Chat rooms
Going on chatrooms with a particularly female-sounding name, and then getting a phone number ostensibly for phone sex from guy A. Give this number to guy B, give B's number to C, and so on...

Or, alternatively, get a guys phone number and message it to about 50 guys wanting phonesex with this "lady". One guy apparently got close to 50 calls and had to turn off his phone when I did that to him. Another fun game is to try and see how many times you can give a guy other guys' phone numbers without losing the image.

It's utterly fantastic; if you give out your mobile number indiscriminately on the net to total strangers, don't be surprised if some of those strangers turn out to be bored students looking to have a great laugh at others' expense when mildly tipsy late at night.
(Le Misanthrope last procrastinated on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 8:13, Reply)

Tortoises
Living in hot and sunny part of the world - tortoises are everywhere.
In the spring time I like to hide in the bushes and watch them shagging.
The most amusing part of it all is how the male groans and gets all excited (like an old man phwapping away to Hetty Wainthrop)
(Amanda Votchkiss is suffering from a touch of plague, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 7:34, 1 reply)

cotton buds
I buy huge, huge bags of cotton buds, and pull off the wooly bits, and chew on the resultant plastic sticks.

While listening to possibly the greatest band in existence. The B-52's.

But it wasn't a rock, it was a ROCK LOBSTER!
(aarghapanda, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 6:51, Reply)

3D Studio Max
I use this great 3D application in work.

Whenever it crashes (a few times a day - you can lose a couple of hour's worth of work on occasion), it brings up a 'what were you doing when this crashed'. Instead of writing a helpful comment on what you were actually doing, which would help to resolve the problem in future updates, I write things like:

-SORT THIS OUT YOU STUPID TWATS!!!
-I'VE JUST LOST TWO HOURS OF WORK, YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS CUNTS!
-FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Nibi, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 2:29, 1 reply)

Google Earth
I sometimes like to load up google earth and scroll to follow the road I take from work to home, and then from home to my girlfriends.

I also go to locations where I first met my past girlfriends, and try to remember stuff.
(Nibi, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 2:20, 4 replies)

The opportunity doesn't arise that often
A few circumstances need to come together for this one, which I've experienced twice in my life, but on both occasions filled me with unholy glee.

1) I need to have a seat on a train that has no other seats available, but where there's still plenty of standing space.
2) A parent needs to come in with a young child (old enough to walk, young enough to be ickle), and both must have to stand because all the seats are full.

I will offer my seat to the child, as in general parents are more concerned about their kid's comfort than their own. As they reach their destination they normally head towards the door, standing up a minute before the doors open.

My guilty pleasure is timing a smile and a wave at the little kid just before the train starts braking. As they wave back they take their hands off the handrail, and if my luck holds the deceleration of the train makes them land flat on their face.
(I grew it myself, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 2:17, Reply)

Maps
When I get bored and I have a pen and paper I like to draw maps; not the "x marks the spot" sort, more like made up ordanance survey maps with the symbols, gradients etc.

Railway lines, roads, motorways (one with a contra-flow system!!) stations, buildings; nothing is left out. It could be a rural hamlet or a whole city - nothing is beyond my reach! I find it very theraputic!! Although after drawing a massive railway station akin to Crewe on my meeting notes in the last staff meeting, I had realised that I should pay more attention in future!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Mon 17 Mar 2008, 2:16, 3 replies)

high level snooping...
Not that long ago I lined up a job for my work, and the boss fucked it up, losing us the contract.

So, in the interests of collecting incriminating evidence I 'hacked' his email (not very hard as the network/server/everything with more than 2 blinky lights is in my job description to maintain- essentially I 'own' the network) and didn't find anything, but found an entire folder of emails from his girlfriends detailing how much pain they'd like to inflict on him.

I've been reading this for weeks now, on the sly... it's better than a soap!

And makes me feel all smug and superior, as it justifies my belief that I am, in fact better than him...
(pizzaforcat ate some cement and HARDENED the FUCK UP on, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 1:35, Reply)

Eating condiments
out the jar, when no one is looking :)

...i even eat marmite

OH! and drinking milk or juice out of the carton. Thats always good
(biggiantmat, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 1:29, Reply)

Accents
My mate and I were in the pub last week, and whenever we were at the bar together, we pretended to hold a conversation in quasi-foreign bollocks. A bit like Papa Lazarous from LoG speaks, but with more nuances like a regular language.

