Waking Life
Slacker-type keeps waking up into a continuation of the same eerie dream-world, and meeting a succession of intense character who each offer their own weird philosophies about the nature of a reality that has been disturbingly altered - removed enough from our own to be considered objectively, but close enough to be disquieting in a blown-mind "what the fuck" kind of way. Beautiful animation made by superimposing frames on real-life scenes with real actors.

You know the film's got to you when you find yourself flicking light-switches to see if they still work.
(lost, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:54, Reply)

The Hudsucker Proxy
cos it's. you know, for kids. O

saw it around christmas time about 10 years ago and fell in love with it- it is sorely underwatched and i urge everyone in the spooniverse to view it somehow....
() do bears shit on the wooden pope?, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:48, 2 replies)

Just remembered another one
Sheriff and the Satellite Kid and it's sequel - Why don't you pick on me?

Watched it when I was about 8 and cried my eyes out when I watched it at the end....

Also, strangely enuff, I watched a movie called The Nuclear Countdown around the same time and cried when the president died :(.

My mum still takes the p*ss out of that one..

On an off topic point..anyone read Oor Wullie?

I was reading it when I was a kid...and Wullie had this pet mouse called Jeemie...Wullie couldn't keep him anymore and sent him off....so off walks wee Jeemie...his little belongings in a wee bag on a stick...look sad as he wanders off..

So what does 5 year David do....?

Waaaaaa :'(

yeap, I cried my little heart out..
(scotsbloke, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:45, 7 replies)

Porno-fied movie titles
are always funny - I still smirk every time I see "Schindler's Fist"
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:42, 8 replies)

Naked Gun 2+1/2
...ok, it might not be the greatest film ever, but I'll certainly never forget the first time I watched it.

I were a nipper that day, I think about 8 years old and on the beeb they announce it's up right after the news. I remember getting all excited by this; my mum was quite strict about the tele so me & my brother rarely got to watch any films.
Anyway, true to form, mum says "No! It's waaaay past your bedtime sonnyJim!" and promptly carts me upstairs, unrepentant.
Now, that was bad enough, but what was worse was the fact she clearly wanted to see it, and alone as I could hear the muffled film as I lay in bed.
Anyway, i forget why now, but I look out my bedroom window instead; it was summer and still light, but that's when I noticed one of the houses just over the road were watching it too on their tiny television set...all the action scenes seemed to match upto the muffled sounds I could just about hear from downstairs.
So b3ta, I watched from almost start-to-finish the naked gun 2 on two separate TV sets simultaneously. It was my proudest moment that year!
( slippery doctore, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:41, Reply)

Robotjox - Like Transformers done by your local panto.........
Robotjox, you have to see this film. Whenever I think of it it evokes memories of the heady days of VHS. Massive cassette covers (Fucking hand drawn mind you, not even a photo of the actors!) Dodgy tracking, poor acting and some of the best stop-motion fight scenes ever committed to B-Movie celluloid.

In a nutshell this is Mechwarriors the film. The storyline is a one note special wherein the dirty Commies and the Valiant Yanks duke it out using massive mechanised suits, the victor effectively defending \ capturing some contested zone of post nuclear-winter scud.

There is a sort of Red Baron character on the Commie side who defies the referees (actually wearing pinstripes can you believe it) and snuffs out all the Yanks who dare take him on. His sub-Dick Dastardly sniggering afterwards has to be seen to be believed!

Cue our hero donning the Giant Robot suit and taking his whoop-ass to the Russian. Mr America has a new Gizmo on his robot which should surely turn the tide but it all goes horribly wrong.

Turns out there's a mole in the American operation who is singing like a bird to the Russians. He gets found out, tops himself and the Hero goes for a David versus Goliath face off with the laughing Ruskie.

It sounds shit, it sort of is shit, but it's also genius. They don't make films quite like this anymore. The robot scenes are awesome and the hammy acting just makes the whole thing seem even more enthralling.

I found this film on a 50p stall a few years ago and watched it with some friends. I loved it. they said it was the shittest film they had ever seen. So that makes it awesome.
( Hitler's Barber Soylent Green is high in saturated fat, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:40, 2 replies)

It seems everyone is posting their all-time favourite films in some sort of Rob Gordon-esque interwebs flash mob. So here are mine.
10 Batman Begins
9 Pulp Fiction
8 Dont Look Back
7 Walk the Line
6 There Will Be Blood
5 Glory
4 No Country For Old Men
3 High Fidelity
2 Empire Strikes Back
1 Saving Private Ryan

Now, I love Saving Private Ryan for the realistic portrayal of war, amazing acting, that little shake thing the camera does whenever an explosion happens, the bit where the camera man just runs up the beach, how its off-colour, the perfect orchestral score and the scene where Tom Hanks has a little bit of alone time and weeps at the loss of one of his men.

