Think I may have posted this before.
Manchester United fans. Directing them in the opposite direction to Old Trafford when asked where it is.

Nasty, or a public service?

Discuss, 5000 words by Friday.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 12:35, 9 replies)

Gotta Get Through This
One Christmas we were all out after work and decided that a karaoke bar was a good choice.

When we got in there it was full of the usual spongos trying to sing so we decided to set up one of our mates to join their illustrious ranks.

Now, he looked a bit like Daniel Beddinfield. And he was really shy. So we picked "Gotta Get Through This" as his number (lololol, etc), and told him that we would all go up there and sing it with him because we knew he wouldn't go alone.

Cue 15 blokes all filing on to the stage and, with *perfect* comedy-timing, filing straight back off the other side, just as the song started, leaving my poor mate to get through it on his own.

Bless him, he was a good sport though and stuck it out.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 12:17, Reply)

And another..
For starting relationships that I know I already want out of.

Woop.
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Mon 15 Dec 2008, 12:11, 2 replies)

Kids are stupid
When we were about 12, my brother and I used to play tennis on the road outside my mate's house.

His neighbour was a really annoying little ankle-biter who used to want us to play with him on his trike all the time - and who used to regularly get in the way of the tennis.

One day, when he was in the middle of the tennis court/road and we wanted to move him we resorted to a Wayne's World-esque, "CAAAAR".

He responded sensibly and got off the road.

Surprisingly this continued to work for a long time after the initial phantom-car never materialised. Eventually though he, like the Borg, adapted and was once again impeding the tennis.

What happened next was, I have to say, a stroke of evil-genius.

I told him that there was a monster coming for him.

Man-alive, did he flip out.

I told him that he would need to a) move into his garden for safety, and b) wildly flail his arms to fight off the beast.

This kept him off the tennis court for long enough to play out our grand slam through our occasional re-enforcement that he was winning the fight, but there were still more monsters.

Picture the scene, three 12 year olds playing tennis whilst a wee nipper flails around in his garden bawling his eyes out, whilst we struggle to contain ourselves.

And I guess it looked exactly as bad as it was to his Mum when she bollocked us for it.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 12:07, Reply)

In the pub
I was a bit tiddly, and there was a large group of us, minus Paul who had a new bird we dont like. Later that evening he actually turned up, sans bird. We ridiculed him for hours about why he never came out any more, and what the fuck was she doing to him etc etc. He was getting quite wound up but kept his nerve.

After one fairly harsh verbal battering he gave in.

"LOOK! For fucks sake you bunch of fucking morons. She's got M.E. Thats why she cant come out, she's long term sick. You bunch of absolute wankers."

Stone. Cold. Silence.

Except for me. After 5 seconds, in a classic waving my bottle about drunkenly fashion, I slurred...

"Oh its all ME ME ME isnt it? Its not ME, its COS SHES A FUCKING LAZY BITCH who's destroying your life."

...etc. for about a minute.

Its been about 15 years and I still feel terrible.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 12:02, 13 replies)

Racial Epithets
I was out on a double-date with a friend in jolly Manchester (Sinclair's, if you know it) when the flower salesman came up to us and offered us a chance to woo our respective dates with an investment in shite roses.

I respectfully declined, but this guy was not giving up and continued to push the benefits of buying a shite rose.

Hearing an unwavering "no", from me, he turned to my mate and uttered, "Now that's a Jew's smile if I ever saw one."

A Jew's smile?

Not being a Jew, I didn't know if this was a common racial assault to endure, but I decided that I would, on behalf of all Jew-kind, stand up and be counted.

"Excuse me, you can't come over here and racially abuse me just because I'm a Jew and don't want to buy your shitty flowers."

"It's a figure of speech mate"

"No, it's a racial epithet. I couldn't tell you that you had a 'Nigger's Run' and expect to get away with it."

Yes, he was a black man. And yes, that was a silly thing to say, even though I thought I was fighting for good.

