Dog Food
Dogs. They're an environmental disaster area.

Here we are facing the doom of Global Warming (Oh no! Oh no! Turn that light off! You'll kill us all!), constantly being told that we have to count our carbon emissions and make everything clean and green, but nobody seems to mention these nasty little rats that spend their time scarfing down "prime meaty chunks" of some big brand, high status dog food. To hell with the fact that your smelly arse-licking mutt will get through enough of this stuff in a year to create equivalent carbon emissions to that big, fat, wave your wad out the window, fuck off out of my way Audi Q7 cuntmobile that's sitting in the drive.

If the little bastards are quite happy eating prime cuts of hog anus, then that's what you feed them. There are enough bits of animal that get chucked out that we don't want so feed them that instead of giving them the good stuff. Forget Caesar, think Tesco Value cow brain and testicles flavour. But no, can't possibly have that. The owner's got to pamper their rotten pavement fowling pooch, got to give them the best because the pet food industry has conned them into believing that only the best will do because, hey, Fido's a member of the family too.

If all of these politicians and so-call environmentalists were serious about saving the planet, they'd be out culling dogs instead of badgers.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 20:47, 24 replies)

This might just be me...
There is one thing in the entire world that makes my skin crawl. Every time it happens I'm torn between retching involuntarily and punching someone in the face (voluntarily). I need to know if I'm alone.

It's people who I don't know touching me when they're talking to me. You know what I mean. What they think is a reassuring touch on the hand or a friendly pat on the arm. It is VILE. I recoil in horror every time some stranger that I have chosen to converse with does it. In fact, it extends to anyone I don't know touching me. I won't get on a bus or a train in case someone sits next to me and there's arm to arm contact. It sends shudders down my spine. Strangers should be kept at a generous arm's length at all times. Some bloke leant over me in a shop queue once to pick something up from the shelf in front of me and I nearly had a fit.

Am I weird?
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 19:25, 42 replies)

they don't sell straw baskets with quilted lining separately
so I can't present all my stolen hotel bathroom miniature potion/lotion bottles as a 'gift basket' to someone at Christmas.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 18:36, 2 replies)

Paedo priests
How come the Africans haven't caught up with that trend yet?

Looks like the Church of England is trying to muscle in on the Pope's kiddy fiddling turf as well now.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 17:31, 8 replies)

overheard at the airport
kid 1: 'no, mum, we can't sit here, we've got to sit over there, these seats are for burger king'
mum: 'WE ARE SITTING HERE! YOU HEAR ME?!?!!11!!?'

kid 2: 'But what if they ask us to move?'

mum: (spittle flying, red in the face) WE ARE SITTING HERE BECAUSE *pause for breath, volume increase of about 40%, face set to 'withering glare* THERE ARE NO CLEAN TABLES TO EAT AT OVER THERE!'

kid 1: 'but it's only a couple of empty cups'

mum: (now upright and shaking with rage) 'I REFUSE TO SIT IN FILTH!! I DON't SEE WHY *I* SHOULD GET SOME FILTHY DISEASE BEACUSE *THESE PEOPLE* CAN'T CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES! IT's OUTRAGEOUS!! i'm going to write a letter of complaint!!(finger jabbing on table) YOU SEE IF I DON'T!! *glowers at oblivious burger staff*

the kid was not exaggerating. literally, two empty cups on an otherwise clean bench.. Amazing. walk five mins from the airport, there's peasant women that look like sunburnt potatoes with limbs, struggling along the roadside with a bunch of sticks on their back as big as they are, and you're apoplectic with rage over an empty drinks cup?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 17:03, 23 replies)

trains
People who moan about their commute every day on overcrowded public transport. Well at least they dont have to climb on to the roof to find a space....thats proper overcrowding. And also they are usally just from the south east anyway and so are classed as tossers by the rest of the country as well.Not a rant honest
(alithebastard, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 16:47, 16 replies)

I don't like how some of these posts
have been thought / discussion provoking. I don't want that from this so-called 'funny' website.

It also means that this bland piece of shit that I am currently writing stands no chance of winning the QOTW. That also makes me sad.

If anybody needs me I'll be in my WAAAHmbulance.
(King Nightmare, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 16:32, 3 replies)

In reference to my own sig -
Chuggers. I'm all for charity, but does anyone else have to run the gauntlet I do every single sodding day down Mare street?

