Messages from God
Apologies for boring.

I used to go to church. There were 2 very devoted Christians that I knew; Edward and Emma. Waving their arms, speaking in tongues, the lot.

One day Edward told Emmma that God has spoken to him, and He wanted Edward and Emma to have a relationship. To "be together". Emma said that she's had no such message.

So tell me, was God just doing it for a laugh? Or is it possible that people hear from God what they want to hear? Bearing in mind that God led our prime minister into war.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:37, 3 replies)

Hm
My very Welsh, very Welsh Chapel going, great uncle had a pet parrot whom he'd trained to say "Fuck the Pope!"
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Indoctrinating kids backfires
when they rumble you.

My siblings and I were packed off to Sunday School every week as young'uns and I deeply resented it, as I knew we were just being got out of our parents' way.

Being Methodists, I had no female saints or Virgin Mary or even bossy nuns to look to for a role model - just a load of blokes telling us what to do.

As soon as I was old enough to refuse to go I did, and have ever since had a strong aversion to organised religon. It always feels like, y'know, manipulation.

It's not any problem with Jesus Himself - He's a fine bloke. Just the organised bit of it.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:19, 3 replies)

The reaper reminded me…

Years ago I heard this chap spouting on about something or other on some chat show when he happened to make the following comment that got my attention:

He said: “Imagine nowadays if you’d never heard of religion…and I told you that somebody had made up a story 2000 years ago that caught on a bit…kind of a best seller. Then, in keeping with the technology of the time it was copied, rewritten to the nth degree, translated, translated again, then again, then again into god knows how many languages, was subject to countless interpretations of the original text and of course, basic human errors…then all these years later in these modern times there were still literally millions of people who were still prepared to let the current version of this book dictate to them about exactly how they should live their lives…

you’d think I was a bloody nutter!”

I reckon he had a point.

That chap, however, was none other than David Icke. Now he might be fucking barking about most things these days but hey, being the former goalkeeper for Coventry City will do that to a person.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:19, 4 replies)

Hare Krishna-ists
Was walking through Soho Square yesterday when about 30 of the Hare Krishna mob (who have a church of some sort nearby) struck up their usual chanting, dancing round etc. This included one bloke with a portable amplifier strapped to his back blaring “Hare, Hare,” etc x 4000. Cue 10 or so couriers who are parked up having a chat in the square joining in to take this piss. 6 or 7 drunken homeless people then saw the fun the couriers were having & also joined in. Wonder what Krishna (if he exists) made of it all?
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:17, 1 reply)

Last One

There is a God and his name is Alan Shearer.


I basque in his light.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:16, 5 replies)

Waco
My mate was in Waco with his wife and kids, lived through the whole David Koresh thing. They were trapped in there for fifty-one days.

On the last day when the ATF went in guns blazing they legged it outside and didn't stop sprinting til they got back to dear old Blighty.

When they got back I invited my mate out to the pub.

I asked him what it was like living through that nightmare and he told be he'd had a moment of ephiphany. He realised it just wasn't on to have some weird bloke bang on about being the Son of God and ask to fuck his Mrs.

He decided he wanted to leave on the morning of the seige, but being an unlucky twat got stuck in the thick of it before the taxi arrived.

"You know what I remember most of all," he says, sipping on a nice cold pint of amber nectar. "I remember going right up to David Koresh, looking him in his eye and saying...


...no sects, please - we're British."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:10, 5 replies)

And again
Following on from the post below -

Most of my family are the same as me, agnostic/atheist. With the exception of three - My Dad, my stepmum and my sister.

My Dad is the most knowledgable person on Christianity I've ever met (and probably will ever meet) due to him spending 30 years as a preacher. Is incredibly difficult to debate with, unless you want to do it for an entire evening, he'll just keep talking.

My stepmum is childish, and refuses to accept anything being wrong with christianity. Known as the "La La La I'm not listening" method of argument.

My sister likes to debate, and lives by one key christian moral - "Do to others, as you would wish for them to do unto you" (or whatever the fuck it is).

That's the side of christianity I like, I think the world should be like that, not because some some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" (thank you Kevin Smith)

People need to stop looking at christianity as the answer. The key question of Christianity should not be "Is there a God?" It should not be "How many people can I get to be Christians?"

I think the question should be "How can I live my life, to please both God, and other people?"

Too many christians fit into these categories (I know it's not my own post, but I think it's brilliant)

I was always taught through Sunday School, that christianity teaches us that we should treat people in the order of J.O.Y. (Jesus, then others, then yourself). I struggle to think of more than about 9-10 people who do this, as the rest all fit into the criteria above (mostly the Gossips)

Once again I'm rambling, shit.

