Sneaky Toasties and other Kitchen Fun
I am a bit of fat old git (6'0" and 15 and bit stone) and am trying to get some of the more wobbly bits off. This is not so easy at the ripe old age of 36 as it used to be.

So I eat healthily all through the week, try and avoid the demon alcohol, and then it's Sunday. Sunday is Wahey day in Chez Osok. It's lazy brekkie day (OK, I might have been out for a waddle or a ride at sparrowfart but I don't eat beforehand). I'll feed the Mrs and the Spawn first, and then gently close the kitchen door and retreat into Toast World.

Boiled eggs served with toast soldiers for the family?

Not for me. Boiled eggs squashed into a lovely gooey mass eaten in a toast sandwich is how you do it.

(This is only if I can't get away with the classic Egg Banjo).

If I'm in an egg drought situation, then trial and error has come up with the perfect product of late night fridge browsing, now rehabilitated for daylight use.

Peanut butter and salami on toast. Sheer bliss. It's a bit like Marmite - you either get it or you don't.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:17, 12 replies)

Actually yeah,
I have seen 'Guilty Pleasures 2', I buy everything with Nikki Foxx i...

oh.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:16, Reply)

piss shiver
hopefully people (mainly men?) will know what I'm talking about

I have full on spasms from it sometimes.

love it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:13, 5 replies)

b3ta
Oh an i spend 90% of my time at work online. im on b3ta from 9-5 monday to friday reading all your posts. If i sit tall enough in my chair my boss behind me cant see me doing it. Im guilty as sin for interwebbing whilest im working.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:11, 2 replies)

I'm sorry to be thick but....
What does F5 do?
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:10, 10 replies)

Yes
Pissing in salads (and washing them out afterwards), cumming in Spaghetti bolognaisees, and bleeding into, well, anything really.

Oh B3ta, you have no idea how much I'm not joking. I've got a boner right now just thinking about it.

EDIT: This is my own food you understand. Well, and the girlfriends, but she's never noticed - it's still better than what she cooks.
( slippery doctore, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:07, 4 replies)

Lots
Playing air guitar.
Surfing the satellite music channels at 2am looking for either Metal or boobs.
A magnetic attraction to any comic that features a woman in a fur loincloth on the cover.
That delightful moment when you finally unleash the piss you've had to hold in.
Journey, Kansas, Styx, Boston, Def Leppard...
(Big D, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:05, Reply)

Snow....
i love it, when theres news that its on the way i will watch the lampost all night to see if it is or not. I get really p!ssed of when it doesnt and rains instead, like the majority of this year.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Piss after a wank
I'm sure most men on here enjoy it. You've had your wank, you've gone limp, and you go to the loo, dispose of any tissue, and have a piss.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:01, 9 replies)

bursting spots of any kind
pimples. black heads, yellow heads the lot.


I can stand infront of the mirror for 15 minutes and longer just exploring areas that usually bring a spotty harvest. Its great when i find a spot that ive missed...then POP!

I also have taken to bursting what i thought were spots on my ball sack. Ive been told they arent spots but hair stems, and to leave them alone.... sod that POP!
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

Mindbleach alert!
I like shaving my genitals. Dry. With a NEW twin-blade razor.





I'm 47 and pushing 110kg
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:59, 4 replies)

Pleasure of being a naughty old man
Maybe it's my age, but I've got very few guilty pleasures left. B3ta obviously - especially as I reserve it for work - yes I get paid for all my b3ta work. My trick is to write them as an email then copy and paste onto b3ta while half the screen is showing the 'history' - makes it much less obvious what site you're on. And the pleasure of making a 'most popular' - a pleasure I can't share with anyone (except you lot of course).

More pleasure and less guilt is printing off the 'best of' stories for last week's QOTW on a Friday morning and taking it to the pub at lunchtime to chortle over whilst supping a pint of Centurian's Ghost - does life get any better?