Then ordering drinks in a normal local accent, then carrying on in foreignese.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 1:15, 2 replies)

Cunt...

I love this word. I also listen to Derek & Clive far too often, I wonder if they could be linked...
(fibonacci_cunt cunt, cunt, cuntcunt, cuntcuntcunt,..., Mon 17 Mar 2008, 0:33, 3 replies)

Long piss
I, whilst having a wee, enjoy gradually moving further and further backwards to see how far I can hit the toilet from.

However, I've been doing it a lot less recently after my flatmate walked in on me, and I got piss all over my jeans. And a little bit on her.

Sorry Ash.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 0:22, 1 reply)

lying to people
i wouldnt normally do this but when you are drunk and you know you will never see the person you are talking to again, its fun to see how much rubbish you can tell them before they twig and walk away.

i have managed to convince a male friend that women also can grow facial hair but do not need to shave as often as men.

if you are that gullible, you deserve to be lied to.
(ladyintheradiator, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 23:36, 2 replies)

I can't think of anything to put here
Singing really loudly (and badly) while hoovering.
The hoover noise covers the sound of me singing, so I can proper go for it.
Recent hoover singing hits include Type O Negative, A perfect Circle and Skunk Anansie.

*turns hoover on "WAAAAAUUUUUUOOOOOWOOOWOOOWOW"
edit: double points for anyone who can name the song I was singing above!
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 23:17, 19 replies)

Billowing in the wind
I have a particular vice, and that is jackets and coats. I have several cluttering up our flat - I'm the Imelda Marcos of impractical outerwear. Denim jacket - check. Fleeces - check. Sheepskin 'Biggles' type coat - check. Not to mention the two velvet jackets, brown PVC jacket that looks like leather but isn't, brown studenty-type jacket, black padded warm as toast job, big thick duvet style winter coat, three quarter length thin as fuck but incredibly cool jacket.., I did have a rather splendid mandarin style leather jacket, but it got ripped and I've misplaced it - it's around somewhere.

However, my big vice is long coats. I went to Thailand a few years ago and had one made - a full length job in grey, with burgundy lapels and lining. It's lovely. But my favourite is the full length leather job (and it fulfills the Spike fantasies of the sweary one, so added bonus). But my guilty pleasure when wearing it is this...

On windy days, with said coat worn, the effect of it billowing around me is that it makes me feel like some kind of superhero. A dark avenger, minus the utility belt...

I fucking love it!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 16 Mar 2008, 23:16, 4 replies)

When writing essays/reviews/articles...
...or anything that will be seen by someone else, I like to add things in that really shouldnt be there, just to see if anyone notices and asks about it.
eg. when writing reviews of bands for the uni rag, making up names of other bands/genres so I sound like I know about loads of obscure clever stuff.
" Crappylocalband peddle a kind of 80's quasi-thrashcore slodge combined with riffs pillaged from the tomb of underground space-indie kings The Monkey Mugs..." etc.

Using words and phrases that are just plain odd/hardly used anymore, such as "festooned" and "nay"
or my favourite, sadly not originally by me: "Mystical slippers of sporting prowess" describing nike trainers.

Also managing to squeeze as much porn into Powerpoint presentations at uni. This has included photos of anonymous tits covered in spooge and vintage gay cowboy porn.
Go me.
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 23:03, 2 replies)

I like to pretend that I've won
the Nobel prize and make up a pious little speech about how I was only one very small part of something much bigger than myself and the credit should go to my tireless graduate students etc...

I'd put money on the possibility that my boss does the same thing. The only difference being it's not a huge stretch to think that he might need his speech in 20 years, I on the other hand, will not.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 23:03, 2 replies)

Not sure I feel guilty, but its rather pathetic...
Watching tv late at night when 'deaf tv' (or whatever its called) comes on, just regular shows, but with a little person greenscreened in the bottom right corner, miming all the words.
Not just watching it, but pretending they are a character in the show. Works especially well with Space 1999, they point at stuff in the sky a lot.

