My pervy Dad
Last year, my sister was using my (single) Dad's computer and tried Googling her name (which begins with "V"). Good old autocomplete came up with "Visting prostitutes Bristol". She didn't mention it to him but told me and my brother.

Turns out the old perv treated himself to a session once a month. Fair enough.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Chix!! With Dix!!!
Two things spring to mind with the computers catching you out...

To set the scene a little, me and an ex had gotten back together, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea, but at the time, having no where to got for...um...shenanigans of a moist and damp/hard and probing nature, we would occasionally find ourselves at my workplace, after everyone had left for the evening, making use of...well...*anywhere* for a shag. Post coitus, she would quite happily play about on the companies interweb connection (the company I work for is a software house, believe it or not, and we were NOT at the forefront of the online revolution. In fact, the MD of the company has gone on record as saying 'this internet thing will never catch on' - So at this point, theres only one internet connection in the whole company.) So while she's happily searching the web for news about the latest triumphs of the various Russian swimmers (yes, really!), I was more than happy to leave her to it, and have a blast on whatever FPS was doing the rounds. Probably Duke Nukem 3D at the time, if anyones interested. So, anyway...This goes on for a bit, and the setup suits us both fine. Right until, a couple of weeks into this 'routine' one of the guys in the office decides to have a peruse of IE's cache, and starts slowly loading up a picture of a woman, to much woos and yays from the assembled guys watching. Right up until the rarther large penis appears. Not going *into* the woman, you understand, but attached to her. Oh yes. Transvestite porn. On a works machine. Downloaded by my GF, while I saved the earth from invading aliens. I suggested she stick to russian swimmers in future.

The second thing that happened....the MD of the company was rather messily divorcing his wife whilst having a fling with his rather skinny, rather snooty, and rather younger PA - I don't think he got out much, truth be told, and this was the first woman other than his psycho wife he'd come into contact with in 10 or 12 years. He passed his laptop to the development team to back up as he was getting a spangly new one, and didn't want to lose anything. Every single letter from him to his solicitor about the impending divorce was in there, not even password protected. What was really bad though... Lots and lots of pictures of his PA showing lots of leg, always in tights, and two rather unsettling topless pictures of said girl. It was all quite depressing, really. He subsequently married his PA and because of her fear of being usurped by an even younger model, the company hasn't had one female employee since that day.

Oh hum.
(TC, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 11:06, Reply)

Not really Google, but still....
Back in the day, when I was still young, naive and spotty, I was MSNing this rather hot girl who I was desparate to do anything to impress. Anyway, one day, she sent me a questionnaire about sexual habits.. well, more like wanking habits, and being desperate to impress, I filled it in.

Only thing was, the questionnaire sent all the results straight back to her. She found out that I wanked over her every single day... she didn't really talk to me much after that...
(Freddie Mercury, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 9:46, Reply)

yack
I used to think the only single girl in the office was kinda hot, until Google told me her most frequent search was "stretch marks"

She isn't preggers, or ever has been.

This haunts me every time we speak.
(Carling, pint of, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 9:20, Reply)

stalking while living together.
A guy I know (let's call him A) was dropped by his boyfriend (B) because B found out A had kissed another man..because B was going through A's emails and found one where he mentioned this fact and his guilt about it. Apparently this struck B as perfectly normal behaviour, as did the subsequent dumping, as presumably the concept of 'privacy' didn't. He was a quiet, soft-spoken guy as well, as per the 'stunned neighbours described him as a quiet, soft-spoken man who kept to himself' stereotype.

I wonder if anyone ever says "we kind of thought he'd do something horrible one day, as he was a boisterous extrovert".

In hindsight this story isn't so much 'betrayed by a computer' as 'betrayed by your gaydar, which is an early model and so doesn't come with a sane-dar'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 3:49, Reply)

google.cx
Typed in goatsex... as a joke, of course, when I was 11. Google, being the great thing google is, said, "Did you mean Goatse?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

*click**click**click*

"OH DEAR GOD!"