Bet they don't have 'em in Ethiopia.
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 16:13, 2 replies)

War
War is a distinctly first world problem. How so you may ask? Well, it's the first world that supplies the weaponry to the third world. It's the first world that colonised the 3rd world and riled the natives and set them off in the first place. For goodness sakes it's almost 300 years later and most of Africa is still arguing over where their country ends and the next one starts. All the while doing so with weapons sold by the first world.

And it would be doing the western civilised world a great disservice to say that they actually want peace. Because they don't. War is big business. It serves the economies of most the worlds super powers very nicely. The justification in all cases being that if we don't sell that under developed 3rd world country with millions of starving Africans weapons then someone else will. So lets just leave our morals at the door and ship tons of ammo and guns over there and forget about the consequences. Good job everyone.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 15:17, 28 replies)

I need help
I just hate it when I can never find a cocktail stick to eat my packet of Quavers. This isn't even a joke.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 15:04, 14 replies)

Having to scroll further down the page to see the interesting answers because of all the drivel posted above them.
I hate people who whinge about that.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 14:36, 2 replies)

overcooked pasta in restaurants

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 14:34, Reply)

undercooked pasta in restaurants

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 14:33, 4 replies)

Something about something on tv.
All I'm hearing at the moment is some blurb about a woman who puts coffee up her bum.
What sort of fussy ass does she have?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 14:20, 24 replies)

When your shoe lace snaps, and you haven't got a spare,
And you don't wanna go anywhere in your boots because they're covered in mud.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 13:57, 8 replies)

When I was in hospital last week
I was given a booklet with information about the ward I was on and a form to sign to do with my possessions. I went through it and corrected all the spelling and grammatical errors.

I think I have a problem.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 13:40, 5 replies)

The amount of passive-aggression on the QOTW board this week is sickening.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:46, 19 replies)

People want me to take responsibility for my kids!
Pah! What right have they to demand such?! Children are people too! They should be free to express themselves, and people should welcome that they are doing so. Otherwise they will grow up miserable, and frankly, if it helps one child to be happy, it will have been worth it - I think we all agree that a happy child is a beautiful child!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:44, 4 replies)

Fat people who moan about it
"Wah! I have too much food and never have to exert myself! Woe is me!
(ScousersPet, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:37, Reply)

I've had the Go Compare song in my head all morning.
Heeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeee!
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:34, 5 replies)

Cold toilet seats.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:25, 9 replies)

I am a first world problem!
At least I was to the fat lass I sat next to on the train last night, with her arse hanging half over my seat. I know this, because I saw her text her friend "Great, now I've got some nob jockey sitting next to me pushing me off the end of the seats'. I refrained from pointing out that if she maybe threw away the 'Grab Bag' of Wotsits I could see sticking out of her handbag that she might have a chance of not being so squeezed out of a seat that a normal size person can (just about) sit in. I did enjoy the look on her face when she stood up to get off and I politely informed her that 'nob' is actually spelt with a silent 'k' though.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:10, 2 replies)

I left my ketchup out of the fridge overnight
And forgot to shake it...just squirted that tiny bit of runny red watery ketchup juice all over my chunky, "beer batter" chips. Bastard lunch - no, DAY - ruined.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 12:01, 5 replies)

Comic Sans
Really? You've joined an online campaign to stop people using Comic Sans? Perhaps you'd like Amnesty International to get involved, to help stamp out this unconscionable cruelty to your eyes.

Personally, I quite like it. I specified it on a page today AND I'M GLAD I TELL YOU, GLAD! AHAHAHAHAHAHA
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 11:10, 12 replies)

and when I opened my eyes...

There was a cup of tea on the bedside table.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 6 Mar 2012, 11:06, 2 replies)

A popular website
asked it's users for "stories of sheer single-minded self-pity get[s their collective] goat". What they actually got was a load of whingeing.
It is quite possibly the worst thing ever.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:47, 6 replies)

The Simpsons isn't quite as good as it used to be.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 10:14, 9 replies)

The Star Wars prequels forced me to kill myself.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Have you seen what Michael Bay did to Transformers?
Have you? He might as well have just raped my childhood!
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 9:50, 17 replies)