"I'm getting my dippers"
The cat.story reminded me... Thanks =)

My brother's wife (mentioned in "meeting the parents" form years ago) has some cute habits...

My Brother once attempted to close his mouth after a happy yawn, and discovered that his wife's fingers were all in there.

Upon inquiring "What the Hell?"... she explained "I'm getting my dippers"...

"Wtf?"
"When you yawn I put one finger in, then twom then three.... this was the first time I got all in.. I didn't know what to do next... "

My Brother now yawns with one eye open.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:54, 1 reply)

Ever been to the loo and found small bits of rolled up paper on the floor?
It was me.

Here at work we have a really efficient extractor in the toilets. Each toilet has it's own room... not a cubicle.

Each door has a 1cm gap to allow fresh air under...

Each extractor fan is as far away from the door as possible, i.e. over you.

I once noted the swirling of a spider's web under the door. I decided, mid-turd, to explore this air current.

The goal is this: To hit the kick-plate on the bottom of the door with a well aimed throw, and to get the ball of bog-paper to return to you, assisted on the under-door breeze.

Over the years I can get fairly consistent results. Best results are gained when it is windy, with a pea-sized ball, perfectly round and totally dry. These have bounce.

Extra points for managing to throw the ball UNDER the door, and managing to get it to return under wind-power.

Truly an addictive game.


Apologies for posting a Nerd story... but it kind of is a guilty pleasure. People walk in after me and it looks as though I've savagely murdered a bean-bag.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:50, 2 replies)

Please tell me I'm not alone.
I like to smell a cat's breath whilst it's in mid yawn.

Another is to pretend I'm a lion tamer and put my finger in it's mouth whilst yawning and pulling it away before it closes.
.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:41, 2 replies)

watching
the O.C. with the missus then nipping upstairs for a quick shufty with the image of Rachel Bilson logged in the "W Drive".

(A variation of the old routine from years ago, except for missus, read family, The O.C. read byker Grove, and Rachel Bilson read Donna Air.)
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:16, Reply)

sharpening
a brand new pencil.

Bonus if you can do it in one piece, like my grandad used to peel apples.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Awful Pun
When we were younger we used to empty earl grey granules into the local trout farm, Once we were caught by the farms owner, we really got quite a bollocking, he told us of how he had to clean all the trout afterwards with a toothbrush as they were having trouble breathing, he begged us not to do it again. Looking back it was quite immature.

However his gill tea plea sure was funny
(Snuffy114 demands a cyber razor cut, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:06, 1 reply)

BGB's post below reminds me:
At four o'clock yesterday afternoon many of you lot were at work, slaving over a hot desk. Me? I was under the duvet, my hand in me knickers.

Pleasure? Oh yes, yes! YES!
Guilty? Only the slight worry that my flatmate could hear my screams of delight.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:05, 263 replies)

Volleying a spent piece of chewing gum
I do enjoy seeing how far I can volley a chewy after spitting it from my mouth.
(androoh, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:03, Reply)

Favorites are....
Going to bed on a Saturday afternoon and illicit liasons.

Yay! I'm back.
( girlinthehole, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:01, 10 replies)

I started a new job a few weeks ago
and after complaining about working with stupid people at the council for years, I'm now surrounded by IT geniuses.

My guilty pleasure was that I secretly enjoyed working with stupid people, it gave me a feeling of immense superiority.

*cries*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:00, Reply)

lol @ puns
I have a little collection of cheap jewellery from H Samuel.

Its not much, its just my gilted treasure.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:55, Reply)

Chuffing hell…

In my spare time I like to help broaden people’s education by being part of the 'Teacher Effectiveness Enhancement Programme' (TEEP)

I’m not on my own…Award winning professional watercolour artist Sheila Gill joins me on occasion – She, like me, thinks it’s very worthwhile cause.

In fact, you could say…I like to share her ‘Gill TEEP Leisure’

Or not.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:54, 5 replies)

pun alert
I always try to make a sneaky cuppa for my wife when she's not looking. Then I present it to her. It's my Guile Tea Pleasure.

*loads gun; spins cylinder*
(frankspencer, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:42, 1 reply)

Toilet Doors
Whenever I need a shit at work I always head to the downstairs toilets, they're the ones with just a door and a toilet/sink, kind of like a disabled toilet.

Just lately however I've found myself getting more and more annoyed at people who just push the door without looking first to see if its engaged, like a bright red sign is to difficult for them to understand, or maybe they do know and its their way of expressing their interest in using it, kind of like the poeple that sit outside payphones waiting for you to finish.

The way the lock is means the door moves about an inch before jamming closed, what I find myself doing nowadays is sitting there, trousers around my ankles, waiting for that exact moment someone goes to push the door and instead pulling it from my side.

