducks.

I also know an incredible amount about the Norwegian campaign (1940) in WWII. I'll prove it; did you know that the German cruiser Blucher (then the newest ship in the Kriegsmarine) was sunk in Oslo Fjiord by single shots each from two 19th Century cannon called Moses and Aaron? Did you want to know?

Despite being this dull and spoddy, I am actually in a long term relationship. I'm as surprised as you are (but possibly more grateful).
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:20, Reply)

After reading the b3ta newsletter...
... and finding out the top tippery; I have become an expert in many, many fields. (The best one to date was saying to find the worn out paint on tube platforms for where the doors tend to open. Thanks b3ta!) Hereth the sucking-up ends.

Oh, and has anyone mentioned the fact that an 'ex-spurt' is only a redundant drip under pressure yet?
( CaroWallis, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:18, Reply)

I can, in an expert kinda way
- Roll a joint with one hand and in a quite stealth-like manner - Always handy at clubs!

- Blag! Sucessfully blagged myself into the royal enclosure where I flirted with Miss Zara Phillips at Henley Regatta

- Get jobs where I'm paid lots of money to do jack shit!

- Surf a bus! Last done a few weeks back down Upper St.

ermmm that's it really no unique qualifications...In fact I only attended University to sell people drugs!

Oh happy daze!
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:16, Reply)

Special area of expertise:
projecting rubbish political ideologies onto Bagpuss. I swear that program is secretly about Stalin...
(Lapin, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Fuck all

( bloojam Is back(ish) in bl3ck, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:09, Reply)

Inappropriate Women
Finding women who are really inappropriate and then going out with them.
Yay !

-:Edit:- The latest one is being dumped tonight but she doesn't know it yet.
(A bit Manchester, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:07, Reply)

I'm currently
trying to acquire a PhD. Upon completion this should make me an expert in the best way to electrocute the ground systematically in order to get the most out of it; making up excuses as to why another deadline has failed to be met; procrastination; and the symptoms of ergophobia.
(arawn, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:05, Reply)

Phase Diagrams
Phase diagrams of 0.4% carbon steel*

*Until I drunk so much I fell over and broke my head on the pavement (I am now an expert on eyebrow scarring and shoppingtrolleyophobia).
Oh and lurking on B3ta at work
(A bit Manchester, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:02, Reply)

sadly
microbial physiology...i'm quite surprised by how many PhD's there are around. seems i'm not the only slack Dr around............
(prostheses, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:02, Reply)

i'm an expert in...
..."Factors affecting the importance of a time-based new product development perspective" or at least I am for the next 24 hours. Thesis is due in tomorrow, after that i'll just be unemployed :(
(scumchild, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:01, Reply)

I am very good at
writing absolute shite on messageboards. I can go on and on and never make any useful comment. It is a skill that I am very proud of and I hope one day to be able to use it in a professional manner within a company who will pay me vast amounts of money just to sit there typing shite all day and all night. Nothing would make me happier than to be recognised for the expert that I am in this very difficult area.

etc. etc.
(Von Trapp, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Falling Off Things
whilst drunk of course...
...i'm great at it, and I never really hurt myself...cliffs, roofs, stairs, floors...pretty much everything you'd encounter on a normal night out...

oh and sticking those annoying pauses in written sentences ("...") whilst ignoring most rules of english grammar...
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:57, Reply)

I am a total expert at
the old Sonic the Hedgehog games on the Sega Master System. I rule at those gamesm or at least I used. Haven't played them in time. I'm considering getting the roms.
(King In Crimson, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:53, Reply)

Scanning Probe Microscopy (Ooo Err)
& extreme whistling(!) very loud, very high pitch!
( Owza, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:50, Reply)

expert
i'm an expert at pullin ma puddin! any a youse want a wee shot?
(noisy_fridge, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:46, Reply)

Stabbing me ???
Were you the guy behind the hotel desk?
(Jetboy75, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Also
I'm also an expert at finding the correct page in a book with one flick without a bookmark, be it a novel or Argos catalogue.


Weird but never the less, true !!!
(Jetboy75, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Poisons and the different symptoms thereof
Also determining suicide as opposed to murder, and picking out faults in CSI.

They're very good actually.

Oh, and as a result of studying it for years, the imagery in the silence of the lambs novel.
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:34, Reply)

STABBING YOU.
Doctorate.
(A small damp ball of cotton, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:33, Reply)

Blagging !!
After a tedious Xmas night out with work I found myself friendless in the middle of Manchester, with just enough taxi fare to get me half way home. With it being Xmas and town being full of revellers as is the fashion, all Taxi ranks were full to bursting so I joined the queue and settled in for a 3 hour wait. 15 mins into this I struck up a conversation with a guy to my right and as it turned out we were heading in the same direction, after a further 10 mins small talk I was hit with the blag of the decade. With new found friend in tow, I walked into the swanky hotel opposite straight upto the desk. "Party for Wakowski" I exclaimed to wit the person behind the desk said "No such party here I'm afraid and we're fully booked up" came the reply. Darn it says I, I don't know what to do! Could you please call me a taxi....."Yes sir, straight away, please sit there and help yourself to coffee".
5 mins later and my ride arrived, not only was it a plush new merc but because it was ordered from the hotel they only charged normal rates. Through sheer apreciation of what had transpired, my new found friend paid the bill, result, kebab supper... Which makes me.....an expert blagger. Tremendous !!!!
(Jetboy75, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)