Hangovers
No joke! I have researched and studied hangovers. I have studied everything about the way in which the body absorbs and deals with alcohol(s). Booze is great, but it does hurt the next morning. There are loads of urban myths into booze and hangover prevention. Most of them are complete bollocks, for example - only drinking clear booze (Gin and Tonic, Vodka / tonic, etc). The best way to avoid a hangover is to pace the intake of booze, drink water and try not to drink cheap alcohol (White Lightning, Alcopops, etc) as they have the longest molecular string and the liver takes ages for it to breakdown.

Hair of the dog is just putting off the inevitable.

Best cure for a hangover? Water / painkillers / simple foods / glucose / diet coke / fried breakfast / sex (not necessarily all of them or in that order).
( Toma_o, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:11, Reply)

Expert baby killer.
I'm an expert in nitroxides, polymers and failing to get stem cells to grow on said polymers. In addition I'm also an expert at avoiding conversations with christians, animal rights nuts and right to lifers.

I also know all the words to Funky Town, how to tell a magpies nest from a crows and peeling skin off my feet.

P.S. All you right to lifers when I'm not culturing baby cells at university I work in a Pharmacy where I sell the morining after pill to the chavettes of Middlesbrough.

And yes I sleep the sleep of the just.
(mm123, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 18:07, Reply)

i am an expert at getting in to work bang on 5 minutes late

no matter what my start time is.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 17:46, Reply)

Expert in Drugs
A Master's degree in Film and TV. But what area of Film & TV? (cos there's lots of both)
"The History of the Representation of Drugs and their Users in Cinema, 1896-2000"

Just so u know how expert I am, this meant (aside from watching loads of movies) reading MASSIVE anti-drug policy documents, and all kinds of Govt think-tank sorta stuff, as well as books on drugs and society, etc etc

So i know my drug movies!
(Ferradura pitching curveballs from leftfield, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 17:33, Reply)

An expert in weapons and tactics...
I also cook
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Fri 24 Jun 2005, 17:27, Reply)

I suggested something like this a while back
I possess a surprising (psychopathic) knowledge of modern firearms, which is always useful for scaring/boring people. And occasionally being lame and pointing out little inaccuracies in the mass media, e.g. "the picture shows an HK54 - look at that rifle magazine - while in the game he's clearly holding an MP5 with its distinctive curved magazine, which holds the much smaller 9x19 Parabellum round.", which usually elicits a resigned sigh (though I have educated some others in the ways of modern infantry weapons). This nit-picking is mainly because my dad does it, and as I grew up it became ingrained. It makes me feel I have a purpose in life.

I can also drum on the spaces between the knuckles of my right hand and twist my tongue 180 degrees round. I'm also surprisingly good at deciphering and remembering song lyrics and lame obscure facts in general, eg Gen. H.Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr., of 1991 Gulf war fame is the son of H.Norman Schwarzkopf, Sr., who as the Superintendent of the New Jersey State Police oversaw the investigation of the Lindbergh kidnapping. Coincidentally, he too was posted to the Middle East, helping to make Iran an Allied protectorate.

Since acquiring a camera phone, I have also discovered a talent for compromising photojournalism, eg capturing documentary proof of an infamous incident in which a certain Mr L who, while paralytically drunk on tequila slammers, took the novelty plastic sombrero cap from the tequila bottle and put it on his (cough)head.

Apologies for length, girth and mess.
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Fri 24 Jun 2005, 17:26, Reply)

I'm an expert
in the epidemiology of respiratory syncytial virus (it give's babies snotty noses).

I know how babies catch colds...



/cries
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 17:09, Reply)

Perhaps I Am A Viable Candidate For Trepanning?
I write freelance for magazines (part-time, now that I've reproduced and stuff) and as a result my brain is full of weird little free-floating bubbles of expertise in extremely boring and/or obscure things I've had occasion to research and write an article or twelve about. Want to know about comparative costs per head of Planned Parenthood programs vs. putting knocked-up teenagers on welfare? I'm your girl. I can also tell you more than you ever wanted to know before lunch about the exact symptoms of various diseases, and what really happens when you get HIV. (Hint: you don't expire all cinematically like a 40's movie, becoming more ethereal as you go. It's even more disgusting than most people realize. Needless to say, let's be careful out there, shall we?) Insane American religions who think Jesus is coming back next week sometime and choose to commemorate same by rolling around on the floor frothing at the mouth? Check. Also for some reason I know an awfully lot about the sinking of the Titanic.

Oh, and I type over 100 words per minute, I can change a diaper with a cast on one hand and I make the best pot roast ever. (The secret is to put it - the roast, not the diaper - in a plastic bag and beat the shit out of it with a hammer before you marinade. Mmmm! Tool-alicious!)
(RedQueen, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:52, Reply)

borrring
This QOTW is depressing. Why is no-one experts in really cool stuff? Like scuba diving or something? Everyone has boring I.T. jobs.

I'm an expert in how to royally fuck up everything...
(mrmistoffeles, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:47, Reply)

You knows it.................
I'm an expert in convincing people that my icecreamvan is empty when I play my tune..........
(Roxy_Bees, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:47, Reply)

Expert
I did a PHD in expertolgy - I am an expert on telling people if they are experts or retards!
(gesiwuj, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:35, Reply)

I'm an expert in
all kinds of shelf filling. Give me 200 boxes, and I'll guarantee they'll be done in about 20 mins.
*flexes filling muscles*
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

the history of ska
at least, i know it better than the entire music dept. of my school, who have been teaching it wrong for ages.
( Iananan Formerly known as el-rodente, not that you care, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:25, Reply)

Avoiding Morals
I'm an expert at backstabbing, lying, selective misrepresentation, tactical prevarication, massaging egos, taking any credit going and, most importantly, making sure other people take the blame.

