All the old favourites, really
I do love a good dig for green gold up my nasal cavity. Whenever I'm on the loo, or in bed, I'll stick the finger up there and have a lovely dig. Like someone else said, the feeling of yanking a biggie up from right up there is unsurpassed, sheer bliss.
I like the occasional wank in the bathroom sink, and Nigella Lawson. Sometimes I combine the two, that's lovely
Rihanna. The music and her, by god I'd like a ride on that
Quick thought, does anyone else have one specific finger hey use for nosepicking? For me it's the left index, but I've seen people using their little fingers, ring finges, never the middle finger (too girthsome)


Be nice ya'll, I'm new (longtime lurker)
(SoneMe, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 16:22, Reply)

Three words...
Viking folk metal.
(Dok Zombie Cash, gash, pie and mash., Sun 16 Mar 2008, 16:06, 1 reply)

Smug Cow...
I take enourmous pleasure in driving at the speed limit and watching the driver behind me mere moments away from a rage induced stroke.

(Except, of course, on the motorway where it is every man for himself)

I also do it to save on fuel, it's stunning how much you can save if you don't drive like a wanker.
(Beejster, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:55, 5 replies)

Guilty
I've written to the singer out of Ultravox if he wants to re-enact that scene from Goldfinger where the woman dies after being painted gold, but mix the gold paint with furniture polish.

That way I can have my own gilty Pledge Ure.


I'll get my coat, you complete set of bastards, ye.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:51, 1 reply)

It's all coming to the surface....
Lumps of ice at the side of the road after the snow plough has cleared it make excellent spacecraft. I still find myself in winter, booting them along the road and saying internally "We're breaking up!" *boot* "Argh there go the starboard thrusters!" *boot* Also, if you screw up your eyes, it looks like street lights are shooting lasers at you. I'm 30. Form an orderly queue, ladies.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:47, 1 reply)

I find it funny
Whenever someone asks me for something and its within throwable distance, I throw it. But no directly at them. Everything ends up 2 feet short. Its hilarious watching someone scramble to catch something thats not catchable. After a few times they WILL catch on though. NO PROBLEM, simply throw said object two feet over their heads.
I thank you
(astrosinmyeyes is hoping Manson is released before, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:45, Reply)

Oh yeah......
Not done this for ages, but a few years back, each night after dutifully walking my g/f home, I would speedwalk home, timing myself on my watch, and frantically commentate my epic world record attempt in my head. The trick was to walk fast, but not so fast that I looked like the weirdo that I obviously am.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:36, 1 reply)

I am sure
that someone, somewhere, when they saw this qotw thought "2 girls 1 cup". Me myself, I have several less disturbing guilty pleasures. For a start, I'm still in bed and it's half 2. Chewing a ring pull to pieces makes me feel really manly, except when it goes wrong and I get a sharp piece of metal clamped through my cheek. My own aromas take up a staggering amount of my attention when I'm laying in bed. I talk to myself aloud pretty much constantly. I find Ruby Wax strangely attractive (oh God). I bought a warhammer game for my pc last year, but realised the part I really enjoy is painting the wee men. I used to spit on my ex's boyfriends windscreen every day...... I realise that's childish but it felt great! I secretly watch kids programmes and it makes me feel like a kid again, especially Pocoyo. Other than that, I'm really quite normal. Ish.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

While out with the dwarf last night
I indulged in one of my favourite guilty pleasures; looking at entertaining shop signs.

This has us giggling a whole day later.


( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sun 16 Mar 2008, 14:41, 2 replies)

Oh yeah and...
Searching for myself on Myspace then reading my own profile as if I am a total stranger.

Honestly, when the internet is providing no entertainment I can do this up to 3 times in an hour.

Self-stalking, it's the way forward.
(Dok Zombie Cash, gash, pie and mash., Sun 16 Mar 2008, 14:20, 1 reply)

pee
even tho i live in a house with a toilet on each floor (3 of them) nothing beats the sastifcation of getting up to the small slat window and taking a pee out of it
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 14:11, Reply)

Evel Keneval....
Since I was a little boy, whenever I'm on a train journey I look out of the window and imagine a motorcyclist trying to drive alongside the train, using ramps to leap roads, and maybe its about time he crashed in a blazing heap and I bought myself an MP4 player.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Sun 16 Mar 2008, 13:45, 13 replies)

On company time...
Nothing beats waiting till your lunchbreak ends, clocking out, then settling down for a nice relaxing poo. Enjoying the communal graffiti wall the supermarket staff bogs; the equivalent of online message boards.