Currently though, I have a very guilty pleasure indeed. And I'm indulging in it again, right now. You see, around six months ago I noticed a girl at work. Just a girl, a very demure, shy-looking girl, but very pretty. She worked on the same floor as me (together with around 200 other people) though in a different team and a different department. As luck would have it, my desk is located very close to the toilets, and people wishing to use said facility nearly all have to pass me by. This meant that about twice a day, if I was at my desk and not too busy to notice, I would have the chance to glance up from my screen and either watch her back view disappear toilet-wards, and/or glance up to see her demure expression as she passed by on her way back to her desk about 75 feet north.

Gradually, I noticed other things about her: she trod very lightly - I never heard her walking up behind me - unlike some of the characters around here. I caught her eye once or twice and I swear she either blushed or smiled before looking down at the floor quickly. She always wore black trousers and usually a black top too. Her hair was dark and about shoulder length, her eyes dark too. If I were to try to describe her face, I'd say it had the sensuousness of a Caravaggio with the innocent naiveté of a Filippo Lippi madonna. Think Apollonia - the girl Michael Corleone fell in love with in Godfather II, but less startled doe and more kitten in the sunshine.

Anyway, this Monday, she started a new job: she is the PA/secretary for our department. We were formally introduced and now she sits in my line of sight, though about 20 feet away. Need I say more?

Not really, but I will. We were sent her c.v. before she started and not only is she 18 years younger than me but she was at the same school as my daughter, if 5 years above.

The guilty pleasure? Just looking at her - this morning I nearly groaned out loud when she sat at her desk eating a yoghurt. Well, a man can dream can't he? I certainly can.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:58, 8 replies)

Squeezing my boyfriend's back-ne (acne on the back)
At least four times a week, when I'm bored, or before bed.

He's a very spotty boy.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:56, Reply)

running up the stairs
using my hands as well as my feet

LOVE IT!!
( zulu eh?, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:49, 27 replies)

bum
picking my arse and sniffing the fingers.
(wrigglesworth, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:48, 3 replies)

Doesn't matter to me if anybody else is around...
I take great pleasure in crushing the shit out of all the kinder surprise eggs in the shop. Sometimes takes more than one pass at the isle, if the shop assistant is looking. But on a good day you can just fuckin’ pwn the whole lot at once.

And guess what time of year it is..?

Easter Eggs anyone?

This year i've set myself the task of a minor massacre at my local supermarket. The destruction of an entire stock of Easter Eggs could be considered a big ask, but by god, I’ll crush them or be kicked out trying.

Length – sell-by / life expectancy marginally reduced.
(ShitBitch, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:45, 4 replies)

kitteh fur
hehehe I smell my cats fur. i bury my face in her fur and take a good loooonnnggg sniff. She smells nice.

And as i live alone i suppose there is nothing else out of the ordinary. All my wierd stuff take place with my friends.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:44, 2 replies)

"Torchwood"
- oh and wanking over saved pics from facebook. (yes yes, we all do it)
(Flobby Boris is returned to /talk from the northern wastes., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:38, 4 replies)

I pick my nose
I'd hate for my mum to know I still do it. She's always telling everyone what a 'lovely' child I am.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:37, Reply)

i'm a cunt, 'cos i enjoy
- enabling the router firewall to block XBox Live and WoW on my flatmate's day off
- dropping pennies in unattended pints in the pub
- swearing at people who i have to give way to on narrow roads
- flashing the full beams in daylight at people who drive volvos
- forcing chavs to speed through speed cameras/police traps
- picking my nose while driving
- and pocket billiards (not while driving)

pray you never meet me on the roads
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:36, Reply)

Making the weekend shop bearable
When I was but a little chutney growing up in the North East of England I was obsessed by Vikings, the whole shebang, their history, mythology, the ships, the big shiny axes. And their method of writing…

Yes, at the age of about 12 precocious little chutney that I was back then, I knew runes.

No, not just knew them but could write them as well. As I grew older and my historical interests changed I became more interested in Anglo Saxon history and so rather predictably I learnt the Saxon Runic alphabet as well.

Of course as is the nature of life, time passed I grew up and found beer, then ladies and lots of other such equally enjoyable pastimes & eventually after much trying I became a man and put away the childish things of my youth.