Sometimes though, I really can't tell which is better. The opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan on Omaha Beach found here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFQIuF590B4

or the final scene of Glory where HERE BE SPOILERS! Lt. Cole dies and the whole 54th charge the fort, found here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2c_BvVBd-Q&feature=related and www.youtube.com/watch?v=rawwMraLLl4&feature=related END SPOILERS!

I will always remember my first viewing of Saving Private Ryan though, as I happened to be eating fish and chips with plenty of tomato ketchup the moment the guy with his intestines hanging out appeared on screen. Still managed to hold it in though.

Length? Well over 22 hours worth of digital goodness there
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:34, Reply)

Lists
For years now I've hated timelines. Not general timelines, like, say, the timeline of a historic event, but STUPID timelines. Especially pictoral ones. Especially ones in The Sun, or Heat (alright I read it in the dentist).

So, for example, The Sun, neglecting for a moment their usual gritty journalism, had a timeline of Victoria Beckham's hairstyles over the years.

The timeline went thus: 1994..1997...2006, Sept 2007, Nov 2007, Jan 2008, March 2008.

That's a SHIT timeline. 3 years between the first two pictures, bloody 9 years between the next two and then three within months apart.

It fair makes my blood boil. They should have done it yearly . That's a fair timeline. Yes I know, I'm not quite right. But we all get irritated by something.

Anyway over the years my hatred of timelines has evolved into a general dislike of lists as a whole. Especially nonsensical ones. Like, someone listing to you, verbally, what they have done that day, like you give a toss ('and then I put some laundry in, and I used that new comfort creme, and then at ten past, no, twenty past, the phone rang and it was one of those window men, so anyway at half past I...ARGH SHUTUPIDONTCARE) or seeing top 10 most tasty ice cream flavours on a website, I don't care, I still like Rum N Raisin, I don't care vanilla is no1, it is boring icecream, boring and pointless, like YOUR STUPID LIST.

This leads me onto this QOTW. By all means tell us WHY you like a film, what IMPACT it had on you, as a person, what SIGNIFICANCE it holds. Make us understand, because films are a matter of opinion and QOTW is meant to be you know...not a load of lists.

I hate lists :( (and timelines).

Edit: my favourite film is Planes, Trains and Automobiles because John Candy was an absolute joy to watch and because when I was little I had a top-loading Betamax and this was the only non-recorded-off-the-telly film I owned. When I met my fiance, he had it on double video-CD. Clearly he was the one for me.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:33, 1 reply)

I'm a big fan of the John Woo classics
But at the moment WALL-E has to take the biscuit
something about watching in a field in somerset makes it that little bit better.

I think it is out in the cinema as of today.
go watch it
(The Ear-Trumpet Addicting is NOT a word., Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:31, 2 replies)

Smokey and the bandit
cars jumping stuff, CB radios, dogs, moustaches, what more could you ask for?

fantastic film.

East Bound and Down gets played any time I start a journey that is longer than the song.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:29, 3 replies)

Candleshoe
I think I was about ten or eleven and I was taken to the Saturday morning pictures by a friend of my mother’s. Mrs H used to work as a childminder and foster carer so she was always surrounded by hoards of children, one more was no problem.

Off we went to the tiny cinema in Herne Bay – it’s been knocked down since to make way for a car park.

Maybe we had sweets, maybe popcorn or even squash. To be honest, it was so long ago I don’t remember. It’s more likely that we had nothing – sweets had only just come off rationing to be a treat.

So there we all are, a cinema full of pre-pubescent boys and girls all watching the big silver screen expectantly.

The organ plays – yes, not only was this a Long Time Ago but as a seaside town the cinema had an organ – although I don’t think it was at the front with flashing lights and a man in a sparkly jacket, but it could have been…in my head, at least.

And at last the curtains go back to reveal the first film.


