On a bus:
Original sticker warning vandals on graffiti:

The Management Will Press For The Highest Penalties Against Offenders,

sticker had letters scraped of to reveal:

He Man Will Press His Penis Against Offenders.


Another was a 'Stork SB' bus advert (the margarine):
Stork Is Spreading Everywhere.
graffiti added:
"So Is AIDS".
(Nibi, Sun 6 May 2007, 20:47, Reply)

In a Liverpool pub
Going on about the IRA or something:

"How many more must die"

and written underneath...

"54 more must die"
(Nibi, Sun 6 May 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Last One - About College this time
A group of people have put up large numbers of posters up around college, and, indeed, around the town itself, imploring people to call a number if they happen across their lost llama. There is also a picture of a llama in case these people were unclear what it might look like.

I was speaking to someone about this recently. 'Hoho, aren't they a group of lads eh?' And that kind of thing.
He goes on to tell me, however, that he rang the number, and on the other end was 'fucking Chubby!'

I don't know who chubby is, but I suspect he's fed up and, more importantly, utterly bemused, with people calling him about a lost llama.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 6 May 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Sadly
Most of the graffiti I've seen has been rather tame, although I myself am on a personal mission to deface every air dryer in the world with the old "Press Button, Receive Bacon".

It's not original, and it's as old as air dryers themselves, but somehow it always makes me smile.
(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Sun 6 May 2007, 20:32, Reply)

I was sat doing some written exam a while back.
I'd got to that point where I just couldn't be bothered writing anymore. I put down my pen, stretched, and decided to distract myself by having a look at the graffiti scratched into the old desk. To my surprise, before me were comments such as:
"Good Luck!"
"It will be worth it all, now get back to that writing!"
and
"Don't worry; you DO know everything that you need for your exam."

I suddenly felt oddly optimistic and continued writing. Not particularly witty graffiti, but surreal nonetheless.
( Fluffy elephants, Sun 6 May 2007, 20:29, Reply)

You might have to be from here to get it
On the Shankill Road in Belfast:

SHANKILL SUPPORTS THE REPUBLICAN FEUD


Two of my aquaintances were just killed in the republican feud and this still managed to make me snigger.
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Sun 6 May 2007, 19:32, Reply)

Saw this little beauty in a toilet at university
I study Psychology at Goldsmiths in South East London (well for just one more month of my final year now, thank god!) which is predominantly an Art centred uni, so obviously is full of pretentious preening arseholes that you associate with Art and Drama degrees.

Smiths is the uni's Student magazine, which as you would imagine in this sort of environment is always full of guff revolving around "ironic" crap written by these conceited bellends who think they're the wittiest people alive.

Anyway that's enough backstory, the piece of graffiti I'm sharing with you goes as follows...

"That guy froms Smiths with a fancy hat is a cunt, I hope he gets raped."

Someone (most probably the fancy-hatted protagonist himself) had crossed out "raped" and replaced it with...

"given an award."

Luckily karma exists, and some other amusing vandal has added...

"for being raped the most."



Thats my B3ta cherry popped.
(kinky jon, Sun 6 May 2007, 19:23, Reply)

Chumsferd Wit
At the turn of the last milennium, the collective arsegravy/cuntmustard mix that is Chumsferd Borough Council decided to knock down the lovely old higgledy piggledy 5 storey mediaval building that housed the last independent department store on the High Street.

As they built the brutalist glass abomination that was to replace it and become and 'H&M' shop boards were erected (lol) around it which read the large inscription "W_hat's _issing in Chelmsford?'

Of course the missing letters were an 'h' and an 'm', cleverly done so allude to the hysterical unwashed that populate teh aforementioned shitehole the name of the boutique they were to establish on said site.

Instead of whipping the spot faced bow legged troglodytes of the town into an anticipatory frenzy, some wit had scrawled with a marker pen a 'p' in the space before 'issing' on the board.

Work out what it read you tool
(Papa Chocolat, Sun 6 May 2007, 19:10, Reply)

On the white door of a scout hut near my mum's house
...which was frequently repainted and re-scribbled on by kids with marker pens, there was a thoughtful little diatribe:

"You stupid fucks. Why dont (sic) you just paint it black then noone can draw on it?"

And underneath, in the same writing...

"Well I suppose they could use tippex but that is less available (sic)"
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 6 May 2007, 18:57, Reply)

Ah happy days
In the days when I worked for RR there was a serious divide between "staff" and "works".
It was considered the height of japert to go into the staff toilets and graffiti.
Best one I saw read "If you are finding it hard to shit, try squeezing your head".
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 6 May 2007, 18:52, Reply)

Robin?

( nicotineman, Sun 6 May 2007, 18:18, Reply)

Inside a toilet cubicle, in the chemistry department at Liverpool University:
"Dr. Smith is a scrotum-scratching, finger-up-the-arsehole wanker."

...to which someone had replied...

"With three hands?"
( giant_squid, Sun 6 May 2007, 17:41, Reply)

Oh, and...
In my GCSEs I added a small tombstone to the desk I was failing Geography at. It read "RIP Self-Respect".

I was emo before we'd even heard of emo, my friends (this is about six years ago).