Still, I didn't end up buying a rose.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:56, 14 replies)

There are so many reasons, but this is probably the most comical
Me and my cousin were 13 and 14 respectively. My eldest nephew who we had been asked to look after for a short while was 4. We turned down the sound on the TV and mimed fake conversations for 10 minutes and successfully convinced a 4 year old boy that he had gone deaf. We laughed through his worry. Are we going to hell for it? Quite likely. Is my uncle, 45 at the time, going to hell for playing along? Definitely.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:48, 1 reply)

Breaking Up Is Harsh To Do
An ex of mine was a tiresome drama-queen and loved that, being a girl, she was effectively holding all the cards that mattered to a 17 year-old.

Anyway, one night we were out having a shandy or two for another friend's birthday. She decided that I was spending too much time *dancing* with everyone who was out and not enough time *sulking* at the table with her, so she dumped me.

Now, the way this usually worked was: she dumped me, I pleaded, we discussed, she ended up getting the attention that she wanted, and we carried on as normal.

Deciding that this game had become old, my response to being dumped this time was to say:

"Fine, I'll send you the bill tomorrow".

We didn't patch things up that time.
(Her Ghost zomegle.com, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:48, Reply)

Wassup G
I am going to hell because I once drunkenly and non-ironically said

“Hey, Wassup G. We cool?” to a random black guy in a bar.

Fuck’s sake.

My friends told me about it the next day. Luckily the guy thought I was retarded though.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:47, Reply)

I'm going to hell
cos I shagged your mum...twice

Bindun?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:47, 11 replies)

I don't know if this qualifies me for hell
But it'll make heaven a bit awkward if I ever get there...

I once got paid to dress up as a nun and sing for three hours in Liverpool Street Station. Nowt wrong with that, impersonating a bride of Christ. At least it doesn't say so in the ten commandments.

All was going well. We sang the same eight songs on repeat for three hours and when we finished, all hoarse and giggly from all the singing, caffeine and leers from commuters, we trooped off to the ladies together because that's what ladies do, despite some of us not knowing each other, but hey.

As you know if you are a lady you can have nice girly bathroom moments with your lady companions. As I reapplied my (admittedly not very nun-like) lipgloss, I brightly trilled "This is fucking ace! I can't believe they're paying us £200 each to dress up like penguins and warble for three hours! Easiest weekend on the piss I've ever earned!" to the nun next to me... who wasn't a young studenty type... who didn't have the giveaway flared jeans and trainers peeping out of the bottom of her habit... who had a rosary at her waist... and a disapproving expression... and who then told me she would "pray for me" that weekend...

I mumbled "Sorry sister" and promptly fled as all the other fake nuns stifled giggles and the other real nuns looked on disapprovingly.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:46, 8 replies)

Gilbrecht and Solomon present:
dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum...

I am the very model of a left-wing intellectual
I'm Jewish and a communist and also homosexual
I fight for every evil and un-German ideology
Like Bolshevism, anarchy and Freudian psychology!

He fights for every evil and un-German ideology
and maybe he's a British spy who's stealing our technology!

I'm decadent, undisciplined, and not authoritarian
I don't believe the Japanese are altogether Aryan
I'm rather fond of gypsies and believe in relativity
I don't turn up to Hitler Youth, I'd rather have a cup of tea!

A decadent, undisciplined, Judeo-Communistic swine
We wish he'd find the energy to bugger off to Palestine!

(note: this is the fault of this post)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:37, 20 replies)

TV Hell
My sister phoned me, drunkenly, on Saturday evening.

"SISTER!!!" she roared down the phone. "YOU HAVE TO DO ME A VERY IMPORTANT FAVOUR!!!!"

I braced myself for her request. Lend her money? Donate my eggs? Act as a surrogate for her unborn baby? What could be so vital to her happiness?

"YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR EOGHAN - MY MOBILE PHONE NETWORK WON'T LET ME!!!!"

I wish I could pretend to have never heard of X-Factor, but I have, so I muttered "X-Factor? Not a chance. Not even for family."

Still she begged. I heard a long, rambling, drunken tirade about how Eoghan was the Great White Norn Iron hope, uniting our previously war-torn country with the joyful and triumphant gift of song. His winning the X-Factor would heal the wounds of The Troubles in a way Bono could only ever dream of, and doves would soar in the sky through rainbows into the dawn of a brighter tomorrow.

