hides head in shame
Whilst talking to an acqauintance, who had just told me he was training to be a paramedic, I scoffed and joked "Paramedic? more like paraplegic". I was greeted by shocked silence and when I turned round I saw the reason why. One of his friends was sitting behind me in his wheelchair, the victim of a skiing accident, paralysed from the waist down. He was almost crying. I was most ashamed of myself ridiculing spackers.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:52, Reply)

Burger King kind of social gaffe thing
I was once in Burger King, at the back of the queue trying to work out what I wanted from the menu. Unfortunately I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see too well.

Luckily I knew the eye-focusing trick of squinting, putting your fingers into the corners of your eyes and pulling them outwards (Try it, it works).

I was standing in this pose reading the menu completely oblivious to the Chinese family walking towards me after having purchased their meals. They assumed I was some twat taking the piss, but I got away with a dirty look.

The shame.
( izb posting occasional messages since 2001, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:46, Reply)

ive got a couple
1. Got taken to a party full of rich americans in late 2001 by a friend who promptly left me on my own not really knowing anyone. So I found the one guy I did know (but only very vaguely), who was looking at photos on the shelves, and asked what he was up to. "I'm looking to see if there's any hot girls who might be coming to the party" he said, so I decided to join in.
The first picture I picked up had a load of people in it, and although there were no lookers, I did find a remarkable moose. I showed the picture to the guy and said something like "ha ha check out this minger, and look at the freak stood next to her".
After a short pause he informed me that the moose was in fact one of his oldest friends who had died in the twin towers, and the freak was her recently bereaved brother. Excellent.

2. A friend and I had an admittedly very unfunny response to any mum related quips, which was to say "That's not funny, my mum's dead".
The trick with these little jokes is to save them for people you know they're not going to offend, as I found out when we pulled our little routine in front of a new friend, who of course turned out to be an orphan.

Sorry for another mum-related one, there seem to be quite a few already.
(piecrustjohnson, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:44, Reply)

narrow escape
as a confused squirt on the school bus, I was once asked, in the spirit of childist victim lust, whether I was a virgin. Obviously I was-as I'm sure the rest of the bus was too. I was only wee. It was a wee bus. Only way you can reply to such a dangerously grown up question is by out-duding your opponents with stuff that makes them look stupid. My mind drifted back to the delphic temple in 'Carry on Caesar'tm which had two entrances, one labelled 'virgins' for all the beautiful priestesses that sid james burp-grunted after (I wasn't one of them!) the other labelled 'eunuchs'. Was this the deft quip that would stun the grunts into silence, shamed at their own ignorance that men virgins were called eunuchs? all eyes on the back seats boring into me I mumbled 'ah shurup fat legs' and threw a cheesy quaver at them.
Didn't know I saved myself through lack of dramatic instinct. Could have precipitated a life of victimisation and addiction, blue cans and glue. Sounds quite good actually. Beter than typing smarm to hollow people.
(deep whimsy, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:34, Reply)

Jeremy Beadle hand, and tramps and pizzas.
1. I was out for a few drinks with a friend, and was introduced to his twin brother who, i noticed, had a "Jeremy Beadle" hand. After a few rounds it was this guys turn to get the drinks in. There were four of us, so when he asked me what i wanted to drink I said "i'll come with you and give you A HAND at the bar..." followed by awkward glances as i realized my faux pas.

2. After a night out drinking with some friends we had decided to get some pizzas for the walk home. On the way we passed a homeless person. I couldn't eat my last few slices of pizza, so thought that the homeless guy might appreciate a free meal. Offering him the pizza he seemed pleased, and asked what was on it. "it's ham and pineapple" i said. "Oh, i dont like pineapple" he said, to which, in my slightly tactless and drunken state replied "well, beggars cant be choosers!"
(Xander, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:31, Reply)

urban myth but totally relevant
Have you heard about the story where a class in school are having a sex ed class and the teacher explains how semen is actually about 40% sugar or something, one girl says 'well how come it tastes so salty then?'

i hear she turned red and ran out the room.

*dons cap looks for coat*
( fridge_magnet, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Work:
I used to work for a very big American company who were complete bastards to their staff, (as so many of them are). On this occasion rumours were flying around about one of the staff (who was on holiday) saying that he had been sacked. Obviously he wasn't around so nobody really knew if it was true.

Anyway, Monday morning, there's little old me walking down the corridor and I came face to face with the guy who had just returned from his holiday. And of course, what did little old me say? "Hi, good to see that you weren't sacked after all."

At which point he was obviously confused, but before he could say anything to me, an office manager and a security guard walked up and asked him to go into an office with them.

I never saw him again, mind you, this was because when they escorted him out of the building two minutes later, I was hiding in the toilets out of sheer embarrassment!

