Lesson learnt and passed on many times
Never wash your face with a bar of Solvol.

They've got liquid stuff now, which is great.

Might be only relevant to Australians.
(Snapper-head loves a twinky anytime but especially when it's, Fri 21 May 2010, 5:32, 2 replies)

Fuck the housework and take the kids on a picnic.
You've never heard anyone say, "I had a brilliant childhood, the bathroom was always spotless...".
(twattybanjo, Fri 21 May 2010, 4:17, 11 replies)

On Writing.....
I've been struggling to write a sci-fi book for some time, and was particularly stuck at one point where there was quite literally nothing happening on the page. I expressed my concern at my literary ineptitude to a friend of mine, whose reply helped thoroughly.

He said;

"In many things in life, when your subject is dull you can either; a) Set fire to it, b)Blow it up, c)Take its clothes off, or d)add ninjas."
This was swiftly followed up by a long frown and additional advice of
"Don't do 'c' if you're writing about someone's Gran though."

It's proven useful a few times.
(Ryushin, Fri 21 May 2010, 3:56, 2 replies)

i know it's tempting, but...
i was forced to take two weeks of training when i began working at the oklahoma department of corrections (as an envelope stuffer in the admin building, no less). the only thing i took away from the course:

"don't have sex with the inmates."

nine years later, and i still believe it's pretty sage advice for any situation.
( mayonessa, Fri 21 May 2010, 3:27, 2 replies)

Don't sneeze whilst taking a shit ...
The look of surprise as my 3yo lifted clean off the toilet seat will stay with me forever.
(Que?, Fri 21 May 2010, 3:04, Reply)

Anything gets cooler
when you add ninjas.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 May 2010, 2:44, 2 replies)

Wear Sunscreen
From Wikipedia:

Wear Sunscreen or the Sunscreen Speech are the common names of an essay titled "Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" written by Mary Schmich and published in the Chicago Tribune as a column in 1997, but often erroneously attributed to a commencement speech by author Kurt Vonnegut. Both its subject and tone are similar to the 1927 poem "Desiderata". The most popular and well-known form of the essay is the successful music single "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)", released in 1998, by Baz Luhrmann.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwVVpwBKUp0

See also, for shits and giggles, John Safran's pisstake:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YwqFz14xY4
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 21 May 2010, 2:32, Reply)

Advice for aunts and uncles.
There are people out there, maybe even on your contact list, who don't want more animated gifs of smileys.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 May 2010, 1:44, Reply)

From my stepdad
"Remember, up the bum, no babies."

What's funny is that he hardly ever talks about sex, yet he had no qualms about making a casual anal sex reference to a teenaged me.
(ElGranto, Fri 21 May 2010, 1:38, Reply)

Nice layout. Clear fonts. Good picture which is enlargeable. Not a bad effort. Could benefit from boobies, mind.


( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 21 May 2010, 1:30, 3 replies)

Reminded by Smash Monkey.
I can't remember where I heard this, whether it was directed at me, just written down, something I told myself after the wrong experiences or just a fevered Bovril-dream. Doesn't make it any less true. The advice, and certainly something I'd pass on, boils down to this.

"Don't try and be their saviour."

You may like someone. You may even love them. But if they're a mess, you are as likely to be dragged down as you are to lift them back up. And yeah, I know there are stories on this very board that say otherwise, and I salute you. But I've tried it myself and it never worked out well.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 21 May 2010, 1:11, 2 replies)

Be excellent to each other.
Bill and Ted taught me everything I need to know.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 21 May 2010, 0:40, 5 replies)

Advice
I can't afford to give you any money, but I can give you advice:

Never take advice from anyone who can't afford to give you money.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Fri 21 May 2010, 0:28, Reply)

when I first moved to london I shared a flat with five nurses
Their advice from years on their feet in A&E: "Never put anything up your arse you might have trouble getting out afterwards"

and if you happen to find yourself in emergency with a foreign object inserted, just own straight up "I was masturbating, thought I'd try something and it got stuck". They can see through your wank tissue of lies
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 21 May 2010, 0:18, 4 replies)

Your life is like being on a boat in the sea
You've got limited steering and sometimes the sea will give you no choice as to which way to go.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:57, Reply)

Learn to accept and enjoy the inevitable...
( windsorphil, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:48, Reply)

Do not post on internet forums very late at night when 'ahem' slightly tipsy
After reeling home drunk as a skunk in the early hours.
What may seem amusing to you at 2am will no doubt be bloody boring to anyone else who reads it.

