Saying
'Course I won't come in your mouth.'
Then coming in her mouth.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:53, 1 reply)

She had the horn but it wasn't my bag, baby
At my rough comprehensive you were indeed very lucky if you were one of the few trusted by the music department to look after one of their prized instruments. You got free lessons and something to take you away from the daily grind of living in urban Fife *shudder*.

The first and foremost piece of responsibility for holders of musical instruments is obviously not to lose the fucking thing. Something a girl on my street Leslie very nearly managed to do by leaving it on a manky Moffatt & Williamson school bus. And to be fair to her Leslie did take the ribbing we all gave her very well, she was just so ecstatic that after many calls to the bus company and depot, it finally led her to getting her French Horn back within the week.

It was the first day of taking her horn back to school for a lesson and as she was smiling away on the bus ride home she knew she wouldn't be making the same mistake again.

"Don't lose your horn now Leslie." I joked.

"Very funny. *taps case* I won't." and with that she alighted, horn securely by her side.

As I mentioned, Leslie and I both lived on the same street but our school bus took a long, windy route. If you were feeling particularly energetic you could get off at an earlier stop and walk a small distance getting home perhaps a minute or two quicker. On this day that's exactly what Leslie did while I, slothfully stayed sitting on my big fat ass. About halfway into her walk home, Leslie realised that yes, she had her French Horn, but she had completely forgotten about her school bag! She'd made exactly the same mistake - only the items had changed.

Leslie started running. If she was quick enough she might be able to catch up the bus on its windy path and get there ahead of it in time to reclaim her bag. As her doc martins pounded the tarmac the unthinkable happened: the clip from her case came loose and the French horn went flying into the air before abruptly grinding to a halt on the pavement. She stopped briefly to survey the damage and repack her horn before resuming her sprint, this time with the case clasped tightly in her arms.

Leslie approached the entrance to our street and the sight of me standing there informed her that she was too late. The sight of me pointing my arm out at her and pissing myself laughing was enough to break her. I've heard the expression "burst into tears" many times but I've rarely seen it demonstrated with such gruesome reality as Leslie managed that day. The poor girl frustrated with impotent rage knew she would have to go through the same ordeal to get her school bag back and endure the embarrassment of committing the same stupid mistake again. All the while her dick of a neighbour was pointing and laughing her.

It didn't take long for me to stop.

"Leslie, Leslie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's ok, I took your bag off the bus. I just hid it round the corner."

Bag and girl reunited, the tears stopped flowing soon afterwards. So perhaps I'm not going to hell after all. Don't worry, none of us are. When you die that's it, there is no afterlife people. So make a fool of yourself and do something nice while you still can - you never know when you'll run out of chances.
( djtrialprice, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:53, Reply)

He's coming to get me!!!!
When I was a kid I always believed that Beelzebub was going to get me while I slept. It happened once every year, the weather would get colder and I would wake up one morning to find a letter from him saying he would be appearing in a few nights time.

I later found out my parents were dyslexic and should have got someone else to write Santa’s reply to my Christmas list
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:44, 1 reply)

Dr Huxtable.
Referring to shitting as "Drowning The Cosbies" will get me there.

I have this on good authority from my wife who reads The Guardian.
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:40, 4 replies)

On holiday
I stayed in a converted chapel, pulled a local bike and shagged her .... I even tried slipping it up her browneye but she wouldn't have it without lube.

Fornication and attempted sodomy in the house of God ....... Oops!
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:39, 3 replies)

When i was an altar boy
I pissed in the special shoes that the organ player used.

I stole about 20 of those BIG hosts that the dirty beast holds up, then ate most of them walking home.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:38, Reply)

Why am i doomed?
When i was 14 i went to a shed party (thats what we did in those days). I needed a piss, so i emptied a beer can and filled it to the top and gave it to a freind. You can guess what happend next.

Good thing it was a fosters can. It probably tasted better.
(rabidduck, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:33, 1 reply)

I'm not an atheist
I don't beleive any religion without definitive proof. back when I was atheist, and told my parents, they said "well you still beleive in god, don't you?"
(venort apparently exists, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:30, 3 replies)

i dont think it will be one sigle act
but a mixture of things i have done (and probably said) over the years, like my theory on why fair trade stuff tastes shite (in short its because suffering is delicious)

or last august bank holiday at the church fete they had some people from a local animal resue centre collecting donations, loadly saying that the baby deer they had brought with them looked delicious got me a punch in the arm from my sister and some bad looks from a couple of mothers with small children
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:29, Reply)

I have been to Hell
we lost 2-0, nice stadium though.


