First Post!

In my first year of sixth form I knew a man who could get litre bottles of vodka for a fiver each. So I bought a crate of it. Every Thursday and Friday I’d borrow a bike
to pick the vodka up at lunch time, take it into school for the afternoon, and sell it to the kids as soon as they got out of school.

I only managed to sell 24 litres before I got caught and almost thrown out. My dad went ballistic but I think he was secretly impressed with my business sense.

Shortly after I got caught I looked the name of the vodka up on google and found out it wasn’t even real vodka (the labels looked like they were made in Microsoft Paint).
It was actually counterfeit vodka which was made in a warehouse in Manchester and could make people go blind. So it's a good job I got caught before I blinded any 15
year old girls.

www.manchester.gov.uk/site/scripts/news_article.php?newsID=200

That's the stuff.
(daveywavey123, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 23:15, Reply)

My local Chinese takeaway...

The sainted 'Eastern Star'...have closed for a week.

They are so rich that apparently they can afford to shut the whole cocking place down and piss off on holiday!

And why / how can they do this?

Because me and my fat ass have systematically paid for their happy trip with my insatiable greed and addiction to their delicious lovliness in tupperware containers.

Enjoy it while you can, you holidayng fuckers...I'll be waiting when you get back.

*rubs tummy*

...

In the meantime, can anybody recommend a good Chinese Takeaway that delivers in the Coventry area and serves sublime manna from heaven in a convenient tub?

The moral of this story is...you can get very rich...very quickly....all you have to do is be expertly skilled in cooking delicious Chinese takeout...and live near me.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 22:04, 3 replies)

Yes indeedy...

I wish to make the announcement that as of noon today I officially own all copyrights of usage to the word 'Fuck'...

Now each and every one of you owe me big time...

Mwuuuuhaaahaaahaaahaaaaaa!

Edit: After re-reading this post, I now owe myself a few quid.

fucksocks.

fucking hell, I did it again.

fuck
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 21:57, 5 replies)

Don't Drink and Drive
Too late to make any sort of a mark, but the two lessons I have learned in life....

1. Don't Drink
Actually, give up your vices, whatever they are. They'll cost you money in the short run and long, and really aren't worth it. I spend out £2k + each year on wine, and I wish I could stop.

2. Don't Drive
It's becoming more obvious nowadays, but think about how much you spend on petrol... is it really worth it? How often do you drive out of habit rather than need? Try walking, or cycling instead.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 21:14, 2 replies)

There is but one thing I can think of to say on this subject.
Never, ever risk more than you can afford to lose. Because no matter how good it sounds, there's always going to be risk involved, and a good chance you'll never see your money again.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 20:59, 1 reply)

Women..
Marry some bloke, divorce him for no readily apparent reason, and fuck off with the proceeds of the house that he's worked his fucking arse off for.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 18:51, 8 replies)

Become an MP
Get elected in as your local MP. Get your wife/kids/dog/budgerigar/hamster all on your payroll. Claim 8 times as much for everything. Commute once a month to Westminster in your chauffeur driven Maybach and make sure that you get publicized for taking the train (which in reality is still more expensive in Standard, let alone first class).

Length? No longer then your average lie from any MP.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:28, 1 reply)

New PCs for (normally) as little as £30
This is easy. Everyone has access to a well and truly ancient PC. Open it up, bend a pin on the CPU or switch it to 110V if you're in Europe, and enjoy a little firework display. Do NOT break it by throwing it out a window/down some stairs. Make sure it does absolutely nothing when you turn it on. Call our friend Churchill (or whoever) and make a claim on the house insurance. You'll have to pay the excess (normally £30-£50) and you might end up with a voucher for Pissy World, but you'll still end up with a new PC.

I get old ones all the time, and sell them on by doing this for people. I even do a conveyance for them, stating what's wrong. The insurance company doesn't even investigate. The customers love me.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:20, 8 replies)

There he goes again
There was a man, in times of yore,
who walked with burley gait,
His fashioned arms,
swang too and fro,
A stride clans would debate.

His mighty march, would fill the sails,
of all who saw him canter,
his tongue was quick,
to fill the air,
with mirth, folley and banter.

He wandered forth, unto the hills,
in naught but socks and cheer,
the wenches he happened upon,
would grin from ear to ear.

His beard was stout, his eyes were true,
barrel chested, honest stock,
for many reasons none could mock,
you'd hear a titter "what a cock!"

It's girth matched only by it's size,
its merry eye would hypnotise,
the hoards the thing could mesmorise!
it slapped and chaffed upon his thighs.

