I'm going to hell because
I refused to fuck my ugly daughter.
( El Cuntos, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:39, 1 reply)

Why Richard and I are going to Hell
Well, one of the reasons.

For a couple of years at the end of the last millennium, I lived with a guy called Richard. Like me, he was a PhD student; his field was classics. In particular, his research was on a Jewish neo-Platonist philosopher called Philo.

Now, Philo was apparently an important character in the formation of the early Church. And Richard was a brilliant linguist. He was fluent in Greek, good at Latin, and had a smattering of Biblical Hebrew. As such, he had on his shelves copies of the Hebrew, Greek, Vulgate and King James Bibles. None of this meant that Richard was a believer - far from it. He was just interested in Philo.

On occasion, we would get visited by the God squad. Instead of telling them to sod off, Richard would invite them in for a discussion. During the course of this discussion, he would produce his four versions of the Bible. And then he would get all philological.

That is to say, he'd talk about the mistranslations, subtle shifts in meaning, and other accrued errors that have appeared in the Bible over the years. He'd also talk about Gnosticism, the Aryan heresy, the Dead Sea Scrolls and so on.

In great detail.

For a long time.

He wouldn't let them leave.

The abject terror on their faces as he got into his stride was wonderful to see.

A couple of years later, I had also got around to reading the King James version, the Apocrypha, and some of the Pseudepigrapha - the books of the Bible that weren't included in the version we have. Inspired by Richard, I made careful annotations and cross-references as I went along, and made sure that I had my Greek and Latin dictionaries nearby.

I'd also read - and taught on - Hume's Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion in the interim. Plus, I had my brain switched on as a matter of course.

When the JWs next knocked on my door, I was prepared.

The difference between Richard and me is that I didn't invite them in. I kept them on my doorstep for well over an hour.

It was cold.

And that is why Richard and I are going to Hell.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:35, 19 replies)

corrupting choirboys
no, it's not what you think, you gang of perverts!
at my born-again christian cousin's barbecue, i taught the choirboys she'd invited how to explode pigeons. i also introduced them to rotten.com, pink floyd and internet porn.
they were happy, my cousin was not.
i hate going into churches, they freak me right out. i'm an atheist and the whole idea of organised religion is abhorrent to me. if i am forced to go into a church, i will inevitably get the giggles. i mime hymns, badly. i distract people and pull funny faces at the vicar/priest. well, they're asking for it in my opinion.

oh, and i seduced a vicar.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:33, Reply)

I'm going to Hell because
I like Staus Quo.


Sorry.
(Barry Chuckle's Moustache, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:32, 2 replies)

Bad Dad
For betting 20p with my five year old son that he couldn’t eat a teaspoon full of powdered Colman’s mustard.
(nee22 NL ExPat, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:32, 3 replies)

Father Sister
Not me exactly, but on one of my many, many intoxicated voyages through Birmingham with a couple of 'out of the closet' mates I awoke to find myself in a small gay bar apparently mid-debate with a 40-something transvestite. From the point where I started listening, the conversation went as such:

'...and then of course when the papers found out I just had to leave my job and my boyfriend got run out of town. Still, thanks for listening and enjoy your drink.'

Had no idea who the bloke was, but I admired his choice in giving me free alcohol. The next morning I'm browsing through the free rag where I'm greeted with the sobering title of 'PRIEST IN GAY TRANNY SHOCKER', or something along those lines.

Still, now I know that if I'm down there there'll be some good company and a free bar.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:31, 1 reply)

I'm going to hell
but I would've gotten away with it, if I hadn't been meddling with kids.

Signed,

Paul Gadd
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:31, 3 replies)

OMG! Thank God I don’t believe in God! Oh, hang on...

It was only last Sunday…before the footy kicked off, I was praying to the masters of beer and porn to grant me their dutiful bounty.

And lo, it happened.

I checked my secret stash and discovered a plethora of beer, weed, Jazz mags and illegally downloaded t’interwebz grumble.

And it was good.

To display my immense satisfaction for what was shaping up to be a God-cunting Jeebus-spanker of a day, I decided to fashion my collection into the shape of a mahooosive cock, to be spread across my living room carpet so I could wonder at it’s magnificence. However, before I could indulge in the delicious goodness therein, I saw a cheeky little fucking spider start crawling across my copy of ‘Mega-jugs monthly’! Well, a few deliberate swipes with my shoe saw off that little cuntboil. And soon, the Alcohol, drug and pervy-wank-a-thon was back on!

And glory shone around.

