This QOTW has got me thinking...
I've thought back to my past relationships, the serious ones. And fuck me if there isn't some kind of pattern forming. It goes like this:

Scouser - 2 years.
Yorkshire lass - 3 years.
Geordie - 2 years.
Another scouser - 1 year.
Glaswegian - 1 year.
Canadian - 1 n a bit years.
Welshy - 2 n a half years and counting...

Fuck me, I'm an accents whore!!! Never realised it; probably on account of hailing from the Midlands - you ever had a Brummie tell you she wants to give you a blowjob? Don't know whether to fall about laughing or gag her and take her up the shitpipe instead.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:54, 8 replies)

I'm going to post a far more normal one, hope it resonates with others.
As much as I love naked ladies, lingerie, short skirts, plunging necklines etc, you can have too much of a good thing, in Summer everyone looks hot, where do all the sexy girls come from in Summer I ask you?

I actually prefer Winter clothes to Summer outfits now, I find a late teen/early twenty-something in a warm Winter coat, scarf and fluffy hat far more of a turn on than 70% flesh showing in Summer.

It takes a hell of a lot more to be hot in Winter clothing than in Summer clothes I think.

Any other b3tans on this one?
( JebediahSpringfield, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:20, 7 replies)

I would disagree with my learned friend below
Beardiness - I've found it's an all or nothing kinda deal - ladies either really like it or they really don't, no middle ground.
Suits/Uniforms - Always a winner.
The 'strong-looking' type - Never found a lady who didn't like the slight Neanderthaliness of broad shoulders and strong legs.
Body hair - Again this is an all or nothing deal.
Smelling like a man - Fresh sweat + a hint of cologne = instant dynamite.

To back all this up I had an experience that was totally out-of-the-blue during my divorce some years ago. I was working away from home, living in an hotel for a couple of weeks, so I attended a local martial arts club as a visitor for something to do in the evenings (I used to train 4-6 times a week - alas no more).
I turned up most training sessions in my working clothes - a suit, changed into Dogi and Hakama - another suit, trained for a few hours with the regular classes, then showered and changed into jeans and shirt.
I had encounters with two ladies in those short weeks, both of whom were really into the smell of a recently-sweating man in a freshly laundered shirt, beards, suits, hairy chests and the slight bad-boy aura of a serious martial artist.

As for me, a real fetish is for ladies who look, dress and act like ladies in public but are depraved in private.
And lacy knickers.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:55, 3 replies)

Clean her up...
Quite often (usually as a result of watching pron) I'll decide that some random act would really turn me on, and it does when it's locked in the wank-bank. However, when that thought actually gets acted out, nine times out of ten it ends with me clumsily and apologetically saying "err, OK, that wasn't that hot actually". Pissing, dressing up, etc, none *actually* as good as the thought of them.

My last random turn on was the thought of squirting my baby batter inside a lovely lady and then licking it all out again, preferably with her sitting on my face. The problem was, when it came to acting it out, that once I'd blown my load I no longer wanted to carry on. Is there a name for the total and complete change in attitude after orgasm?

A few months ago though, I was in town at night and just about to grab a taxi when I bumped into someone I shall call Clare (for that was her name, yadayadayada). I knew her from some temp. work I used to do and I also knew that she had a filthy mind. We got chatting and eventually ended up back at hers and started discussing sexual fantasies, as you do after too much alcohol. I told her about the licking cum out thing and she started to smile. She mentioned that, just before she'd met me, she'd been in the toilets of the local club with a bloke and had let him fuck her. She also mentioned that he'd actually not used a condom and so she was pretty wet and sticky down there.

I didn't get a chance to even think about it, seemingly in an instant she had me on the floor and was straddling my face, pulling her knickers to one side. I was hesitant at first, especially as my fantasy was licking *my* cum out again, but hey, beggars can't be choosers :-) I have to say that it was absolutely fantastic. Everything, the mild dominance on her part, the fact that she was wearing stockings under her dress, the whole experience - Wow. Probably the only fetishy thing that I've ever tried that I've actually looked back on afterwards and thought how good it was.
(cfvp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:44, 26 replies)

.
As a heterosexual man I don't make a habit of having sperms in my mouth, though it has happened on two occasions, albeit my own sperm.
After blowing my muck in my lady friends mouth she went to kiss me, as always I view this moment with trepadation and blind panic, but I fired pretty deep down her neck as proven by the HABBBGHLLLLLBBBRRRR noises she loving purred so I presumed my soldiers were gliding down her oesophagus. How wrong I was.

Sperm if you haven't tasted it seems to have the consistency akin to what I'd imagine biting into them 'Water snake' toys you used to sometimes nag your parents to buy you in amusement parks only for your attention to wane as instantaneous as your overwhelming need for them.

The other time was a hapahazard 69, where I hadn't gave my muck enough time to dissipate in her fizzing clam, and was too eager to beaver.

In short; snowballing isn't for me. I spit.
(ihaveab3tanamenow, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:33, 3 replies)

I’m starting to see a bit of a pattern here...

