Whilst I'm writing this
I am interfering with myself.





I am at work.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:36, Reply)

Thanks for the memories Frank!



When I was 14 or 15 a mate and I were at a summer fete where we robbed a collection box and a ream of stickers from the charity stall. We spent the day wandering about getting money thrown at us without even asking. The Boy Scouts were the official collectors yet, there was the pair of us in our civvies grabbing the loot.

Eventually, some little shit of a Cub Scout spotted us and, as is the Aspergers mentality of the uniform-craving mentalists, decided we needed to be grassed-up to the authorities.

Let me tell you, running through crowds of people, being chased by two policemen, whilst carrying a mayonnaise container full of coins of the realm, is fucking difficult. But we managed to give them the slip by hiding in a horse stall.

We made around forty-odd quid which, back in the late '70's was a small fortune. I spent my half on Airfix kits and sweets. So, if there's any starving Third Worlders looking in, I'm sorry that my lust for injection-moulded polystyrene and sugar-enriched cholesterol builders got in the way of you having a bite to eat or a shiny new goat for your village.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:35, Reply)

Boring but true
I once set my alarm clock so I could get up early the next day to do drugs.
( girlinthehole, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:25, Reply)

So many
1) When I was nine, I stood up in front of the whole school at assembly to say that I was having a jumble sale to raise money for handicapped children. I had the sale and spent all the proceeds on chocolate eclairs for myself.
2) I had sexual intercourse with a tall glass of baked beans.
3) I stayed at the Holy Peninsua of Mount Athos in Greece after lying to them about being a Christian. Then I knocked one off in the lavs while there.
4) I stamped on the hand of a child beggar in Poland as he tried to get a coin from under my foot.
5) I shagged a friend who was unconscious after drinking all afternoon.
6) I regularly stole money from the Spastics Society donation box at my work and spent it on chocolate bars.
7) While working at B&Q I accused a child of breaking a lampshade I had dropped and then watched as his father beat him quite severely.
8) While trying to shag a Christian at univeristy, I was subjected to a group praying session and secretly prayed that everyone present would die instantly - apart from me, obviously.
9) I stole money from a girlfriend in China in order to go for a slap-up binge at Pizza Hut. I told her I needed it for an exit visa.
10) I don't love my family. I have no feelings for them at all.

Good job there's no god, eh?
(frankspencer, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Noooooooo! I wont tell
Ok - I once owned a copy of playgirl.

But not for the reasons you may be thinking.
( girlinthehole, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:22, Reply)

I can see me filling this topic all by myself



When I was about 10 or 11.

There was this boy my own age on our street named Paul who was a cunt of the first water. As an only child, he was spoilt rotten with every whim catered to. We dreaded having to play in his house as, after every playtime was over, we'd have to return with a parent in tow to reclaim all our dinky toys which he'd taken as "That's mine!". He was big for his age so nobody could challenge him but, to make it worse, he was given a puppy.

The dog was a border collie cross and thanks to Paul's sadism was utterly mental. He'd trained it to hide by the front gate and then launch itself on any of us kids who were passing by. He'd piss himself laughing as the dog chased us around the place, snapping at our heels.

One day as myself and some others played in a neighbouring house, Paul lifted up the dog and dropped him into the garden where he started with his snapping and biting socks antics. I ran for the garden wall to climb into my own house but caught my shin on the concrete giving myself some nasty scrapes. I ran indoors sobbing to my mother who asked me if the dog had bitten me. In a flash, I said that it had.

Before I knew it, my mother had organised a delegation which marched on Paul's house. My leg wound was shown to all and tempers rapidly rose. Paul's dad, who was a decent sort really, promised he'd sort it out and, sure enough, the dog was gone the following day. For a week or so afterwards, I was a local hero to my peers and cosseted by their parents for my ordeal. Because of the 'evidence' Paul couldn't talk his way out of it or bully me into saying otherwise so there was no comeback.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Fat birds! Fucking! Foursomes!
Many years ago, while young, fit and (more) attractive I went on a University trip with a group of other students. Niall and I decided to room together in the apartment booked by the Uni, being great mates and partners in crime.

Niall and I, I should mention, had some weeks before spent an entire week closeted in my living room, surrounded by booze etc, leaving only for toilet breaks and showers. It was a hard week. I should also clarify we were solely friends and no manlove was on the agenda.

Now, we were away for several nights and decided that we would be well advised to take a stash with us, as well as a stereo and other assorted luxuries. Particularly vodka.

One evening we decided to dodge our more focussed colleagues and go out for a night. We subsequently found the grimiest hard house club we could, and ate our stash, spending the night dancing and prancing and having enormous fun.