I never really trusted it again.
(Outsyder, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 3:25, Reply)

Dad, you dog you...
I live in the country, so sometimes if I'm going out on the town it's convenient for me to stay overnight at my parent's house.

Imagine my joy when I got home to find that my parents had decided to get their very first computer, and gone the whole hog by getting an internet connection to go with it (dialup but well miracles don't happen overnight...)

So I gleefully settle down to check my email before bed... and am struck horrified by the animal porn site that pops up in the autocomplete. Desirous of more pain to my soul I looked in the history to find that he'd visited a number of such sites but at least had the sense to set up a yahoo mail address to field the emails from those that required registration.

I went to bed and lay staring at the ceiling for a number of hours wondering what kind of world it was where my mother's partner in life liked to look at pictures of women sucking dog's penises.

As you do.

Of course there was only one response. The next morning I had a gentle talk about how to hide his tracks for these kinds of excursions. There comes a point in everyone's life when the role of parent and child becomes reversed. How we handle it determines the course of that tender relationship.
(seanfish, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 1:23, Reply)

when the cats away...
I invited a girl to live with me...the first day she was there while I was at work she virtually took my computer apart electron by electron

She of course found my porn but that wasn't what pissed her off...she also found old msn logs I had saved with previous girlfriends...ladies it should be noted I had known BEFORE I ever knew HER...not that this line of reasoning impressed her any(despite my best efforts)

She found them NOW while we were together...therefore I was guilty NOW

Her stay with me started bad and only got worse as time went on...I did learn my lesson though....NEVER give your SO unlimited access to your computer

At least I hope that was the lesson I was supposed to get from that fiasco
(Inventor of the slipless banana peel, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Perv Lecturer
Had to do a presentation in university and our lecturer brought in his laptop and hooked it up to the projector.

I begin presenting and I notice that some people in the lecture hall are giggling. I was confused as I figure my work isn't bad enough to laugh at.

It was only until I finished presenting that I noticed what everyone else already had, namely the "Cream Pie Heaven - Blonde AssLickers.zip" torrent file on his desktop.

He immediately deleted it and tried to pretend it was a Howard Stern radio show. Much laughter ensued, and he repeatedly brought it up throughout the rest of the lecture, trying to convince us of his innocence.

Kinky Bastard.
( Regger, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 23:31, Reply)

How not to show up a friend.
I took the following screengrab after submitting something vile to a site where people share "tips" with each other in my friends name.

Can you see what caught me out?



Note: Was not looking for dog porn.
( B.T., Tue 14 Feb 2006, 22:54, Reply)

It's the truth!
"Pron
Dont have to be worried about all the porn websites in my browser history, its all part of my job :)"

Me too! Research... I ..ah.. need to know things.. for my special job.

*blush*
( freyamoon Submit!, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 22:32, Reply)

Curse of the Big Gay Bear
My friends and I go on an annual camping trip, and each year a t-shirt is designed to commemorate the occasion.

Well a couple of years back, one of my friends decided his t-shirt would be based around the maxim "does a bear shit in the woods". After a quick Google, an appropriate image was discovered - namely the Charmin Ultra mascot.

Said picture was of a cartoon bear dancing in the woods, and quickly became known as the 'big gay bear'.

Once the photographs of our trip were uploaded to my website, with an appropriate caption, I began to notice a growing trend of hits to the site. In fact in 2004 a good 83% of hits to my site were from the search term "Gay Bear', naively I looked up this up in Google and was delighted to find my website on the first page.

Then I noticed my fellow page one hits.

Take my advice, never set up a website, and use the words Big Gay Bear and leave a guestbook with an e-mail address. Also, whatever you do, don't mention in the meta data that the site also contains photos of drunk blokes pissing around, and photos of the various motorbikes that you've owned, as well as camping trips.

Just don't.
( Kovacs Slogan free since 2003, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 22:20, Reply)

just been on my parents computer....
type in A and autocomplete comes up with

ann summers sex toys



hey wait...

eeeewwwwww!!!
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 21:02, Reply)

What are those?
This was a few years ago, only a couple of months after our computer got an internet connection. (I know, I was a latecomer) I was looking for a serial code for some computer game and got the usual barrage of porn pop-ups flashing at me.

