b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Guilty Pleasures, part 2 » Post 132380 | Search
This is a question Guilty Pleasures, part 2

It's been a while since we last asked this question and CaptainFellatioNelson's confession that he likes "to fart under the duvet, creep in and see how long I can last only on the fart air contained within" reminded us just how good it was last time.

What are the little things you do for fun when nobody else is around?

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:48)
Pages: Latest, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, ... 1

« Go Back

BGB's post below reminds me:
At four o'clock yesterday afternoon many of you lot were at work, slaving over a hot desk. Me? I was under the duvet, my hand in me knickers.

Pleasure? Oh yes, yes! YES!
Guilty? Only the slight worry that my flatmate could hear my screams of delight.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:05, 263 replies)
May I be the first to say...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:07, closed)
I have no pictures
before anyone asks.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:08, closed)
This HAS to win. I want it in the newsletter.

That's not a euphemism.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:11, closed)
^that's a nice euphemism though
so maybe it should be a euphemism:

"Tell me how you want it?"
"Ooooo, I want it in the newsletter. Quickly! Get it in the newsletter now!"

Yes, that works.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:13, closed)
Are you trying to pull an Enzyme?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:13, closed)
pfft for the euphemism.

...hband, are you suggesting the b3ta males are becoming predictable?
How dare you!

though you are very, very right.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:14, closed)
^^Hey you two...get a room!

preferably one that has a picture on the wall with the eyes cut out so I can have a crafty watch...

EDIT: I meant Enzyme and CHCB - NOT Enzyme and Bert Monkeysex.

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:15, closed)
Yeah, it's my b3ta mission.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:15, closed)
My sex dungeon has those peepholes, will that do?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:15, closed)
You're making me think of some kind of pornographic episode of Scooby Doo.

*EDIT* I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for the very thin walls.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:17, closed)
Sex dungeon?

Dark. Damp. Warm?

Hmmm. Ticks all the boxes...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:17, closed)
@Bert Monkeysex
Predictable? In that I recall calls of "photos, or it's not true" for any vaguely sex-related post, yes.

BTW, I keep reading your name as Bert Sexmonkey.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:17, closed)
Sexmonkey, Monkeysex
Potayto, pottato, it's all the same.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:19, closed)
Pornographic Scooby Doo! Zoiks!

*imagines cheap motel with nylon sheets and orange lampshades and a Sacred Heart picture where the eyes really do follow you around the room*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:19, closed)
So, in summary:
crackhouseceilidhband wants Enzymes newsletter in her sex dungeon?

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:21, closed)
sex dungeon duly booked
B3ta QOTW orgy commences at 1900hrs GMT. All welcome. Please bring refreshments.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:22, closed)

*drills third, lower "eye" hole*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:23, closed)
I'll be there at 1859Hrs...

Unfortunately, I always come early
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:23, closed)
I'm loving the use of imagination here ... any room for a quant?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:24, closed)
that's okay, it's just the excitement. You can just lie there and cuddle.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:24, closed)
sure! 'Quant' sounds rude.

Roll up everyone, roll up! Get yer B3ta QOTW orgy here! Generate new stories for next week's topic! Laugh about the time we all got STDs!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:26, closed)
I can't make it unfortunately
Due to a BBC commitment (ooh, get him!)

Will there be a podcast of the event that I can download tomorrow? :-)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:28, closed)
I'm gonna sit this one out, it burns when I pee.
I might grab a camera though.
Edit: ^^ and a sound recording.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:29, closed)
Quant isn't Mary Quant

I'm sure that we can generate new definitions of quant and visualisation (is this the podcast that K2K6 was looking for?)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:29, closed)
I just got a new video camera for work so I can grab a tripod and we can have it on youporn/pornotube by breakfast time tomorrow.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:31, closed)
or a streaming feed ... is your broadband fast enough for live feed? ;)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:32, closed)

And even if no-one turns up except CHCB, we still want the video!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:32, closed)
"for work"?
I assume this is a lucrative sideline then?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:33, closed)
Got to get research funding somehow...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:34, closed)
My sex dungeon, hidden as it is (hidden so well I never knew I had one), has rather a poor broadband connection. However, my work has a really good one and I'm sure they wouldn't mind hosting the files either. They'd be educational.

@Kaol - really, truly, honestly for work. Mostly.

*loses job*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:34, closed)
I'll come to the orgy
I'll sit in the corner and read.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:35, closed)

If you read that post you did the other day then I'm definitely up for it!!!

*warms hands*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:37, closed)
chickenlady is our sex muse!
and you know how there are war poets? Chickenlady, you can be the orgy poet. You have to compose meaningful lines on whatever Mongolian clusterfuck we are engaged. Find something that rhymes with "newsletter".
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:37, closed)
You could sell it to Channel 5
"A b3tard's guide to 21st century p0rn."