About 10 minutes from closing I volunteered to get the coats, leaving Niall with a friendly warning against pulling a fat bird. I said this jokily as, after all, we were sharing a room and there had been no hint of ogling during the night.

At this juncture it is appropriate to mention that Niall had a taste for the, erm, larger lady (size 20+). Suffice to say, when I returned he had a bloater in tow. Doom. To compound the situation, she had brought a friend for me. More Doom.

These girls, as well as being (in my view) physically unappealing, were also rough as you like, coming from one of the rougher council estates in the area and in the taxi back were loudly debating "oo'd fucked the most blurks".

Niall rubbed his hands with glee at pulling a dirty bloater. I was polite, but inwardly terribly distressed.

We arrived back at the room, and Niall and his girl displayed an impressive abandon, having a good passionate snog and grope while I adjusted the stereo, made tea and made polite conversation with the girl nominated for me, who was beginning to regard me with that look you see on the face of a hungry lion when faced with a defenceless child.

My avoidance techniques didn't work, and as Niall and his partner began to remove clothes and get down to business it was impossible to dodge having a snog, all the while trying to remain aloof and uninterested.

Then it happened. Niall noticed I wasn't terribly keen on the girl I had been lumbered with. He made an inappropriate joke, and left me trying desperately for a clever and witty comment that wouldn't a) ruin his shag or b) leave me looking stupid.

I was saved, however, by his partner. Clearly believing herself to be stunning, and irresistable bait. she chimed in with a loud "Oo's up forra foursome?"

My squeak of horror was matched only by Niall's squeak of excitement. "Come on mate, let's go for it!" he said. "Eeeerrrrrrrr", I replied, eloquently. "Come on, it's not that I want to see your cock, but how often do you get offered a foursome with two birds! Look, I'll tell people yours was fit if they ask!"

And that, I'm afraid to say, did it. Off came the clothes and on I hopped. Away we went, and four hours later I felt dirty, used, regretful yet quite proud to have had a foursome. In a dirty kind of way.

We sneaked them out about 6.30am and retired to bed, thrilled to have achieved the perfect crime.

Or not.

The next morning the others in the apartment gave us a round of applause, mixed with catcalls and abuse. The supervising lecturer had a smile on his face and asked how the evening had been, along with a rebuke for not seeing the group that night, before adding "Mind you, it seems that you found yourself something else to do".

Sadly, we hadn't realised how noisy we were when discussing what we'd do, or how noisy we were while doing what we did.

Still, we had a foursome!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:15, Reply)

Yawning Dog...
I visited a Spanish Whorehouse and podged a very ugly cock-breathed woman with a vag so flappy I didn't touch the sides - I may as well of stuck my old boy out of the window and made love to the night.

That was probably the worst 42 seconds of both our lives...

What makes this worse, is that I have most likely by now given my girlfriend her AIDS.
(wrigglesworth, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

It's not really a secret
but to the drunken Scotsman who passed out in my living room last night - Martin, I drew all those St. George's flags on you. And the bit that said "I love Beckham".
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Tortoises can't fly. Can't even glide.
When I was but a young Enzyme, I was asked to look after the neighbours' tortoise while they were on holiday. One fine morning, as I picked her up, she pooed. I was only young, and it freaked me out a bit (I was easily freaked); result: dropped the beast.

A little while later, the tortoise had to be put down because of a nasty infection in a crack down her shell. Oops. Think that might have had something to do with me.

I've been carrying that around with me for something like 20 or 25 years. I am genuinely ashamed. When I get to Hell, one of my punishments will involve being dropped onto a garden path by a giant tortoise. For eternity.

Click "I like this!" if you think that personal visions of Hell would provide an amusing QOTW.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:06, Reply)

nowt wrong with Helen Mirren
or JK Rowling.

But I am a bit guilty thinking maybe Beth Ditto is top grade wanking material. Hairy armpits and everything. Jesus.
(shanvishnu, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:06, Reply)

I'll get me coat
I'm 42 years old, but for some time I've been mascaurading as a much younger and sillier person on a website on the tinternet.

Plus my spelling is atrocious
( girlinthehole, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:03, Reply)

I'd do Jade Goody
It's not something I'm proud of and I hate myself for it.

But I would.

Also probably Helen Mirren.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Oopsy
Back when I was 13, my hormones started to show themselves in the fact I could think of nothing but sex, sex and more sex. So, to try and satisfy my urges, I wrote a sex story and hid it under my pillow.