Eeek!
(SproutsAreEvil, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Faux Pas
I once answered the phone to someone who sounded very like one of my friends trying to disguise his voice.

He asked for my mother. So I said "P*** off, Mike, I know it's you, you've been rumbled!" Except.... it wasn't. It really was the co-ordinator of the Lay Preachers society for that county, ringing for my mothers list of churches she was preaching for.

I pretended we had a crossed line and hung up. A few minutes later he rang back. I let my mother answer it....
(Snitter the Rat, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Your Momma
When a student, a friend's mum looked quite a bit younger than she actually was. So, naturally, he used to take a lot of stick, especially after a few beers.

Roll forwards twelve years.

I'm talking to my mate on the phone, whilst his family are in the background having just returned from the pub. I ask him what all the laughter is: "Oh, that's just the wife telling my mum what you used to say that you wanted to do to her".

Ouch.
(Steve The Monkey, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:17, Reply)

Children

A colleague tells me that she thinks her husband might be badmouthing her to her kids behind her back.

At least, she thinks that's why her son came to her recently and said "Mummy, did you know that Daddy thinks you're fucking useless?".

Her husband denies all knowledge.
(Steve The Monkey, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:12, Reply)

One of many....
My wife and her friend were buying some jewellery from a local craft centre, and the lady serving them was attempting to show them a small pair of earrings, but seemed to be having difficulty picking them up, and kept dropping them.
"What are you like?" joked my wife, "Have you got dropsy today?"
To which the lady replied "Er, no.....Multiple Sclerosis......"
In a vain and forlorn attempt to lighten the resulting silence, my wife's friend chipped in (with the best of intentions....) "Oooh, you don't LOOK disabled....."
(Desolation Angel, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:02, Reply)

Raspberry Ripple
Oh my godfathers - this is so embarrassing. Where do I start?

Look, I'll confess. I was in the civil service, looking after sixty million pounds worth of beef for the Department of Agriculture. It involved sitting in an office adding up endless columns of numbers written in brown ink on blue paper. Brown on blue, those were the rules, and God forbid that you used another colour. The boredom was crushing. We had to do something.

We were joined one day by Penny, a very, very niced middle-aged woman who tirelessly campaigned for childrens' charities, all dinner parties and choral evenings. Bored out of our skulls, and our consciences pricked, we enthusiastically offered to join her. All of us. At once.

She encouraged us to collect money in a series of sponsored events, which had the impressive side effect of thrusting myself and the lovely Mrs Duck together, and I'm pretty proud to say that we raised the best part of two and a half thousand of your English pounds, all in loose change. The top people at Action Research were seriously impressed with our efforts and said they were going to send someone up to collect the money, which was sitting in a wheelbarrow in the corner of our office.

They also suggested "Why not get a local celebrity and the local press involved? Good publicity for everybody and you'll look oh-so-good in front of your friends and family." They even sent up one of those oversized cheques to hand over in a blaze of glory.

The Reading Evening Post turned up, as did some goon from the Department's internal newsletter, who would put us on page 16 after fifteen pages of Stalin-esque praise of the His Holiness the Chief Executive. On the celebrity front we got the captain of Reading Football Club, who turned up in a most impressive pink and black Top Man jumper.

Poor, sweet Penny, she didn't stand a chance.

You see, she was of a certain age with a certain innocent humour; while we were of that certain other age that takes the piss all the time. We were collecting for the innocently named Action Research for the Crippled Child charity (now, in this PC age where we're not allowed to mention these things, called Action! Medical Research in the same way that The Spastics Society is now called Scope). We callow youths, being the sick bastards that we were called the whole money-making thing "The Raspberry Club". Cockney rhyming slang. Raspberry ripple - cripple. If it was good enough for Ian Dury...

Someone told Penny. She didn't get it.

"So, does your club have a name?" asked Ms Evening Post.

"Nnnnng...." said my boss, knowing exactly what was coming next, but powerless to stop it.

"Fvvvvvvvvvv...!" I said, making a break for the door, but held back by sheer weight of numbers.

"Why yes! We're the Raspberry club" said poor innocent Penny.

"Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft," we all say trying gamely to hold in the shock, despair and laughter.

Mr Reading FC captain was not so tactful.

"Mua haha haaaaaaaaaaaRgh! Raspberry Ripple!!!"

You could still hear him laughing as he left, ten floors below.

"What?" asked Penny, "Did I make a joke?"

It made page six of the Evening Post, picture, full write-up, the works; and the letters page for several weeks afterwards.

_______________________________

I also met a rather *coff* attractive former work colleague at Paddington Station as couple of years after she went off and got a new job.

"When's the baby due?" I asked pointing to the rather obvious bulge.

"I'm not pregnant," she replied.