Quite a sizable portion of the ladygirl population on this site seem to go effervescent at the moip at the mere mention of the following things:

Tall, strong men
Suits
Beards
The ‘scent of a man’ (for want of a better phrase).
Body hair (either lots or none)
Gingers


Now then, I’m quite tall (over 6’), I wear suits, and I’m definitely no weakling. I don’t overdo it on the aftershave...I’ve had a beard from time to time...in fact I could switch to being relatively hairy to being totally hair free at the click of a razor. And I suppose I could even dabble in gingerness with the help of one of the kit-things with a picture of Eva Longoria on the front of the box.

Funny thing though...Why aren’t I forced to spend my free time fighting off foxy fillies with the veritable ‘shitty stick’? Why aren’t I nostril deep in moist, quality clout every time I open my front door?

Perhaps it’s because I’m an ugly cunt. Mystery solved.

Let’s get something straight here people – yeah yeah, you can say that you like this, that and the other...that you have a penchant for chips, dips, chains & whips...suits, boots, flutes and poo-chutes – but there still has to be an initial physical attraction there...doesn’t there?

Listing the incredibly saucy things that you’re prepared to get up to with somebody you fancy simply makes things even worse for us mingers who don’t even get any of the regular stuff.

I’ve had a quick shufty through this QotW and nobody has yet said that they go weak at the knees for a fat wankpile who has a face like a bag of smashed crabs.

Please try to show some consideration, people.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:29, 16 replies)

Bed linen...

I don’t know what it is – I can’t really explain it. Maybe the smell of freshly laundered sheets reminds me of my carefree youth, maybe it’s the paradox of smut combined with my semi-obsessive cleanliness...

But there’s something about when a ‘bite-the-back-of-your-hand-beautiful’ woman, with a phenomenal body, lust in her eyes and a reputation for being ruder than the annual general meeting of the ‘Nympho drunken pornstars with Tourettes*’ foundation, is dressed up to the nines in the finest saucy lingerie money can buy...and when she lies on a freshly made bed with clean sheets and begs me to fuck her until her eyes bulge and she pops a flange muscle...well then I have to admit that I do tend to get more than a bit turned on.

Hmm...actually, now I come to think of it...It’s probably got bugger all to do with the bed sheets.

I think I’m just a bit fruity.


*I originally thought ‘Tourettes’ as in the syndrome, not the B3tan...but then again...if it was the B3tan, then that would probably be EVEN RUDER!
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 8:59, 2 replies)

I'd like to recommend myself
to everyone who's into 'golden showers', since I too am sterile and virtually tasteless.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 8:56, Reply)

Pee Fun
My first wife who unfortunately died tragically young, used to enjoy being tickled while she was being fucked.
One of her major kinks was to be astride me riding my cock while her friend Eve tickled her from behind, one time Eve tickled just a bit too hard and she lost control of her bladder, piss all over me, piss all over Eve I came so fucking hard.
After that piss and sex became linked just cant get enough now :-)
(raith50, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 8:26, Reply)

I love it when a woman plays hard to get,
Ultimately it makes the rape all the more satisfying.
(chopper_harris is giving you a reach-around on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 5:05, Reply)

It was not me...
But Indonesia seems to have a fetish or two...

Honest, I was bewitched

The best bit is "Widiana claimed that in his period of confusion, he saw an alluring woman tempting him to take her. It turned out later that the woman was in fact a ........."
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 4:39, 2 replies)

There really is nothing worse in the world
than getting an odd, curious arousal at the idea of something which could, to some, be considered disgusting, spending a long time convincing your significant other (who initially is one of those "some") to try it, then discovering you really don't like it very much. Not very much at all, as a matter of fact.

Wee-wee pretty much tastes like you'd expect, as it turns out. Once again, the porn industry sends me on a bum steer.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 3:03, 2 replies)

Hmmmm.
My ex was very well put together.

During her college days, she used to work in a local co-op, a job which involved wearing a large, woolen sort of dress type thing.

It was horrendous looking, but whenever I dropped in to visit and managed to sneak a crafty cuddle, just knowing what was under that hideous red and white overall made me glow with excitement.

Also, there's something tremendous about a lady-type in a knee length skirt, tights and no shoes.

Apart from that, though, it's basically all tits and arses for me, thanks.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 2:24, Reply)

Now I understand
I posted last week regarding Not Seeing the Attraction. I was talking about me. (don't know how to post a link)

As a ginger who wears a suit quite often I now understand.

Form a (dis)orderly queue ladies.

www.hotornot.com/p/?action=photos

Length ? Who cares gingers are suddenly popular. wooo!




Edit: Linky, I think.

www.b3ta.com/questions/coldfish/post540566


/shamelesswhoring
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 2:05, Reply)

I would love for
the members of The Specials to take a dump on my face.

I'm into skat.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 1:52, 1 reply)

Guess the Muff
Seeing as how its not really about fetishes such as electric cooled pony harnesses and the like, how about a game of "Guess the Muff"?