Back in those days there were always two films show – the Feature Presentation and a B-Movie. Not like the heyday of American Cinema where the B-Movie would be something like ‘The Thing’ or ‘Killer Tomatoes from Mars’, no, here in the UK as recently as the 80s we would get a B-Movie all about the Water System. Twenty minutes or if you were really unlucky, half and hour of mind and bum numbing facts about how water gets from the reservoirs to our taps, all explained with the help of line diagrams and the occasional clip of ‘action’ from the processing plant.

Thrilling stuff!



Then the intermission.

Organ again.

Ice cream if you were lucky.

Loos.

If you’re about 11 and easily bored then you slip off to the loos just to stretch you legs and see if there are any nice boys sweets to be had.

Into the ladies with one of the girls – Jackie - who was being fostered with Mrs H, quick pee and we’re standing side by side washing our hands.

“Have you got ten pence?” Jackie asks me.

“Why yes I have. My mother gave it to me this very morning with the express request that I purchase some sweets for myself.”*

Two ten pence coins are then inserted into the rusty looking machine upon the wall. The machine promises a little box with flowers upon it in return for the coins.

Sweets! We think…

The knob is turned and “Clunk” the box falls into the dispensing chute.

The box is very pretty. It is white with pale green leaves and ribbons upon it.


We open the box – maybe the sweets are inside.


No sweets.


Instead a rather strange item is removed – it’s oblong, about an inch thick and of similar size to a house brick.

It appears to be made from cotton wool wrapped with toilet paper and each end sports a natty little loop.


“Oh look!” Says Jackie, “It’s for when you have a headache!”


She slips the loops over her ears and brings the brick to settle upon her forehead.


“That looks silly” I say in my pre-pubescent wisdom.


The door opens, in walks Mrs H.

“You’re missing Candleshoe!”

We ask about the headache brick. She tells me that my mother will explain it to me.


Soon we are sitting back in our hard chairs watching the young Jodie Foster be a charming orphan in England.


It was a dull film, yet I’ve never forgotten going to see it. I still wonder to this day whatever those things were that we bought in the ladies toilets….and my mother never did explain it to me.



*My recollection may not be exact.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:28, 8 replies)

Oh and another bona fide classic
Spacehunter - Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. It blew the crap out of Mad Max 3.
(Darkmoor supplying false teeth to the masses, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:26, Reply)

And half od them are black and white
2001 - because it is just awesome
Invasion of the Body Snatchers - The 1956 version not the Donald Sutherland version
Them - Like just, wow
Thing - The John Carpenter remake
(Kanman, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:23, Reply)

"This isn't where I left my car.."
Eurotrip. Surely one of the most mindless cash-ins ever, full of cliches and signifying nothing, but fucking enjoyable when you don't want to engage your mind.

It turns up all the stock frat-house devices to 11 - nudity courtesy of sex-starved men on a French nudist beach; a stoopid dope-and-anal-rogering sequence in Amsterdam; getting a lift with a psychotic trucker.. etc. The yankee portrayal of Europe is so dumb it's endearing as a pastiche, and the characters are very likeable little dudes. There's really not that much to say about it and I've gone on too much - it is as dumb as it gets while still being entertaining.
(lost, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:12, 3 replies)

I have no shame.....
I abslutely loved as a kid and still love Hawk teh Slayer. Jack Palance hamming it up as Voltan. Bernard Bresslaw as a giant. Just like L.O.T.R filmed for tuppence in the home counties. Oh God I'm gonna have to watch it again tonight.
(Darkmoor supplying false teeth to the masses, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:09, Reply)

You sure are a good looking red headed boy
Do you want a ride in my truck?

Convoy
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:03, 4 replies)

Trasnformers the Movie (original cartoon)
This film is a non stop packed to the gills aciton movie that just blows you away! Autobots and Decepticons dying everywhere There's like 10 deaths in the 1st 10 minutes), plots flying along, amazing fights.

The film is so intense that it can keep the attention of a kid with adhd who's just eaten a large bag of sugar.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:02, 1 reply)

Orlando.
A woman playing a 15th century man who turns into a woman and lives 500 years, what's not to love about that? Plus the best use of Jimmy Somerville EVER.
( pxyzyzygy, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:01, 2 replies)

The Elephant Man
I will freely admit that this is the only film that can render me a blubbering wreck.

What is it about John Hurt in heavy prosthetics, dragging his leg behind him and dribbling that can drive a grown man to tears?

Beautiful film though. Moving, and all the better for being shot in black and white. Haven't seen it for years, but it's still fresh in my mind.