So what if it was my mum & dad’s wedding anniversary that day? Fuck ‘em! – What have they ever done for me? They can stew in their own mong phlegm for all I care. I’ll see ‘em next time I want something.

Praise be.

Besides, Sunday is ‘my time’. And seeing as my missus is away for the weekend, I’ve taken the liberty of calling the ‘tasty totty’ wife of the jammy fucker next door round for a quick game of ‘Slam in the lamb’. I’d fancied her for ages before we finally got it on, and now I’ve pushed her guts in more times than I can remember. She’s always up for the full on rudies too…and not just in her ‘gash pasty’ either!

And I give thanks and praise.

Hmm, actually, Now I come to think of it…I’ve made (most of) this bollocks up...

But I’m no worse than the twats who made up religion in the first place...

So there’s no such things as ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’ anyway...

And at least I don’t go on /talk.


1. Thou Shalt not worship other gods.
2. Thou Shalt not worship idols.
3. Thou Shalt not misuse God's name.
4. Thou Shalt keep the Sabbath holy.
5. Honour your father & mother.
6. Thou Shalt not murder.
7. Thou Shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou Shalt not steal.
9. Thou Shalt not lie.
10. Thou Shalt not covet thy neighbours wife.


(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:30, 1 reply)

I flummoxed a group of Fundies.
It was late one Friday night in the late spring. My friend Richard and I had been out shooting pool and drinking overpriced low-quality pisswater, and we decided to head home. He had drunk less than I had, so he got in his car and departed. Me, I felt the need to walk around a bit before I got behind the wheel- not that I was drunk per se, but just to clear out the cobwebs.

This is how I found myself sitting in the Farmer's Market at one in the morning, letting the warm breeze waft over me as I dozed a little and ignored the group of happy clappers off to my left who were dancing and singing with guitars and tambourines. It was a relaxing sound, really- a load of untrained young voices singing from about fifty feet away. The air was full of the odd scents of downtown Richmond- not all of them pleasant, I might add- but it was nice to sit back and watch the parade of drunken humanity streaming past as I sat on a wooden produce stand.

"Excuse me, do you have a moment?"

She was probably about nineteen, I would guess, with straight blond hair and blue eyes and an open innocent face. Slender, wearing snug jeans and a clingy knit shirt, a shy smile on her face... yeah, she got my attention. "Sure, what's up?"

"I just wanted to know if you've heard the news."

"News?" What the hell was she talking about? Was there another attack from al Quaeda or something?

"Yes, the news of our Lord."

Feck.

"Ummm, yes, I have. I'm afraid that I'm following a different path, though."

"Yes, but have you really heard what He had to say?" She looked so earnest that I actually hesitated for a moment- but no, the glove had been thrown down. Dismissing someone else's faith because you know yours to be the One True Way is something that I can't let go unchallenged.

"Yes, I have. And frankly, I don't think that most of what's attributed to him in the bible is accurate- I tend to doubt that he was anywhere near as arrogant as he's been made out to be."

She looked utterly stunned by this. "Arrogant?"

"Yes, arrogant. Consider: he supposedly said that the only way to Heaven was through him, right? In other words, that the people of the world who hadn't happened to have heard of him would be cast into damnation, even though they had led blameless lives. I would say that that was pretty damned arrogant, wouldn't you?"

She was blinking by this point. "Ummm... I'll be back in a moment." And she whirled and retreated.

I sat back and took a few more deep breaths of the fragrant Richmond night, letting my mind race for a few moments before she returned with a boy in his twenties. "Hi, you had some questions about Jesus?"

"Not exactly. I was telling your friend here that I don't really buy into what's in the bible, because I don't think it's an accurate depiction of what Jesus said. Not too surprising, really- how many times has it been translated? From Aramaic to Greek to Latin to English that I know of off the top of my head. There have to be translation errors that pop up. Not to mention that there have been a lot of rather disreputable popes in the early days- did you know that there are entire books of the Bible that have been chopped out because someone found them objectionable?"

They both looked like they were drowning at this point. I noticed that a few more of their group had appeared nearby, drawn to the discussion.

"And then there's the fact that the New Testament was passed orally for over a hundred years before it was ever recorded onto paper. Have you ever played Telephone? You get a line of people together, you whisper a phrase to the first one, who whispers it to the next one, who tells it to the next one, and so on. Then the person at the end of the line tells what the message was that they were passed, and the person at the start announces what the original phrase was. They're never the same. Now imagine that being done across generations. How accurate do you think those words attributed to Jesus are? Do you think he'd even recognize his own words?"