All the time knowing you are being paid to be there.
(Dok Zombie Cash, gash, pie and mash., Sun 16 Mar 2008, 13:31, Reply)

BMW
I take great delight in adhering to speed limits, driving carefully, being courteous to other road users and generally being nice to all and sundry.

This however seems to send some other drivers utterly tits as they can't seem to equate "normal driver" with "BMW". Fuck em.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 13:09, 1 reply)

Lying under a glass coffee table..
... whilst a close personal friend of the female gender lays a long smelly cable on the highly polished glass above.

Better than a trip to the theatre that one.
(Vic Flange, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 12:38, 2 replies)

In which Chickenlady had an adventure.
Some years ago I had the opportunity to take part in something which can only be described as a truly Guilty Pleasure….

I went out with a good friend of mine one evening. The plan was to meet up with her sister and have a few drinks and a laugh, maybe even go clubbing.

I went over to Karin’s house and from there we were getting a taxi. In the taxi I began to worry about my shoes – I didn’t normally wear five inch stilettos, but they looked great.

We stopped outside a loud and busy bar, Karin paid the taxi. ‘I’ll get the first drink then’ I said to her.
‘Oh, you’re fine, don’t worry about it. Jen will get the drinks – she’s always loaded.’

Karin had told me about her sister Jen - she had some hot-shot job in London working for a glossy magazine. She lived the real Briget Jones life but seemed to have the whole boyfriend thing sorted too, ‘He’s some Hedge-fund guru’ Karin had said, ‘Gives Jen an allowance each month. No idea why; he’s not married to her, but I would guess that the sex is good, knowing Jen.’ I hadn’t yet met Jen but was already frightened of her.

We pushed open the doors to the place, smiled at the large bouncers and headed for the bar. It was packed, loud, and hot. I followed Karin and tried to ignore the trickle of sweat down my back. I wanted to look as if I belonged here, in this bar full of young women in their early twenties who held down interesting careers and had every man in here waiting for a look or even a word from them.

Karin was kissing a small, birdlike woman who had long brown hair flowing over her shoulders, Jen. They both turned and looked towards me. Jen smiled shyly and asked me what I’d like to drink. She had a husky voice and winked when she mentioned champagne. I was feeling more uncomfortable with these two elegant women – I was more used to washing up and doing the vacuuming.

I stood next to the glass topped bar and tried to look nonchalant as I scanned the room. It was full of city boys and their girlfriends – everyone looked as if they shopped in designer places and didn’t have to max out their credit card just to get a nice skirt. I knocked back the wine. Karin and Jen were still catching up with each other; Jen had some tale to tell about her boyfriend and Karin was laughing loudly. The bottom of my glass was the most interesting place I had ever seen, Jen noticed, ‘I’m so sorry, we’ve been ignoring you – that’s not fair. I’ll get you another wine.’ I began to worry about how much wine I was drinking. The room was feeling hotter, ‘Um, excuse me; I need to find the loos.’ I muttered and started to stand. Jen jumped up, ‘I’ll show you, I need to go anyway.’

Jen led the way to the ladies and then stood back at the door to let me go first. I joined the queue and waited, wondering what to say to Jen.

A cubicle opened, I went in and Jen was right behind, ‘It’ll save time if we both go in together, okay?’
‘Oh. Um. Right.’

Dear God, what was going on? I had never, ever been in the loos with a girlfriend; this was just plain bizarre; I wasn’t a teenager and now I had to pee in front of this woman I barely knew. I could do this, I thought, it was nothing, I was a grown-up, this was no big deal, just pee and keep looking down, avoid any eye contact and perhaps she’ll turn away.

Jen stood with her back to the locked door, ‘Your hair is a really lovely colour, who does it? I’m always on the lookout for a new colourist’ She leaned forward and touched me, ‘It suits you.’