His name by chance was Brian Blessed,
his terrible groin was a mass of writhing bore worm,


oh, "get RICH quick!" i thought you said "worrying poems about brian blessed".
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:43, Reply)

A stay of execution!
Just had a phone call from the beautiful-but-unknowingly-broke Mrs Downhill telling me that she's going to be late home tonight...where are we up to with the get rich quick ideas, boys and girls??

*sweats uncontrollably*

Oh..and thanks HSBC, for nothing.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 16:07, 9 replies)

Make money from the crushingly inevitable
1) Buy the rights to Rhianna's 'Take a Bow'.
2) Charge the producers of X Factor £10 every time they use the maudlin piece of cack as incidental music for the auditionees' sob-stories in the forthcoming series.
3) Sit back and watch the money roll in as an endless procession of Somerfield cashiers blub through the tragic tale of their mother/gran/dog's recent death (plus the bit about how their dying wish was for their daughter/granddaughter/owner to enter a crappy talent show), before caterwauling their way through 'My Heart Will Go On' and pretending to look tearful as Simon Cowell drags out the line "I'm...... going.... to.... have... to........... say..................Yes."
4) Profit!
(costas, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:54, 1 reply)

As TV taught me everything I know....
1) Collect underpants
2) ????
3) Profit!
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:30, 11 replies)

It's easy
1. Convince millions of people that odds of about 13,000,000-1 are worth a £1 punt every week.
2. Get the backing of the government by bribing them with a split of the profits and giving a bit to charity.
3. Have the national broadcaster set aside a prime time slot every week to advertise for you.
4. Profit!

"It could be you"...but probability suggests that it almost certainly won't.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:08, 17 replies)

I have a cunning scheme.
Follow Scaryduck around wherever he goes, especially when he goes into pub toilets.

Then, just after he leaves, check the urinals for money. Don your favourite type of disposable gloves and fish out said cash. Repeat ad infinitum.

You are now rich.

www.b3ta.com/questions/experiments/post208104
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 14:05, 2 replies)

A Mate of mine and I
were at school together. The school had put on one of its annual talent shows.

As budding entrepreneurs, we decided we could make a fast buck out of this event.

A mic and minidisk recorder was set up just in front of the stage where by our fellow pupils would sing, dance and play instruments.

As per usual the event was a sell-out of proud parents wanting to see their children perform.

We recorded the show over 2 nights, allowing for people to mess it up on one of them and took names and addresses and a payment of £10 per CD at the back of the hall as parents were leaving.

A couple of hours messing in Adobe Audition (or whatever it was called back then, I cant remember the name - Cooledit I think) and we had a 21 track CD ready to be burnt.

All in all the discs, cases, printing of covers and postage cost us about £3.50 per disc.

We must have had at least 100 orders for each of these CDs.

So £6.50 profit x 100 = £650 quid!

How did the school let us do this? We promised them a 10% cut, what wasn't stated was it was a 10% cut of the profits, not the gross.

Almost 300 quid each isn't bad for a few hours making CDs!
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 13:15, Reply)

A few years ago...
My great aunt died at the ripe old age of 98 - she'd lived through two world wars and a lot of change, but throughout had lived a fairly basic existence; poor, but happy with her lot.

When she died, she didn't leave much behind. The house was falling down, in a demoralised, boarded-up village, miles from anywhere and most of the land was contaminated from the local chemical factory. In short, the house was worth fuck all.

She had a penchant for collecting little knick-knacks - Charles and Diana thimbles, Maggie Thatcher commemoration plates, moth-eaten fur shawls, fungus-encrusted brooches... you get the idea.

I hauled the lot home, and unable to face the amount of dirt and the smell of all these items, left them in the back of the garage for about 5 years.

One day, I decided I should at least sort through it - I knew there was nothing of finanical value, but there might be some old family history in there worth keeping for sentimental reasons. As I rummaged through it, I found a plastic bag full of mouldy old purses. Absolutely fucking disgusting, it was. I was just about to lob the lot into the bin when a little voice in my head just said "I know it's foul, but just check 'em will you Johab? You never know."

I opened the first purse - stuffed with fivers.
I opened the next purse - stuffed with twenties.
The next - stuffed with tenners.

I'd hit the fucking jackpot.

Some fevered note-flattening and straightening later, I counted just short of 3 grand.

Made my day, I can tell you.

The funny thing was, I went round for a week spending some loose notes from this wodge before I got to the bank to pay it in, only to be told it wasn't legal tender any more - luckily the banks will exchange it, but I really shouldn't have gone round spending it. Oops.