I was at the center of a school of fish, it appeared. Mouths opened and closed but few words came forth, and no complete sentences. Then I noticed a rather stern looking man about my own age pressing toward the front. "But the bible is God's Living Word."

"Okay then. Let's set aside any question of inaccuracies for now and just look at what it says. Eternal damnation if you don't follow His rules, right? Sounds pretty harsh to me. According to Genesis we were created in God's image, right? Only we're flawed humans, a pallid imitation of perfection.

"According to the New Testament, God is infinitely patient and forgiving, right? Consider this: if my son does something that he knows that he shouldn't- say, throwing a baseball in the house- and I catch him breaking my rules, maybe because he broke a window or something, what do I do? I ground him, I yell at him a bit, I take a way his privileges, but after a few days he's learned his lesson and on he goes. Do I chain him in a basement and starve him and beat him daily and pour boiling water over him? Of course not. So if I'm a flawed imitation of God, why is it that I'm more forgiving and patient than He is? The whole concept of Hell makes absolutely no sense."

Silence.

"Look, I'm glad you have a faith that works for you. Really I am. Keep with it. Just recognize that for some of us, it just doesn't work. And that's why I've chosen to follow a different path. You can follow yours, but I need to follow mine." I looked at my cell phone. "It's getting very late and I really need to get to bed. But thanks for the conversation, and good luck to you."

And I left them standing there, mouths agape, whispering to one another with their silent guitars and tambourines clutched in their hands as I walked away.

I think I may have destroyed that guy's flock that night and turned a few minds to doubt. Tired, drunk, up far past my bedtime, and they couldn't touch my logic or refute me.

Maybe I really am Satan...

EDIT: I must be, as this is now my most popular answer to date.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:25, 28 replies)

A brief note on sins etc
Sins dont guarantee you a place in hell - once you repent at the end of your life, you'll be alright.

rafter
baz (lapsed Irish Catholic)
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:23, Reply)

Simple
A Large Christian Outdoor week long festival / gospel mission / preachy type thingy was set up in a large tent in a field quite close to a friends house.

As a result of a drunken 2am stagger back from the pub to his place for a few more drinks - The rather large banner over the entrance proclaiming "Field of Hope" was modified somewhat.
With the aid of half of a large white dust sheet, a ladder, staple gun and a black spray can to display

"Field Of Dope"
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:12, Reply)

a better question
why arnt i going to hell
iv broken the 10 commandments
i AM a good example of the seven deadly sins (coz im probly the laziest fuck you will ever meet)
but the main reason is a funny story that involves dead horses a washing machine full of semtex a russian whore and a man in a bear suit in the middle of a corn feild singing about aids but i cant be fucked to tell it


being the lazy fuck i am
(snake27, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:12, 1 reply)

My friend "Fred"
who I talked about last time once made a catholic girl cry.

The girl in question was named Sylvia - a Spanish girl who was going out with my friend Dan. Very, very catholic girl - believed in no sex before marriage, etc., etc.

We were in church, at the blessing of Dan's sister's wedding. Fred was sitting next to Sylvia and was heard to discuss his theories of the virgin birth at length. His belief is that Joseph had an illicit wank, spilling his essence upon a toilet seat which Mary then used, resulting in the "virgin" birth.

The fact that Sylvia ran from the church in tears suggests that she didn't entirely agree with this belief.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:11, 2 replies)

Beer or God?
I’m getting married to a fellow b3tan next year, as some people know.

Now, I’ve done the marriage thing before, and she hasn’t, so I am happy to do whatever she wants. And, to my admitted relief, she doesn’t want the full works, preferring instead a quiet ceremony with just a handful of people present. We’ll have a big party the week after and invite friends and family to that. If they don’t like it they can lump it as far as we’re concerned – it’s our day.

Now, I’m not a cheapskate – far from it. However, I have a natural cautiousness with money borne out of too many years of having to deal with financial fuckwits that don’t understand the concept of saving up. Over the last year, the cashflow has been a bit tight for one reason and another, so I’m quite happy that the whole thing is only going to cost somewhere in the region of two grand. Probably the most costly individual element is the coat I am going to wear for the occasion, but I digress. We could put it off and spend longer saving, but we both want to do it sooner rather than later.

