Predictable? Oh yes indeed...
Insincere apologies in advance to all of you who are tired of hearing about "me and my dead girlfriend". Tough shit: suck it up, fuckwits.

Anyway, this isn't really about Jess, per se, but she's involved.

All of 2010 post-May feels like it was taken up with landmarks: a week, a month, six months since the accident. Going back to work, going back to full-time, first band practice, first gig; many many firsts. I had a trip to America in December, then it was Christmas, then New Year, finally it was Purplestock month, and then on the 30th it was all over. All of a sudden the only landmark I could see ahead was the anniversary of the accident.

The months stretched before me, as did the years, all without Jess. I'd been drinking a lot anyway, and sticking anything I could find up my nose (massive drugs lol); it became my only crutch.

By April I was drunk and/or stoned pretty much every day, it was starting to affect my job as I was too tired to work properly and I'd started to retreat from my friends - making excuses about being busy or already planning to be out with other friends when I was invited out anywhere. Truth was, I had a night planned with my Xbox, my mate Sailor Jerry and whatever I'd bought that week (online MCAT replacements mostly, I didn't really have the contacts to get much else).

Then in May Paulette came up to see me - for those of you who don't know, she's one of my oldest friends, I've known her since I was 20. I won't go into the details of how it all happened, but we're engaged now, getting married in 2013 if all goes according to plan. I truly believed that without Jess I'd never be happy again, but I am; and it feels really good to have something to smile about. It's taken a while but I feel like myself again now, not a hollow imitation, and that's all thanks to Paulette. Without her I honestly believe that I wouldn't be here now to write this.

So Paulette's my hero of 2011. Obviously.

As someone else has already said, I can't be bothered posting any villains: fuck 'em, they're not worth my time.

tl;dr version: my fiancée's my hero coz she saved my life :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 16:24, 15 replies)

Hero - Fresh Water Mole for giving us Jeremy the annoying horse

Villain - E Dubya for ALWAYS getting loads more clicks than me :)
( The Twisted Omentum vidi vici veni, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 16:07, 1 reply)

Celine Dion
I didn't hear her once this year. I don't know who to hail as a hero, her or her management. Who cares? everybody wins.


Villains: Any rapper who failed to shoot another one and deplete the sum total of these posturing fuckwits.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 15:30, 5 replies)

I would like to nominate the vast majority of people in the UK as heroes
So much media attention is given to 'forrins' and people on benefits, but rarely is any recognition given to the majority that go to work every day, doing a job they can't stand to earn a living and provide for their families, even though they would probably be better of (financially) if they went on benefits. 

Well I recognise you. And you have my utmost respect. Go you!
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 15:30, 1 reply)

ANYONE WHO CLICKS THIS
lol jk fuck off
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 14:49, Reply)

My dad
for fighting off his cancer, while still having the strength to have a nice evening over a glass of whiskey or two (he's still in chemo I might add). Definitely my hero this year.

As for villains, I'd say investment bankers and all other money-grabbers, as well as the politicians who allow this nonsense to continue. They should all be forced by law to grow thin moustaches and twirl them everytime they appear in public, just so we'd all instantly recognize them for what they truly are.
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 14:29, 7 replies)

Hero:
my new reconstructive surgeon, for actually trying to fix me and, hopefully, succeeding sometime next year.

Villain:

my old surgeon, who wasted 20 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE before finally admitting that he had no clue how to fix me and had known that all along.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 14:26, 7 replies)

JMG.
JMG
( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Fri 30 Dec 2011, 13:56, 1 reply)

Heroes, the entire population of the planet. For warming up the globals.
This time last year, and the year preceding it, it was -18ºC in the daytime.
This year it's going to be +10.

This tiny and insignificant bit of weather data, most likely a typical anomaly, has completely convinced me that global warming is a good thing and must be encouraged.

I do my bit too, I drive a ridiculous V8 truck, use an air conditioner, dump old fridges in the yard and spray ozone depleting solvents at every opportunity.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 13:22, 9 replies)

Villans - The Japanese. And the US nuclear industry of 1960.
For having a complete nuclear meltdown, just at a time when it was looking possible to reduce our carbon emissions and requirement to import fuel in a major way by building new nuclear power stations.
(speedevil, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 13:18, 6 replies)

Villain
Whoever took the Galaxy Truffle out of Celebrations.

Ruined Christmas.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:56, 1 reply)

Hero: Takehiko Kusaba & NHK news teams
You won't know who this guy is, but he's a head honcho at Japanese broadcaster NHK. I was present at a conference attended by other top media honchos when he showed a film of how NHK covered the immediate aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami, with incredible footage of how the broadcaster saved *thousands* of people through early warnings. Immensely powerful stuff of media workers risking their lives to warn others of the impending doom.

At the end, in front of a silent hall, he said "We saved many many lives. But we did not save enough. We are looking at ways we can change this."

Possibly the most humble thing I have ever heard. Even the most jaded and cynical of news hacks gave him a standing ovation.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:46, 1 reply)

My mum
My mum's not very well.

We've had a bit of a rollercoaster of a year as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer after beating it a couple of years ago.