*Makes mental note to track down a copy sometime*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

"Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls"
Saw this late one night and have been obsessed with it ever since
(Barry Big Fist, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:54, Reply)

the film i most wanted to be in
Spunky Birthday.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:52, Reply)

Too long a list...
In no particular order:

Ice Pirates - Space Herpies.
Trancers - Helen Hunt in crappy sci-fi.
Return of the Living Dead - hilarious. Best Zombie and Best Naked Zombie - also check out Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout.
Creepshow - first horror movie I ever saw - scared the crap out of me.
Quatermass and the Pit - alien grasshoppers and the Devil.
Conan the Barbarian - Godawful acting, script, etc. but lots of boobies. And swords.
Excalibur - more swords and boobies.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension - hilarious, full of stars before they made it, completely trippy.
Back to the Future - 'cos it's fun.
Doctor Who - the first movie (might be called Doctor Who and the Daleks, can't remember).
Zardoz - Sean Connery in a nappy can't be beaten. Also lots of boobies.
The Evil Dead - and almost any movie starring Bruce Campbell.
Army of Darkness - another Campbell flick.
Guest House Paradiso - giant ball of sick.
Goldmember - hilarious. Sharks with frikkin' lasers.
Forbidden Planet - Robby the Robot.
Lifeforce - alien vampires. And boobies. Based on a book called "Space Vampires" I read when a young 'un and only recently tracked down again.
O Brother Where Art Thou? - hilarious.
The Incredibles - Just really, really good Pixar stuff.
The Thing - original had an alien carrot in it, second version by John Carpenter with Kurt Russell was far, far better. Pretty much anything by John Carpenter. A rare example of the remake being better then the original.
Big Trouble in Little China - very, very funny. Immortal ghost wants to become flesh by sacrificing Kim Cattral. Another John Capenter flick with Kurt Russel.
They Live - another John Carpenter flick. Aliens stripping the planet of natural resources. They look like us - unless you're wearing sunglasses! A classic starring an ex-wrestler (a hallmark of all good movies).
Escape from New York - another Carpenter flick, also starring Kurt Russel.
Prince of Darkness - the Devil's son is a big, green swirly thing. Another John Carpenter.
Brainstorm - starring the coolest man in the world.
Bladerunner, Fifth Element, Superman II, yada yada yada.

Can you guess how old I am? The clue is the word "boobies".
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:48, 2 replies)

Bladerunner
First Laser-Disc I watched at home on a widescreen TV with a full surround system (back when laserdiscs were the things to have for techy heads)

No need to go into details, but the scene where yer man says "time to die" I looked over and my then girlfriend was in tears. and she HATES sci-fi.
( TBL I posted this on, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:45, Reply)

Selective cut and paste follows
Well I like them anyway:-
Dead mans shoes,
Almost Famous,
Angels with Dirty Faces,
Batoru rowaiaru,
Braveheart,
Chasing Amy,
Clerks,
A Clockwork Orange,
Close Encounters of the Third Kind,
Dogma,
Enter the Dragon,
Fahrenheit 451,
Ferris Bueller's Day Off,
Gladiator,
The Godfather,
Hauru no ugoku shiro,
Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush,
Hotaru no haka,
Kaze no tani no Naushika,
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 & 2,
Kurenai no buta,
Léon,
Life of Brian,
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,
Majo no takkyûbin,
Mimi wo sumaseba,
Mononoke-hime,
Planet of the Apes,
Pulp Fiction,
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi,
Snatch,
Tenkû no shiro Rapyuta,
The Time Machine,
Them,
Tonari no Totoro,
Trainspotting,
Triplettes de Belleville,
The Usual Suspects,
Walk the Line,
The Wicker Man.
(celticmick_7, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:43, 4 replies)

My favourite film...
Must be the one where I'm slapping my knob against the side of my girlfriend's face.
(Whizzer, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:41, 1 reply)

Fearing for my life
When I was about ten, my great aunt told me a story that has stayed with me for all these years.

My great aunt was a superstitious soul, a deeply religious lady. But she wasn't gullible - she was one of those people who just knows when she was right about something.

I had reached the age where I had realised my own mortality. I was scared. I didn't want to die because I enjoyed life, and could not (and still don't) understand how I would go about not existing.

She put things into perspective; she made me realise that death forces you to live. It keeps the Earth fresh. She also told me some of her beliefs, one of which really stuck with me.