Halfway through clicking these away I realised my friends 5 year old was standing behind me. She looked at the screen and pointed to a advertisment ,for "teen ho's" or some such site, featuring a large picture of a half naked lady bearing her breasts and said "what are those?"

I didn't know what to do so I just said "boobs" and prayed that she didn't tell her parents what I'd been looking at on the computer when she skipped back through to the kitchen.

I still don't know whether they think I am into lesbian porn and it does worry me on occasion.
(ficklefiend, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 20:42, Reply)

Not in front of the children!
Imagine this idyllic family scene; me preparing lunch in the kitchen, my stepdaughter and her two friends quietly tearing round the flat creating havoc and tormenting the cat while my husband is looking at porn on the laptop.

My husband excuses himself to go somewhere more private, forgetting to close down the web site that has caused his sudden need for privacy. The kids ask me if they can play Harry Potter on my husband’s laptop, so I agree and click on his user name…

“EEEUGGH THAT’S GROSS!!”
(boredcouncilofficer, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 19:51, Reply)

Oooh, Doctor!
One day I went down to my local GP for an appointment.

And while I was sitting there, telling him all about my problems, I noticed that on his taskbar, he had gaydar.co.uk in his browser.

Which, okay, it was minimised. He might've been bored in-between appointments. A bit iffy, but acceptable.

Until a pop-up appeared informing us that someone "preferred an arse pic to a face one".
( Sydney Bintstow, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 19:40, Reply)

Back in t'day (*)
when men were men and a 28.8k dialup connection were considered pretty hardcore, I worked for a largish co. which had an intranet and remote access for the field sales team.

Management were sick of the salesmen complaining that the intranet ground to a halt every night when they were trying to upload their reports, but they weren't inclined to follow the (enlightened and talented) network manager's suggestion of stats logging. Well, not until he implemented it anyway, and published the results on the intranet homepage.

The top 20 visited websites made, err, 'interesting' reading, and the culprit was easily tracked down - one of the system testers, who had been finding all the unattended machines in the building after office hours and setting them all off downloading squigabytes of porn. He had a pile of zip drives full of the stuff. Basically he'd turned the whole office into a midnight porn torrent. Hence the lack of response time for the sales team.

Unfortunately he'd logged into all the spare machines using his own username. Doh!

(* and before you ask, Google didn't exist yet)
(><(((">, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 19:23, Reply)

I wouldn't say that it's ratted on me exactly...

... but I've been developing this software system called "Skynet".

It's been acting up and causing all sorts of problems. I think I may have to shut it down...
(geegee, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 18:14, Reply)

webcam+security guard=much joy
no-one ever logs out of their computer where my partner works, so when somebody was repeatedly getting "big assed latino whores" pop up in their history, suspicions were aroused that somebody was fiddling while everyone else was out. One webcam hook-up later, cue lots of footage of security guard cracking one off in the middle of the night. A note was left along the lines of "we know what you're up to" ... but still it goes on!
( roboplege, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 17:52, Reply)

A ha, just thought of another. Not me though.
My ex, Luke, is a bit techy so he's always having to fix little probs for friends and family, he doesn't mind, in fact he enjoys it.

Anyway, my nan and grandad asked him if he'd mind going round to a friend of theirs who had recently bought a digital camera but didn't know how to use it.

Cue Luke going round to (shall we call him Ron, for that was his name?) Ron's house, bear in mind this Ron is 75. Luke looks at cam, it's a gooden, can take movie clips and stuff, so he starts showing Ron what to do with it. He takes a few test photos of the computer etc just to show him how to get images from the camera to the PC, and a little 10 second clip, for the same reason.

Plugs in camera and shows him what to do, Ron askes how to find these images and clips and how to open them (duh), so again, Luke clicks here and there to show him how. He gets to the folder and to show him how to open the clips, he double clicks, expecting to see his little 10 second clip he just shot, now Ron isn't at all techy, his system basically came out of the ark so it's slow, real slow.