"Okay," I said. "Give me the number." And then I pretended to write it down, even going as far as to pretend to scribble with my finger, even though she was on the phone and couldn't see me, even going "uhuh, uhuh" and repeating numbers back to her. Then I said "right, okay, I'll vote now". Then I hung up, made a cup of tea, and went back to listening to Radio 4.

I'm not sure if it is worse to betray the trust of one's sibling or to cast a vote on a phone-in for a skincrawlingly awful TV show. I like to think I chose the lesser of two evils.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:26, 10 replies)

The Seven Deadly Sins and Your Mum
Sorry, it's going to be one of those mornings. My supervisor's ill and my data's borked, so I'm afraid it's come to this.

1.Lust
I want yer mum
2.Gluttony
I ate yer mum
3.Greed
I want all yer mums...
4.Sloth
...but that sounds like too much effort
5.Wrath
ROOOOOOOAAARRRR! Yer mum.
6.Envy
How come you get yer mum and I don't?
7.Pride
I had yer mum. /smug

Edit: Sloth (ii) I would have had yer mum. But I can't be arsed _{Courtesy of BGB - many thanks!}


Sorry. Really sorry. I'll get back to work now _{on yer mum}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:15, 8 replies)

This isn't hell worthy. Probably just the naughty step at the gates of heaven
I was watching tv one sunday and country watch was on. My ex's 6 yr old walked into the room just at the moment they decided to hold down a young bull, twist it's testicles and then chop them off.
'Eeewww, what are they doing?' he asked with same look I'd imagine someone to have who's just seen their gran eat her own faeces.
'That's where olives come from', I replied.
The olive loving scamp then left the room to announce to mum that he was never eating olives ever again. Mum wasn't very happy with me...

I also once informed him that coca cola was made from the sweat of black people. Once again mum failed to see the funny side. He still drinks coke.

He also came home from school one day and proudly started telling all and sundry that mum was a Latvian.
'Mums a latvian, mums a latvian!' was the rallying cry as we got ready for dinner.
On further questioning I realised that what he actually meant to say was, 'Mums a lesbian'. He meant it in an innocuous way of course as he'd just heard the word at school, but being the pedant that I am I corrected him and he trotted round the rest of the evening shouting 'MUMS A LESBIAN!!'.
On this occasion mum did thank me, but I think I detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 11:01, 1 reply)

The 10 commandments and 7 deadly sins
1. You shall have no other gods before me
erm...I don't believe in God
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol
When I was 14 and on a school trip to Rome we made a shrine to Spam
3. You shall not take the Lord's name in vain
Oh god, not this one again...guilty.
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
I can't remember the last time I didn't do some form of work/play on a Sunday
5. Honour your father and mother
Had sex in their bed aged 18
6. You shall not murder
You should have heard my awful rendition of Lean On Me. Seriously though, to my knowledge I've never murdered anyone.
7. You shall not commit adultery
Another rare one I haven't broken! Wey hey!
8. You shall not steal
I'd like to meet someone who has genuinely never stolen anything.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour
I can bullshit for Britain, won an olympic medal for it in Sydney 2000
10. You shall not covet your neighbour's ass(ets)
This is pretty much saying that you are *not* allowed to see your mates car/PS3/girlfriend and think "wow I want that". Nonesense.

ok so I've broken 8/10 of the commandments, missing adultery and murder. Let's try the 7 deadly sins

1. Lust
Have had sex and I'm not married. Have seen girls and wanted to have/actually have had sex with them
2. Gluttony
Most people have had that moment in a restaurant where they're full but they keep eating.
3. Greed
The over-wishful thinking of wanting to acquire and hold onto wealth. Ever said 'no' to a big issue seller for no good reason? Ever been stingy with a colleague's birthday present? Ever wanted a raise at work even though you don't really need the money? Gotcha.
4. Sloth
It's 10.30am and I'm sat at home in my underpants eating Coco Pops and watching daytime TV.
5. Wrath
Apparently you can tick this box by taking out your anger on someone or something that didn't deserve it. Never done that? Liar. Punching a wall, "being in a stressy mood", arguing for no good reason. Yep.
6. Envy
Similar to greed, this one works along the lines of wanting somebody to be deprived of something and for you to 'take their place'. This includes the smug cnut who got a promotion ahead of you for being a kiss arse. This includes wanting someone else's boyfriend. This includes seeing someone else's food in the restaurant and wanting to swap plates with them.
7. Pride
The true meaning of pride is a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to give compliments to others though they may be deserving of them, and excessive love of self. Whereas at one time or another we've probably done the first two things mentioned, the second two would really require someone of epic cuntiness. So half marks here.