I'm amused that bugger all has happened on the board all morning, but one post from a woman with her fingers in her fanny and it all goes mad!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:38, closed)
Rhyming Phrase for Newsletter
newsletter = he liked to pet 'er?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:38, closed)
"one post from a woman with her fingers in her fanny and it all goes mad!"

That's not the only thing that happens, I'll wager...

Oh, and: Rofl! Actually, this whole exchange has had me laughing like... a laughing-heartily thing.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:40, closed)
Yes, it seemed like a slow morning in need of some reinvigoration, but that's not to say my post wasn't true.

@lostit - 'bedwetter' also rhymes, but is less sexy.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:41, closed)

He mentioned his ‘newsletter’
There was no feeling better
So then he had to get her
As she was getting wetter
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:42, closed)
All this thinking about sex and the newsletter
Only serves to make me wetter and wetter.

Sorry...piss poor.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:42, closed)
Much less sexy, unless you're specifically into that sort of thing ... ahem.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:42, closed)
Careful - we're only one step away from rachelswipe territory here!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:43, closed)
I was thinking the same thing. It's not a nice thought.

Although crackhouse and 'Swipe sharing a thought does have its attractions...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:45, closed)
Jeez Louise...
It seems you have touched on something here....fnar fnar

but have you done it at work.... it's even better.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:45, closed)

Two lady b3tans thinking about sex
Two lady b3tans wondering who to vex
One took off her clothes and threw them in a heap
The other went to Mongolia in a jeep!

I really must do some work!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:45, closed)
I think the one who went to Mongolia took her clothes off as well.

At least: she did in my version...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:46, closed)
I'm now having to type with one hand
because the other one's otherwise engaged!

(wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes - what were you thinking?)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:48, closed)
rhyme schmyme
She wanted it in the newsletter
and at first I thought better
of it, but why not? The day was hotter
than most and I felt I ought
to post something, not to upset her
or to make her fret or
to annoy her, but to make her wetter
and it worked; it gave pleasure -
that's the power of one letter
written next to another letter.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:48, closed)
a guy mentions he has had a wank, - nothing - no replies...

a girl does it and gets - so far 42 replies...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:49, closed)
LOVING the off-the-cuff poetry
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:49, closed)
Yes, that's a fair point. I'm not proud. It makes me a cyberwhore.

However, I did have a very lovely afternoon all by myself yesterday.

Males! Feel free to add your masturbation exploits here! I'll listen.

@Enzyme: I'm sorry to disappoint you but mostly I slept in my clothes the whole way to Mongolia. I'm very interested in hearing your version though.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:52, closed)
thanks auntie CHCB i'm happy in the anonymity for now :)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:55, closed)
Well, not masturbation, but more a post-work "both get naked, Christ-it's-cold, window-steaming-up-sex" session...
But a gentleman never tells.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:56, closed)
There really is no version. I just like the mental image of you having thrown off your clothes.

I'm normally much more PC than this...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:57, closed)
That sounds like a QOTW answer in its own right!

@Enzyme: what if I throw off my clothes and you flinch at the sight of my conjoined foetal twin? I don't know if I could cope with that kind of rejection.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:59, closed)

Little miss CHCband
Your life must surely be grand
And most girls no doubt understand
The power you have in your hand

At 4 in the afternoon
You’re strumming yourself til you swoon
Meanwhile I’m stuck at work like a loon
More bored than a limbless baboon

So spare me a thought my dear friend
As it’s not hard to now comprehend
My mind after the posts that you send
Now I’m off to rub my own bell-end
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:02, closed)
Twin? You have a twin?

Game on!

Oh, I see, sorry....
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:02, closed)
You have a twin?

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:03, closed)
That's quite worrying that we both thought the same thing at the same time there!

EDIT - There again, it's one twin each.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:04, closed)
There was a young girl from Eire,
Who to her bed did retire,
No one could see,
as - screaming with glee,
She diddled herself higher and higher.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:04, closed)
wow - the lyricism!
I'm feeling the love.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:05, closed)
Feeling the love?
I thought it was something else you were feeling...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:06, closed)
^^Not again!!!

Can't you skip an afternoon?

...hang on a minute!!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:06, closed)
You want masturbation stories?

I point you in the direction of this.

A tale of woe.

And having read some of your answers I know your personal time tales are not all fun!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:06, closed)
I've gone too far...I know that now...

There once was a girl who (when pissed)
Did incredible things with a fist
But one day she slipped
As her fingers she dipped
and she lost her hand up to the wrist!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:13, closed)
yes, we were separated at birth - I've had a moment like that as well. Several, in fact. Goddamn it, can't the world tell that we are broadminded, enthusiastic, filthy women who deserve sexy goodness?

Same goes for you blokes too, because you all seem normal to me and yet you all have similar tales of woe to ours.