Neither of us is religious in any way, shape or form. I still have pangs at getting married in a church the first time round, so this time it’s a case of no religious connotations of any kind. Except that, in our desire to save as much money as we can on the day itself (look, we’ve got a b3ta bash to go to that weekend and we all know how expensive they can get), we noted that a civil ceremony costs about £80 more than a religious one… it was dilemma. Take the moral stance and stick to our principles? Or think, “Great, an extra £80 quid for beer tokens at the weekend”?

Hmm. Tricky one. After much soul searching, there was only one choice to be made really.

If there is a Hell, I fully expect the trap door to open beneath me on the day. Principles can go to fuck on this occasion.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:06, 7 replies)

MBE
As a youngling I was an altar boy.

You should have seen sweet little me, in all my garb, learning all the rituals.

Such a shame that I went off the rails so badly before I turned back into the reasonably well adjusted individual I am today.

Let me take you back to the fateful day it all started to unwind.

Temptation was put in my way when I stumbled across the childrens fund. I don’t know what possessed me, but I took money from it. I left the change, thinking the jingling noise would be a dead give away, but had the notes stuffed inside my cumberbund.

Of course I didn’t get away with it and was booted out.

And so began my long spiral towards hell.

To be fair to my parents, they have tried to help out down the years when they have seen me spinning off the straight and narrow. My Dad, much mentioned in these pages actually, gave me a part time job at his carpet shop.

I tried to take it seriously, and there were perks at least, the lonely housewives I got to lay when it was their lino I should have been laying were a bonus for a start.

But even that got too much for me and I needed to get away, so one day I just loaded all of one woman’s furniture into a van while she was away and auctioned off the lot.

So, yup, hellbound. 10 commandments, seven deadly sins, I can tick a lot off those lists.

I’m a glutton and proud of it. I get angry, (who doesn’t?). I am greedy. The only thing I am not is lazy, and that’s just because I am too busy to be slothful.

I guess it will come as no surprise to you to find that someone like me spent some time wanting to be a lawyer. I’ve mentioned my time at Uni, but I don’t think I ever specified that I actually went to law school, did I?

I was advised to leave my course because my answer to everything was ‘oh, plead insanity’.

I drifted around after that to be honest, god I have had some strange jobs.

You know the adverts you see on the sports pages of the tabloids? Where some ex-cricketer like Graham Gooch or Shane Warne is schilling themselves around proclaiming the latest in miracle hair replacement? I even ended up working for one of those companies for a while. Not many people can say that.


Not that I am complaining, those companies are loaded. They paid me so much that in the end I could afford to quite and fuck off to Monte Carlo and just arse about playing baccarat and sleeping with call girls.

Although that did lead to another weird moment I have to say, I was getting a bit bored and after one particular girl fell asleep…god, I don’t know how I got away with this…I nicked her wig and passport.

After that I figured it was time to move on, so I headed off to Australia. Now, there was a time…I know it’s bad to say, but the aborigines are so badly treated down there and I know an opportunity when I see one. It was so easy to set up and employment agency for them, they felt looked after and safe and secure.

And it was hardly my fault they didn’t read the small print that allowed me to take my fees directly from their wages, was it?

OK, so I left them in poverty, but hey, that’s how I found them too.

Made enough money that time to get a first class ticket out of there. Sri Lanka took my fancy, so that’s where I ended up.

And that, really, is that.

I behave myself far better these days, my dirty deals are behind me.

Apologies for length?

Nah, fuck it. I’ll see you in the next life, wake me up for meals.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:02, 5 replies)

Disney in Florida
I think asking if they had a Schindler's List ride should tick a few boxes too...
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

Jesus and I love you....
During my corporate period I used to travel to Salt Lake City in Utah quite a bit, the home of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - or "The Mormons". They never ceased to amaze me. Always at the airport there were groups of ten or twenty immaculately dressed young people about to set out on their wonderful missionary journeys. Apparently it is a requirement of the church. All with those little "elder" badges on, which is a joke as they are all less than 25.

Anyway, being Brits abroad and up for some mischief, a nameless friend and myself decided to go and visit the "temple", which is the god cental of the LDS.

I have never been forcefully manhandled from a house of god before by hired goons but I guess two brits in formal suits, bowler hats and armed with umbrellas on a "mission" from the Church of England and there to tell them about the benefits of divorce and only the one wife didn't go down well. The "elder x" and "even elder y" (me, being the oldest) C of E badges didn't help either. We looked like the Thompson twins from the Tintin stories.

Those little fuckers, think they can come over here and ruin my Sunday afternoon with their cheerful smile, irritating politeness and good news about Jesus. Don't like it when it is done to them though do they eh????
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:00, 2 replies)

I've been saving this one
which could have fit quite well in either of last week's QoTWs. But for this, I'm going to hell.

