Street preachers
Why? If they want to preach the word of their God, perhaps they could do it a little more quietly and not do it whilst I'm trying to enjoy a quiet cinnamon frappemochalatte?

On a more serious note though- they couldn't be more offputting for a religion doing what they're doing. Perhaps they should get into a soup kitchen and do something properly worthwhile and helping people for a change? Maybe demonstrating some of the more worthwhile tenets of their religion?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 15:14, 10 replies)

The ones that get me are the people that objected
when they decided to innoculate all 11/12 year girls against human papilloma virus, arguing that their little princess should not even be thought of in the same sentence as the words sexually transmitted disease.

What do you want??? Western medicine has developed some pretty good stuff over the decades, eliminating small pox, almost wiping out polio etc. and here's another true advance that could cut cervical cancer in future decades hugely. But because some (almost certainly) right-wing religious nut-jobs have their heads buried so far into the ground their hair's being shrivelled by geothermal forces that they are prepared for their daughters to develop cancer.

Nice going.

And don't get me started on the Pope. Or Mitt Romney.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 14:46, 3 replies)

The Specter of Gasoline At $5 a Gallon

See Slashdot story with same title.

Those f-ing softies think "gas" is dear when it reaches $5/US gallon. Here it is already $8.44 per US Gallon, and has been for months.

Please, please, America, just get over yourselves, you precious little snowflakes.
(GreyWolf lives outside LHC blast radius, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 14:33, 17 replies)

I still won't be happy

...until they've created a biodome over the country to control the weather. That and underfloor heating of course.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 14:04, 3 replies)

Facebook pseudo-whining, aka bragging
Those statuses that go "Really struggling to cope with the 30 degree temperature difference back here in cold grey England after 3 weeks in the Maldives sadface sadface sadface"

Yes, our hearts bleed for you, how awful. Someone please call Oxfam and make sure an aid kit containing blankets, powdered milk, rice and the March issue of Country Life magazine is airdropped to you urgently.
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 14:02, 2 replies)

BA travel
On a BA flight once I noticed that my boarding pass said "world traveller VIP".

I thought "play it cool, Browser, and you might just get away with it".

So I asked the flight attendant to please direct me to the world traveller VIP section, and she was kind enough to tell me that it meant "economy" and I was already standing in it.

Edit: and so I was immediately filled with sheer single-minded self-pity.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:39, 9 replies)

I have only been able to afford one spoonful of caviar on my toast this morning.
(colinjamesporter, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:34, Reply)

Foolish Fucking Stormtroopers
FFS those WERE the droids you were looking for.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:24, Reply)

Complaints about the NHS
I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service. I have recently left to return to being a clinician on lower pay for reasons that I trust will become clear as my rant develops and matures like a filled colostomy bag left out in the afternoon sun.

There are a few problems with the NHS. One of these is media driven perception. Hospitals are portrayed as disease-ridden hellholes scarcely better than the black hole of Calcutta (meh, to be fair, I have been to Chase Farm before) filled with nurses so busy they cannot stop to fart, let alone do any patient care, incompetent doctors and avaricious managers. All of which would be solved by putting matron back on the ward, and generally warping back to the 1950's.

One of the ones that always boils my piss is the "oh lets stop wasting money on all these managers and mint some lovely fresh nurses." Hospital management is what allows the lovely nurses to be paid on time, get uniform, not have to spend 10 hours of a 12 hour shift doing paperwork, work in a safe environment and generally do their job. There seems to be a (media-led) public perception that if someone doesn't actually lay hands on a patient to make them better, then they are about as much use as David Rathband's etch-a-sketch.

This, unfortunately, brings me to the main throbbing artery of my rant-beast.

Complaints.

One of my main managerial roles was investigating complaints and incidents received from the general public. On my original job description, this was supposed to take "around 3-5 hours per week". Most weeks I did about 20. Complaints fall into the following three areas:

Genuine complaints about clinical issues: 1-2%
Complaints made in good faith but generally due to a lack of understanding: 3-5%
Money-grabbing vexatious wankers: 90%

The first two categories were the easiest to deal with. Generally for the first category, an investigation would occur and the staff involved may have to go for some retraining. In rare cases (about 5-10% of that figure) disciplinary action or a report to the staff member's regulatory body had to be made. The complainants were normally very polite and sorry to bring problems to my attention.
The second category was usually dealt with by a letter saying something along the lines of "thank you for your concern. Having spoken to the ambulance crew, the reason you were taken to Big City General Hospital rather than Lovelytown District is that it last had an accident and emergency department around the time of Glasnost."