Up pops Media Player to show Luke Ron bashing away, full on zoomed onto his cock. Ron and Luke are sitting next to each other at this point, as close as you and me are right now, he's feeling a teensy bit awkward so he hits close, and you know when a system is so old that when you click something it takes about 17 years to do it? Well that's what happened here, after it eventually closed down Ron pipes up, oh is that still on there? I thought i'd got rid of that...how do you delete stuff from the camera then Luke?

Since then Ron has got clever, he can now download stuff and burn it onto CD too, I know this as Luke found 'Club Erotica' and 'Busty Maidens' in his CD drawer.

Thing is, my grandad goes to Rons house once a week to have a play on the computer and catch up...oh God!
( diffy maybs, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Reminder
A friend recently got himself a new flat. He had just moved out of living with his parents and was really proud of himself (despite being 29). Anyway invites us around to show off the flat. While he was in the kitchen making tea we set his new sky box to give him an automatic reminder to the Gay Porn channel the following day when his dad and grandfather where coming around to watch the football.

Would have loveded to have been there when he tried to explain that one away.
(El Wapo, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 16:49, Reply)

how to tell when a relationship really should be over...
I was going out with a fella at the time, and the relationship still much in it's infancy. He lived outside of london and so we saw each other at weekends, and chatted online and on the phone during the week. On this occasions, he was staying with me for a week, supposedly looking for a job in london.

I'd left him at home one day while I went to work, and I knew he was online all day long cos I was chatting to him on MSN for most of it.
That evening, me and a few mates went to a concert at Brixton Academy. Me fella wasn't interested in going (It was Air, they're shit live, even more so when one of your mates gets too stoned and you have to sit with them outside while they're having a whitey). So anyhow, my fella goes out for dinner with one of his mates instead, and says he will be home not long after me.
I get home and wait for him before going to bed, and it gets later and later and later, and he doesnt show up. I get suspicious, so go to the computer and check the Internet Explorer history - to find he's spent most of his day on Gaydar. I try to view one of the pages in the history, only IE tries to load it from the server, which fails.... Not to be defeated, I put IE into "work offline" mode, and lo & behold, I can read all of his messages.

And it turns out that he's a prostitute, and is out on a "special date".

No wonder he never came home that night.

I think he cottoned on to me snooping on him - he was very careful to clear the history from then onwards, and the "relationship" was over by the end of the week.

Not, sadly, before he'd managed to break my bed, and even more sadly, he *wasn't* demonstrating his sexual prowess on me at the time.

I never told him I knew about his evening job. Nor did I mention to him that his application to join the police might be frowned upon if they knew about. I still to this day haven't confessed that I know his secret.

I guess there's not many people out there who can say they've had their bed broken by a whore they were dating at the time. We're still friends now. I'm just saving this little revelation for the right time. Unless he reads this site, in which case he might have put together 2+2 by now....
(scally, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 16:18, Reply)

I can't believe so many people still look at still images.
Surely in the 21st centure everyone knows of the delights of file-sharing?

And the great thing about Kazaa, BearShare, BitTorrent etc. is that your average Mrs. has no idea how to use it or even what it is.

Mature midget anal bestiality, anyone?
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Tue 14 Feb 2006, 15:07, Reply)

A long time ago on an Interweb far far away
My flatmate had an irritating girlfriend. She was young naive, dumb as dogshit and half as interesting. Of course he proceeded to fall in lurve with this waste of DNA and invited her to live with us.

Well I had a shiny Windows 95 PC and a brand spanking new top of the range K56flex modem and thanks to my flatmate she had a hotmail account. So there she was dialled up and online, running up my phonebill whilst staring blankly at hotmail's compose screen. No doubt trying to figure out how to spell "I'm a vacuous whore"

I patiently explained how she could compose her messages in Word whilst offline and then copy and paste them into hotmail in a quick efficient burst of dialled up activity.