Come the revolution we'll all be in my sex dungeon, going wild.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:15, closed)
For maximum effect
This should be read aloud by crackhouseceilidhband with her NI accent:

I read of a girl just now,
Who's well versed in subjects high brow,
With one short narration
Of her masturbation
She made b3ta go mental - and how!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:21, closed)
When reported in an online formum such as this...
...wouldn't it be mousturbation?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:22, closed)
is 'formum' a Freudian slip? Y'know, where you say one thing but mean a mother?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:23, closed)
I would ninja that...
... but I like your reply.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:25, closed)
HBand got in the newsletter,
for touching that got wetter and wetter,
She said I'll be damned,
When I do it by hand,
it's not as good as a red setter!

*lowers tone*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:30, closed)
Come the revolution we'll all be in your sex dungeon?
Is that before or after we've put the usual suspects up against the wall and shagged shot them?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:32, closed)
Yeah, I never did trust that shifty looking George Clooney. He'll be shagged shot first, closely followed by David Tenant and the guy who plays Justin in Hollyoaks.

@NakedApe: lowers tone?! I think you may have raised it slightly - they're pedigree.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:34, closed)
You lot
will have gone blind before this QOTW is closed, mark my words...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:36, closed)
@ Davros
Thats a risk I'm willing to take, follow Hbands lead and get in your knickers boxers, I mean boxers, yeah thats what I wear...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:37, closed)
I recommend Literotica for added guilty pleasure.
Tho it's definately harder to 'enjoy yourself' at a computer if you're a girl :(
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:42, closed)

It's Wanking Wednesday and 4pm is happy hour.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:42, closed)

He'll only get you pregnant, thrown in jail and leave you to get shanked by a skank before forgetting all about you by going out with a girl who can only speak incredibily slowly has the mental capacity of pig iron and appears to have been shot in the chin with an air rifle.

Stay well clear thats what I say.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:43, closed)
At 4pm
I'll be doing a soundcheck.

On stage.

This could be fun!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:44, closed)
4pm today - self-loving special
It's now in teh calendar:


Come. You know you want to.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:45, closed)
At 4pm
I'll have probably popped outside for a smoke. Which will be in full view of half the office (that's approximately 200 people, folks).

I could always pretend that I'm flicking fag ash off my groin...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:46, closed)

I want one NOW!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:47, closed)
Wanking Wednesday
I like it.

Can't wait for Friday...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:49, closed)
Who told you about Anal Friday?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:50, closed)

*swims away quickly*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:51, closed)
I'm omnipotent.

Or at least I think that's what the doctor said.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:51, closed)
Saturday has its attractions for me. And, come Sunday, I'll no doubt be kneeling at the altar...

Come Sunday, eh?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:51, closed)
Come any day you like, mate. You don't have to wait for a Sunday.

Unless it involves priests. They're easier to find on a Sunday. And what, with the wine and the candles and the altarboys...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:54, closed)
4pm isn't so good for me
I've got a government health and safety inspection.

Although shaking his hand would be a guilty pleasure...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:55, closed)
Since 4pm is 11am over here...
I may have to skip this one. I wouldn't want the other engineers to be looking oddly at me before lunch...

...of course, after lunch is another thing altogether. They look oddly at me anyway, especially if I do my Lurch imitation. ("Youuu raaaaanngg...")
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:57, closed)
Work up an appertite

For lunch.

Then recover and have amerkin (?) 4pm wankathon.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:58, closed)
...make that 91 replies. C'mon, kids! Let's go for the ton!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:00, closed)
Female masturbation, dodgy poetry, the talk of sex dungeons and the invention of Wanking Wednesday...

I can see this going on and on and on...

I wonder why my post on Prisoner: Cell Block 'H' didn't provoke such a reaction?? Ho hum
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:03, closed)
See what I miss
by going to work? One short answer and 92 replies? I had to join in, I just had to.

Edit: 4pm's no good for me - the kids will be home by then.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:06, closed)
Ever tried
going to the loo for a wank in a building full of engineers? Do you have any idea how off-putting it can be to get near the vinegar strokes just as someone in the next stall lets out a massive fart and follow-through?

It gives me the jibblies just to think about it.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:07, closed)
hot or not..
currently scanning hot or not and matching photos with user names in preparation!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:07, closed)
@ Pooflake
Going on and on?

Yep.....all day Wednesday, Thursday, Friday....

Thank god for working from home.
No need to get dressed.
No need to leave bed - wireless laptop.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:08, closed)
That's now my word of the week. Never heard it before, but it's fucking class.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:08, closed)
Sorrry about that...

...just getting in practise for 4pm
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:08, closed)
Trying to go for over 100 replies
Won't be joining in on the Wednesday fun, despite the vast quantities of porn i'm looking through at work.

Erm, I wish you all the best...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:09, closed)
Nearly as good as getting first post in a QOTW.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:10, closed)
Are we at 100 yet?
And do you think any of CHCB's students are reading this?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:10, closed)
The Jibblies
actually comes from homestarrunner.com and refers to a sort of seizure Strong Bad has when he gets freaked out. Check here for more details...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:11, closed)
post bagging
Can't believe I missed the ton.