What?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:27, Reply)

No chance
He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:27, 3 replies)

Get the FUCK in.... 2nd time I can repost this in a week
A year or so ago I started a rather seedy little fling with a 17 yr old girl I know (I was 29 at the time)..and the morning after a particularly sordid night of coke fuelled depravity with this girl in a cheap hotel, I had to attend the memorial service for my Fiancee's grandfather.It was also that weird day in the catholic church when they wheel all the sick oldies out to be blessed and I was taking catechism classes at the time (being a somewhat lapsed catholic) so that I could marry the poor girl that I was cheating on- and had to do a reading in the church...So not only did I have to sit with my fiancee's family and listen to them say what a 'good boy' I was and that my fiancee was 'soooo lucky to have me' but I had to read a passage from the good book while loads of poor old wheelchair bound wops blubbered in front of me..
All the way through I couldnt help but remember with near sickening shame, that only 12 hours earlier I had been snorting class A drugs off a 17 yr old girls arse cleft before sodomising her for about an hour
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:26, Reply)

this weeks qotw
ive not really got a story so il just list a few things
im an atheist
in enjoy porn
i like hash cakes(and green dragon a weed vodka)
i listen to metal and a subgenre of noise called power electronics
i made a grown man cry just by saying evil stuff to him once
(imgunnabesick rawr ^ \_/ ^, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:22, 1 reply)

Obvious, but I am too tired for thought right now...
I sort of assumed that all of us poor ill-educated heathen non-believers were going whether we liked it or not, mais non?
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:18, Reply)

Im going to hell.
Last christmas I got completely drunkened on christmas eve. On christmas day I was still tipsy from the night before, so in my state of half drunkenness I screamed Happy Birthday to Jesus.

Oopsy
(PaulGadd -, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:17, 2 replies)

I'm impressed by the tales of annoying Christians.
Normally I just say no thanks politely.
I shall now argue the fuck with them, and see if I can upset them.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:14, 3 replies)

Straight To Hell
I'm going to hell for all the kittens I've indirectly killed.
( mister.f is now married, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:09, 1 reply)

TWO WEEKS
Before my company sent me in to the priory for rehab. i smoked a crack pipe in the toilets at work.

i have a satanic bible

i wear a lot of black

i have fucked someone in a church

i have listend to and enjoyed black metal

i have made the horns \M/

a disabled person crashed their mobility scooter and i laughed so hard a small bit of wee came out

i used to spit on old people from behind

i eat meat. and thats a sin

i live with gay people and it doesnt bother me (biggest sin of all)
(jordanchaos isn’t just any PeaRoast, this is a M&S PeaRoast, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:08, 7 replies)

I'm probably going to hell...
but it beats ending up in Hull which seems to be the most popular destination for Betan's.

Mwaa hahahahahahaaa.

*cough*
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:06, 3 replies)

I hooked up with someone
at a family reunion. We weren't really sure how we were related, but assumed for the time being that we were probably distant enough cousins for it not to matter.

Also, I'm a queer.
(Ay, Why, Kay, Jee, Oh, Tee, Ell bcdefhijmnpqrsuvwxz, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:03, 3 replies)

Problems in the workplace
I'm going to hell very shortly. For ages I've been an assistant director of a rather established firm, and I've got to say, I got the job done, I was fairly reliable and got given a fair bit of responsibility. I guess I let it all get to my head a little, because I reckoned the boss wasn't quite up to the job, so me and a bunch of similarly disgruntled co-workers got together and attempted a coup of sorts, as I figured I could do a much better job of running the place.

To cut a long story short it rather blew up in my face, and now me and my fellow "conspiritors" have been given the sack. Oh well, I figured, you win some, you lose some. Maybe I'll set up my own firm in time, with me as boss?

Lucifer

(too obvious? Been done?)
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:03, 6 replies)

I'm a traffic warden.
'nuff said.
( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:02, Reply)

No regrets for this one...
In fact I'm amused by the memory that I was once dating an 18 year old virgin who was also a vegetarian, 2 things in her life that were apparantly important... oh yeah you can see where it's going.

I lived in student halls, despite no longer being a student. So I invited her to stay for a weekend and stocked up on the essentials from the supermarket... bread, bacon, ketchup.

In one afternoon she was no longer a vegetarian or a virgin ;-)

Couple of months later she got glandular fever and was pretty unwell, infact confined to bed. So like the nice guy I am I took the opportunity to dump her safe in the knowledge she lacked the energy to complain or do anything about it.