I got married (for the first time) when I was 20, and not 20 in a mature way, no, 20 in a stupid, yet-to-grow up way.

Naturally, I got married because my wife was pregnant. As stupid people do when they are 20.

Anyhoo, at this age in my life my father lived in a large house in the north of France, surrounded by WW1 cemeteries. As my marriage was beginning, his was coming to an end.

My wife, young baby and I went over to see him in the summer. Initially, we met up with him and his then wife at a coastal resort, then the four of us (i.e. without his wife) stayed at his place.

On the last night of our stay, my father wanted to cook us a special meal. He also asked if we minded if his girlfriend came over, as he wanted us to meet her.

Isobel was French (of course), in her mid-twenties and very good lucking. Way to go, Dad, despite the fact that I still liked his soon-to-be-ex wife, my stepmother.

Before the meal, much champagne was drunk, and some beer. My wife didn't drink so she watched the three of us get sloshed and then more sloshed with the meal, as we drank several bottles of wine. So much so, that Isobel had to leave the table to be discretely unwell.

After the meal, my father got out some awful Spanish liqueur which finished him off. As he staggered to his bed, my wife decided to finish packing in our bedroom, which was on the ground floor.

That left myself and Isobel, and in a pattern that was repeated with his other girlfriends in years to come, she then told me how unhappy my father made her. Not something I could easily deal with, and there wasn't much of a response I could make.

She cried. I gave her a small hug of consolation.

She cried more. I hugged her briefly again.

She cried more; I gave her a small hug and suddenly, her tongue is down my throat. At the time, I had only "slept with" two women in my life, and so (in a very weak defence) my loins took over where prudence would have told me to back off instantly.

Then, we're going upstairs; past my wife who asked me where I was going. I said I was showing Isobel to her bedroom. Yes, I really was that drunk.

In one of my half-brother's bedrooms, we made the beast with two backs.

However coitus was interrupted after several moments with my wife banging on the door to ask what we were up to; the bedroom after all being above our bedroom, and the athletic humping on the floor echoing around the house.

The fact that I had carnal knowledge of my father's mistress would have been bad enough, the fact that my wife caught us at it somewhat worse, but what guarantees my ticket to the netherworld is that the evening wasn't just our last night in France...but the evening of my first wedding anniversary.

Postscript:

- yes, my dad found out about it - Isobel told him that apparently I fucked like he did. Such knowledge no-one should have;
- yes, the marriage didn't last much longer;
- yes, he got his revenge on me by shagging one of my girlfriends some time later;
- my wife got her revenge on me in some complex and devious ways;
- yes, I have now grown up and wish this incident had never taken place. I'm not the person now I was then, thank God.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:00, 3 replies)

A Pome wot I rote.
I’m going to hell in a handcart, The bible tells me so.
The reason being I can’t resist temptation, don’t you know.

When faced with vile strong liquor I’ll always answer yes
(resulted in a gang bang once and I was in the dress.)

“Something for the weekend sir?” The Barber used to ask.
Now it’s ”Off to the Sabbath? Would sir prefer a mask?”

Fancy trying some of this? Try and hold me back!
Give me some of that right now and then we’ll do some crack.

I’m really quite the libertine, a modern type of rake,
Buds and flour and marge and sugar, watch me while I bake.

But most of all I’m going to hell for being an utter twunt:
I spit on all religions and call their leaders cunts.

As any reasonable person would do.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:59, Reply)

I'm frightened of dogs.
And the bullying gits sense this, and happily have a go at me. I was walking back home a few years ago over our top field, and from the other side two of the bastards came.
A Jack Russell and some mongrel thing, a big bugger. Barking, growling, snapping away. I was bricking it. Their owner wandered over, grabbed them and went. No word of an apology. I was shaking for hours after. Sorry.
Anyhoos a few days later, I saw a sign on a lamppost, with a picture of a Spaniel type thing, and the usual spiel, has anyone seen my dog, family pet, blah blah.
I phoned the number and a woman answered. I told her I'd found the dog. Thank God, the kids are so upset.
Yeah, I said, he's been run over, he's dead and squashed. And put the phone down.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:56, 4 replies)

A Catholic Friend of Mine
Lost his virginity getting bummed against a church.

I'm going to hell jsut to see him, because he's a great lad!
(Jugular, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Amsterdamned
On a visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam many years ago, I pretended to hump a statue of Anne Frank. In broad daylight. People saw.