I looked down, I really needed to pee. I started to push my skirt up and was pleased I’d decided to wear stockings; the satin lining of my tight skirt moved easily against the nylon, but I had to tug a little when it reached the top of my thighs where the skin was warm and damp. Quickly I pulled down my knickers and had the relief of pissing, at last. ‘Tissue?’ Jen was holding a wad of paper out. ‘Oh, um, thanks’

This was embarrassing. I was going to make sure I turned around when Jen went, despite Jen having no problems with watching me pee.

I pulled up my knickers, smoothed down my skirt and started to change places with Jen. I slid around behind her and was facing the door when she put her hands on my waist and whispered into my hair, ‘Turn around’ Slowly I did and then very lightly Jen kissed me, her pillar box red lipstick sliding against my nude beige. I gasped and pulled back, ‘Jen, what the-’
‘What? Never been kissed by another woman?’ Jen tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and looked at me intently.
‘No, I haven’t and I’m not a lesbian’ I replied rather primly. Jen laughed and then undid the top button of my blouse. Again I gasped and realised that my nipples were hard and I was turned on - by a woman, and a woman I’d only just met. Jen undid another button and then slipped her small hand into my bra. It was cool, her fingers found and squeezed my left nipple. I felt a shudder of warm desire run up and down my spine and I knew that my face and chest would be flushed in a give away sign of how horny this was making me. ‘See, it’s nice, isn’t it?’ Jen looked me in the eye again and then lifted my breast out of my bra. She bent her head and took my nipple into her mouth. Her lips and tongue were hot and gentle as she sucked and lightly bit. I fell back against the door and moaned, my hand went up to my mouth and I sunk my teeth into the knuckle. Jen laughed quietly, ‘You never realised how good it can be with a woman?’ She lifted her head to kiss me again and I could see my breast was smeared with scarlet lipstick.

Now when Jen kissed me it was harder, more insistent; teeth grazing lips and tongue exploring my mouth and this time I was kissing back. Jen’s hand went back to my nipple and then her other slipped down the side of my skirt. ‘Jen, I…’
‘Relax, you’ll enjoy it.’ Jen’s hands were sliding my skirt over my thighs and up to my waist; she ran her hands along my stockings and up to my knickers, cupping my arse in her hands. I was lost, my breathing was ragged and irregular and waves of heat were pulsing deep within me.

She pulled my black knickers down and then told me to step out of them, her eyes were dark and she was breathing heavily too. ‘Lift your foot so I can see you properly.’ She dropped the loo seat down and sat back, took my black stiletto heeled foot in her hand and placed it next to her own thigh. She ran her fingertips around the heel of my shoe and then trailed them up my calf, thigh and slowly stopped at the top of my stocking and looked up again, ‘You do it. Let me see how you make yourself come.’ I couldn’t stop now, even if I had wanted to, so I slipped my hand down and felt my almost bare pussy. Jen’s hands moved up higher and touched the sensitive shaved mound; ‘I like it tidy, smooth. But I like it better wet.’ With her fingertips she gently opened my warm moist slit and leaned forward, dipping her tongue into me. I groaned and pushed my fingers towards my clit but Jen took them into her mouth and sucked them while she slipped two fingers deep inside and started to grind her thumb against me. I was wet, hot and throbbing and beginning to come; I was breathing in short, sharp intakes and could feel myself getting higher and higher. Jen stopped sucking my fingers, pulled me down and I started to come as she kissed me and fucked me hard with her fingers. I could hear loud groans and realised they were my own as we finally pulled apart. Jen slipped her fingers out of me and sucked on them.

My breathing was beginning to return to normal and I felt good, ‘My knickers?’ Jen had picked them up; she stepped into them and slowly lifted her skirt up to show me how she was completely naked and shaved. She slid my knickers on and pulled them tight around her pussy, then gently rubbed herself through the lace, ‘Now I can feel what you felt, and I can keep your smell with me.’ Jen dropped her skirt back down. I adjusted my clothes and took a deep breath, ‘Will Karin have missed us?’
‘Oh god no! She’s probably in the men’s rodgering that pretty boy from the bar.’ she laughed and then kissed me again, more gently this time, ‘You’re lovely and I’m pleased I’m your first.’



