you're all a bunch of twats anyway
Repost - I want to see what all the fuss was about...
(Channel9, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:39, Reply)

Oops
Back in my old school days, our sixth form commom room was a small building seperate from the main school building. We came in one day to find 2 small machines sitting on tables. They seemed to be sampling the air for some reason.

There were only of us in there and me and a mate thought that it would be a great idea to crumble a bit of this board that sat behind one of the radiators into the machines. We subsequently found out that this was going way too far.

I then went home for lunch. Half an hour later I got a panicked call from my mate. It turned out that the board behind the radiator was actually asbestos (like the ones you would put your bunsen burners on). When I got back up to school, I saw that the door to the common room building was covered in tape that said "Danger" all over it.

The machines had registered lethal levels of asbestos in the air and the building was immediately condemed.

9 months later we had a brand new building (all be it a semi permanent one).

No-one ever snitched on us but for years I was sure I was going down for it!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:33, Reply)

Che Grimsdale
Sick Humour, but I always thought that the folks on B3TA thought rape was funny.

(of course it's not true)
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:18, Reply)

aww send me twats story
I HATE missing out on something.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:17, Reply)

Guy I used to work with about 4 years back....
...split up with his ex (well she split up with him morelike). She took it quite well, but he didn't. He wanted revenge.

Late one night he got completely hammered drunk, and he decided to brake into her house (which she shared with 4 other students). She was asleep as was everyone else in the house. He stumbles into the kitchen, and turns the gas on in the oven and opens all the doors downstairs, until he arrives back into the kitchen and collapses in a crying state. Luckily one of the girls heard him stumbling about, and was able to raise the alarm before anyone was seriously hurt, and the Police turned up and arrested him.

He was later found Guilty of Attempted Murder, and sentenced to prison for a fair bit.

So, the next time you guys go into work and see some odd-bob in the corner, before you take the piss just think about what that odd-bob may be capable of.
Unless of course that odd-bob looks like "Spencer" from "Pheonix Nights", what a fucking mutant.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:10, Reply)

Stealing someone's Mountain Bike
.........is bad enough I admit

BUT when the owner of the mountain bike turns out to be Matt 'The Bedford Banger' Skelton you have definitly gone too far
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:54, Reply)

No sonny
your disgusting confession or failed attempt at sick humour was 'going a bit too far'.

If there was ANY truth in your original post, you should seriously contemplate turning yourself, and your so-called mates in.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:44, Reply)

pfffft.
my story was taken off, that's going a bit too far.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:35, Reply)

last night
fully sociable evening, throwing the 'arrers in a local pub.

When it came to collecting fines, my good mate - an old bastard but a mate - asked for 80p. My other mate decided to argue over 10p of it when KAAABBLLLLAAAMMMMOOO - he was blamed for killing his son and it nearly got our whole team barred for such a ruckus.

A bit far maybe?
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:19, Reply)

for "Che Grimsdale"
he who smelt it dealt it.

HA!
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:03, Reply)

My boyfriend went too far once...
It kind of hurt.
(Don Diasco, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 11:00, Reply)

Message for 'You're all a bunch of twats anyway'
"I know you are, but what am I?"
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 10:36, Reply)

I was playing for an 80th birthday party a week ago
in Denton Conservative club. I was the fiddle player in a rather silly jug band. The party was held for the chairman of the local Conservative association, so the great and the good of the local Tory scene were present and conspicuously enjoying their Gin and Tonics. If you've ever been to a Conservative club, you'll know that they all have a picture of the Queen hanging over the bar, resplendent in all her regal majesty. It'd been going rather well till the point where our singer points to it and says 'Nice picture, but remember, when she dies, we all move up a place'

Silence, broken only by the sound of me creasing up in laughter on stage.
( Milkman Dan, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 10:24, Reply)

Kebab House woes
Picture the scene if you will:- 2002-ish, Winter, a Kebab House somewhere in Scotland.

My mate “The Chris” and I were having a bit of banter with the kebab house owner after having ordered the largest kebab in NATO,when in walks a 30 something and what we assumed to be his date for the evening. At this point The Chris and I were joking with the owner about some of the more colourful insults we’d heard traded during a recent bitch-fight in town.

30-something sees this as the ideal opportunity to interject and impress his date with his dry wit and charisma.

“ Ha ha, my favourite comeback has got to be 'I know you are, but what am I' ha ha” says 30-something.

His date gives a short giggle combined with a look that could only mean “Oh fuck what kind of twat am I going out with?”

The Chris, clearly insulted and offended at the twat’s useless and frankly shit retort says “That was pish mate”

He continues with the classic “ My favourite has to be ‘You’ve got a face like a rape-victims' pelvis’ ”

Stunned silence all round, jaws agape.

Too far?!
(Scouty last scratched and sniffed on, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 8:35, Reply)

a friend of mine, quite drunkenly
lined up my housemates three prized teddybears on his bedroom windowsill and then used my housemates own shotgun to blast the heads off of them from inside his bedroom.

he then took the decapitated bodies into the garden and started throwing them in the air shooting at them.

we were having a party. how many parties have you been to where there's a pissed up geordie in the garden cackling like a maniac at 3am firing off rounds with a 12 gauge? i haven't been to any since, either.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 8:26, Reply)

"jennymnemonic", chill out,
of course it's a joke.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 7:55, Reply)

common thread

'I pissed in a bottle and my mate drank it, then I gave him a wedgie, then I took a photo of him sleeping with my balls on his head'

Dear rugby oafs - just come out for god's sake.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 2:46, Reply)

Gleam
When you say a wild animal, surely that encompasses the scale right from squirrel to elephant?
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 0:36, Reply)

poo
Today i had to write a groveling apology.