I'm not sure why, part of me hopes that at the other side their just about to put all their weight on it, and by pulling it an inch in they might slip and break their wrist or something. I call it toilet baiting.

Before this I used to just read the Beano... its crap nowadays though
(Snuffy114 demands a cyber razor cut, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:41, Reply)

I caught my Dad
making a bacon sandwich... except he was using hot x buns instead of normal rolls. He gave one to me. Hooked.

I can't own up to this to my other 50%, but hot x bacon sarnies have become my furtive pleasure of choice when she's not around.

And it's Easter, so it's all very timely.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:35, 7 replies)

I like...
... big butts and I can not lie.
(ScousersPet, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:08, Reply)

Pint anyone?
I know for a fact that I’m not alone in this…

But there is something supremely satisfying about stopping off for a pint on your way home from work. Especially after a hard and stressful day, much like some of the days I’ve had recently when nobody in my organisation has been willing to take some responsibility to get a business case signed off, the bunch of pissbiscuits.

Case in point:

Me: “This business case just needs to be signed off so it can go to the next panel. I’ve been busting my arse this last fortnight and harassing the company for information so I can get it finished”.

Pissbiscuit colleague: “Oh, so-and-so needs to sign that bit”.

Me: “Yes, but so-and-so is off sick”.

Pissbiscuit colleague: “Well, I don’t know how we are going to get round that then”.

Me: “Surely someone else who is here and has the same level of authority can do it”?

Pissbiscuit colleague “I don’t know, they’d be from a different department”.

Me: “For fuck’s sake…”

And so on… my guv (he won’t mind me calling him that) has been threatening to mete out some Gene Hunt style treatment these last few days – funny thing is I can just see him in a camel coat.

Anyway, pints after work – best thing ever. Just the one mind – an oasis of calm that you can just lose yourself in for half an hour, and talk random bollocks to complete strangers over a pint of foamy goodness.

Cheers all.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:07, 14 replies)

Swedish life: Perpetuating Stereotypes...
I'm afairly stocky lad: I grew up racing low-line slalom canoes in the river Severn, rock climbing and - in the words of Eddie Izzard - "Running, jumping, climbing trees" Eddie never mentioned shitting out of trees... but he's normal.

Ohhh.. digressing again.

So... going through puberty I became well built. No matter how much beer I drink, pies I eat and salads I dodge, I remain wide shouldered.

I attract comments akin to "you look like a football hooligan"... well, I Look the part, but that's where the similarity ends.

My standard Off-the-cuff retort used to be "Well you look like a porn star".... and when it was met with shock, I justified it with "Well, you're female, blonde, Swedish and have breasts... Ergo you MUST be a porn star"

Now that I'm all growed up and don't spend my time looking for the next wild night of sex, I enjoy pushing the envelope of credibility.

I Love it when people ask who my favourite team is... "No, I don't actually *like* football, I just go for the fighting"

"It's a shame that they've banned smoking here... Us Brits are nowhere near as effective in a fight without a good ashtray to punch with. ... No, really... the most serious injuries in Britain are caused by B&H ashtrays with the cast Malboro ones coming in a close second"

My favourite however is - in this country that banned smacking of children in 1975 - to commit the ultimate faux pas. "Well, When it's time to have kids, I want to move back to the UK... why? .... Well, I want to be able to hit them - my dad smacked the hell out of me, and I'm looking forward to smacking the hell out of my kids"


Obviously I'm joking, but there's a lot of Swedes who take it at face value and are utterly horrified. Lambs to the slaughter: each and every one.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 10:04, 6 replies)

Pancetta and eggs
On toast. Justifying it by saying that you've got a hard day ahead, when really you have a 4 hour shift
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:59, 2 replies)

I've got a secret hole in my trouser pocket
i like to play with my balls through it when i'm talking to people. Especially having a good play with my scrote when i'm talking to the boss, bus drivers, old girl behind the deli counter at tesco's, people like that.

Especially pleasing if you trim your sack nice and smooth.
( two_hats_shakir is going break dancing after his tea, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:59, Reply)

I know I'm not alone....
If I have a MacDonalds (few and far between these days, but still...), I like to dunk my fries into my chocolate milkshake. One of the highpoints of my courting has been meeting a young lady who did the same - but with a strawberry milkshake.

This morning I was dipping toasted buttered brioche into a strawberry yoghurt. Better than sex! (Certainly more recent and more easily obtainable.)

Yummm.
(uncle whippity, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:41, 2 replies)

I have been known
to be a complete and utter snob.

Not in the traditional way of looking down at people who supposedly fit into a lower socio-economic group, but with regards to intellect, music, literature etc.

However, I do reserve a place in my heart to look down at freeloading breeders, people who spit, litter, intimidate and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

EDIT: Blames dyslexia and lack of tea for mistakes, apologies to pedants!