Totally and utterly NSFW.

guesshermuff.blogspot.com/
( Vambo, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 23:37, 7 replies)

for james cupboard and the other shitheads (no offence)
i would suspect the route of their kink is fairly simple in it's manky roots

but here's something for us all - seems we all love a bit of shit on us.

stuff called indole - most of the perfume industry would be fucked without this shit.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 23:10, 10 replies)

The long ____ of the law
I always used to be a little intimidated by the Police. I don't know why, I just always seemed to get an overwhelming sense of guilt and awkwardness in the vicinity of a Police Officer or even if a car drove past.

A while ago now I met an off duty policeman in the pub. Following the usual getting to know you conversations I explained the above. He decided that the best way to rid me of those demons was to face them ...

So, a few nights later, we met up again. He was in full uniform, handcuffed me and - ahem - let me feel the full force of his truncheon.

Well, it worked, I don't get that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. But now when I do encounter a policeman I come over all unnecessary... It's shameful, but I've wriggled out of a fair few speeding tickets as a result.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 22:30, 1 reply)

Hey Virgins.
I was Kayaking through Scotland last summer with my good friend:


Mr T.

As we approached the choppier rivers of Glasgow T remarked that he used to enjoy a spot of Formicophilia which instantly upset me as I'm a big fan of the film "Ants", and at no point did I ever enjoy it to the point of erection.
T, being an ex-army commando on the run with three other members from the U.S. government "for a crime they didn't commit" and an apparent passion for beetles nibbling on his penis decided that it might be for the best if we docked ship and headed on to land to find some "Beatles".
Little to my surprise he headed straight to a local record and tape boutique and picked out a few copies of albums by THE BAND THE BEATLES
T loved to crush his own testicles under multiple copies of The White Album and throttle his half-pipe with his free hand.

So I kicked his head in. His actual head. Not the head of his cock. That'd be Gay.
Actually, when I say he said "Formicophilia" I meant that he actually said "The Beatles, the band from Liverpool". But then again if I didn't bend the truth a little I wouldn't be on QOTW.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 26 Oct 2009, 22:12, Reply)

Skat
I could never see the attraction in that Cleo Laine.
( bane, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 21:44, 5 replies)

Freezing cold hands
I have always been under the impression that boys really don't like cold hands near their dangly bits and that it makes the dangly bits retract.
For a good friend of mine, however, freezing cold hands down his pants actually signals the start of fun-n-games - the cold hands definitely doesn't cause shrinkage, in fact quite the opposite. From a purely biological perspective, I've never understood that...
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 21:19, 2 replies)

Pizza
Another ex loved pizza. Always wanted it. It was rather sexy the way she lustfully ate it. She loved eating it topless and getting me to lick sauce and cheese off her chest. She ravaged my sex pole when I'd cover it with a slice of pepperoni. I even got to stick the crust up her lady bits. Sex with a pizza was quite fun. The creative ways to use the sauce, the spicy tingle of it. I'll admit I was kind weirded out at first but I came to enjoy her and the sectional feta cheese we shared.

No apologies for length or shittiness of the above. But I should be.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 20:28, Reply)

Do I really have to add anything more than point to my login name?
No probably not.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 19:29, 1 reply)

I love lady poop.
Pure and simple. Nothing turns me on more than a lovely, fresh-faced lady laying a cable... except maybe a man dropping his load on a ladies bits... Sloppier the better.

I wish I knew why.
(Mr Eraserhead Why aren't you a lemon?, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 18:06, 9 replies)

My Dad used to make my Mum dress up as a nurse.
Then, he'd get her in the car. They'd go for a little bit of a drive, and end up at the local hospital.

He'd drop her off, and she'd go inside. And work a full shift.

Then, when she got paid at the end of the month, he'd spend the money on whores.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 17:09, 2 replies)

I have to wonder
If some people get their sexual jollies from toothache? Because right now I'd be dynamite to them.

OW!!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:16, 2 replies)

Cleveland Steamer
In the commercial catering industry, it's best not to get too excited if someone asks you "How much for a Cleveland steamer?"

(57841, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:07, 1 reply)

I never used to believe the posts on the B3ta board
..until something similar happened to me.
I'm a trucker with a 10-inch cock.

No apologies for length or girth.
(TommyShanks, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:51, Reply)

For years, one of my former brothers in law used to have terrible lower body pain and it was whispered that he pee'd blood now and then.
He was also monumentally surly, even by adolescent boy-standards, all through his teens. This was later put down to the pain he was in, but I reckon embarrassment played a part too, as we'll see...

When he was about 20 he had an operation on his bladder. A large stone was removed. I saw this stone, and it was round, nearly the size of my palm across, and half a centimetre thick in the middle, with sharp edges.

That must've been agony to carry around for all those years. However, more interestingly, the doctors found a small piece of wire embedded in the stone. The stone had formed around this wire, like a pearl around a piece of grit.

So... how had it got there?
His mother declared that as he'd fallen into a pond when he was 8, he must have swallowed the wire then and it had 'worked its way down'.

What bollocks. I think he shoved it up his Jap's eye during some young teenage willy-play and when he couldn't get it out, tried to ignore it and hoped it'd reappear naturally.

I told both the then Mr Quar and his mother this, and they were both furious that I should make such a filthy allegation against the sweet innocent lad.
That just made it funnier, I'm afraid.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:06, 16 replies)