I just thought the day needed lightening up.

Dktr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Do you know...
...that you can use the pages of the old Gideon bibles as a sufficient substitute for Rizla's?

Good to know we have some skins in hell.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:55, 2 replies)

When
the twin towers fell, part of me enjoyed it.
( octopus footwear raaa, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:53, 9 replies)

Pub wall
Underneath where someone had daubed "Jesus is Just" I added "...a cute Jewboy in a loincloth".
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:51, Reply)

Jesus Christ.........Now with kung fu grip!
One reason for a ticket to hell that immediately springs to my mind is that I am planting false ideas into my sons head about the things that Jesus did. To give you a bit of a background my son goes to the local Church school and will always return with happy clappy Jesus songs that really get on my wick.

I would also like to add that I’m not making up totally false stories (That plan was stopped by the wife after she heard me telling him the story of when Jesus beat Godzilla) I just like to add a bit of my own blend of stupidity to the bible. One example is the story of Jesus and the Money Charges.

According to my version of events Jesus went to the temple and found out that it had become an indoor market. Jesus was quite angry at this as anyone would be (If it was anything like the indoor market near me then he had the right to be angry). Before Jesus could say anything one of the shadier stall owners hit Jesus over the head with a metal chair, this attack method was useless as Jesus was so angry he was in a place where nothing could hurt him.

Immediatley after this chairshot Jesus started to grow in size and his skin turned green incredible Hulk style (The next bit varies each time I tell the tale but it usually ends with Jesus blowing up tanks using his laser vision)

.....actually I think that this sort of thing should get me into heaven as it is getting kids interested in reading the bible. I know I would have been more interested in the thing if someone told me that Jesus did this.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:50, Reply)

One way ticket...
I was seeing this guy and we walked past this sidewalk preacher condemning homosexuality. So we held hands and made out in front of him and I kept nodding excitedly and going 'OOOH' like some idiot. Then I turned to the ex-shag and got him to take a picture of me next to the God-botherer while I gabbled away in fake Japanese and did the Japanese picture-taking pose of peace-sign with both hands while the ex-shag directed me in posh English. Then after that I gave the man a pound coin and tried to kiss him on the cheeks but he walked off.

Then he stumbled and tripped and fell with his sandwich boards, and I took another picture.
(Marmoset Bored bored bored of cnuting revision..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Impersonating a deity.
Every time I stay in a hotel I find the inevitable bible and inscribe on the inside cover "To Dave, My number one fan, rock on - Jesus" or some such sacrilege.*

*Once stayed in San Francisco at a Japanese hotel and couldnt resist doing the similar in The Teachings of Buddha.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:46, 6 replies)

Possibly because...
...of my belief that religion is utter nonsense and little more in the modern world than a tool used by the state to control the simple-minded. This is assuming that I'm wrong, of course - wouldn't be the first time but I would be very surprised if it were so. Actually, that's probably the biggest understatement I've ever made, verbal or written.

That said, if I am wrong and insert-your-preferred-deity-here really goes for all that 'Ooh, we're all really impressed down here' bullshit then he-or-she-or-more-likely-it will get the middle finger from me for being so far up his/her/its own celestial arse regardless of my endgame score. Not to mention the fact that my Dad and both of my brothers will have been taken from us by the fucker well before thier time (the last of whose ashes I'm going back to my hometown to settle in the Memorial Garden with my Mum tomorrow - she and I are now the only remaining members of the nuclear family that I was born to, and knowing it sucks big-time). I'd have some stern fucking words to say about that if the opportunity presented itself.

So no last-minute, no-balls, U-turning repentance for me - fuck that gutless wonderment - I'll stand by my decisions and suffer eternal damnation and torment on principle, and I'll do it with as much aplomb as I can muster.

Also, if I'm wrong and that nutter Leviticus was right to boot then I'm on the express elevator down without passing Go or collecting £200 in any case.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:43, 1 reply)

I know I'm going to Hell
Why, because I want to!

I converted a girlfriend from the loving embrace of the Born Again church she and her family attended, much to the dislike of her parents. They thought I was satan incarnate, to be honest I did act up whenever I met them!

What was harder was converting her to the ways of the bacon Sandwich, and all the rest of those good meaty foods. She was a vegitarian. I succeeded with that as well.

I introduced her to sex, and we would stay home from 6th form to screw all day!

Now I have to content myself with getting drunk and frightning children, but I'll return to my full glory some day, you can place money on that!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:42, Reply)