*makes tea*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:35, 10 replies)

Dating websites
I like to look at dating websites to see if anybody I know is on there.
It's satisfying to know that the posing, FHM reading, mouth-breather, who always acts like he's it in the pub, can't get a woman.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:30, Reply)

Maggie
I was (not guilty) pleasured when I heard Maggie Thatcher was in Hospital. Unfortunately she was discharged rather than dying in apool of her own fetid excrement. Maybe next time...
(kitescreech still here, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:21, 4 replies)

hahahaha
www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2008/cia-nations-current-accounts-p1.php

My ribs hurt.

"Is declaring war a bad idea?"
"Yes"

*Scroll to bottom*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 8:02, Reply)

I live in Sweden...
Guilty Pleasure: Explaining to Americans how we get LOTS of holiday... Paid for.
(and trains that are on time AND do more than 50mph and busses that work and society that doesn't shoot itself and good education in schools, and cars that have coil springs, and a free heath service etc... (all while managing to only pay about 10% more tax than they do)

I digress...

Here we have the subtle art of the "holiday"

A long time ago - about 2-300 years after it happened - someone wrote a few notes down about someone getting crucified. This became a best-selling novel. Hundreds of years later, after stealing bits from other novels, adding weird caveats and slightly less believable bits to it, Its still in print and going strong.

Sweden is a country where the Norse Gods (and Godesses) once ruled (My favourite is Odin's Wife "Frigg" and Váli, (Odin's Son and get this: God of revenge) This strangely changed at some point... though I have mates who every midsummer cut the palms of their hands with flint and offer their blood to the Gods.

Anyway... Swedish society Still manages to celebrate The crucifiction and subsequent resurrection (Otherwise known as "people taking gthe body somewhere else, and *saying* they didn't... and oh.... yeah... erm.... he went up on a cloud).... So, we get fully paid days off on monday and Friday.

FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Sweeet.

Oh Soddit.... there's more.

We're also masters of the "Squeeze Day" ... This is the result of a National day, or other vaguely religion-based holiday falling on a Tuesday or a Thursday. This would give a solitary Monday or Friday... So Sweden has developed the "Squeeze Day" ... A day where you just don't work, because working on one day alone would suck.

MORE 4-Day weekends.

Oh.. and I get 6 weeks of fully paid holiday ON TOP of that. This isn't standard though: everyone else has to settle for 5 weeks.

Paternity and Maternity leave? 18 months to share as the couple see fit, on 80% pay funded by the government: NOT the company you work for... so they hold no grudge if you want to start pumping out babies.


Anyway. That's the tip of the "Sorry... you were saying how America is the greatest country in the world" Iceberg. I can keep on going for hours.

It makes me happy, even though I walk away feeling like a boastful ass.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 7:43, 15 replies)

Dance Dance Revolution
I'm actually pretty good at DDR and can do all except about 4 songs on expert mode.

But thats not the guilty pleasure no no.

I like to let the chavette girls go on the machine first and do the songs on difficult level, fail them, then me go on the machine and complete the song on expert and rub it in their ugly ugly faces.... oh and i can also do the chorus of one of the songs backwards on difficult mode.

Click if your secretly good at DDR but hate to admit it :)
(boshalake attempted to be sober on, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 0:48, Reply)

Another Pleasure
.
Is reading, or hearing, an obscure gag and burying it away in the depths of my head awaiting the perfect moment to trot it out.

I waited almost three years before I had the chance to use one.

I was driving around London with Scotty, a mate of mine, when we passed a Lebanese restaurant and he asked if I'd ever tried Lebanese food.

"Aye. It gives me the Shi-ites"

It's an old joke now but it was shiny back then.

I've a few Dave Allen classics sitting in my head now, straining at the leash to get out. Dave Allen is now obscure enough that a lot of people, especially the kids, won't have heard of him or his material. His time will come.

It's the same with a lot of the older comedians. Bob Monkhouse had millions of class jokes. Leonard Rossiter was a brilliant gag writer as was Michael Bentine of the Goons.

They say there are no new jokes and, to a large extent, that's true. Pretty much all jokes are just rewording and updating old classics but thats where the fun lies.

I was once mocked to within an inch of my life in my local when I claimed to know over 50 000 jokes. To be honest, I think 50k may be on the low side.

So my guilty pleasure is in reading old masters classic gags, updating them, and passing them off as my own. So I'll leave you with a Dave Allen classic.

"For years I thought that the priest at funerals was a callous cunt. There I was, aged 6, watching the funeral of my beloved grandad when the priest said:

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and into the hole-he-goes....."


It's the way I tell 'em

Cheers
"
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 23:27, 11 replies)