The people on /talk don't like the suggestion so much. If any of you lot frequent /talk then go over and have words and tell them they should join in cos otherwise they're just being losers who don't know how to tell stories like wot we do.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:12, closed)
The people over at /board seem distinctly... well, /bored...

(The fire alrm has just gone nuts in my building. Hope they get it fixed soon. Wouldn't want to be still outside at 4...)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:17, closed)
Surely you'd be flying the flag for the 4pm-wank-athon by doing it al fresco?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:18, closed)
QOTWers, stand erect!
And be proud! For we are the good people of this site. We are the storytellers, the humourists, the poets and the lovers. WE ARE THE WANKERS!

I salute you all.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:19, closed)
How's about...

There once was a horny go-getter,
Who wanted it in the newletter,
It needed some lube,
And spattered her boob,
Which strangely did not seem to fret her.

boom boom
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:19, closed)
WHOA! Hold on just one darned minute here...
Unless I'm very much mistaken, this thread is trying to convey the message that GIRLS actually masturbate?

Girls? but they're so soft and sweet and purdey.

They don't, do they? that's just rude...and dirty..and....and....

(I don't think I can hang on until 4PM)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:21, closed)
4pm co-incides nicely with my daily 'inspection' of the ladies loos. Should be fun.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:22, closed)
^ MrTwistyCheeky^ Yep
We just get hairy fingertips instead of palms
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:23, closed)
@ Che
Well done!

We all like it in the newsletter. And particularly in our inbox.

Can't beat it - a good large newsletter in your inbox at least once a week...shame it's not a daily publication.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:23, closed)
@ GingerPenguin
Hairy fingertips?!

My goodness no! Six weekly regular waxing takes care of that.

Erm...is this too much information?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:24, closed)

Waxing fingertips!!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:26, closed)
I'm off
Much as I'd like to continue to participate in this rather fun thread, other things beckon.

I'll be thinking of you all at 4pm.

Well, the females among you at least!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:27, closed)
Hope it doesn't hurt as much as it does everywhere else. I need my fingertips in tip top condition :)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:27, closed)
@ Chickenlady
Too much information in a thread dedicated to having a wank, is it possible?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:27, closed)
Only an hour and a half to go!
*exits to kitchen to make bacon sandwich in order to maintain energy levels*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:28, closed)
Fingertips shouldn't be painful at all - no hair to pull out.

Having your ladybits waxed can be bloody painful...but it's more than worth it as the lovely woman who does it rubs soothing cream in afterwards...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:30, closed)
I'm afraid I won't be able to join in the fun.
But I expect full written reports from everyone else.

I will review *ahem* them at the soonest chance after the event.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:32, closed)
I'm thinking about a career move...

Can anyone be a waxer?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:32, closed)
^You Lot^

You'll be telling me that girlies have orgasms next!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:32, closed)
@ MrTwistyCheeky
Not only do we have orgasms but we have more of them - often 3 or 4 or more to your solitary one.

And we can keep going on and on and on and on and on.

Women - natural duracel sex batteries.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:36, closed)
My God, I go off for an hour and a half to talk to some bankers (with a B) and I return to my beloved B3ta to discover we're all wankers!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:36, closed)
I'm also thinking about a career move
Can I supply the cream?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:40, closed)
Who'd have thought a post about female wanking would elicit such fervent replies....
Certainly not me...as for 4pm, roll on. I've not slept for God knows how long since my last night in America and I'm so wired I'd better start the post build up to the full wank now.

Now where did I put that picture of Kenny Rogers.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:40, closed)
Does this mean
that as I'm still at the top of the Hot Or Not list (fnar fnar) that my image will be used a lot this afternoon?

I feel so dirty now... and I love it!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:42, closed)
how am I supposed to get any work done when I have to keep checking this post for the latest replies!!!!

(Guilty pleasure.........maybe?!)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:43, closed)
@ Student Ken
You're not getting any work done?

I've got deadlines looming and instead of thinking about Very Important Stuff all I can think about is flicking the bean at 4pm!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:45, closed)
literotica (sp?)..
I am also trying to read a journal article when I would rather be checking out this literotica people are mentioning in preperation of choking the chicken.....(sorry chickenlady not you.. well perhaps....)

EDIT: sorry again chickenlady, sounds like I want to kill you, I don't!!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:48, closed)
If only I was cleverer with t'interwebz...

I would strap my watch to my stiff-but-sleazy lurve sausage at 4pm, take a picture and post it on here...

It could be used as a logo!

neon fucksticks
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:49, closed)
@ Pooflake
Used as a logo?!?

Fucking hell! I'd use that picture as my screensaver!

Along with the one of HumptyDumpty's piercing, PJM on a bike (naked ideally) and the recent bash photos!

Oh...and if we could get hold of some of Captain Placid's shaved nads I'd die happy.

