Terry Hall.
closely followed by Neville Staple.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 16:58, 1 reply)

In my formative years
I watched Maggie Thatcher fuck the working class up the arse
(davidcompression, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 16:20, 2 replies)

Lindsay XXXXX's minge at age 8 (me) she was about 10, a case of you show me yours I'll show you mine. Still one of my better memories.
(Pota Toes, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 15:08, 13 replies)

Carry On films
At the height of my adolescence I considered them rubbish. Now I consider them masterpieces.

I'm also beginning to look like Sid James.
(roysin, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 14:18, 9 replies)

Eurotrash.
First discovered it when I first had a godawful little TV monitor in my room aged about 11/12, sound on mute as my parents didn't want me watching it past a certain time (which if anything only served to make it more surreal; all the garish colours, nudity and Antoine De Caune's bemused face coming together to confuse the hell out of me).

Floppy willies and comedy-sized funbags ahoy (Lolo Ferrari RIP) I don't think I've ever actually seen a full episode with the sound on to this day - although I think that would shatter the illusion of one of the oddest television programmes I have ever seen.
(Roonerspism, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 12:38, 7 replies)

Not the first I saw, but the first time I was seen
My brother had got from some dubious magazine, a pack of playing cards where all were picture cards - of nice young naked ladies in various positions yawning away at me. So as an 11 year old I thought these would be great to show my mates at school.

My brother would not let me borrow them and as he was a big lad, six years older than me, the only way to get them was to wait until he went to work early in the morning. I would be home from school before he got back, so I thought this way I could have a short term loan of them.

Of course whilst showing them to the first kid, one of the Art teachers appeared from nowhere and shouted, "No Playing cards at school" and promptly gathered them up quickly without really looking at them. "Collect them from me at home time this afternoon" he said whilst walking away.

So I had the choice - go and ask a teacher for my porn back or get a kicking from my brother. I chose the teacher - mostly because he didn't know me and therefore I was hoping to be a soon-to-be forgotten misdemeanour. Also my brother was far scarier.

At 4pm I knocked on the staff room door. When he eventually came to the door I politely asked for my cards back. "Oh yes", he said with a poker face, "They were not exactly the sort of thing you should be having are they. Come back at the end of the week."

I guessed the cards were being passed around the staff for the next few days and then considered that if I went and asked again for them to be returned, there was no guarantee I would get them but other members of staff who did know me would realise I was the culprit. So I let them be and took my chances with my brother.

Luckily he never did say anything about his missing cards but for a long time afterwards, whenever I heard laughing in the staff room at school I wondered what exactly they might be doing.
(Norfolk Enchants, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 23:19, Reply)

De first rude ting I saw was a yout' who teif a car on de high street, he tink he mafia but he nuh get ten yard befuh he stall it an' run like a rass clot.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 23:15, 8 replies)

Her relaxed attitude to punctuality bugs the fuck out of me.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 22:23, 6 replies)

He's not the Messiah...
I'm pretty sure the first rude (as in nekkid) thing I ever saw was Sue Jones-Davies' muff in the film so funny that it was banned in Norway.
( mister.f is now married, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 21:55, Reply)

i saw a labour politician once
it was all very rude
he was a complete cunt
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 21:54, Reply)

My mums tits .
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 20:58, 5 replies)

Dodgy Amstrad Porn
When I was in primary school my Mum worked in an office for a company that sold stuff to other offices. They had a few of those MS-DOS based computers from before the age of colour monitors, and after school I would usually go to Mum's office to spin on the spinny chairs until she finished work. When a computer was free, I was allowed to play one of a number of games that were saved on the D drive.

One day, a new game had appeared, intriguingly titled 'BLOWJOB'. Curiously I opened the file, and a very realistic (for the time) 'film' started to play. One of my Mum's colleagues looked over my shoulder and screamed at me to shut it down, but not before I had seen the full horror unfold in glorious green and black.

Nothing was ever mentioned afterwards, but I never saw the spotty young IT guy around the office again.
(Brandy Bolland, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 20:24, Reply)

When I was about 7 and my older neighbour showed me this...