"When it is your time to go, Azrael, the angel of death, will appear before you. He may knock at your door, appear at your window, even appear in the film you are watching. But he will always announce himself with the following phrase;"

She lent foward. With an intense and focused look on her visage she whispered the angel's words. They sunk straight to my heart and I have never forgotten them. She continued;

"He will appear as a well dressed man. He may be amongst other people and he usually appears near water, as water cleanses the Earth. He will be a young man, happy, and from him you will hear the phrase I have told you"

--------------------------------Cut fowards 15 years--------------------------------

I was working as a projectionist in a small independent cinema in Arizona.

I worked the night shift; sleeping during the days, smoking and eating junk food during the dead hours.

During the day we showed some great independent cinema. Slacker movies, foreign films, cult stuff and even some pretty high brow pretencious stuff that people in Swiss Cottage like.

During the night, we would screen TV programmes. Documentaries, comedies, dramas. It was a small town, and in those days most people in the town didn't own a television.

One particular night, the night manager decided to screen some comedy. It was an odd choice, considering the weather that evening. It was pouring with rain, the thunder grumbling angrily at the innocent town.

It was one of those American sitcoms. From the look of the film case, all the characters looked vacantly, inexplicably happy - no sign of the dry, ironic humour I enjoyed so much from British comedies.

I put the film in the projector and flicked the switch. I laid back, lit up a joint, and started to watch.

The first thing I saw was a group of young folks, dancing around in the water. Immediately I saw a young man, and a young blonde. Presumably they were going out. They were all well dressed, the man especially - he seemed very happy.

The theme tune started up. It was an uplifting set of chords, which started to relax me.

But suddenly, I tensed up. The chorus of the song had started. The words. That phrase that my aunt had told me all those years ago - repeated over and over again! It was screaming at me through the thunder and rain! That awful phrase!




"I'll be there for you"
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:40, 3 replies)

Another from the 80's.....
We rented it out on video for my 8th birthday party i think - what a day!

BMX BANDITS!

Afterwards we went tearing up the street on our Rayleigh Burners!!! GO GOOSE!
(TheManofScience, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:36, 2 replies)

Bad Boy Bubby
If you haven't seen it, you're missing one of the funniest fucked up films ever made, if you have seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about.

It contains a superlative monologue, set in a power station, which goes thus :-

You see, no one's going to help you Bubby, because there isn't anybody out there to do it. No one. We're all just complicated arrangements of atoms and subatomic particles - we don't live. But our atoms do move about in such a way as to give us identity and consciousness. We don't die; our atoms just rearrange themselves. There is no God. There can be no God; it's ridiculous to think in terms of a superior being. An inferior being, maybe, because we, we who don't even exist, we arrange our lives with more order and harmony than God ever arranged the earth. We measure; we plot; we create wonderful new things. We are the architects of our own existence. What a lunatic concept to bow down before a God who slaughters millions of innocent children, slowly and agonizingly starves them to death, beats them, tortures them, rejects them. What folly to even think that we should not insult such a God, damn him, think him out of existence. It is our duty to think God out of existence. It is our duty to insult him. Fuck you, God! Strike me down if you dare, you tyrant, you non-existent fraud! It is the duty of all human beings to think God out of existence. Then we have a future. Because then - and only then - do we take full responsibility for who we are. And that's what you must do, Bubby: think God out of existence; take responsibility for who you are.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:36, 3 replies)

Lone road-racer freedom fighter..
"It's not a question of when he will stop, but who will stop him.."

I'm talking about Vanishing Point, a beautifully-shot, exquisitely-soundtracked mentalist road movie in which a man attempts to drive a '71 dodge challenger from Chicago to San Francisco in 24 hours, spurred on by truckstop uppers, a psychic connection with a blind soul DJ, and a devil-may-care attitude born of a jaded outlook as explained by flashbacks to a damaged former life.

Most of the film is just an ongoing car chase, but it never gets boring, thanks to the many themes explored by the film, such as racism, hippydom, loss of love, religion.. there's a lot there. Counteracting the heaviness is the wild adrenaline rush of watching the iconic Kowalski outrun and outwit everyone in effortless style, turning what would seem like a pointless act of bravado into a break for freedom that is almost spiritual; and all to a glorious funk/soul soundtrack. The end is very emotional, with DJ Supersoul beaten up by rednecks and Kowalski driving straight into a roadblock with a grim expression - he has accepted that death is the only option now.