Well...I'd certainly die.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:52, closed)
*awaits Tony Hart-esque gallery of genitalia complete with plinky music*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:54, closed)
Good idea...
I think we should visualize a member, (snigger), of B3ta when wanking. I know who I'm gonna pick.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:55, closed)
To hell with Hot or Not - I saw we should have Hard or Not!


You and I can do all the quality control checks on the photos.....

*EDIT* BGB - you'll help, won't you?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:56, closed)
^^ @ladies
Despite being a rufty-tufty I'm blushing here!

And in the interests of entertainment will get out the xylophone for the playing of plinky music.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 14:57, closed)
I insist on doing the job single handedly. *snigger*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:00, closed)

It's funny you should mention Tony Hart...

because my cock looks lust like Morph...you know, when he turns into a tube before he goes back into his box...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:01, closed)
T-Minus 1 hour...

and counting...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:04, closed)
I have the Heart Beat

theme tune as my alarm on my phone, now everymorning I will wake imagining a mass interweb wankerthon.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:05, closed)
@ pooflake
get your watch off your cock as you can't read the time...T minus 54 minutes
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:05, closed)
Either you have incredibly skinny wrists or else can I have your phone number ;)

Actually, in the interests of fairness, just post your number on here and we lady b3tans will make good use of you ;)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:07, closed)

Sorry, I had to guess as the watch was so far away...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:09, closed)
Newsflash: Popular Website Implodes
And takes the rest of the t'internet with it...until 4pm, of course, when there is apparently a mass toilet inspection.

Self-Manipulation Guru CHCB was unavailable for comment claiming 'urgent personal business'.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:10, closed)
that comment caused me to redecorate my monitor with coffee!!!!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:11, closed)
Even better idea...
How about we all concentrate on one person, ok one for each gender, and see if our combined sexual urges make those people explode.

Can you tell I'm wired.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:11, closed)
I don't particularly want to make you explode though.

Not like that...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:14, closed)
From the scene of destruction in cyberspace - a single female figure stands covered in some strange white substance

"It was four o'clock and then...then..I just don't know what came over me!"
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:15, closed)
Flashwanking beats flashmobbing hands down (innuendo intentional).
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:15, closed)
Are we supposed to be in front of our computers when we do it...
I really could do with a lie down.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:18, closed)

I'm sorry, I appear to have become a cheerleader (oo-er) for CHCBs attempt on the WWR (world wanking record)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:19, closed)
I thank yoU!

Edit: bollix, it was 151. I always come too late.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:19, closed)
I was still your 100th...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:21, closed)
Norris McWhirter...
Would turn in his grave if he knew about this world record attempt.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:23, closed)
At this rate
It's gonna get to 200.

*mentally wills it to be so*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:24, closed)
Popular subject
Just goes to show that everyone likes talking about masturbation!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:27, closed)
*physically wills it to 200 by posting pointless filler post*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:27, closed)
I'm not ashamed to say....
This will be my first orgy... I hope I can keep up.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:28, closed)
This idea...

beats the shit out of 'Hands across America' doesn't it?

'Wank across the World'...just has more zing, don't you think?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:28, closed)
@NakedApe - ah now!
No postbuilding allowed! We don't need it - we can generate enough muck to make it to 200.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:28, closed)
I dunno about exploding...
...but part of me feels rather swollen at the moment...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:29, closed)
Talking about masturbation
If talking about sex is Oral sex is it possible to talk about masturbation?

I mean, personally speaking I'm quite flexible, but not that bloody flexible!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:29, closed)
Newsflash #3
Managing Director of Keyboard Hygiene Services, Mr Wayne Kerr, was quoted as follows "I don't know what happened, there must have been another earthquake or something, but our phones started going mad just after 4pm, and all these people were saying they had 'spilled' something over their keyboards and they were now sticky and unusable. We've run out of Jizz-Go, our No 1 cleaning product, and the service engineer has fainted"
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:29, closed)
Mental image..
Of everyone in the office wanking simultaneously in a world record attempt.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:30, closed)
Just wondering...
Does this count as a b3ta bash?

Or a b3ta bash-the-bishop?


200 here we come. As it were...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:30, closed)
good lord
There hasn't been this much excitement in my life since my uncle Terry fucked the goat.

Half an hour, my pretties!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:31, closed)
Will participating in this 'event'...

make us masterb3tas?

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:32, closed)
Just enough time
to go and get cigarettes for post-flicking euphoria.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:32, closed)
I'd join in, but I didn't see this until just now when I emerged from the ladies all happy and moist and I can't be arsed to have another go.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:33, closed)
trouble is
I'm preparing myself for the 4pm kick flick off, but every time I think of all of you waiting for the second hand to reach 12, I start laughing like the little lunatic I am.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:33, closed)
27 minutes ... 200 here we cum/come.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:33, closed)
*closes windows*
*battens down hatches*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:34, closed)
That 'second hand' is not my hand.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:35, closed)
@Hband Now I can't stop
imagining your Uncle terry fucking goat... in a tree, in Morroco.