Yep, chances are that might be a hell ticket right there, especially that I still find it funny.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 16:00, 4 replies)

*Takes a stand*
I deny the existence of Freddie Woo.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:54, 4 replies)

I used to get sent to church as a youngster.
I never really believed, but I did go through a short phase of trying to believe in the manner of a pubescent Pascal. I didn't convince myself.

By my early teens, I was still tolerating having my Sundays disrupted. But by then it was only because I wanted to get Biblically acquainted with a couple of the girls in the youth group.

Well, if God is all loving, he'd prove his existence to me by granting a small miracle, wouldn't he?

No proof was forthcoming.

Length? I said it would have been a small miracle, didn't I?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:52, Reply)

I'm really sorry . . .
. . . for the utterly shameless plug, but there is a chance that this might send me to the lake of everlasting fire where I'll be forever tortured by Satan and all his little wizards.

Still, heaven sounds excruciatingly dull, and everyone interesting is in hell, so never mind.
(Terrible Tiger, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:51, Reply)

It’s not personal, it’s just business. No wait…it is personal.
I think every bloke has one friend that they don’t actually like that much, that one friend that nobody else likes but you’ve known all your life and have never managed to shake off. I have one such friend, I have known him since I was 12 (almost 20 years ago) and without exception, everyone who has ever met him through me has come to the accurate conclusion that he is a boorish embittered waste of space.

Back in 1999 I was in my first proper job after university working for a well-known bank. It was a pretty dead end role, but I was surrounded by people my own age and I had made lots of friends and I actually had a social life. I was happy. One day I went to use the fax machine and I noticed an employment agency had faxed through a CV, being a nosey sod I picked it up to get the low down on a potential new colleague. It was he, my “friend”. I instantly had this vision of what was going to happen if he got the job…everyone would hate him, he would latch on to me and people would start going to lunch without me and accidentally-on-purpose forget to tell me about nights out and after work beers. It was going to be school all over again.

I can still feel the warmth of those A4 pages as I crumpled them up and dropped them into the confidential waste bin.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:49, Reply)

I am actually ashamed of this one.
But not too ashamed to share, sadly.

Like many here, I am an avowed atheist. I live near a church, and every Sunday the bells ring.

And ring.

And ring.

And ring.

It winds me the hell up, but I’ve always tolerated it.

Until just before last Christmas.

A card came through my door, saying something like ‘As we near the birthday of our saviour, we invite you to come and join our celebrations’.

I binned it.

A couple of days later another one came through.

I binned it.

The following Saturday yet another one arrived. Junk mail pisses me off at the best of times, but this was really getting to me. Why did they think it was OK to keep posting the same shit through my letter box?

Unfortunately I went out with friends and got steaming drunk that afternoon.

I staggered through my door at about 10.30 at night and saw the card still lying on my doormat.

So I picked it up, found a black felt pen and scrawled across it something like

‘Will you stop putting this fucking deluded fucking fiction through my fucking letter box. You’re god does not fucking exist and no amount of wasted cardboard will get me through your fucking doors. PS. One day I am going to come round your house and play loud music by your window at 3 in the morning, because that will have the same effect on you as your fucking church bells will have on me tomorrow morning’.

(there may have been more expletives that that actually)

And then I went and posted it through the church cottage letterbox.

And went to bed.

How fucking bad do you reckon I felt when at about 9.30 the next morning I got woken up by the church bells and remembered what I had done?

I don’t even know if the church cottage had anything to do with the card.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:46, 5 replies)

Snorted coke in the church bog.
It was to straighten me up, cos I was rather pissed. To be fair, it was the day of dad's funeral, and it was my way of coping. so maybe I'm not off to Hell after all.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:42, 3 replies)

Avoided Hell....
OK, it's a mixed bag but...

5 years ago I met a rather lovely girl and proceeded on a few weeks of fun fun fun. At the time I was engaged to (and subsequently married) someone else alltogether.

I think I saved myself a trip to hell arising from those events for 2 reasons;

Firstly when having fun fun fun with said girl we were in an amorous way and desperately looking for somewhere to act on such feelings. For reasons I don't entirely understand I passed up the opportunity of fun fun fun on the basis I couldn't defile a churchyard (and especially not the church porch) with our evil act. So i'd like to think that got me some brownie points (although we did defile a field instead!).

Secondly 5 years later after the other relationship turned out to be a disaster I'm delighted to say I ended up back in touch with the girl from 5 years ago and we're now a very happy couple. Thus making good on the original intention 5 years ago! ;-)


Alternatively my backup plan is either change religion (i.e. find one) on my deathbed or repent all sins etc.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:42, Reply)