Still no apologies.
(rob_187 Ooh, Faye Dunaway!, Sun 6 May 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Inside a toilet cubicle, of course
A line of arrows curving down from head level, forwards to seat level, leading to the scrawled phrase:

"Congratulations - you are now shitting at an angle of 90 degrees!"
( giant_squid, Sun 6 May 2007, 17:37, Reply)

I liked this
Somewhat surreal


(driverchris, Sun 6 May 2007, 17:26, Reply)

Family arguements!
Seen in the gents at my local in 2 different writing styles:


I Fucked your mum!


Go home Dad, you're drunk


Edit: I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was so widespread!
(bill, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Not the best, but maybe the most stupid...
I was in a proper scrubber pub in Dudley last night, and in the ladies loos there on the toilet door in mossiv letters was carved -"Big up the BMP".

I gazed for a couple of seconds wondering if it was a scrubber's dyslexic cockup, some underground cult or an obscure opposition to .jpegs.
(Hanargh, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:48, Reply)

Edinb3ta bash from a couple of years back,
myself, and some intrepid B3tans went up that big fucking hill in Edinburgh to the monument thats on top of it:



where we proceeded to doodle all over it in chalk. I did a big B3ta logo, and others did CDC's. Ahhh, happy days.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 6 May 2007, 16:46, Reply)

On the cashpoint van at Download last year
'O RLY?'

'YA RLY!'
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:44, Reply)

Not mine, but Ross Noble's...
Laughed my head off when I heard this. He claims the best bit of graffiti ever was in a copy of the Bible he had found. Some wit had written on the front page,

"All the best. Love God."

Amazing
(Hammer Time, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I just remembered another one...
holy crap, I'm gonna do loads of these.
In Coventry, the sign for the canal basin is often defaced so it reads: ANAL SIN
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Lecture room in Durham
At the back there's the old classic "I've shagged your mum".

Underneath lies the best retort ever: "Go home Dad, you're drunk"
(Hammer Time, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Oh, and some more school ones
Someone had defiled a copy of the bible by writing 'by Charles Dickens' underneath the title. Especially good as it deeply upset our holier-than-thou RE teacher.

Also, some of you may be familiar with those little sheets stuck in the front of text books issued by schools with 'name', 'date issued', 'date returned' and 'condition' columns on. These obviously led to many wittisicms, but by far the best was George Cathcart, who had gone through every book on the shelf in the maths room (and there were many) and written 'ominous' under the condition. Every single one. It must have taken ages.

I never actually met this fellow, probably because he's left before I'd arrived, but if I ever do, I will shake him by the hand.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:35, Reply)

probably much better graffiti elsewhere...
...and I should know, being a similar artist of the 'cheeky cunt' variety, but on the wall of a lawyer's office a couple of doors away from me is spray painted "POO" in big letters, makes me chuckle every day on my way home. Whoever did it went over it three times as well, maybe to give it a sort of 3d-layery effect.

hehehe....'poo'... yeah I'm sad.
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:31, Reply)

In Oxford, of course
written in chalk on the side of one of the old colleges; "Capitalism is boring". Best argument against it I've heard.

Also in Oxford, in the toilets of The Zodiac, written on a condom machine; "Insert baby for refund".
(sqrrl101, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:27, Reply)

on
a lampost at the end of my road, at head height is the word "BOO" neatly written in tippex. Something about its air of innocent mischief makes me chuckle.
( octopus footwear raaa, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Damn, here I go again
Seen yesterday in a small village near Newbury, outside a house having some work done to it:

"Hutt Contractors Ltd (01635) xxxxxx"

Next time I'm up there I may well add

"Ask for Jabba".
(rogerzilla, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:13, Reply)

Omg, Just Remembered This Classic!
While I Was Bored, I Wrote In A Maths Lesson "Homoesexuals Are Gay" On A Desk... Laugh At The Back There.

Anyway, Came Back Next Week, Someone Had Written A Line To It, Stated "Nah, You Are Gay". Someone Else Subquencially Wrote A Line For That Going "Your Mum's Gay", And A Line From That Saying "Your Both Gay", And A Line From That Saying "Whats This Got To Do With You?" With A Reply Of "Shut Up Ya Gay Bastard" With More Insults After That With Finally A Massive Circle Around All Messages With Big Letters At The Top "You're All Gay".

I Was Crying With Laughter When I Saw What I Had Created... These People Annoymously Aruging Were Probably Best Mates Too!

It Was Like Internet Message Boards Before They Were Invented...
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:10, Reply)

A big, spurting magenta cock
With "B3TA.COM" written beneath.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sun 6 May 2007, 16:07, Reply)

couple of my favourites...
Work Bogs: "SCOUSERS ARE THE BEST" (with the a small arrow pointing to it with the words saying "scum.")

School Bogs: "Mr. Walton's Mustache Looks Like A Worm On His Face" (And A Picture Of The Aforementioned Mr. Walton)

Not Me, But My Grandad Went Into A Bogs With Lots On The Door & Someone Had Wrote Right In The Middle: "To All Staff, Welcome To Our Christmas Announcements"

Toilet Door Of A Club: "Good Shit?" - I Think I Liked It As It's Not Often You See Graffti Intrested In You

I'll Probably Think Of Some More Later.

(First Post! [Exception Of My Idea Of QOTW])
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Sun 6 May 2007, 15:58, Reply)