So I've done 6.5/7 deadly sins too, kinda missing out on pride.

Apparently I'm going to burn quite deliciously, and so are all of you.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:51, 3 replies)

I should be going to hell...
because of an idea I've had for a show.

Inspired by a drunken evening down the pub, where we were discussing Jerry Spring the Opera, the general amount of piffling shite that seems to make up the greater part of west end musicals at the moment, and the need for more offensive material in musicals (well, Andrew Lloyd-Webber music is pretty offensive, but we were talking more about plots etc).

Anyway, we came up with an idea for a musical revue, using the songs of Gilbert & Sullivan. Partly because they're nice, recognisable tunes, but mostly because they're out of copyright. We wanted to make it controversial, simply to try and stop the tide of inoffensive, unremarkable crap that is overtaking theatres. And what's one of the most controversial subjects you can use for a comedy musical revuew? That's right: the Holocaust!

So turning songs from "A policeman's lot is not a happy one (happy one)" into "A Nazi's lot is not a happy one...". "A Wandering Minstrel I" becomes "A Camp Commander I". "What a Wonderful Thing it is to be a Pirate King" has 'Commondante' instead of 'Pirate King'.
Worst of all: the Major General's song from "Pirates of Penzance" (most famously known as the tune to Ton Lehrer's "Elements Song") becomes the "List Song": replacing the original words/names of the elements with the names of all the people Schindler saved...

This has only ever been discussed in the pub with friends and so is very much a thought only (we've not even written anything down), and yet we've mapped out entire songs, a plot, and discussed how to try and raise money to take the show to the Edinburgh Fringe. I've spoken with a few friends (one Jewish) about whether they would be offended by it, and the general consensus has been: "you're so going to hell. But do it!". The Jew is a b3tan and eats sausages, so I'm not sure whether she's the right person to consult anyway... But yes, I think simply because I'm considering this to be in any way a realistic possibility of a show, I'm hell-bound.

EDIT: Apeloverage has just won the internet, with his post: www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/post329043
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:46, 21 replies)

Tetris Hell
I am going to hell because I made a Faustian pact with the devil.

I literally sold my soul to the Devil for one of those long shapes in Tetris when I was going for a high score.

So now I am going to Hell. However I do have a great high score in Tetris.

Yay me!


*burns*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:40, Reply)

"Children of the Sun, now your time has just begun..."
I am going to hell because of my mismatched priorities.

I couldn’t tell you when my mother’s birthday is. I know it’s either in June or July. I actually couldn’t tell you when any of my siblings’ birthdays are except the approximate month.

I don’t know my own house phone number. I look like a div when anyone asks me because I have to look it up on my mobile. I also can’t remember my own work mobile number.

I don’t know when my bills are paid.

I don’t know when my parents wedding anniversary is.

I can’t remember when *my* wedding anniversary is.

However, I can sing from memory the original Ewok song from Return of the Jedi with 100% accuracy. I can also perfectly rap Mobb Deep’s ‘Shook Ones part 2’ even though I haven’t heard it for years and years and when it came on the radio the other day I totally shocked and surprised all my friends in the car.

I also know every character part of the animated film of ‘Transformers: The Movie’ and can act it out with the appropriate gestures. I can also sing all of the songs from the soundtrack.

I also can sing the theme tune for ‘The Mysterious Cities of Gold’.

I think I need to get my life in order.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:35, 9 replies)

I am going to hell for lying
I told people at Uni that I was a Mature Student because I had spent time in Prison for "Involuntary Man Slaughter", what ever the hell that is... Then I had to pad out the story when asked for details by a gullible fresher!