I'm a professional political adviser. Fucking people over is my job. And I'm bloody good at it.

For some reason people like me. Eejits :)
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Well, I'm an expert in
convincing pervy old men that I am in fact a blonde, big breasted 18 year old called Laura.



I bore easily.
( Detrius521, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 16:09, Reply)

Mind Control
I'm an expert in finding a nice girl to move in with me, telling her I love her, then getting rumbled cheating on her, turning her into a psychopathic girl. So far I've received multiple stab wounds from one of the 'changed', a punch in the face from another, poison pen letters and also a touch of tyre slashing. Grrrr.
(makavel1, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:53, Reply)

boring
I am an expert in expansion design on pre-insulated district heating systems.

Also the Mk1 and 2 Escort
( M o D, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:44, Reply)

it's exciting! it's thrilling!
I have a Masters degree in Social Work Administration, Policy, and Planning. Mostly, that means I develop empirically proven programs for vulnerable populations, such as children or the poor. I also do lots of research, sometimes lobby the government for social change, and do some policy analysis.

I'm also an indie DJ, and an expert timewaster. I can get by in a few languages, I once beat my whole high school at trivia, and I'm a bit of an amateur chef.

When I'm drunk, I'm an excellent dancer, and I'm also charming and gorgeous.
(emgee, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:42, Reply)

not sure about "expert" but professionally i'm a 'knowledge manager'
knowledge management is a fascinating discipline, one that is becoming more and more important across both private and public sectors in the UK, Europe and around the world.

one of the basic tenets is that in an organisation, all people have experiences and knowledge that they use subconsiously to perform their day-to-day roles and tasks. knowledge management is a key tool in facilitating the exchange of that information to other people, so that what you know is made available to others and nothing is lost from a body of staff.

no piece of knowledge is too small or too insignificant to share. you never know what other people would find useful.

now, i'm falling asleep as i type this, just imagine how fucking tedious an hour-and-a-half-long diatribe is.

i've no idea how this happened. i wanted to be a writer.
( new_matt, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:37, Reply)

i am also an expert in...
human evolution. i won't bore you with the details, except to say, i know a lot about monkey brains and pelvic gurdles.
(bodders i'm a mighty pirate, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:36, Reply)

I'm an expert in....
making my mouth look like a woman's part by sucking my upper lip then using my finger to lift it up at the centre. Filthy but always impresses!
I can also roll my eyes in different directions and wriggle my ears.
Very talented girly, me!
(corachcymraeg, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:31, Reply)

i am an expert in...
watching monkeys wank.

for my dissertation last year, i had to examine monkey behaviour in captivity - specifically, how the number of human visitors influences their behaviour patterns.

after some months at bristol zoo, i doscovered that we stress the hell out of monkeys, and captivity makes them go quite mental.

they spend a lot of time wanking / shagging (sounds good so far) but also a lot of time prodding their own shit (some people are into that too i understand)... and they hate noisy chav kids the most.

one time a little chav cockflagelator started screaming at the monkeys, so the alpha male charged at the perspex screen. the kid shat himself, and the monkey broke his face.

so you see, i'm an expert.
(bodders i'm a mighty pirate, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:26, Reply)

I'm a Physical Limnologist
I am an expert in the identification of benthic algae from central Canada...benthic algae are the ones that live on the bottom of bodies of water, not the ones that float in the water (they're planktonic algae.)

I'm also an expert on how the sloshing of water in a lake basin affects the lives and competitive abilities of these benthic algae.

My mom is very proud.
(coolchick365ca, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Gravy....
I make the worlds best gravy.

Sad....
(Repti_Dude, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

This week I will mostly be an expert in...
1) Attracting mad people. Firstly I got stuck in a lift with mad posh lady who informed the whole lift she could smell horses. "Can you smell horses too?", she asked me. Another example, I have just had a phone call (no one EVER rings me) from another mad posh lady who informed me she "did a lot of work for the wooden spoon".

2) Breaking wind extremely loudly and way way too often. Everyday at work I have to run to the toilet to let another huge howler off. Trouble is that the bogs are right next to where my colleages sit and I suspect that from the sniggering looks and stunned silence when I emerge, that the sound proofing might not be too great.

Bugger...
(Swirly, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:18, Reply)

No, I don't get free samples. Much.
I'm a professional Drinks Expert. Which is lucky, since I'm also an amateur drinks expert. I get to go on TV and talk about why people are getting drunk.

I also have to put together very boring databases about drinks sales. This encourages me to drink nire.
(stalinism, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

Sorry, this isn't funny.
I teach aircraft Electronics to disinterested apprentices, and have a book out in January on Racing car electrical systems (brum!). And I'm only a nipper.
( Spaniels Ears, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Working in telecoms for a few years....
now you'd expect me to be a an expert in Nokia DX200 switches and other telecoms related equipment. No I have become an expert at making a squelchy sex noise using my tongue and bottom lip.
( BindiBaji, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Only human
I got a PhD in Laser Physics .... so by day I'm building lasers for all sorts of stuff (from delicate eye surgery to vapourising bulldozers).

By night I've been practicing martial arts for most of my life so I now teach Kung Fu, Tai Chi and Self Defence at our local university club.

I still need a piss after 5 pints though just like everyone else.
(Tim K, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:34, Reply)

wheel of fortune challenge
clue: a part of the body

- - - - / - - - -

go on have a go...you know you want to.
(dukefukem, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 14:31, Reply)