OK, I'll summarise what I've been building to throughout this entire fucking essay. Being Christian doesn't make people perfect. Reality is, it makes a lot of people think they are automatically better than anyone else because some preacher gave them a spin wash. When people help others, and put other before themselves, then they can truly call themselves Christians.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 13:02, Reply)

Epiphany

My "road to Damascus", the moment I *really* started to believe in God, was on a shooting trip to Scotland.

I was in the butts waiting for the beaters to drive the birds towards and was chatting to my shooting partner - who I'd only met 5 minutes ago. It turned out he was a vicar. We chatted for a few minutes nad then the birds started to fly towards us.

I aimed and pulled the trigger:

"Missed the bastard I muttered"

The vicar looked pained.

"Please don't curse or God will strike you down" he said and then turned and downed a grouse.

I fired again and again missed.

"Shite! Missed the fucker again" I cursed.

The vicar looked at me and said:

"Please my son. Cursing incurs God's wrath and if you do it one more time then He will surely strike you down!"

"Yeah, yeah" I muttered and turned to take another shot.

I aimed, lined the bird up and pulled the trigger..

"Jesus Fucking H Christ! How the shuddering FUCK did I miss that one!!!"

Then the sky darkened, the clouds rolled in and torrential rain poured down. Out of the clouds a lone lightening bolt flashed out and struck the vicar smack in the head.

"Missed the fucker" boomed the thunder...


Cheers

Thenk you very much. I'll be under the pier all week....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:57, 1 reply)

God and Sex
My father went to heaven every Sunday morning after he had packed the bloody kids off to church. It was the only time he could get bouncy with the missus, without a heard of offspring cramping his style.

We learned about bells and smells, and looked forward to Easter when Father Danvers dolled out the cream eggs, and the week before when we had sword fights on the way home with the straw crosses that looked like rapiers. I think that was what they were for.

Anyway, back home the old man would be hoovering the stairs with a cheesy smirk on his fizzer. Obviously a result. Sometimes the old lady had a black eye instead, and we knew we had to be good for Sunday dinner, instead of the usual riot.

Being innocent and seven at the time all this seemd normal. I only found out the reason behind our weekly tie up with God when my elder brother told me a few years later, and the penny dropped.

Since then I think my relationship with the big fellah has been a bit one sided. He loves us all, and I think he is a cnut.

Still like hymns though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:53, 2 replies)

I met god
in the pub a couple of weeks ago, He'd been hitting the slammers with vengeance, then went onto the Guiness and black. The drunken old bastard then fell over on the way to the bogs, hurt his ankle, and couldn't get up for a few minutes. It was at that time he shat His pants, and made a barely conscious decision to head off for a kebab. I saw him hobbling down the street trying to keep the weight off one side whilst trying to pull His shit stained trousers away from his fetid arse.
It then that it finally occurred to me - God walks in mysterious ways
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:50, Reply)

I have a feeling this won't be my only serious post this week...
I used to attend an Alpha course, went to three altogether.

The first time I was placed into the group with the head of the church, which was composed of him, me, 3 christians, 2 agnostics (including me) and one atheist, who wanted to learn. Over the time we were there, we had brilliant discussions, often over running by up to an hour. My major problem with this set up was twofold. 1) I was the youngest by 20 years. 2) The head honcho refused several points of mine, for what I viewed as petty reasons.

So the next time I asked if I could go with the youth. I'd be the oldest bar the person running it, but they'd be closer to my age, only 2 or 3 years younger.

In there I really got to know the guy running it much better, and it helped to really open my eyes to the fact that while this was a charismatic church, they weren't all completely brainwashed.

My main problem was always to do with faith healing, due to my Mum. (see here for explanation)
The adult group's explanation was that "If you are sick and you pray, then you might be healed. If you aren't healed, it's not because you didn't pray hard enough, it's because God has a different plan"
I explained this to the youth leader, and he came out with a sentence that stuck with me for the last 2 years - "Bollucks to that, what a load of shite".

Understandably, a bit of a shock to hear this from a 'man of God'.

A few weeks later, me and him ended up going to the pub, and spent about 7 hours talking, arguing, discussing and debating through much of christianity (while emptying the bar dry). It was brilliant to not just run into a brick wall while discussing, he happily admitted that parts of the bible were outdated, and that things have been taken out of context.

Days like that have helped to shape my current viewpoint on Christians. Frankly, I'd like to be able to slip in a one of the flock, and follow a being that floats on high doing the sum total of fuck all in my every day life.