PS The Maggie Thatcher plate is also still around. What a bizarre piece that is.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 13:10, 6 replies)

women
All you have to do to get rich from women is is feast upon their sense of inferiority, of poor body image, of disease susceptibility, of unattractiveness etc... Just look at the articles and ads in any woman's mag:

- Why he thinks you're fat.
- 10 ways to make him love you
- Eye cancer - you've probably got it.
- Greasy hair and spots? - buy this cream
- He lies to you because you deserve it
- Why you look older than you are
- This cream cures plague and cancer overnight
- Are you fat? Only if you use the wrong cream

But men's mags are pure fantasy:

- Your cock is huge
- Why women love fat drunks like you
- Keeley: I don't need foreplay
- Beer cures cancer and makes you intelligent
- Women are pathetic - take advantage!
- You need this gadget to stay alive

Go figure
(frankspencer, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 12:43, 11 replies)

Invent an undetectable worm virus
write some code that would self replicate and hack international accounts shaving off 0.0001 pence off each one (the extra that is never rounded up when interest is calculated)and depositing it into your own

amounts too small to detect yet I'm guessing it would take about a week before your account hits 1 million

(anyone with good coding skills pm me)
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:31, 12 replies)

Slightly obscure literary one...
I and two accomplices hit on an insurance scam. We insured two ships carrying a load of sugar from Antwerp - one to London, the other to Ipswich. They were insured by the Fugger Bank.

One of these ships was "captured by Zeeland pirates" and we collected the insurance. This was in the form of a credit note, which we traded for Fugger bonds. These bond certificates were then copied - extensively - and cashed at branches of the Fugger bank all over Europe. Over three or five years, we pulled in almost half a million florins.

Result? The collapse of the Bank - thereby causing financial paralysis to both Emperor Charles V and the Holy See, and a political crisis throughout Europe.

Yours
Gert-from-the-Well.



So: anyone else read Q by Luther Blissett? There's a rumour of a film version...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:19, 6 replies)

create a religion
a. The L Ron Hubbard method
1.Travel to the east and rip off obscure buddhist texts and psychiatry papers from the 1930s that you're sure the average joe would never read
2.Invent a colourful backstory for yourself
3. publish your discoveries on your 'years of investigating the human condition' in local sci-fi journal
4. get religious status to avoid paying the IRS
5. only reveal the more outlandish aspects of your religion after a lengthy period of indoctrination (OT3 after approx 15years and a few grand) - and never in the books
6. recruit pint sized movie star to jump on Oprah's furniture
7. profit

b.The Vatican method
1. invent a religion in 325ad plagerising previous myths
2. burn, torture, murder and confiscate the wealth, property and chattel of anyone that disagrees with you and supress individual or scientific thought for approx 1,500 years
3. Post reformation get Ignatius Loyola to start the Jesuits to counter it
4. get your huge banking industry to create the fed reserve (via JP Morgan/Rothchilds etc) and work towards your central banking model whilst using the pretence that your huge geo-political organisation is a 'religion' and the numerous Jesuit college trained members of the CFR and RIFA
5.sign concordants with fascist regimes
6.kiss tarmac when you hit the airport (optional)
7. get jiggy with the altar boys (compulsory)
8. profit
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:11, 24 replies)

Tesco
This time last year, I took my very first independent trip into Tesco having moved into my own house and now unfortunately needing to feed myself three times a day for seven days a week. After revelling in the freedom for a while (and removing most of the chocolate and biscuits I could now buy as my sole sustenance from my trolley) I decided to do the sensible thing and buy some proper food, and grabbed a packet of Chicken (free range, being the conscientious bastard I am) at £5 a pop.

Go home, and decide to the check the receipt. The bastards had charged me twice! On running out of beer, I headed back, clutching my receipt, and headed to the customer service desk. No questions asked, they not only refunded the £5 for the chicken I never had, but then gave me another £5 - as is company policy. All entirely legitimate as well.

Unfortunately I'm too nice to go evil on Tesco, but a fortune (plus lots of free food) could be made if you have lots of Tescos close to you, are careful with your visiting time, and don't look like a heinous pikey.
(Merrep, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 11:03, 1 reply)

Affiliate Linkage
My website pulled in quite few bob for a while.

Basically it was an archive of eBay auctions that were in the news but were pulled by the auction site. They were usually people selling stuff that wasn't their’s such as football teams, wives and various DNA related listings. Pretty dull stuff, but it covered by the media so people wanted to see them. Tens of thousands of people a day in fact, it turned out.

Sometimes I would spot a breaking news story about an auction and manage to archive it before it was removed. Most of the time however I would simply have to search "completed listings" and the whole listing would still be sitting there on their servers.