AAAAARGH! How was I to know it was pie retention?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:37, Reply)

this one isn't me
a friend (lets call him S) is in a car with other people, its been quite a tiresome journey and S has not shut up for the entire time.
"Look," he cries as part of one rant "a graveyard, cool!"

"Both my grandparents are buried there" says a morose and pissed off driver

silence desends
"best place for it" mutters S
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:34, Reply)

Quaker Memorial
Just remembered another one - although technically I wasn't the culprit this time.

A distant relative died a couple of years ago. He was a quaker, and we went to his memorial service. Quakers have a rather different way of sending off their brethren, which involves about 70 people sitting around in a circular seating arrangement, 3 rows deep (everyone facing each other). At one point in the service, everyone sits in complete silence for one hour (ONE HOUR!), during which anyone (sometimes people who hardly even knew him) occasionally stand up and say whatever they want.

Anyway - everything went well for me, Mrs 8-Ball and my brother, until about 45 mins into the silent bit, when one of the old people next to us fell asleep and started snoring. This gave us a fit of the surpressed giggles. Then - when, in his dormant state, the man let an enormous one rip, my brother finally broke down into uncontrollable laughter, with tears streaming down his face. I managed to keep it together by biting halfway through my bottom lip.

No one really spoke to us much at the coffee and tea bit afterwards.
(8-Ball, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:24, Reply)

Foot in Mouth Syndrome
asking a kid at school why he hadnt been at school for 3 weeks.... I said 'Have you got Aids or something??' he replied 'No my dad died of cancer'
I promptly shrunk to the size of a smurf and ran out underneath the classroom door
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:10, Reply)

An insensitive prick? Me? I did try not to laugh!
Early in the New Year we were having a discussion at work, about Christmas and the accompanying gluttony within hearing range of the tubby office cake magnet, who we'll call M. One of my colleagues turned to me and said "Well M had a big tin of biscuits she said she'd bring in... although she's probably munched them all by now!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and in the end had to settle for a sort of middle ground compromise- a loud snorting noise as I choked on my tea, which only served to underline the previous blunder.
(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:07, Reply)

eek.
back in the day, when still at school, some of my mates had been on a skiing trip (the ones that cost about £800 and therefore i had no chance in hell of attending). About two days after their return i was walking with a mate and bumped into a girl who had been. 'hey ****, you've got some mud on your face', i shouted at her. my mistake, as unbeknownst to me, she'd had a terrible accident, was covered in brown scabs, and was indeed scarred for life. the friend i was walking with gave me a hefty kicking, and i felt terrible for a long long time.
(andy hunter only responds to a series of clicks and whistles, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:06, Reply)

I was at AWOL at the Paradise Club in Angel
several years ago, and I standing in the chill out area with my mate. We noticed the one of the DJs sitting across the other side of the room with a girl sitting on his lap flicking her hair about. My friend asked, "is that his girlfriend?" I replied, "I dunno, but she looks like a rough pig." The girl standing next to me said, "That's my mate you're talking about." "Oh well, never mind." I replied and walked off. 5 minutes later I was surrounded by Rough Pig and a gang of all her mates around me. She shouted at me "You called me a rough pig." I tried not to laugh at her anger otherwise I'd get my head kicked in. I said I was talking about someone else and she said "no you weren't I was sitting on his lap." With swift thinking I said, "Look, if I offended you then I apologise." Unbelievably it worked and she flicked her hair at me and walked off without even so much as a slap, which is lucky because I was so off my face one slap and I would have been on the floor. Phew!
(Nacho, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:06, Reply)

A long time ago
1) I called a teacher at school "dad" by mistake.



I'm still waiting for the ground to swallow me up.

2) Some bloke I was at school with had an unfortunate birthmark that looked like a large brown mess on his knee. This chap was quite sensitive about this and everything else you could possibly think of, so naturally he was a bit fragile. One day after games, evrybody was going through the showers to clean themselves up, and a pervy PE teacher was hanging around, to make sure that veryone had cleaned up properly. When the bloke with the birthmark came out, the teacher saw his birthmark and screamed "What the fuck are you playing at *****?! Get back in the fucking showers, and wipe that fucking shit off your knee, you dirty little bastard!" No-one was that embarassed, but it was quite funny and we didn't really like him very much.
(chewbakayoko, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:50, Reply)

Beat This ...
7 years ago, I was having Christmas dinner round at the house of some close family friends, and there were a couple of extra guests who I'd never met before.

Anyway I cracked the Alzheimer's joke:
Doctor : I'm sorry to have to tell you, you have Cancer *and* Alzheimer's
Patient : Thank god for that - at least I haven't got cancer.

Well - I though it was funny at the time. Anyway - the table went very quiet. I looked around and noticed that the gentleman at the end of the table had a hospital tag round his wrist. It turned out that he was an old friend of the host, who had terminal cancer, and was out of hospital for his 'last' Christmas dinner.