And never ever post anything really personal that will evoke a trolling/pandertron response no matter how true it is

Disclaimer
Its before midnight and I'm sober
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:41, 2 replies)

My grandad's bit of advice was to always "Fight fire with fire"...
which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:23, Reply)

Never take
a non stick spatula to a gun fight.
( bane, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:22, 2 replies)

Run, while you can.
One sunny day, when I was about 8, I was walking back to our house from the village with my Dad.

"Let's run," he said. "Why?" "Because one day, we won't be able to."

We ran home for no reason.

Still clear as a bell after 35 years.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:12, 7 replies)

If a girl's feet smell...
then so does her fudd.

Do not go down on her.
(Helmut McBucket invites you to pull his finger on, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:12, 5 replies)

My advice to all
If you drop food on the floor, as long as you pick it up within 3 seconds it is safe to eat.

I don't care what MythBusters say.

It's Science Fact. (in my house)
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:12, 3 replies)

My Mum says..............
don't trust wankers. whether she means people who masturbate or idiots im not sure. cos if she means the former, well she doesn't trust me.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:01, Reply)

A question of class.
"You can always tell how classy a place is, be it pub, restaurant, or otherwise, by the positioning of the mirrors in the toilets. The closer they are to the door, the more likely it is that the clientele will have to check they put their clothes back on correctly before they leave."

Thanks Mum.
(Elegant Lady Vee is not my real name., Thu 20 May 2010, 23:00, 1 reply)

Unsolicited advice about pumpkins
Once, when I was a student, I had to take a pumpkin to a Halloween party. On foot. 3 miles. Don’t ask.
This pumpkin was HUGE; it was a pumpkin in need of a gastric by-pass. To avoid back strain, I cunningly devised straps so that I could wear like a rucksack. Clever girl.

Leaving my Halls room, straining against my ponderous burden, I locked my door and dropped my keys between my feet. I speedily bent forwards to pick them up...

WHACK!

Darkness.

My pumpkin counterweight had swung forwards off my shoulders and cracked me across the back of the head, rendering me unconscious for 3 hours.


Slapstick: it can happen to YOU. True facts.
(HaHa!Snakes! was last seen on, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:58, 6 replies)

Guns and Roses-
Most organised religions make a mockery of humanity.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Thu 20 May 2010, 22:50, Reply)

TEFL
I was doing a Teaching English as a Foreign Language course. A friend was staying with me- he'd just come back from a year doing exactly that, badly and not without some odd experiences which, I think, lead to him getting fired.

I passed the course, and his advice for the first job I got was the following:

Don't drink too much.
Don't screw the other teachers.
Don't screw your students.

The first two went out of the window on the second night of the new job. The third took a little longer.

Good advice can unfortunately sometimes be negative guidance.
(groover j lazerus, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:48, Reply)

Thou shalt always kill...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN6XfyQsr4

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a peadophile... Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it's cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products.
Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend's best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls' pants.
Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyokes.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave before it's done just because you've finished your shitty little poem or song you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just 'cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you're never gonna fucking talk to.
Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles... Were just a band.
Led Zepplin... Just a band.
The Beach Boys... Just a band.
The Sex Pistols... Just a band.
The Clash... Just a band.
Crass... Just a band.
Minor Threat... Just a band.
The Cure... Just a band.
The Smiths... Just a band.
Nirvana... Just a band.
The Pixies... Just a band.
Oasis... Just a band.
Radiohead... Just a band.
Bloc Party... Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys... Just a band.
The Next Big Thing.. JUST A BAND.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music,
thou shalt not make repetitive generic music,
thou shalt not make repetitive generic music,
thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.

Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say "Hey" thou shalt not say "Ho".
When I say "Hip" thou shalt not say "Hop".
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise... kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish you girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word "Pheonix" P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying "Is it".

Thou shalt think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always... Thou shalt always kil
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 20 May 2010, 22:43, 5 replies)

When life hands you lemons...
sell the lemons and buy alcohol.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:38, 3 replies)

always check for paper
before you sit down.
(Wagane, Thu 20 May 2010, 22:31, Reply)