The final category was the epitome of soul-destroying. Any letter entitled "For the attention of the claims department" generally fell into this category. In addition any use of the phrase "I think this is disgusting" or "and I want to know what you're going to do about it" also makes sure that it falls into my bollocks-drawer (a figurative drawer - not an actual drawer filled with testicles).

BUT

Every. Single. One. of these complaints had to be investigated. Fully. Sometimes, staff had to be suspended whilst these were being carried out. I had to put their actions under intense scrutiny, trying to balance what is the gold standard of patient care together with the actual facts of the case. Usually when I sent my standard "Dear Sir, fuck off and die" letter to close the case, a week later I would get a reply saying "but I think I've been badly treated and deserve money."

People of the UK: Man the FUCK UP. You have a healthcare system that is free at the point of access, is at the forefront of clinical care in many areas, and 99.9% of the time fixes you up and gets you back to where you should be. Live with it.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:23, 57 replies)

Spoilt Bitch Hates Yorkshire
1989, I'm working in Sheffield at Megabank's data centre, on contract from an IT supplier. I'm sitting in the team's work and break room, when the news comes in that the M1 is closed, and has been closed for hours. Female colleague, gorgeous but a Spoilt Bitch Class III, goes into f-word rant about how she hates the f-ing North, how f-ing useless and incompetent Northern cops are for not getting the f-ing motorway open again immediately, and now it's going to take her an extra hour to get out of the f-ing ugly worthless North and back to London.

Then we discover that a 737 has come down onto the M1 while trying to get into East Midlands, there's 47 dead, and several hundred yards of the M1 is covered in a mixture of aircraft parts and body parts.

It has always been a source of regret that I was not able to see her face when she understood what a cow she had been.

Silly bitch didn't even understand that Yorkshire is wonderful.
(GreyWolf lives outside LHC blast radius, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:21, 5 replies)

I used to work in a Retail Sales team in back-office support
Which meant that the account managers got company cars, and I didn't. They were also all on the senior management grade (albeit the lower levels of it) while I was stuck on the highest staff grade.

Weekly sales meetings would begin with a 30 minute whinge from them about how much tax they were having to pay on their use of their company car on their recent weekend mini-break to the Highlands, Provence (and so on). These were people who would be out on the road perhaps two or three days per week, while I was out and about maybe 1 or two days. Their car was less a necessary tool to meet their job description than a perk of their pay grade.

I found their grumbling especially annoying around the times of my Road Tax, MoT or Insurance renewals dates, which of course they never had to pay for themselves.

Doesn't happen so much these days, because company cars have almost disappeared completely. For every outside the boardroom, anyway - I bet board meeting up and down the country all start with a communal whingefest about how much the Beamer/Merc/Aston costs them in tax, while the PA who's there to take the minutes fumes because they have to fund their own vee-hickle.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:15, Reply)

Periods.
FFS Americans.

They're "full stops".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 13:14, 3 replies)

Periods
FFS women they don't hurt that much.

At least you don't have to taste them every month.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:50, 5 replies)

A gay bloke at uni
We'll call him Steve. That wasn't his real name and I don't really know why I'm bothering with an alias, because his name is entirely irrelevant to this story and you probably wouldn't even have noticed if I hadn't used a name at all.

I don't know if he was a one-off or there are other people like it but he seemed to have trouble deciding whether he was pissed off at people treating him differently because he was gay or pissed off at people accepting his sexuality as if it was no more important than anyone else's.

I know it must be a hard thing to come out to your parents but he seemed annoyed at how difficult it had been to do so and also annoyed at how they seemed entirely unphased by him being gay.

I assume he was partly angry at being persecuted by idiots he didn't care about but also disappointed at missing out on some potential melodramatics that he'd worked himself up for if he got persecuted by his family and friends.

Either way ,"Wah! My dad doesn't care that I'm gay!" seems a slightly self-indulgent thing to complain about.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:43, 8 replies)

Because porn is so accessible and easy to find, masturbation doesn’t last as long and I miss the thrill of the hunt.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:36, 6 replies)

Not whining, but definitely a first-world interpretation
Returning to work after becoming a father for the first time, a colleague asked the usual question, "So, how do you feel now you're a parent?"