The most guilty part of this pleasure? Knowing that some readers will take this entirely as the truth….but those of you who know me…..washing up and vacuuming? Me? Please.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 12:34, 21 replies)

Happiness is a fertile imagination
I'm a fairly tit oriented chap (as are many of us) and as we all know the skill of keeping eye contact is a long and painful learning experience. Working in an office environment means having to be extra vigilant that the eyeballs don't wander too far or you're in for a rep as a perve (or worse, quality time with HR).
So, my guilty pleasure? After a meeting or chat with some lovely lady, having kept eye contact the whole time and just the odd furtive glance at the cleavage while her eyes are elsewhere, it's off to the bogs for a quality shuffle. Pick a fantasy (the old "drunk pickup at the office xmas bash" is a favourite) and with the image (and if you're lucky scent) still fresh in your memory, pull yourself off to a happy end. Back to the desk then, satisfied and relaxed.

Another one that qualifies is lift farts. Rather disgusting I know but so much fun. Mostly only to be enjoyed in empty lifts as you need iron control or mega brass neck to rattle one off in a packed lift. When empty, stand at the back and as you decelerate to the correct floor let it rip. Don't move for a second then slooooowly out the door trying to make sure you don't waft too much with you. Bon Appitite for the next one in...

There's more like imagining kicking the crap out of the bastards who sit and sniff for half an hour in the train rather than use a hanky. Or the undressing game on the train (no direct staring remember, for personal amusement not to unsettle people), pick n mix nipple colours/sizes and pube hair. Tip: stop playing this game well before your stop 8)

The person who had the cats belly smell - I can only agree wholeheartedly. While it's not very macho there are few things that smell better than a clean, warm cats tummy in the sunshine. When they've been in the freshly dried washing is also pretty good though. Get the cat to roll over and bury your face in tummy fur (pick a placid cat ;) ) - warm, live fur is sooooo good.

Edit: Edz314, absolutely right. A guilty pleasure is something personal.
(Confused_Pedant, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 12:18, Reply)

BT
In fairness to BT, their Preference Service is an excellent way of getting rid of tiresome, unwanted sales calls. But I'm sure we all remember the days when BT were the worst offenders. You'd be sitting down to eat/watch your favourite TV programme, and the phone would ring. Someone with an incomprehensible accent would try to sell you a new BT package that was indistinguishable from the one you already had, and you needed the eloquence of a QC to extricate yourself from the conversation.

Well, I used to get a kick out of doing the following:

Ring ring.
Me: Hallo?
BT caller: Can I speak to Eesnahk please?
Me: Speaking.
BT: This is XXX from BT. Are you aware of our new package...
Me: Look, sorry to interrupt but I'm so glad you called. You see I keep getting these nuisance calls and I'm at my wits' end. It's really bugging me. What can I do?
BT: The best thing is to put the receiver down gently, wait ten minutes and hang up.

So that is what I would do.
(eesnahk, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 12:15, 1 reply)

Seems to be some basic confusion
Guilty pleasures (the rest of the universe)
Some activity or practice which you find innocent-ish pleasure but which might invite wry comment or speculation from others.

Guilty pleasures (50% of b3ta retards)
Being a cunt to other people, generally for no fucking reason than your own warped self importance. Alas not enough tales of karmic re-ordering or nemesis to balance the avalanche of juvenile "I love being a cunt me, aren’t I cool?" tales.
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 12:07, 2 replies)

Honk if you're horny
My favourite guilty pleasure is basically to beep at anyone and everyone I see.

Old ladies at a bus stop, cyclists, a gang of chavs, anyone really. Then watching them either look round fucking confused or waving back at me. Brings me joy all the time.

My favourite of all time is when you beep and someone waves and then thinks "Hang on...I don't know them..." and looks confused as hell.

Try it. It's rather good!
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:57, 2 replies)

Teh kittensh
I have spent an entire evening looking at www.kittenwar.com

..illegal subtances may have been involved.
(teddyj, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:57, Reply)

Wee wee
I love to wee in public. Nothing beats taking a hot steaming slash in a doorway, or a beer-reliever off the kerb. Great. Last night I was pissed and went for a wee into a drain by the pavement.