As a part of my work I use Remote desktop (apples version) to monitor what people are doing in the labs. Occasionally i see something suspitious which requires further attention. (usally silently observing them, to see what they are up to)

All well and good, However one of my methods for flushing out wannabe hackers is to write random words and move the mouse around (usually the words penis, ooooOOooo, arse, boobies or thankfully in this case "nipples")

so here this person is doing something relativity innocuous, but on an admin account (either a admin member, or a someone else being a bastard) So as they were writing an email i inserted the word nipples. Nothing happened. Fair enough must be staff, logged out and carried on looking at slashdot.

However today my various bosses came up to me in varying stages of mirth to inform me that i was in deep shit and that i should write an email to explain why i did it.

However saying i was bored and mildly suspicious was possibly not the right tact. Also not to mention that if i knew it was a member of admin, I'd have probably written something far more abusive.

I also hope they don't read b3ta, otherwise i would well and truly be hoisted by my own perturb (or captain fucknutted)
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 23:53, Reply)

hey bheroniphr
wenn du so was fragst, dann kannst du einfach auf eine dinge warten - einen Faust direkt in dein gesicht. Was für ein Trottel bist du????
(Herr Oberfeldwebel Steh auf oder stirb auf die Knien..., Wed 15 Nov 2006, 23:25, Reply)

haben Sie eine Dusche
So, there's The Benga in Frankfurt for New Year 04 with 12 friends. Much drinking and debauchery to be had - all crammed into a 36 hour period with no sleep.

Spent virtually the entire time asking random German revellers:

Entschuldigen Sie mich, haben Sie eine Dusche für meinen Juden bitte?

Many a harsh stare and we even got kicked out of a couple of bars...

HAHAHAHAHA - pissed ourselves!
(TheBenga Niggerrape, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 23:06, Reply)

I probably went too far . .
Today in Geography some chums of mine thought it was a gaff to repeatedly steal my pencil case. Naturally by the end of the lesson I was fairly vexxed. As we were walking to next lesson i found myself at the top of a flight of stairs with aforementioned chums walking below me. With the instinct of a greasy teenager I lent over the bannister and spat cheerfully onto their heads.

Except I missed.

I had to pass the poor Year 7 (1st year) girl coming up the stairs wiping spit out of her hair. Felt guilty for the entire next lesson.
Oh yeah I'm hung like a wild animal.
(gleam has been selling these fine leather jackets since, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 22:03, Reply)

like the story below
me and my friends once went bit to far at a house party. but instead of cutting off a girls hair we ended cutting a hole in the girls sofa with a decorative sword that sat on the mantle. her parents were not happy. but what do you expect when you leave a sword on display at a teenage house party. kaylie raine your parents are retards and so are you.
(fwack bang on it, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 19:55, Reply)

Poor Poor Girl
This tale comes from house party in lovely Stockton-On-Tees! I wasnt actually there but this is what was told to me and i have actually saw the girl in question to confer its truth. Story goes that young lady in stockton is having a house party probably for small number of close friends by midnight the houseowner is unconcious due to to much shandy and large amount of boys who dont like her 2 much decend onto her house after staying for few hours boys become bored and as they dont like the houseowner particually they decide to play dares starts of fairly playfully dare you to eat all her food haha much laughs until dares get more an more well daring, long story shorter girl wakes up in slightly dazed hungover state stumbles upstairs to find a large mound of male faeces in the middle of her perfectly made pink bedhsheet ok she thinks i can just throw the bed sheets out stumbles into bathroom to have a look at how hungover shes looking only to find out shes now sporting a rather large bald spot on the top of her head where very long blonde hair use to be....

Poor girl had to wear a wig for over a year...

There was length but it has been ended by some hair clippers
(oxfam-glamour-model, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 18:25, Reply)

Dave
Dave is a cunt. An absolute shit of a mate, but a mate none the less.
One night, about 17yr old, after maybe a few too many beers, or maybe not enough, myself and two like minded friends decided to fuck up the front garden to his house.
This constituted getting all the For Sale signs that we could find and placing them over his door, then getting all the black bins in the street that we could find and filling the garden with them, there were so many they were literally overflowing.
Now, as this was about 3 in the morning we decided that we wanted to see the sort of confusion/anger that was to become of it from him/his family.
So we rang him a pizza.
And six taxis, from different firms. Then retreated to a safe and conventient corner up the road. His mum, then him told the pizza man to go away, then all the taxis, it was fukcing beatiful, and his face looking up and down the street every time he came out was a fucking picture or purple anger.
After getting bored and cold, we started to walk home, to hear him shout behind us 'BASTARDS'.
So we ran as fast as our doubled up in hyterics bodies could take us and hid behind some cars and a skip for what we thought was a safe amount of time, then continued our journey, thinking 'We got out of that one'.

Then he stared walking towards from down the street like the fukcing terminator, actual steam was coming out the little wankers ears.

The too far bit (for me, everything was fine) was greeting him with 'Dave! Mate! Hows it going? What you been up to man? Any news?' and other complete bollox, then denying any knowledge of what he spoke of with the excuse that we'd been swimming all night.(!?)

He didnt talk to us for ages after that. Although its justified, this sick little cunt threw a traffic cone through someones front room window for NO reason at all, then gets pissed at a few bags of rubbish.

Length and girth. There, i said it.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 18:20, Reply)

This bald bloke
reckoned he was a right hardnut. He had lots of tattoos, and was a right racist to boot. He saw two coloured guys outside, and started fighting with them. One of them run off, and he he went too far making the other bite the pavement while he stamped on his he...oh wait it's a filum.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 17:53, Reply)