I like to embelish my imaginings.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:35, closed)
I'm embarrassed already...

I know I'm going to be the first one back...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:35, closed)
If I'm not back on-line by 8pm...
I may still be at it. It can sometimes take a while.....
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:36, closed)
I'm slightly concerned
that because I feel as though there are so many people watching me, I won't be able to pull this off successfully...

/Hides following limp innuendo about self-abuse.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:36, closed)
Can't you muster just a quick go for the sake of solidarity?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:36, closed)
You're female! You can always go another round!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:38, closed)
@ Enzyme
Alright, but don't expect me to look you in the eye at reunions...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:39, closed)
We must all stay together ... those of us in London should all aim for an appropriate noisemaking at around 1615 to scare the bejeezus out of the city!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:39, closed)
And risk jelly legs in the office?!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:40, closed)
Jelly legs in the office, spread legs in the office, who cares!

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:42, closed)
When the time does come
I wonder how many office-based b3ta readers who are not part of this are going to check the work-areas of their colleagues to spot suspicious behaviour.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:43, closed)
*checks time*
*puts Massive Attack's Mezzanine on the stereo to get in mood*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:43, closed)
nipped off to watch some Jeremy Kyle and its all gone mental. Don't have enough cash to send the kids to the pictures, so someone else will have to take my turn (as it were).

Edit: Will this register on the richter scale?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:45, closed)
This, and many other reasons, is why Jeremy Kyle is a Bad Thing.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:46, closed)
Wednesday wank...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:46, closed)
I say chaps....
Extra points for inventive mastabatory technique and use of household items.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:47, closed)
well that's filled up A&E for the night then.......
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:48, closed)
*stares dolefully at spatula*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:49, closed)
I'd love to volonteer to take your turn but I've got a different set of 'wank-parts' so things might get tricky (not to mention messy).
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:50, closed)
^ that's okay
you can be an equal opportunity wanker!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:51, closed)
Well I'm starting a little early.
I need a good run up to it. See you all in a bit.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:51, closed)
I'm not using the bell-whisk again - I couldn't walk straight for days and it put me off meringues for quite a while, I can tell you.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:52, closed)
S'okay, you can wank like a girl. Y'know, take ages, read erotica, think of pink things, angels, kittens and ponies.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:52, closed)
With apologies to Lt Col T Collins RIR (and thinking of CHCB, our NI heroine)
We cum to liberate, not to conquer.
We will not wave our genitalia in their faces
We are entering this challenge to free no-longer-possible people and the only flag which will be flown in that ancient tradition is their own.
Show respect for them.

There are many hundreds of thousands who are alive at this moment who will not be alive shortly.
Those who do not wish to go on that journey, we will not send, unless they are caught in the rush.
As for the others, I expect you to rock their world.
Wipe them up (if that is what they choose).
But if you are ferocious in battle remember to be magnanimous in victory.

Onanism is steeped in history.
It is the site of the source of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood of 2008 and the birthplace of Abraham.
Tread lightly there. You may slip otherwise.

You will see things that no man could pay to see and you will have to go a long way to find a more decent, generous and upright people than the B3tans, man and woman alike.
You will be embarrassed by their hospitality even if they have nothing.

Don't treat your output as refugees for they are in their own country.
They will be poor, in years to come they will know that the light of liberation in their brief tissue-spilled lives was brought by you.

If there are casualties of the event then remember that when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day.
Allow them dignity in death.
Clean them up properly and mark their graves.

It is my foremost intention to bring every single one of you out alive.
But there may be those among us who will not see the end of this campaign.
We will put them in their boxers and carry them back.
There will be no time for sorrow, only hygiene.

It is a big step to take hundreds of thousands of potential human lives.
It is not to be done lightly.
I know of men who have taken lives needlessly in other conflicts.
I can assure you they live with the mark of Cain upon them.

If some surrenders to you then remember they have that right in international law and ensure that one day they go home to their family.
The ones who wish to fight, well, we aim to please with our left or right hands, wrists and fingers.

If you harm the 1st battalion, the B3ta regiment or its history by over-enthusiasm in killing or in cowardice, know it is your family who will suffer.

You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest - for your deeds will follow you down through history. We will bring stain on neither our uniform or our nation.

It is not a question of if, it's a question of when. We know we have already devolved the decision to our lower commanders, and that means we have already taken the decision ourselves.

If we survive the first strike we will survive the attack no matter how long we must strive for ultimate victory.

As for ourselves, let's bring everyone home and leave the Kleenex a better place for us having been there.

Our business now is in eight minutes.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:53, closed)
Dark room key
Comfy chair
Phone with music on
Mental image of hot science men in lab coats

Sorted :)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:53, closed)
(Oh. Not quite)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:54, closed)
Get ready...