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 20:17, 11 replies)

A slightly better one
When I was young, we used to go to Butlins on holiday. I was in the swimming pool one day, and so were many other young people, including one attractive young lady, probably a bit older than me. 14 or 15 maybe. Old enough to have developed a bit anyway.

There was a rope across the pool segregating the safe shallow end from the deeper bits, and this girl somehow managed to bob up to the surface right beside it, and as she fell back down into the water the rope caught on the underside of her bikini top and pulled it up.

Bare tits!

Instant erection.

The only problem was that Butlins' swimming pools had glass windows under the surface so you could walk by outside and look at the swimmers. Including this young laddie with a protrusion in his trunks. I had to try to bend double and wade to the corner of the shallow end, where I could sit down until it subsided. Which took some time.

I soon forgot about it though, when my sister managed to slice a big chunk out of my thumb when she shut a locker door on it.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:43, 1 reply)

Primary seven, age 11 or so.
This isn't a pleasant story, but I can still remember it clearly. We were becoming sexually curious and the in thing was 'debreeking', a Scottish term for forcibly removing someone's trousers, and indeed the M&S Y-fronts beneath.

I managed to avoid the indignity of having my still-little-boy willy exposed to my peers, but others in the class were less fortunate. Then the debreekers (I hasten to add I was not one of them, merely an observer) started on the girls.

Which is where I saw my first fanny. Well, kind of.

One girl was grabbed and an attempt made to pull down her white towelling pants for the titillation of the boys. She was having none of it though and made a valiant attempt to retain her undergarments on her person. Rather too valiant as it happens, as she pulled them up so tightly, they rode right up the crack in her minge, revealing to all the thick dark hairs which had, presumably, recently appeared in this location.

Looking back on it, I'm now somewhat disturbed that my first sight of a girl's bits was as a result of what was effectively sexual assault on a minor, but we didn't think of it like that at the time.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:34, 10 replies)

Eveready Harton
Not actually the first, except in the sense of being the oldest.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:26, 2 replies)

Swimming pool
Primary school swimming trip. One mother there to help prevent drowning. Strangely, she was also allowed in boys' changing room to help her son get dried/changed (no idea why).

She was wearing a white towelling dressing gown. The belt was securely fastened and from her PoV must have seemed to be keeping the gown shut. The belt didn't really have much of an effect on the bottom half of her dressing gown, however, and her enormous, hairy muff was all too obviously out and pretty much at eye level of everyone sitting down.

It was too horrible to even be funny.
(Sallow Stoat had a fall on, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:19, 13 replies)

Once upon a time,
while only a haberboy, a fellow pupil managed the feat of writing rude words in an entirely non-rude way. Truly, he was a genius. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present now for your edification the pinnacle of his achievement, namely "phuque".

But I'm not sure his diligent research into old 60's student demo photos kept him completely out of trouble, though.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 17:38, 2 replies)

One that the mother cracks out for new girlfriends...
A short one really. My father was a particularly aggressive driver, and my mother used to be able to keep him, or rather his language, calm during journeys when they were both in the car. However, after one drive when I was around two (I don't remember this, just to be clear), my father clearly let loose a string of obscenities, as later on when at home, I was playing with my cars like an innocent cherub and saying "vrrrrroommmmm..... arsehole.... vrrrrrrooooooommm... arsehole". My father's continued laughter at this made me realise that this word was funny, much to my mother's chagrin.
(plasmaman, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 17:26, Reply)

Rude statues
My parents had a book of not-that-great cartoons all on the theme of statues - and they nearly all had willies! Even though they were just drawings they seemed very rude (some of them had pubic hair! Imagine! Mum and Dad must have wondered why I kept looking at it. Or maybe they didn't.

My granny lived in St Peter's Square in Hammersmith at the time, and in the middle of the public park bit there was (still is as far as I know) an anatomically correct statue of a Greek athlete. I never wasted the opportunity for a sneaky peek as I went past. A bit lame, eh? Well, I was only about ten....