Who should find it but my mother when she went to change my bed... she expressed her disgust at my accurate knowledge of everything and continually asked for the next month or so "why would you do something like that to me?"

So yeah, it would have been a dirty secret, but it wasn't.

Length? A whole sheet of A4.
(Dracia flailed on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:54, Reply)

I've never told anyone this but we're all friends here right?



There was this girl I was in college with and really fancied something rotten. She'd knocked me back several times, nice and gently mind, but knocked me back all the same.

One Christmas, as I lived locally and would be around over the holidays, I volunteered to mind herself and her mates house, feed the cat etc.

I spent several days going through all their stuff, reading their letters and poking through their computer files. Going by the browser cache, one of them had a penchant for lezdom strapon porn - the filthy minx.

I, err, 'liberated' a couple of snapshots showing two of her housemates topless on holidays seeing as the house was a typical student rubbish tip, I figured nobody would be any the wiser.

My crowning achievement was stripping naked, climbing into the bed of my inamorata and wanking myself raw into pairs of her skimpies. I stuffed the soiled undies into my coat pocket took them home and washed them before returning them.

I replaced the clean knickers in her drawer and came downstairs and went to feed the cat. Just as I opened the tin of catfood, one of her housemates who'd come back early walked through the door. I was convinced my face was like a beetroot and, instead of my usual calm, chatty manner bumbled and stuttered like Boris Johnson on speed before making my excuses and legging it.

I don't know if they ever suspected anything or if it was just my paranoia detecting 'pointed remarks' where there were none to begin with.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:53, Reply)

.....
I was in the living room one night watching a bit of late night TV. As usual nothing was on, I was pretty horny at this stage, and was flipping through all the channels for some "suitable viewing material".

I couldn't find anything, so i had to make do with what i can find which happen to be Totally Spies on Jetix, with a little ugly bloke in the corner doing sign language really off putting......

Bloody good wank though :)
(Poo_Pipe_Pirate, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:43, Reply)

wormy
as a young, innocent, schoolgirl, i was generally very well behaved, never forgot my homework, always tried my best, never kicked or injured anyone. But there was one weird guy in the year below me, who used to eat lumps of lard for lunch, and arrive at school on a tractor. He took to bullying my wee sister, and I asked him to stop. 'Oh yeah, and what'll you do if i don't?' was his lovely reply (it would have been more sweary i'm sure, but I was 10, he was 9, and we were in a very small country school!). I couldn't think of anything, so he carried on.

Then one day I had a bright idea. He was scared of worms. I wasn't. I'd seen a couple of dead worms in the school garden that morning. So i collected them, and hid them in his sandwich just before lunchtime.

Never heard a male squeal in horror like that before or since. He got a fear of eating lunch at school, and is now (15 or so years later) close to being committed to an asylum. whether or not that is related to the worms I know not. But nobody found out, someone else got the blame, and um, i feel a little guilty about it. sorry.
( ascorbate, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:42, Reply)

I have a little confession to make.
My sister's 13. Yesterday, she went to her friend's house in town, and both my parents were in work. I walked past her room, and I noticed she'd left a pair of panties on the floor by the door. It was a cute little thong, like the tiny ones, and it was just lying there, like she didn't care. I guess she changed before she left. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to have a look. So I picked them up, and I was like really nervous, checking all the windows. After a while my libido got the best of me, thinking about this little piece of cloth up her arse and everything...I ended up sniffing her panties, and wanking with them on my face. The smell and everything just got me so hard, I was streaming over her carpet and everything. Then I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "Fresh" and there was dice in the mirror, if anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought nah forget it, yo home to Bel-Air! I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "Yo home, smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne, as the Prince of Bel-Air.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:39, Reply)

One night
I was drinking beer but managed to get disproportionately pissed and ended up going round to some burd's house for sex.

I think she must have spiked my pints, as I'm normally a shy type.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:34, Reply)

i put a handful of ferret food in my flatmate's wheetos
they were approximatly the same shape so he didn't notice at first. after a few good mouthfuls he started complaining that it tasted fish like.

now you know. ferret food tastes like fish.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:34, Reply)

poor cat
when i was about 7 i kicked a cat round the side of the house and it died. It didn't just drop dead either, it did this horrible death-yawn stretch silent scream and then dropped dead. And I actually really like cats, don't even know why I kicked it. I think I threw it over the hedge and pretended to not hear my Dad when he said a few weeks later 'Jaysus something stinks round here'. :(
(shanvishnu, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Bless me father for I have sinned



About ten years ago now.

A mate of mine, Joe, who was always a bit 'fragile' had a serious mental breakdown. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia after he broke into a cafe, smashed up the place and then tried to top himself.