I replied that the hardest thing to get used to was the knowledge that, no matter how hard you try to protect your offspring, something bad could still happen to them. You just had to live with that fear.

She thought for a moment, then said "Yes, I suppose it's like having a white carpet, isn't it?"

Probably best if she waited a while before having her own, I reckon.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:33, 5 replies)

It's all a matter of expectations, isn't it?
I heard a comedian years ago talking about this. For instance, you're in a metal contraption weighing hundreds of tons, FLYING at hundreds of miles an hour, making a journey in hours that would have taken days not too many years ago; and you're complaining that your food isn't very nice.

YouTube video took nearly a minute to load? Never mind that it's a filesize that a few years ago would have taken weeks, today it was nearly a minute, godammit!

Etc etc

Yeah, this is a non-post. That's a First World Problem for you to complain about ;)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:22, 3 replies)

Vasectomy
FFS men, it doesn't hurt all that much.

P.S. Can we stop this bandwagon now, please?
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:13, 2 replies)

Me again
But the other week, I was travelling home to York from London on the Quiet Coach and one guy kept using his phone! The carriage was almost empty anyway, and I suppose I could have moved, or even told him to FUCK RIGHT OFF, but I much preferred to sit with my iPod on and 'tsk' heavily, roll my eyes and shake my head with a 'what kind of behaviour is THAT' type way, each time he made another call.

Yes the trains provide quiet coaches, but why even bother when they're not prepared to police them adequately and deal summarily with offenders?? I mean...someone ought to DO SOMETHING.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:12, 2 replies)

Posh Depressed People
who can't bear the idea of having depression (it's just sooooo council estate, my dears) and so have to swoon about having ME instead.

I will now prepare for the onslaught of long rambling replies from ME fans explaining that it's not depression, that they know better than medical science what causes it and that they have no energy to do anything except write angry replies about ME, demand more funding for ME, join and run ME organisation, write more angry replies about ME and so on.

So, anyone tempted to write a long and furious reply. If you have the energy to do it, I've cured you. That will be 250gn, please.
(ubergeekian, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 12:04, 14 replies)

My Porsche is too old to be new, and not old enough to be classic.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:59, 3 replies)

A couple of years ago the was a beardy Muslim in the town centre reading from the Koran. My mum ‘complained’ to a passing policeman that she was concerned that this could be some sort of crime or something.
She then refused to go back to the town centre for a month in case there was a jihady hit squad waiting for her. Because let’s face it, Kabul has got nothing on the mean streets of down-town Welwyn Garden City.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:47, 5 replies)

Since I started me new job there’s an extra couple of grand left in current account every month.

It’s starting to get stupid, I’m sure I should be doing something with it, but it’s just one more stress that can’t be arsed to deal with.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:45, 3 replies)

Perspective?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17183171

Apologies for no funnies, but a report about illegal immigrants that are deperate to go home.

Sad (sorry, should this be on the links board?)
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:28, 1 reply)

Oh noes, our religious rights are being stripped away because we can't discriminate against the gays any more

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:22, 2 replies)

Tough schools
Visiting a mate and his wife years ago, we were talking about mean/cruel/psychotic school teachers.

We were swapping yarns about our raggedy arse comprehensives which slightly excluded my mate's wife who went to a fee paying girls school.

After listening for hours she chipped in with "We had a Head Teacher who was such a cow, one Harvest Festival she made us bring our pony's saddles to school and...." the rest of the story was lost as we howled with laughter at how posh the school actually was. If anyone had a pony at our school it would have been eaten.
(Barnetboy, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:22, Reply)

bum sex
FFS women it doesn't hurt that much.

Bit of butter to lubricate matters and off you go.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:02, 3 replies)

I learned a few basic commands in filipino so I could communicate with our maid, and it turns out she’s Malaysian.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 11:01, 2 replies)

People who moan about waiting in
Airports

A&E
(ScousersPet, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:57, 6 replies)

Brace yourself for a story of unparalleled suffering
According to my (mad) sister's version of events, our childhood was one of unmatched misery and deprivation. Her best complaint to my mother? "You always cooked dinner so we never got to have take-aways." Damn you, nutritious, home-cooked food.
(Innogen, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 10:54, 3 replies)