The lie was born when I got bored of the usual excuse of "I spent a couple of years being Dole Scum and riding my mountain Bike on Dartmoor!" I elaborated and the story became that I dropped a client off of a mountain while working as a Climbing Instructor and then spent three years at her Majesties Leisure.

So from no where a rumour spread around the Uni that I was a maniac, which I thought hugely funny... Until the young teenage fresher from the Channel islands confronted me and was horrified that I had lied to him for a "Joke"...

Cue much guilt and I know I am going to burn... Especially when I became a Satanist for a few weeks out of boredom during a Summer Holiday!

Also I love Sickipedia and laugh really loudly and inappropriately at jokes about Rape. My favourite being 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape...

I can feel the flames licking at my ankles already...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:34, 4 replies)

When scattering, please scatter away from children, animals and fools
I'm standing on the top of a hill at a local beauty spot, on a fireroad, chatting to one of the forest rangers. Then he notices some ashes on the ground and points them out.

"Oh yes", said me, poking it with my boot. "Doesn't look like there's been a fire though, the ground's not charred?"

"No Alex, Ashes, from a cremation."

"Fuck."

I'd just kicked away at someone's dear departed. My next thought? "Arse, I've got dead person on me again."
(Dark Lord, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:25, 3 replies)

I'm going to hell for pimping myself shamelessly.
www.b3ta.com/board/9024336

See?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:23, 2 replies)

When I think about you
Last week I introduced my mother to the joys of SingStar. I explained to her how to sing along to any of the cheesey tracks she so desired. She wailed Barbie Girl with great gusto, then grabbed the box to find out what other songs were available for her to slaughter.

"I Touch Myself?" she asked. "What kind of a song is I Touch Myself?"

I launched enthusiastically into the chorus before trailing off as she stared wide-eyed at me.

"But... who would actually do THAT?" she asked, aghast.

I'm going to hell because I can tell thousands and thousands of people on the Interweb all about touching myself, but when my ma asked me a question about masturbation I denied all knowledge of such an activity. Perhaps honouring your father and mother means never saying you've been stroking your mimsy.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 10:08, 8 replies)

Bad thoughts
Last night, I'm watching Sports Personality of the year much to my girlfriends chagrin.

It was my reward for putting up with the dancing and X-Factor on Saturday night.

She's bored senseless, so she's trying to get my attention. There's caressing and kissing and attempts at seduction.

And I'm watching the GB Cycling team pick up the team of the year award.

My girlfriend is trying to use her womanly charms.

And suddenly the thought pops into my head and is out of my mouth before I can stop it:

'Wouldn't it be great to be Victoria Pendleton's bicycle seat'

I didn't get any last night.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 9:25, 3 replies)

Whenever I play Dungeons and Dragons
I can't keep my attention on the game, which obviously annoys everyone else.

I used to think I was going to hell, but I recently found out it's not my fault.

I have ADD&D.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 7:38, 1 reply)

He that is wounded in the stones,
or has his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Proof that Heaven's a load of bollocks.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 4:53, 4 replies)

Soho
When I lived in London, every time a tourist would ask me the directions to a world famous monument.

I would send them completely the wrong way.

* sticks out his hand for punishment *
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 4:24, Reply)

Bollocks.

( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 3:50, Reply)

Hell is overrated
but the cover charge is cheaper, so im trying to get in...

There was the time my ex's mum told me she had cancer, first thing i said was i can upgrade her insurance...

The time i videoed a midget in a wheelchair, and then spent ages editing it and adding the benny hill theme tune to it.

You know those times when you raise your voice at the pub, and everyone else decides to go silent at the same time? well, when that happened to me, i was drunkenly declaring to my friends that there were no such thing as asians, they just all have downs syndrome ( my friend is still know to this day as downy dave).

The time me and a mate took the new HR manager out for a drink after work, and i ended up telling her that if i ever did her, it would have to be doggy, so i could staple a picture of my mates face to the back of her head...

thats all i can remember now, there is more though, but all the above have always resulted in me being told that i will end up in hell
(danglesmurf, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 2:32, 1 reply)