But the best willy in statuary I know of was installed in 1963 at Coventry Cathedral, when I was 15. You have to stand on a certain step and look at Epstein's 'St Michael and the Devil' The Devil is extremely well endowed. For a while the appendage was absent - (stolen? removed by self appointed upholders of public 'decency'? I have no idea) but it's there now. Makes me smile to see groups of schoolgirls standing on that step, giggling and pointing cameras, just as we used to (but without the cameras) Plus ca change.....
(grumpy old ratbag, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 17:19, 2 replies)

When I about 11
I found a well-thumbed jazzmag in my Dad's bedside drawer called "Black & Gold". It featured big black men with big black willies putting them into blonde-haired girls. I wanked meself daft every day for about 6 months afterwards.
Ah, happy, innocent days.
(Leemondus, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 17:08, 4 replies)

repost.

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:44, 6 replies)

I am serious, and don't call me......
We didn't have a VCR until ages after everyone else at school (1990 I believe) Even then it was one of those old Ferguson jobs that took two men with a wheelbarrow to install, and the volume of the mechanism was akin to a freight train crashing into a tin roof.

So, I was ten years old when we got this contraption, and we soon gathered a collection of crackly videotapes. The usual stuff in those days, The Neverending Story, Labyrinth etc etc, while mums Scotch videos would consist of The Darling Buds of May, Corrie etc with the usual "DO NOT TOUCH" scrawled on in biro.

However one day I noticed a videotape in a plain wallet, hidden behind a photo atop the highest shelf in the lounge, and when I asked mum what the videotape was doing up there, she gave the usual cryptic parent response of "minding its own business" before hurriedly moving the conversation on.

Big mistake.

Instantly my sole aim in life was to find out what was on this mysterious videotape. A film or an ITV drama with explicit bits surely - after all my parents were pretty prudish and awkward when it came to such things (my sex education outside school was pretty much having a 70s NHS pamphlet hurled at me when I was dying in bed with flu). I finally seized my opportunity when they had to nip out for a few minutes leaving me alone. After nearly breaking my neck standing on tiptoe atop a dragged-from-the-kitchen bar stool, I finally got a grip on the edge of the tape and sent it crashing into the fireplace. My shaking hands wrestled the tape into the machine and, with wide-eyed anticipation I sat down to watch what would be surely an erotic masterpiece.

What was on the tape?

Shirley Valentine

A film as titillating as a wet weekend in Grimsby. The only eyebrow raising scene was perhaps a 3 second glimpse of Pauline Collin's flappy tits as she dives naked from a boat.

:o/
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 12 Aug 2011, 16:19, 7 replies)

When I was Five
Two houses down lived a young Debbie Curtis - I would go around to visit, with the equally young Bronwyn from the end of the street, and when it was time for us to have a pee, we wouldn't bother to use the outhouse, just pull down our pants and tinkle away in front of the others. I was curious as to why the girls had a slit, instead of a willy like I did - they couldn't aim their stream at all.
(Maclir, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 15:55, 2 replies)

Not the first thing...
...but it's the height of rudeness to delete your threads when there's a lot of conversation happening.


( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 15:50, 28 replies)

Not the first rude thing I saw, but...
I was responsible for showing an entire class of 9 and 10 year olds the wonders of the internet. It was a complete mistake, honest. I was student teaching in a class and we were working on a newsletter while their teacher was out of the classroom. We needed a picture of said teacher, so I suggested they just google her name. Surely something might come up.

How was I supposed to know there was a rather risque model by the same name? Fortunately, there was nothing too innocence-shattering, just a bunch of swimsuit photos and naked pictures where she covered all the important bits, but the class quickly filled with awed gasps and giggles as I ran around, trying to close the windows.

I did a similar thing several years later, when working with an over-protected autistic kid who probably wasn't even allowed to use a computer on his own. This time it was some rather lewd paintings of Greek mythological figures. Now, it's just art and nothing to be ashamed of, but I still felt my face go beet-red as he started screaming, "THEY'RE NAKED! THEY'RE NAKED ON THE COMPUTER!" Someday, I'll learn that telling kids, "Just google it" isn't the wisest instruction.
(Tarana, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 15:17, 3 replies)