A not particularly funny moment, which still makes me want to drop dead on the spot, even now.

Well - you did ask.
(8-Ball, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:41, Reply)

This one will haunt me for years...
Quite recently a mate whose Mum had died a while back came into the pub. We hadn't seen each other for a while, so we had a good old chin wag and a couple of pints. After a while we began making plans for what to do after the pub, when bold as brass, he said to me in a very loud voice "So have you got any weed? Why don't you come back to mine and we'll have a big smoke?" I replied, that while I thought this was an excellent idea, due to our proximity to the bar it ought to be a case of "Mum's the word eh?" He just looked at me for a moment, to ensure the full meaning of my words had time to sink in before saying "Not round my house it's not!" and then pissed himself laughing. I felt terrible!
(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:40, Reply)

The craic is mighty!
A friend of mine recently returned/was deported from America, where due to a few unforseen turns in his life, he had managed to get married, have a kid (see previous) and develop a rather serious crack cocaine addiction.

Things didn't get much better when he got home. Turned away by his family he lived on the streets for a while and battled the horrendous withdrawal symtoms.

When I eventually met up with him the first words to come out of my mouth were - "How's it going, any craic?"

Oh dear.
(Smell eep!, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:38, Reply)

Jap's Eye
During conversation (in Japan) with a fellow Brit and some local engineers I inadvertently used said phrase.

"What is meaning of Jap's Eye?" asked one of the Japanese present.

Um....shuffle shuffle.... well just how could I even begin to explain?
(lord nose, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:30, Reply)

Bereavement-related party faux pas
I was in the sixth form. I had got to know a nice chap in the year below me whose father (a GP in his mid-40s at most) had tragically been killed in a cycling accident. It had been front page news, that sort of thing. Cut to a few months later and we're both at a party. It's about 11pm and a couple of sets of parents are starting to appear at the door to drive their offspring home. When the latest chap turns up, I turn to my friend and say,

"Is that your Dad?"

No it wasn't.
( drdavej, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

Ouch
when i was just oooh 11 or 12, i was about to go out swimming with my best mate, and one of his mates, we sat in the car ready to get going and we got around to a conversation of parents ages, after me and my mate trading the ages of our parents i moved on to his mate, but for some reason he wouldn't tell me his mothers age, i persisted, while ignoring my mate telling me to leave it alone, after about 5 minutes of this, i was pulled out the car by my mate to be informed that his mother was dead

fucksocks
(Camp David, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:20, Reply)

crap director
Used to work at a software company doing their website. We sponsored a big marketing event one year, and as part of the marketing team, I got to go along to the gala awards ceremony, where I was sat next to the Director of Marketing. She was quite an imposing lady, and we got along quite well, but we had some differences at work, so, emboldened by at least two bottles of wine, I turned to her and said, "Cath, you are a CRAP director", then promtly turned away again.

In the morning I hobbled towards work, and the horror of what I had said the night before struck me about half way to the office.

I went straight up to the director, thinking that honesty was the best policy in this instance, and said, "Cath, I'm sorry I called you a crap director"

She looked at me aghast, and I suddenly realised that she had been even more wasted than me and hadn't remembered a thing..
Boy was I in trouble...
( expf, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:19, Reply)

Text Blunder
I'm suprised there arent loads of these.
At uni, i lived with 2 girls and one of them was a pain in the arse to be honest. Anyway, it was the end of Easter i think and my nice housemate sends me a txt saying "Do you know when (annoying hosemate) is back, i hope its not till next week"
The only problem was she didnt send the txt to me, she sent it to the annoying housemate!!!!
The annoying housemate asked me about it when she got back - i denied all knowledge :-)
(angel8216, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Not as bad as they could be, but nonetheless:
1. I joined a conversation halfway through at work and heard my friend say "i always used to get my e's and k's mixed up". I said "you must have been a dumbass at school". She said "no, I'm dyslexic".

2. Again at work, I told someone that when I have kids and they're being naughty, I'm going to tell them they were adopted. "I was adopted"

3. I know there's another one, but i can't remember,,,
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Ignoring the time I asked for Ultra Magnus and Galvatron for Christmas
and announced, just before opening the presents, that I didn't want Ultra Magnus after all 'cos he was rubbish (only to discover it was indeed Ultra Magnus),

and ignoring the time I did a "momma" joke on a mate's girlfriend, whose mother had recently died after a long battle with cancer,

there was the thing the night before last when I told my missus that "no, no matter how much I love you there's no way I can possibly commit to moving halfway round the world to a country where I can neither speak nor read the language - it's just not going to work and we'd end up hating each other," and thus brought my very happy three and a half year relationship to a close.

I pretty much wanted the ground to swallow me up after that one. Hence current username...
( TV's Nosemonkey, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:02, Reply)