You will never be a fisherman

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:54, 2 replies)

It Is So, It Can Be No Other Way
A piece of advice I was given nigh on a decade ago and have lived my life buy.

Following this has allowed me to live my life in stress free.
(Laxly, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:53, 3 replies)

Not
me but the SF writer Larry Niven - "On my 21st birthday, my dad said to me, 'Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it.'"
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 21 May 2010, 15:51, 1 reply)

an ex boss of mine told me
never underestimate the power of denial. And you know what? He was right!
(Kip, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:34, Reply)

never, ever,
EVER accept the challenge of an Atomic Sit-Up. Especially in University when your mates have nothing better to do than watch College Humor videos all day.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:26, 4 replies)

Throw a pepper in the air,
if it fails to come back down you've gone insane, so don't trust anyone.
(MutantSixtyFour isn't doing his work on, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:26, Reply)

Live a life without clutter...
My brother told me something practical that will stick with me for the rest of my life: "If in doubt, chuck it out". No clutter in my house!

On a separate note, one of my other brothers told me something that sometimes gets me in trouble if I ponder upon trying something risky: "You're a long time dead".

I have three brothers, and the only good advice I can think of from my third brother at the moment is "Don't do it - I'LL BREAK IT" as he had me in an arm lock and I was threatening to tickle him to get out of it. This was when we were kids and he grew to be a muscly fella while I chose a job in I.T. Damn.

A word of warning - if one of your older brothers asks you to smell his new aftershave and holds out his hand for you to get a whiff, don't whatever you do go and smell it, especially if it's called 'Bell'...
(ed-z, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:24, Reply)

There's no such thing as cheap shoes
I once bought a pair of canvas deck shoes from Millets for a pound. Delighted with my bargain, I wore them home and to the pub. That evening, a little pissed, I took them off and crawled into bed. I couldn't sleep. The unholiest stench I've ever smelled was seeping from the shoes into my room - it was so pungent and stomach churning I had to open the window and throw the shoes outside. Then, to make matters worse, I had to go and clean my feet in the shower and slept with the duvet propped up at the bottom so the residual smell escaped that way rather than out past my nostrils. Since then I've always bought leather or suede shoes, and my feet haven't smelled since.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:24, 3 replies)

Anyone who says "I'll tell you something for free"
Just ignore the fucker, (s)he's talking shit.
(Pat_Gash, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:23, 1 reply)

Prolly bindun
here's a piece of advice:

advi
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:18, Reply)

Never wish your time away.
The father of a friend of mine loves tinkering with old radios.

He once showed me the workbook of a wartime RAF radio operator who'd used it during training - he was obviously bored by it all, it was full of little ways of counting down the remaining time of each class - he was always desperate for the lectures to be over.

My friend's father looked this guy up; very shortly after those classes his bomber was shot down and he was killed. He was only 22.

What he said to me then I'll say to you now - never wish your time away. Enjoy each moment as if it was your last.
( superstoater is so mauve, you don't know what he's planning, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:17, 5 replies)

The best cure for sea-sickness
is to sit under a tree.

/Spike Milligan
( splorp ®, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Never buckle another mans swash.
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:01, Reply)

"If it bends, it's funny
...if it breaks it's not"
(superscape blames it on the bogie, Fri 21 May 2010, 14:35, Reply)

A Fool
A fool and his money are some party.
( Vambo, Fri 21 May 2010, 14:13, Reply)

Do I want to do this?
I had been working nights in a factory that assembled fibre optic components shortly before Nortel imploded and had been invited to a house warming party - most of the floor were there as the place was huge. We all brought beer and much merriment was had.

But there's always one (and for once, it wasn't me). This lad was wafer thin and well... Odd, to say the least. Everyone was having a fairly good time and it all seemed to be going swimingly. The booze was going down well as the night progressed but this one lad just couldn't take it. In the kitchen he started to get a little bit punchy with me. But knowing I was only a guest I decided that I should leave rather than excaserbate the situation further. As I was leaving one of the team leaders whom I got on with stopped me and asked what was wrong.

"Wait right there Lea, I'll sort it. You're not leaving." The tone of his voice made it clear that this would be happening. I would have given statues a run for their money in the holding still stakes.

He walks into the kitchen where this prat is and closes the door behind him. A minute later he comes out and gives me the nod. All sorted.

As the night went on, the drinking games started - the blokes out in the garden in some bloody great tent thing and the women indoors. The games were good I have to say. Then one final game started. Apparently this one lad had upset practically everyone there over the course of the night and now his card was well and truly marked with his getting nasty.

I turned to another team leader who I didn't know so well and asked "Do I want to do this?" regarding the game. He gave me a knowing grin and said "No, just watch, you'll enjoy it more."

The game was simple - A can of beer would be passed around, you had to repeat a phrase, if you got it wrong, you had to drink the beer and a new phrase was issued.
And so I watched as every time the bottle went around it landed on the lad and he was made to drink yet another beer. He must have had at least a dozen by the end of the game and a taxi was organised for him to be sent home. To say he was hammered would be an understatement of biblical proportions.