But I can't. I'm cynical, I question everything, I doubt myself, and I've never ever taken well to living under someone elses rules.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:49, Reply)

It's not God that's the problem, folks
It's us.

If you boil down the message of all the great religious teachers from Zoroaster to Buddha to Moses to Jesus to Lao Tzu to Mohammed, they are all saying basically the same thing: treat each other well and remember there's more to life than yourself. Sure there are sections of their holy books that aren't relevant any more - anyone who, believer or not, tries to reduce Christianity (my preferred flavour) to the Book of Leviticus has missed the point.

And what have we done with that core message of, hey, be nice to each other?

"My prophet is the true one. He says we should be nice to each other."

"No, my prophet is the one who possesses the secret. he says be nice to each other."

"Quick, get the thumbscrews and then purify this heretic with fire so that he realises that the only path to being nice to each other is our one."

"Brothers let us begin a holy war so that our path to being nice to each other will prevail."

And so on and so forth. No wonder Jesus wept...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:49, 6 replies)

I'll be the first
to describe myself as unreligous. Im not an athiest, I don't go round believing that God, a god or gods don't exist I just don't think about it.

That said I try to keep an open mind so when a friend invited me for a introductory session I thought I'd take a look and try to judge for myself.

It started out very informally, we all sat in rows of chairs while a bloke at the front spoke to us about how much better our life could be, then one by one people got out of their seats and lined up in front of him to recieve something to eat and drink (not being entirely comfortable with this bit i stayed in my seat).

He must have had a direct connection to somebody (or something) as shortly after everybody sat back down it started, from one woman up the front a moan of pleasure the like of which has never been heard outside of a dockside hotel the day an all female submarine crew lands after a 6 month stint under the arctic.

2 rows behind her and an elderly gentleman starts talking to somebody who blatently isnt there, eyes agog as mystical truths were revealed to him.

Then on the other side of the aisle somebody actually fell off their chair convulsing and chattering in a language i would swear was not spoken in any country on the planet, I was all set to dial 999 but my friend informed me that this was normal behaviour and they would be fine in a few minutes.

Soon it seemed that almost everybody but me was drawn up into contemplation with the infinite, smiles plastering their faces.

I took a good long look at the sign outside when I left, turns out it was a methadone church.



...sorry
(Banjax, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:46, Reply)

Sod 'em
OK, this one isn't funny, and will probably get buried in a big pile with all the other stories from other childhood churchgoers, but hey.

I went to church, sunday school et al, more or less every week from birth to the age of about 13. My mother (and grandmother) had been going to the same church for at least 30 years before I came into the world.

At 13 (for various reasons) I stopped going, my mother stopped soon after too.

Fast forward a few years and there's a car boot sale being held in the field next to the church. Being the model son that I am, I went along to give my mother a hand. It was attended by most of the church congregation, and none of them... not one... so much as said hello to me.

These are people who have known me from before I was even born, people I'd seen every week of my life until a few years previously. They probably knew me better than many people in my own family, and I was completely blanked.

Now personally (and speaking with no authority on the subject whatsoever), I don't think that's very Christian...
(mellotron never could get the hang of Thursdays, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:42, 3 replies)

Shiley...
...mods=gods
( lion-cake Bad lion-cake, bad., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:40, 1 reply)

Christenings
My wife was asked to be a Godmother, then told a couple of weeks later that she wasn't allowed, because she is Indian, and presumably therefore Godless.

Apparently it was OK though, that the woman chosen to take her place, carried out her duties in church wearing a strapless dress which exposed a massive tattoo of a grinning, winking cartoon Satan.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:39, 1 reply)

Translation...
Speaking as one from the industry, translation is a tricky business.

In this day and age, translators are selected for work based on the obvious criteria of an ability with the languages involved, and also a proven understanding of the texts subject matter.

Today, even with careful selection, all the resources made available, and with the readily available resource from the age-of-google at your fingertips, it is still possible for a translation to be completely incorrect, or just subtly inaccurate.

Translation of old texts was done in a time where ambiguity was debated, and by committee, and a meaning settled upon amongst a small group of people, and spelling was open to debate.

Some of the stories in religious texts are can be quite complex, and deal with concepts that are quite intricate in their detail and wording.

With this in mind, I find myself asking the following questions..

'How accurate were the translations of the original text?',
'How many translations of bad translations have been done?'
and...
'How many bad translation of bad translations have been done?'

These questions leave me with "How many of religions are based on nothing more profound than a typo"?

Apologies for length, and lack of the funny
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:35, Reply)

I Thought
that I'd just point out that talking to God, if you're that way inclined, is a perfectly sane thing to do.