"We can't dock here, captain!"
"Whyever not, lieutenant?"
"Look!" *points to little deaf guy in the sky*
"My god!!"
etc.
Watch out for the guy in the bright purple shirt with these fucking huge massive hands. Is that like he's shouting in sign language or what?
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 22:52, 2 replies)

Chatrooms
Pretending to be someone I'm not (i.e. a 14yr old girl or something), then scaring the shit out of creepy old blokes in the USA by pretending to be that 14 yr olds DAD who is an IT guru and has traced their IP and has called the cops.

Oh what fun!

Hmm, maybe this should have been on the nerd question!
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 22:07, Reply)

cerebral crosswiring
I'm a synaestehetic, which means the sensory receptors in my brain are crosswrired so that I feel sounds, smell tastes and hear sensations etc. Many people experience this to some minor degree (you feel that Wednesdays are purple, for example) but I'm a medically-certified sufferer.

It was most extreme when I was a kid, and it allowed me more than a few secret pleasures. Listening to ABC's "The Look of Love" generated a powerful sensation of chocolate in my mouth, while eating actual chocolate altered my vision in much the same way as LSD might. If I ran my hand over the cat, I'd hear birdsong. It was fun experimenting.

The best experience of those times was my brief relationship with Deborah de Angelo. The phonetics of her name brought whisky to my tongue; her blonde hair made me hear cellos; her green cardigan caused a raging boner, and the sensation of her busy mouth upon my swollen helmet made me taste a full English breakfast.

Those days are over. With medication, my only pleasure these days is retiring to bed with a cowbell, mint humbugs and Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" - all of which, in combination, conspire to bring about the sensation of a hamster up my anus.
(frankspencer, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 20:56, 9 replies)

Sometimes
When I am on my own and talking to people I will never talk to again (eg. a shop assistant in a shop I rarely visit, or a ticket inspector on a train) I put on a fake American accent for no good reason.

I'm from Yorkshire.
(Northern Lovely, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 20:35, 3 replies)

teehee
once i played call of duty 4 on ps3 for 11 hours straight from 6 oclock until 5am.


not much of a geek eh?
( Nathanial Hornblower, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 19:44, 3 replies)

On long motorway journies
My friends and I like to play the 'hot cold game'.

Basically, you wind down all the windows and take off as many clothes as possible, so you get really cold.

Then, you put all your clothes back on, close the windows and turn the heating up so you get really hot. Lather, rinse and repeat.

There is entirely no point to this.

edit: I've just been informed that I got this the wrong way round, and you in fact start with getting really hot. This makes it a lot better, apparently.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 19:01, 1 reply)

Arf!
Not so much a pleasure......... I had a particularly heavy evening last night, which has left my guts in a tender state. Although it was not in the slightest bit enjoyable, catching sight of myself waddling to the toilet having discovered that it wasn't a fart I needed made me laugh so hard I nearly did it again.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 18:51, 2 replies)

Teletext
I'm addicted to reading the letters pages on Teletext, be it the sport section, or TV, Music etc etc.I like the fact that people get irrate over anothers comments, and will take time to reply.

However, this addiction has grown somewhat since I have started texting in 'fake' opinions, juts to wind people up. On the music letters page recently, there was a debate over who is the greatest drummer that ever lived.

All the usual suspects were put forward, and I was beginning to get fed up with the lack of anger being shown, everyone was agreeing with one another. I decided to text in a comment of my own. It read something along the lines of "Surely Norman Cook, aka Fatboy Slim, is the best drummer ever - some of his breakbeats are out of this world". People actually took time to respond.I laughed to myself.

And my guilty pleasure carries on; I text in pointless messages at least twice a week to Teletext hoping they get shown on the letters page, and in turn generate angry responses. It's the first thing I look at when I get in from work.

Try it.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 18:25, 5 replies)

Nuuurgh
When nobody is around, my brother and I really enjoy having pretend spacker fights.

Basically scream *nuuurgh* and slap your opponent with floppy arms, and possibly shoes if easily to hand.

It's very reminiscent of the special kids at school in the changing rooms after games.
(Merrep, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 18:12, Reply)

for your viewing pleasure
Sometimes I like to walk around my house and pretend I'm on Cribs, right down to opening the fridge and taking out some novelty sauce and going in to my bedroom and saying that it's 'where the magic happens'

first post!
length...I try to make the full tour last a good fifteen minutes.
(razz save the drama for your mama, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 16:42, Reply)