But I want to thank both of those team leaders for their actions that night, as just as I left the lad in the kitchen I was feeling pretty down about it all - my night at that moment felt like it had been ruined. Instead it turned out fantastic to see a little alcohol fuelled karma come into play before my very eyes.

Thanks guys.

Another bit of advice:

A chap I knew by the name of Wenham was always fond of saying,
"Old age and treachery conquer youth and skill every time."

Length etc.
(the_leander, Fri 21 May 2010, 14:12, 1 reply)

As my dad says...
Life is like a shit sandwich - the more bread you've got, the less shit you eat
(secretsquirrel, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:57, 4 replies)

Nicknames
Never trust someone who creates their own nickname.
(cname, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:57, 6 replies)

"Ray..."
If someone asks you if you're a God, you say
YES

Advice we can all live by, I think
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:56, 4 replies)

Courtesy of Billy
Where ever you are going, never take an eejit with you.........





You can always pick one up when you get there.

Thanks Billy.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Raised by wolves until the age of two, my closest childhood friends and confidants were my two pet turtles, Venus and Serena.
Father, father I have sinned
I dunno where to begin
Give me words of advice
I'll save them up for a clear day

Keep your eye upon the ball
Write your thoughts upon the wall
There's some words of advice
Save them up for a clear day

Venus and Serena understand

Flushing meadows down the stream
Living life as though it's a dream
Eat the future today
Don't save it up for a rainy day

Holy bombs make holy holes
Holy holes make homeless moles
Take the turtle and hare
Don't run around if you can walk there

Venus and Serena understand

Father, father, father, father can't you see?
I'm a walking tragedy
Father, father, father when I look to the past
I never realised that it wouldn't last

Venus and Serena understand

I've one final thing to say
I'm not your father anyway
Found you under a cloud
Left outside by the wolves one day, hey

[lyrics by Gruff Rhys/Super Furry Animals]
(Raol Duke, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:37, 7 replies)

My grandfather's advice for life...
Your grandfather is supposed to pass on all sorts of profound wisdom. What did I get?

"Take big strides and your shoes will last longer"

Not if you're as big a cheapskate when it comes to buying shoes as I am, Grandad.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:32, Reply)

useful advice...
Always try and finish what you
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:32, 1 reply)

An old boss once told me
If I'm selling to you, you can wear what you like.

If you're selling to me, put a fucking tie on.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:24, Reply)

You can pick your friends...
...and you can pick your nose.
But never pick your friends nose.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:18, 4 replies)

One time at InFest
A few years ago I was having a cracking weekend in Bradford (seriously) with a bunch of Goths (I'm not making this up). InFest is a cybergoth festival which is either a deadly serious occasion or a good laugh with your mates and a lot of beer depending on how slavishly devoted to the scene you are. I am about a 1 on the "takes being a Goth seriously" scale. I was there to laugh at the people who turn it up to 11.

It's not all shits, giggles and ludicrously elaborate outfits, though. It is mostly that, but occasionally someone will waddle across your eyeline who absolutely cannot justify what they're wearing. One such instance was a woman (I assume - I had no intention of inspecting any more closely) who was clad in black PVC, three licks of white paint away from getting a job at SeaWorld.

Credit where it's due - the good advice came from my mate Dave. "Why the fuck do people make PVC in size 24?!", he proclaimed (adjusted for slurrage). "If you make PVC in size 24, someone will buy it, and wear it, and we'll have to look at it!"

There's not much arguing with that, so I encouraged him to spread the word to everyone running a stall selling clothes that weekend. Unfortunately, he took me at my word, and ran afoul of a similarly-proportioned lass at one such PVC emporium.

Replying to her plaintive request for an apology with "Jump, Willy, jump!!" was probably what cost him his pint, and most of his eyeliner.

Length? If we assume that a tennis ball placed into orbit circles a fat bird at a rate of 1.5cm per second... I don't fucking know, I was off my tits
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:17, 4 replies)

Went on a road trip a month ago
from Dublin to Reading (Flashy i know...). 4 long time mates in a car. I was driving. Having made numerous bad decisions in regards to motorway lane choice, wrong exits, missed exits etc the friend next to me said in a p*ssed off tone.

"Sneep, From now on whatever it is you're thinking about doing....just do the opposite"

Sage advice, rest of the journey there and back passed without incident as i heeded the advice given...
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Always...
Use a sheet of cling-film when you're out rimming people.

They won't be able to tell the difference; you won't be sucking down malign bacteria.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:14, 1 reply)

Hokey religions
and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:11, Reply)

Life is like riding a bike
If it's too easy, you're going downhill.
To keep your balance, you must keep moving.
If you do nothing but look back, you'll fall off.
(Jester_, Fri 21 May 2010, 13:08, 3 replies)