But strangely not the runes.
No They have stuck. Years passed and memories grow dim but I still found I could write em and so dear reader that is why, my guilty pleasure is when (if I am organised enough) before I go shopping I write a list…
A shopping list if you will….
But this list will invariably be written like this…
"
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:34, 5 replies)

having a poo
i like to wipe my arse then smell the wipe.

I have no idea why i do this, also i like to pick my ears and smell that too, again, have no idea why...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:33, 2 replies)

Not me, but my brother…

You know when you’re driving down a street and there’s cars parked down both sides, only leaving room for one car to pass?

What usually happens is one car will wait to let the other drive by, and a friendly flash of the lights or wave is shared by the two passing strangers.

However, when my brother lets somebody go by, at the point of passing each other and receiving his smile and wave, he always sticks two fingers up and mouths ‘FUCK OFF!’.

Although I don’t condone this behaviour, seeing their reaction is usually pretty funny.

By the way, he’s nearly 40.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:26, 4 replies)

Any TV show that teaches wilderness survival skills
They are all so dreadful, and some of them give totally conflicting advice, but I can't tear my eyes away from them just incase I find myself lost in the forest with only my wits and a big fucking knife to survive with.

My favourite was "The Bush Tucker Man" from the late 1980's, I even remember the blokes name (Les Hiddins). He was an absolute legend, an ex-army major who would charge around the Australian outback in a suped-up landrover pointing out edible plants and animals, and if he found himself in crocadile country he would strap on a Magnum to blow the brains out of any croc that had the balls to take him on.

What do we get nowadays? Ray "Fat Cunt" Mears and Bear "I spent the night in a hotel" Grylls.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:26, 5 replies)

Farting in
my lift, (elevator for our Yankee mates); when I get out, and see someone waiting to get in, I do a little dance of joy.
I also like gurning at the concierge, via the cctv.
I've no idea why this makes me happy.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:22, Reply)

A List
1. Reading other peoples emails and chat logs (I work in digital forensics) is a truly endless source of joy (occasionally marred by nastiness) that helps get me through my working day.

2. Blocking my housemate's MAC address from the wireless router when his downloading interrupts my WoW play.

3. Listening to rock/metal/industrial hardcore on headphones at work, whilst nodding my head emphatically, and/or drumming my feet on the floor. In my open-plan office.

4. If a friend leaves their mobile phone unattended, taking a picture of my extended middle finger and setting it as their background.

5. Shaving my mohawk every day. I don't know whether it's the vibrations of the electric razor on my head, or the satisfaction of a freshly-shaved bonce, but I always feel miffed if i go more than a day without shaving.

6. The feeling of a brewing poo just reaching the final bend, that magical few minutes before you have to nip to the loo. Through concentration and careful manipulation of the peristalsis process, you can drag this euphoric sensation out for about 20 minutes.

7. If bored on a train, seeing if you can master the art of tantric masturbation. I'm hoping that, once i can achieve an orgasm purely by the use of my mind (no touching or rubbing), i can then extend my powers on to other people. I would almost certainly be corrupted by this awesome power.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:14, Reply)

I should be more ashamed of this list...
-I love cuddles, I dont care who it is from. Sometimes I make my best mate hug me, coz he is 6'5" and it makes ya feel like you are tiny.

-I like leaving the window open at night, so me and Boblady have to jump under the duvet quick. I love waking up with a warm body and a cold nose.

-I like looking at pictures of my friends, and making very subtle comments on them looking chubby.

-I like telling Boblady's younger brothers thing that people their age shouldn't know yet.

-I love it when the eldest of her brothers calls me gay, just so I can tell him I fuck his sister every day I am at the house.

-I love watching shit Digital stuff. Especially at 2am, when it is all 'My Rotisserie' and 'No Wet Wonderform'.

-I love it at work, when I go and lock myself in the loo just to have 5 minutes to myself.

-I love singing really loud despite having the world's worst singing voice.

-I like it when I am at a party, and a friend gets drunk, so I have to look after them.

-I love starting rumours using the hell that is Facebook.

-Never, NEVER, underestimate how good having a big poo feels.
(bobman500 enjoys a grope as much as the next fella, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 14:09, 3 replies)