But if he talks back to you (waves to Bush) then Schizophrenia is your new friend.

Listening to the voices in your head is rarely a good idea. And making the voices in your head American Foreign Policy is even less so.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:34, Reply)

Buddhists
Nice bunch of people on the whole. Years ago I worked as a volunteer in their Pocklington monastary. They put offerings to Buddha on his alter, which was invariably chocolate and marzipan and I'm talking piles of it, not just a few measly Wham bars and a Curly-wurly. At the end of the day all the offerings were taken off the alter and put in the tea room for everyone. Ever wonder why Buddha was fat, happy and smiling? Queue me with a plate full of ferrero rochers and mars bars sitting slumped in the garden getting diabetes.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:30, Reply)

Son of God
A hippy friend recently had quasi-famous MI5 nutcase David Shayler staying at her house.

She told me "he's very nice, but he says he's the Messiah. I'm not convinced, but I'm being polite to him just in case".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Perhaps...
This is what will happen...

www.sickanimation.com/cartoon.asp?name=thelasttwomenonearth

Possibly NSFW. You don't see anything nasty but you can hear it. My FSM you can hear it!
(The_Reaper, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:27, 2 replies)

JW's
I used to have a problem with JW's turning up at the door EVERY WEEK. Now im a polite sort of Chap and perhaps because of my constant polite refusals to listen to the word of Jehovah they thought that I was merely shy and could be brought round eventually. Not a chane mind but it did led to 3 months of weekly

"Would you like to consider Jehovah"

"Ah, Im afraid not, im rather busy dontcherknow, cheerio now"

I decided that enough was enough and asked them not to knock on my door again

Which failed.

Nxxt time I saw them walking down the street I started to arouse the snake. I opened the door absolutly stark bollock naked, with a raging hard-on, a polite smile and an inquiry as to how they were doing.

They never turned up on our street again let alone my house.

Course one of my mates actually talked to some random door to door god squaders and got them to admit that God could possibly look like a "giant space monkey" classic
(Castlefield One cannot eat raw sparklebunny, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:26, Reply)

God...forget it.
There are two kind of Christians, the ones that promote a God that loves you, but without much backing from the Bible itself...and the ones that promote a God which hates you, and is THIS close to incinerating you, and are backed by the Bible.

Not only would they struggle to convince me of God's existence, they would struggle to convince me why he should be worshipped.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:25, Reply)

Jesus saves!
But Rooney went on and scored in extra time.

/coat
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:24, 5 replies)

Every time
that someone tells me to repent, worship God, or be damned to an eternity of torment...I want to have them arrested for blackmail.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:22, Reply)

Why I don't understand christians...
There seem to be so many branches of christianity that hate humanity's ability to THINK. For example the "Answers in Genesis" museum in Kentucky bears a sign reading
"Don't think, just listen and believe"
Because human reason is the immortal enemy of God's Word. This is a museum that claims that dinosaurs lived with Adam and eve, and that animals didn't kill/eat each other until Eve ate the apple.

And then we have the Westboro Baptist Church. Lets ignore the usual "They're so evil", and go for the less often stated "Ur doin it rong!"

If you want to spread God's word, you don't do it at funerals! People will not want to listen to your message if you're telling them that God just killed their child. Why not hang around churches, or places of social interest, and try people that are in a good mood!

And why not?

Because you do not THINK!

A great quote from Mohandas Ghandi (I found it in the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster):

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians...they are so unlike your Christ"

Heh, as I'm writing this the song 'Legion of Stoopid' by Machinae Supremacy has just come on shuffle.("this is your brain, and this is your brain on Fox News!")
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:21, Reply)

Brilliant observation by Eddie Izzard
The first western language the Bible was translated into (before Latin as it wasn't accepted in the Roman Empire at this point) was Ancient Greek. Now, I don't know how many Scholars of Ancient Greek there are out there but the Ancient Greek word for 'Virgin' (as in the 'Virgin' Mary) is the same as the word 'Young Woman'.

One of the main miracles in the Bible and the cornerstone of the Roman Catholic Faith put bang to rights by a transvestite comedian.

Fantastic
(The_Reaper, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:20, 6 replies)

There may have been a God once, but not anymore
GOD IS DEAD, HE'S JUST A VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD
GOD IS DEAD, HE'S JUST A MONSTER UNDER YOUR BED
GOD IS DEAD, HE'S JUST A VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD
GOD IS DEAD, HE'S JUST A GHOST UNDER YOUR BED

Love and kisses,

Clawfinger
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 12:18, 6 replies)