I feel awkward now.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:51, 1 reply)

First time flyers
I love going on holiday with people who are flying for their first time and tricking them into thinking odd things about the flight they are about to go on... one example is when me and a friend were about to go through the metal detector. I told her she had to remove EVERY piece of metal, no matter how small, including her glasses which she is almost blind without. It was kinda funny to watch her stumble around a bit...until she realised I was having her on and hit me several times. The bruises were worth it though :P
( Mellicious is made of candy, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:49, Reply)

MILFs
Oh yes.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:29, 4 replies)

no responsiblity
my darling wife and children are away fro a week. i dropped them at the train station at 8 this morning

now i'm sat around in my underwear, necking pints of cider, listening to jonny cash at full volume

i might watch rambo; first blood in a bit

then i might go and watch the live wresting in town tonight, when i'm totally shitfaced

and cheer the baddies
(globalloon, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:04, 6 replies)

How to: Restore your will to live whilst doing the weekly shop.

When i'm bored in tesco I pick up something like Nuts or Zoo magazine (any soft core porn will do) and wait until I see a mother and son shopping, (this works best when the son is about 9-12)then wait until they are both distracted and dump the mag into their trolley, the mum notices the naughty mag and thinks her son put it in, then i sit back and enjoy the telling off/arkward conversation that follows.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 11:00, 2 replies)

nothing is better...
than a plate piled high with hot buttery toast (real butter, none of that fake stuff) accompanied by a huge mug of strong steaming tea with an enormous dollop of teeth-tinglingly sweet condensed milk. comfort food of the highest order.

i'll also admit to keeping a sudoku book next to the bog to keep me company for the morning meditations.

perhaps the most shameful of all - despite having new order and joy division as the ring/message tones on my mobile, only my bestest friends know of my addiction to 'rhinestone cowboy - the best of glen campbell'...
(chameleon61, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 10:29, 9 replies)

Swearing at kids and getting kids in trouble. (not my own kids of course;)
1. Swearing and Supermarkets:
don't you just love those parents that let their kids run amok in a supermarket whilst they are in another aisle trying to find the cheapest shit they can?
If these kids even come close to getting in my way I like to say something along the lines of "Fuck off out of my way you little fucking brat. And put that shit back on the fucking shelves where you found it!"
I have found that they usually dont say anything to their parents as they think they would get in trouble. It makes me feel even better If I catch them with their parents in another aisle later on so I can pull faces at them.

2. Kids in cars & trouble:
Oh, this would have to be my favourite form of amusement on any journey. The best way to get the little blighters in trouble is at traffic lights. You need to be in the lane beside them and pull up so your window is directly opposite theirs (them being in the back seat of course). Pull a cheeky face at them, they will pull one back. Repeat this one or two more times progressing from cheeky to rude. Then poke up your middle finger at them, 9 times out of 10 they will do it back, sneaking it in so the parents do not notice. This is the tricky part.... you have to stick both of your middle fingers up at them and dance around a bit without getting their mothers/fathers attention. By this stage the kids are so into this face pulling rude gesture game they are playing they will try and out do you by pulling faces, dancing around, sticking their fingers up at you and acting like a right mong.
Naturally the previous actions cause the parents to notice as they are bouncing around like mongs on speed making rude gestures at strangers.
Result: "WWWWWWWHACK!"
Should you get caught looking by the parents simply give a WTF? look and look ahead again mouthing the words "fucking brats".
Extra points are awarded for being able to laugh at the kids once the parents have stopped beating them and are looking forward again.
This game can also be played when travelling behind a car with 3rd row seats and at the supermarket with kids in shopping trolleys.

Enjoy!
I do:)
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 10:03, 3 replies)

My mother was Catholic
so I don't have any other kind of pleasure.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 9:01, Reply)

The retard boy
For the kiwis and the ockers here. I have a slightly worn out dvd of seven periods with mr gormsby in my dvd player.

And iv met David Mcphail a few times

Screw poolitical correctness!!

And i cheered a couple of hours ago when watching the F1 when David Coulthard said "Ill kick the sh*it out of the little bastard" with reference to Fillipe Masse
(welgar, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 8:20, Reply)