All was well and good and perhaps she thought that the fact that I had set her up with her own password protected profile kept her sordid missives entirely private. In fact her privacy was ensured only by the fact that the none of the three IT professionals in the house gave two hoots what she was writing to her silly little friends.

Of course when you open Word to do a bit of work and it springs up with 1 recovered document found, then that's a different matter. And if the document so recovered details her plans for exactly when and how she plans to be leaving her boyfriend/my flatmate within the next few months and includes who she is planning to run away with - well then it all suddenly becomes far more interesting.

Did I tell my flatmate about his impending dumpage? Would you? Which course of activity makes me more of a git?

In the end I kept tight lipped working on the theory that the idiot girl was so young and stupid she could be making stuff up to tell her idiot friends and even fixed word 95 so that the recovered document didn't spring up every time word was opened as it was prone to do.

However it turns out that I was the second person to have discovered this message. Days later my flatmate confided that he had read all her e-mails after this recovered document thrust itself into his attention. He was simply giving her the chance to come clean of her own accord. Subtle hints went over her head and soon she was being invited to lie outright. So you have no plans to leave then? no plans written down and e-mailled to your friends then? Even with her belongings thrown onto the street and her Dad called to ensure she was picked up and had somewhere to stay denial was the order of the day. Screaming shouting, the sudden accusations that he'd beaten her. The police being called. Spectacular!
(Mathewmagician, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Red Handed
I was working as a sysadmin a long time ago for a large company, around the time when internet connected PCs really started to take a foothold on employees desktops.

Obviously this was in the days when users were naive and less savvy than now, they didnt know about internet caches, firewall logs or content advisors, and as a result used to abuse the new found internet connectivity that they had at work.

One such abuse occurred one evening when I was working late rebuilding a mailserver.
I was bored watching blue bars cross the screen as the server installed, so I checked out the firewall logs from the day, as part of an ongoing clampdown on freeing up bandwidth.
I noticed some interesting entries which had only just been logged, (they were nothing outlandish, just normal filth), so I resolved the IP address of the originator, and walked up to his floor to confront him about it, albeit in an amusing fashion.

Imagine my suprise, or should that be horror, when I rounded the corner to his cube and found him furiously wanking over his new found images!!
(LunarJim, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 14:33, Reply)

Dogs and bitches!
My first post hoooray!

Once upon a blue moon.
A cople of years ago, we had a new computer and it was linked to the web etc, and our dog had died about 2 years before, (what the hells th conection you all shout!)

My mum is new to the tinterweb.
Any way she wanted a new dog and wanted to find out about breeds.
So I said, go to google, and showed her how and where to type etc, then buggered off to make some sustinace (food)

When I returned severly minuets later, my mum was sat red faced at a blank screen.

She said she didn't know what she had done!

So i turned the monitor on and there were about 12 pages of porn open, she had tpyed Dogs and bitches into google and clicked on a random link. Upon realising she attempted to close the window and was attacked by loads of porn pop ups.

Sorry for length.
(ruud316, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 14:12, Reply)

not my computer but
some internet site gave this girl who fancied me my home address and the names of every one in my family, she emailed me and we met up. needless to say she was a bit weird and i realy wish she didnt know so much about my family.
(zaitsevrogue9, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 14:06, Reply)

Betrayed by his own website
A man applied to work for me at my old job. His email address contained a slightly unusual domain name which made me think it was probably his own personal domain. Since one of the job requirements was HTML skills the HR lady and I thought we would take a look.

The website didn't do much for our opinion of his HTML skills. The index.html page had a list of three or four folders all except "PICS" was empty. "PICS" container one file "ME.JPG" which was a picture of an extremely ropey, heavily made-up and totally unconvincing transvestite pouting and blowing a kiss.

I wonder how many of the people he'd ever e-mailed had done the same? Maybe it was his way of coming out to his family and friends?

WHOOPS forgot to make a joke about my penis. Erm can't think of one.
(PatronSaintOfPancakeBreakfasts, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 14:00, Reply)