*fwaps furiously at exactly 4pm*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:55, closed)
is going to kill an enormous amount of kittens very very soon
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:55, closed)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:55, closed)
S'OK - just thinking of pink things will be enough. Being male, I'll take ages the second time, so perhaps my second will be my 'girl-wank'.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:57, closed)
AMOUNT? You break the 200 hymen with syntax like that?

Peter Cash would not be pleased...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:58, closed)
At the third stroke
the time sponsored by active-wrist will be ....
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:58, closed)
...I LOVE kittens!

*snuggles the Big Black Fluffy Thing*

*wishing Josephine was here in the office with me, as I miss my kitty*

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 15:59, closed)
@ Enzyme
You correct my syntax at a time like this?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:01, closed)
I make it 4.01pm
anyone done yet?????
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:02, closed)
Stuck at my desk

So I only had a little cupping session.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:03, closed)
Ah bollocks
I just got in from measuring a carpark, meter-stick in hand.

Hands are far too cold to even consider it.

*lets the side down*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:04, closed)
It's that length when you're cold!?!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:05, closed)
Anyone else
have a vision of *that* scene from "When Harry met Sally" taking place all over the country?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:06, closed)
or alternatively - Star Wars
"I feel a disturbance in the force. As if a million souls cried out at once"

...of course, I'm assuming quite a few lurkers joining in.

EDIT: Coo, hasn't it got quiet here all of a sudden.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:08, closed)
Yay! I'm the first one back...
Although I did have a head start. Good job there was no sticks of wood near my clitoris, I was rubbing so furiously I could have started a small fire.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:11, closed)
Well, I don't like to make that claim.
It wasn't big enough, I had to use a laser to fit it all in.

I'd say they're at it, as nobody else seems to be posting.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:11, closed)
Very quiet
d'you think they're up to no good, then? Or not wanting to post in case it looks like they were too quick?

EDIT: with the honourable exception of BGB - take a bow, girl!!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:12, closed)
I think that it's simply that noone wanted to admit to being back so soon. I'm guessing that a lot of people have been f5-ing for quite a while now, waiting for someone to break the silence...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:13, closed)
I'd say a combination of both.

Just wait for the person who decides to post after a few hours with "LoL! I jus fInIsHed!"...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:14, closed)
"Post-Wank Anxiety - The fear of being assumed not to be a wanker. Or at least, not a very good one"

EDIT: Trying to turn this into a Liff, but can't find an appropriate placename - any suggestions?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:16, closed)
At first I was feeling self-conscious and chuckling to myself too much, so I thought maybe I'd just lie there, hug myself and stroke my own hair. Fortunately I rallied, stopped thinking about what everyone else was doing, and was done by 4.14pm.

*puts jeans back on*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:17, closed)

With 5 minutes to go...I was called away!

Arrgggh! - Bloody Desktop support issues!

manage to fix the problem with seconds to go...

So now I'm back...fully spent, but I missed out on the tea round :(

Well worth it though.

*trundles off to make own poxy cup of tea*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:18, closed)
I'm quite proud to be first...
This is the first race I've ever won. Not the best orgasm I've had but it does qualify.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:19, closed)
Is it just me or
Does anyone else feel a sense of pride after what has transpired on this day?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:19, closed)
*Claps loudly* for CHCB
A big hand (as it were) for the lady who started all this
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:20, closed)
She's a jolly good fellow
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:21, closed)

are you giving CHCB the clap?


(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:22, closed)
At least my lunch is leftover kung pao chicken. Not sure what else I could have eaten while reading this...

EDIT: and, appropriately enough, this computer is currently doing an antivirus check!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:22, closed)
I was going to wait now until tomorrow
And claim to have had my own personal 24 hour long orgy.

But that would be ridiculous.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:22, closed)
which surprises me, because I haven't been blushing when typing my solo sex acts online for the amusement of the dirty masses.

Edit: or indeed non-solo ones.

Edit again: or multiple ones.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:22, closed)
^ Congratulations to the CHCB person (esp when she's got her jeans back on!)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:23, closed)
have you finished my turn yet? Should I go and have a cigarette?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:24, closed)
Oh dear...
...didn't even have to leave my seat - until afterwards anyway - she was eating a yoghurt again.

and now I just feel ... dirty.

Ah, guilty pleasures par excellance.

Thank you.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:26, closed)
I have an idea!
All of this has inspired me to devise a new TV series for daytime BBC1…

Ready, Steady, Wank.

Two contestants will be ushered into a studio, where they will be probed by Ainsley Harriot on what wanking fodder they have been able to source for under a fiver.

Contestant 1: “Well, I’ve brought in an elastic band, a hamster, a Hessian sack and a length of vacuum cleaner cord”.

Contestant 2: “I’ve managed to obtain a syringe of anaesthetic, which I will plunge into my right arm to make it feel as though someone else is doing it. I’ve also brought in a picture of Lorraine Kelly / Henry Kelly (delete as appropriate if you’re a man / woman) ripped from the pages of Take-a-Break, which I intend to use as a delaying technique”.