You can watch much of it on youtube, but I recommend getting the DVD, just not the substandard remake please, which everyone seems to know instead of the original.

Trailer: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q71M88B12WA

Edit: it's Denver to San Fran and the timeline is a little more than 24 hours, plus the "psychic connection" bit is ambiguous and implicit - a clever plot device that may or may not exist.
(lost, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Final Fantasy?
“Would you like to spice things up a little?”

She trailed a scarlet red nail down my chest and expanded my brain and my cock in ways that only young women from the Home Counties can. I
gently sucked at her hardening pink nipple and she told me of her plans for a new art project.

I was Jarvis Cocker and she wanted to sleep with common people, people like me. I suggested we make it in a supermarket but she refused – only home-knitted, organically hand-reared MSG for her.

“I want you to make my fantasy come true” she said as she slid her slender leg over my body.

As she knelt astride me she went on, “Guess the film.”

She arched her back and her wet supporting actress devoured my throbbing hot leading man.

”Even Cowgirls Get the Blues?”

She shook her head as she bucked and reared against me, “Guess again”

My mind began to race with fantasies, of all the best films ever – my head was full of Channel 4’s ‘100 Best Films of All Time’ and as each z-list pundit appeared so my own Oscar seemed to be losing the plot.


“Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal. We can carry on later. Some other time. It happens to all men at some time you know. It’s okay. We can just cuddle.”

It had become a brief encounter.

She stood in front of the rear window the fading light fell across her naked form and I wondered if this was to be the last mimsy I would ever see.

“Don’t look now, but I think the police are turning up next door.”

“Is that it?” I demanded, “An Officer and a Gentleman?

Do you want me to wear a uniform, march into your office, sweep you off your feet and take you out to the toilets where I’ll sit you on the edge of the sinks, slide your skirt over your thighs, roughly push your lacy panties aside-“


“No. Not that one.”


“Does it involve other people?”

In my mind I saw her dressed in a long gown, her black hair held back by a single hairband, her red lips parted slightly and her pale skin luminous in moonlight as distant singing came through the forest where she stood. And then a group of men would appear, workmen, hard and sweaty from the day’s toils. Seven of them, each taking their turn to hammer into her as she writhes in ecstasy beneath and all the while another man, a taller man stands in the shadows with his horse – each engorged with their desire for the mewing nymph.


“No. Just one man actually.”


“Is it something more…depraved? Blue Velvet maybe? I’ve a friend who works in a hospital – I can borrow an oxygen mask, and maybe he’d hide in the wardrobe for us.”


“No. Doesn’t do anything for me.”


“Okay, something more traditional. What about Spartacus? Or Gladiator? I could wear a pair of leather thong sandals, hold a sword and you could tie me up with leather thongs and whip me with leather thongs until I beg to remain your slave.”


“No. I prefer something more…..modern.”


She began to get dressed. Silk was her favourite fabric and the wash of it against my skin always gave me wood…. silk wood, always the best type.


“One of my favourites is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. That scene where Katherine Ross has to undress while Robert Redford points a gun at her. The room is half-lit and he sits in a rocking chair. She wears a chemise like your wearing now, the ribbons are slowly untied and her milky breasts are revealed. She strips to her stockings, lays back on the bed and slips her fingers into her mouth then her dripping pussy while he is fully dressed. Then he unzips-“


“No he doesn’t. You’ve imagined that last part. And that’s not the film.”


She’s nearly fully dressed by now and I’m sporting a stunt man who needs to plunge into something dark, wet and hot.


“One last guess and then I’m telling you which one.”


My brain goes into overdrive. I have a vision of her as a singing nun being fucked on a hillside while I’m dressed as a Nazi, playing the banjo and taking her up the wrong ‘un, using religious dildos and throwing pea soup around the room, or maybe being more romantic and telling her I don’t give a damn while I fart under the curtains, rosebuds flit through my mind, mashed potato mountains, and even petals.

She can see I’ve given up – all that concerns me now is whether she’ll eat my hot dog before the main feature.

“The film is The Music Box. Ring me when you think you’re up to it.”


And with that she swept out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I had no idea what she was talking about but thoughts of Camberwick Green and Mrs Honeyman crossed my cerebral stage.


Then I realised what it was she wanted of me.

I had expected debauchery and perversion the like of which neither Meg Ryan nor Marlon Brando had ever seen but what did she want?



She wanted me to move her fucking piano.
(Stiff Richard, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 12:26, 1 reply)