Anyway, we all rallied round to help him through it, well, everyone but the selfish cunt that is yours truly who resented this baby sitting lark.

He constantly called round to our house as it was near the city centre and his parents trusted us to look after him. The odd visit I wouldn't have minded but he practically moved into our front room and would spend night after night drinking umpteen cups of tea and hogging the tv remote.

A few months of this and I'm getting more and more fed up. Then one night, as he was wittering on and on about his problems, I lost it, opened the front door and invited him to stand on the other side of it as I'd had enough. He stormed off down the road and I breathed a sigh of relief.

The following morning, there was loud knocking on my door. His mother and sister were outside wanting to know where Joe was as he hadn't come home the night before. Before I could stop myself, I came out with "Eh? But he left here for the last bus in fine form." They left highly upset to contact the police and I tried to get my story together.

Long story short, Joe showed up two days later after going on a major bender - mixing whiskey with his pills which wasn't a good idea. He smashed up several cars and tried to break into a pub several miles outside the city. He had no memory of me chucking him out, in fact, he didn't recall even being at my house that night so I was in the clear.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:32, Reply)

From a long time ago
When we moved house when I was a lad, before the garden was done (it was a new house) my dad put up one of those whirly washing dryer thingies so my mum could have somewhere to dry the washing in the absence of a proper drying green.

I was about 4 or 5 and managed to break it.

I never let on about it, and some "wild lad" from up the road got the blame. I resolved to myself that I would own up when I turned 21.

Well, I turned 21 quite a few years back, and never said anything, as it seemed too inconsequential by then. Plus the fact I'd seem silly by owning up!

So I've kept it to myself ever since, and you b3tards are now privy to my long pent up secret.

Hmm, that's actually quite cathartic.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:31, Reply)

Parting Gift
Back at my first law firm, aged just 18, I went for a poo one afternoon, the day before I was due to go on holiday. It was one of those ones (I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about here) that requires endless reams of shit tickets. It blocked the bog. I didn't tell anyone. Off I went, happily on my holiday!
On my return, everyone was gossiping about how Melanie (one of the partners) had blocked the toilet with a huge turd! Nobody knows it was ME!!!
(NJ, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:29, Reply)

Big-girls-blouse
You know what's sadder? I spike my boyfried of THREE YEARS' wine with tequila when he's being 'boring'.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:23, Reply)

I like
Savage Garden.

*shames*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:23, Reply)

Urgh!
I got a guy really pissed by putting shots in his beer so he would go home with me for sex - It's not that I'm really ugly - it's just that he was really shy.
( girlinthehole, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:20, Reply)

About 10 years ago
Our football team were having its usual monthly riotous night out.Myself and another player in the team,picked up what could loosely be termed as females and were invited back to one of their houses.

After a quick discussion on the pros and cons,(they were both a bit on the large side but a shag is a shag in the end) we decided to go back with them.

After having done the deed,taking ages to locate the hole among the layers of fat,I decided to go to sleep,so the thing beside me puts on her knickers and a t shirt and announces she is ready to sleep too.

I awoke in the early hours of the morning,feeling the worse for wear and dying for a piss,I had no idea where the toilet was and as it was a fairly big house,I couldn't be arsed wandering about looking for it.I must have drifted back to sleep because I awoke soon after and could feel myself just about to empty my bladder.

My 'conquest' was in a deep sleep next to me,facing me,so I turned towards her and pissed over the front of her massive pants and over her thighs and sheets.I shook her awake and said"Er,I think you have had an accident in your sleep" or words to that effect. She was totally mortified,she burst into tears and begged me not to say anything.I promised I wouldn't and she was that grateful,she gave me a blowjob before I left.

I still have no idea to this day what possessed me to do such a deed,I told one of mates about it a day or 2 after the event,instead of the expected reaction of him pissing himself laughing,he looked at me in complete disgust and said I was a dirty bastard.

I saw her a few weeks after it and she apologised profusely,I didn't feel any guilt whatsoever,as she kept saying sorry and asked me to go back to hers.

I'm not a bad person really,honest
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:20, Reply)

More Sad than anything really but....
I look at imdb every day and see who's birthday it is.

It gets worse

Today Zach Ward is 37 now most of you wont know who he is but I did straight away he played Bobby Davis in Freddy Vs Jason.
A fairly minor role but I am obsessed with the site every film I can think of I read all the quotes, the trivia, the goofs and pour over the actors profiles for hours clicking away to see what crap they have been in.

From time to time I get caught in a Kevin Smith loop.

I have no life
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 13:20, Reply)