The studio audience will then judge the contestants on technique / vocalisation / facial grimaces / mess produced, whilst in amongst this Ainsley does his best to interfere and generally put the contestants off their stroke.

I sometimes feel as though I’m wasted in rural regeneration…
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:26, closed)
Erm! sorry but...
It feels a bit of an anti-climax. What now, syncronized bondage.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:28, closed)



*Doesn't offer to shake hands*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:28, closed)
"Bonds Across the Water"... it could work!

(Still need to try that...)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)
Now? Now we make it a weekly event. It's that or puns. Both make me groan.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)
synchronized bondage? Has a certain appeal ...

*looks out silk stockings*

*makes plans to "surprise" MrWitch later*
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)
I've only just finished my own go. Your turn's next.
PS. I see you've read my first answer to this week's QOTW.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:32, closed)
@Davros' Grandad
Will it be the purple plums or the bruised bananas??
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:32, closed)
@ Che...
I don't see why not. Any other suggestions..?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:37, closed)
I am of the impression....
That a good bout of corperal punishment administered by a friend or lover would work wonders for our self esteem and general well being. Just once a week and leaving us a little red-fleshed and tingly is a great way to pep up those mundane mid-week blues.

But that's just my opinion.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:40, closed)
work interupted....
got called on the tannoy when i was just getting started :o(
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:40, closed)
All that's left is...

To wait for 'Toss-off Thursday' and 'Fwappalot Friday'!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:41, closed)
Surely not 300?

Especially as my arms are tired.

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:43, closed)
re: fwapalot friday...
not working friday... 4pm will be like round 8 or there abouts....
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:43, closed)
I daresay
that Rob will have a lot of fun with this thread in the newsletter. It has to have attracted attention with all the bandwidth that must have gotten eaten with people checking it every five seconds!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:46, closed)
oh, let me educate you all
Muff-diving Monday
S&M Tuesday
Wanking Wednesday
Naked Thursday
Anal Friday
Shit-on-your-chest Saturday (though I prefer a repeat of Tuesday at this point)
Blow job Sunday.

My rallydriving cohorts will be pleased the world now knows the calendar we use when on the road.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:46, closed)
CHCB thats disgusting

everyone knows sunday is the day of rest...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:48, closed)
re: Toss-off Thursday

Monkey-spanking Monday
Tic-tac flicking Tuesday
Wanking Wednesday
Toss-off Thursday

Self-abuse Saturday
Sticky-fingered Sunday

EDIT: @CHCB - I bow to your superior filthy-mindedness.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:53, closed)
Can't there be a day when we just get to cuddle.....
That would be nice.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:56, closed)
Reading this...
...I was half wondering if someone would post a picture of Maggie Thatcher at 3:58.

Me, I didn't find the thread until 4:30 :(
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:56, closed)
Needed that
Now all i need is someone to give me a good seeing too and i'll be in heaven :)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:58, closed)
I've just wondered...

How many people are going to go home, walk through the door and be presented with a wife / husband / bf / gf saying:

"Hello dear, how was work today?"

and proceed to answer with lots of looking at shoes and mumbles of "errrrmmm...fine"
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:59, closed)
i wont be looking at my shoes

it might draw attention to them before i've had a chance to clean them....

TMI ???
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:04, closed)
In the words of 4dam...

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:09, closed)
what the?
I go to a meeting for a lousy few hours, and everyone goes and has some fun!


I console myself with the fact that I'm off to watch Immodesty Blaize in action tonight!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:14, closed)
There's always
the orgy at 7pm in my sex dungeon.

(Ooo, Tom Waits' Black Rider has just come on and it sounds like an appropriately seedy, pre-WWII Berlin cabaret orgy soundtrack.)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:16, closed)
It'd be interesting if they read b3ta too.

BTW. I wonder howmany people went to the office toilets at 3:59 to see one of their colleagues enter at the same time.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:24, closed)
@Bob Fossil
*pointing at CHCB* It's all her fault! She started it!

(I still suspect her of being Ursula Martinez, btw.)
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:29, closed)
Have just finished your turn. These multiple orgasms are trickier than I immagined. How do you ladies manage?
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:51, closed)
Fucking jizz-buckets!
I've just come in (as in returned home) to find I've missed all this creamy goodness! Couldn't one spit!
My poor little bud-between-the-beef-curtains has missed out on all the fun.
Bah! Not in the mood now. Off for a marlboro instead.
In the spirit of wanking, I might post about my first vibrator to make up for missing the wank-fest.

Or can I have a ham shank at 7pm whilst concentrating on CHCB's sex dungeon? Yeah, that's WORTH A BASH.....
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 17:59, closed)
thanks ever so much. That'll hold me til the kids go to bed.

Oh and multiple orgasms? It's all in the wrist dear boy .... all in the wrist.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 18:07, closed)
Top Story of QoTW
I hope to goodness that this becomes the number one story of the week!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 18:11, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, ... 1