The sneaky bit would be posting a link on eBay to my website using keywords in the heading relevant to the removed auction. People would visit "my auction" and click through to my site to "find the information".

Once on my site they could read a small bit of copy and then "click through to the listing on eBay". Naturally the click back to eBay was an affiliate link.

This paid my mortgage for a couple of years for about half an hour's work a day. Most of my readers were in The States and I ended up on quite a few US radio stations as King Nutter giving the latest from the auction scene. It became cat and mouse with eBay as they kept closing my account and I had to open new ones, but it got to the point where I would open fifty accounts all at once with a new credit card number.

Media interest in eBay faded, but then YouTube came along and started banning vids so I did exactly the same with their keywords. If you entered "Daniella Cicerelli video" (half a million hits one weekend) a short video would play saying "Visit kingnutter.com to see this vid".

Not as lucrative as there was no affiliate incentive, but still good fun. I had Google ads that paid for my server costs at least thrice over. Which may have been the problem...

The site was going really well and about a year ago I had an interview with Google for the position of UK Editor of YouTube.

They seemed very interested about my ingenuity and ability to help users find the content they wanted, so I told them how it all worked.

I soon discovered they were not that impressed. I didn't get the job, YouTube permanently disabled my account and amended their T&Cs to stop people linking to sites containing Google Ads. To be honest it wasn't about the money at this stage and I could have easily dropped the ads. Bypassing their ban by opening any number of accounts was possible too, but it's not as fun without my own username.

I'm not disheartened. I have another idea up my sleeve which will make far bigger bucks if there are any PHP / Data Modellers out there who'd like to lend a hand. And this time no big corporate will be shutting down my accounts.

There was always something fun about getting caught though...
(kingnutter, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:42, 2 replies)

Trousers jangling
This qotw just gave me an idea - I went into my wardrobe and shook my trousers, one by one. If they jangle - that can mean there is money in the pockets. In the last 3 minutes I have made over £2 with this method.

So - go door to door, and ask people if you can jangle their trousers for cash.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:37, 4 replies)

A kid in the year above me at prep school
used to sell page 3 of The Sun to the younger boarders for 50p a pop. Not a huge amount, but enough to keep him in strawberry bootlaces.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:30, 1 reply)

This actually might work.
To begin with, you need some capital. A few tens of thousands of pounds ought to do it.

Use that money to buy a field. Make sure that it's not too far away from a town - something commutable.

Get planning permission to build, say, eight houses on it.

DO NOT BULD THE HOUSES. That's someone else's job. Your job, now, is to sell the field. It now has planning permission. This has increased its value many times. (Well - OK - perhaps not at this exact stage in the economic cycle - but you get the picture.)

All you have to do now is to reinvest your capital in two more fields. And buy a Jag.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 10:12, 4 replies)

Oh, oh, I've got one!!
Not funny - but in NYC you can buy "I love NY" T shirts for about a dollar each.

On Ebay in the UK they go for about £7 to £10 each. So as they say in America, you do the math.

You can cover your flight if you buy enough of them. As I've retired from the business world now (burnt out) I can tell you that size small are the ones you want.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 9:51, 1 reply)

Become good at football
Play for a successful team.

That's it.
( Thinker, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 9:46, 1 reply)

Not so much a "Get Rich Quick"....More like a "Something For Nothing"
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=27NX_MMIkLY
(Stashie is plotting against his blender on, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 8:56, 2 replies)

Good morning dragons...
I come before you today offerring you a 90% stake in my company for £500 and a 10% royalty payment.
I have this idea, you see, where lots of people, men, women, and couples, can make friends from all over the world AND possibly have real sex with them (instead of cybersex) in the comfort of their own homes.
I have the idea, you have the computer knowledge and more importantly you don't have a wife who thinks that this would be only a little bit up from sex-trafficing. (All contact would be with every persons consent, nobody is forced into anything...)
This is a serious suggestion, I provide a system that is entirely legal where you only need 10 people to sign up to make your £500 back, there's no pyramid scheme here, and for everyone that signs up after the first ten you get over £45 for each one.
All you need is to build a website with the ability to take credit-card payments, a section where the 'members' could show the service they are offering and the 'customers' could take advantage of the offer by contacting them direct.
But YOU don't get to know what the service is just yet...

maniacal laugh....

edit: Le Penseur: Since there are sites out there offering you the chance to meet other people for love, sex, bdsm, etc I don't think my suggestion would be illegal.
Its all in the phrasing, you never promise that the person who's advertised is going to get sex, they are offering a service which doesn't involve any physical contact in the contract they and the customer make.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 8:31, 2 replies)