She's been given days to live a couple of times but beats the odds and is still here 8 months later.

She deteriorated quite quickly and was in and out of hospital getting various treatments. Her breathing got so bad that she became bed ridden and rather muddled (not surprising as after this incident she had almost 6 litres of fluid drained from her lungs).

During one of these muddled moments, mum stirs from her bed and announces "It's a shame Thatcher's not around any more"

This is it, we think. Our staunch socialist mum (who has demanded everyone at her funeral wear an item of red clothing and sing Fly the Red Flag) has lost it. She not only thinks Thatcher is dead but is uset about it.

"Mum," we say "Thatcher's still alive"

She stares at us, announcing "I know that. It's just a shame she's a shadow of her former self. Otherwise I'd be writing hate mail to her every day. It's not like they could lock me up for it now"

Legend!
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:43, 1 reply)

Predictable? Possibly.
Heroes:
David Cameron for vetoing something that would have crippled Britain's economy.
My dad for giving me many items with which to make fire.
Ed Balls for having a funny name.
The Milibands for being funny to look at.

Villains:
David Cameron for being a Tory and for defending the money-grabbing wankcunts who got us into this money mess in the first place.
The US government for potentially destroying the internet.
The Royal Mail / Post Office for making me wait 48 hours for a missed delivery when I live a mere 3/4 of a mile from the sorting office. Why...

Yes, I know I put Cameron in both categories for the same thing. Politics is complicated.

EDIT: more villains: those bloody protesters and "occupy [insert place here]" people. They made our cities look disgusting and achieved nothing. Take a leaf out of the Arab spring's books and explode the thieving corporate and political bastards.
(sonofamoonbadger Has pride and dignity. But no money..., Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:41, 4 replies)

Almost over now..
Here we go..

Heroes -
Me local window cleaner, bumped into him at the local a few days prior and he told me of all the nice and naughty things he's seen, and he bought me a drink, I love you window man!

That bloke in the news who went shit-ape on a burglar and went to court for it, I jumped for joy when he got let off.

My partner in crime, the mass-man, for getting me into some harrowing states this year, but always looked after me, big love to him.

And Tourettes and DG, two of the piss funniest people I've met all year

Villains -
My posty, he truly is a soggy wank biscuit.
The Crankies for exposing what never should of been exposed. *shudders*

The whole of the Kraft company...for taking over Cadbury.
(Dr_Wookie_Phd The world loves a bastard!, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

B3ta
Heros. The good Folk on here who provide such wonderful photoshopped images and brighten my day with their stories of misfortune.

Villains. The bad folk on here who lure me into beleiving them and tricking me into looking at websites about horses and that other one with the dirty man bending over exposing his testes and expanded anus.
(Pat mustard, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 12:09, Reply)

To all on B3TA
You are all Heroes and Villains in equal measure.

From a barely computer literate middle-aged Aussie lurker: you have all made my 2011 a little more bearable.

One wife, two mortgages, three kids and one thousand memorable stories and images stored in my mind courtesy of this website.

I now make my own bread, learned some classic put- downs, and picked up some new and interesting phrases to add to my vocabulary.

AB's.."...so, your story is...mundane fact", Shambolic's scathing one-liner come-backs.

Any amount of snorting coffee through my nose inducing stories of mis-adventure that we can all (well, pretty much all) identify with.

Any amount of WTF admissions of past sins that should probably merit police investigation.

Apeloverage's bizarre take on life...it is a rich tapestry of weird shit.

Resident Loon, you sound like a fucking nice bloke, only this afternoon I was having some technical difficulty with a bit of DIY and I thought that someone like yourself would sort it out in a flash.

And BGB, in another life, you sound like the perfect girl to woo.

Happy New Year Chaps and Chapettes. You are a strange bunch of bastards, I wish you all the best, wherever you are in life, love and geography.

Might go and have another beer. Or ten. Newkie Brown, can you believe, served at room temperature too! How fucking Aussie is that. Not.
( Ken Oath, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 11:35, 2 replies)

Hero - Emma Watson for having nipples
Villain - the pap who didn't get a very good photo of them
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 11:24, 8 replies)

Whatever
Hero :-
God - He gave me a big nob, legend.

Villain :-
God - Gives kids cancer, cunt.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 10:50, 2 replies)

Heroes
1. The doctors & nurses who helped my wife with the very difficult birth of our daughter and my wife who is still recovering from the birth four months later.
2. My friends who volunteer to help the homeless get off the streets and in to accommodation, training and eventual employment.

Villains
1. HMRC – letting companies including Vodafone and Goldman Sachs get away with either not paying their tax or paying a negotiated lower rate of tax and only after a long campaign by Private Eye and others.
2. My local police – not coming out to help mentally ill neighbour (standing naked in the street shouting at people). She was later sectioned for three months.
3. The rioters earlier this year. The majority were nothing more than opportunistic thieves and vandals.
4. Husband-and-wife freelance creative team Chris Wilkins and Sian Vickers who created the Go Compare TV adverts.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 10:35, 2 replies)

Damn you Ian and Janette!
There are loads of celebrities who's sex lives might have brightened up my day. The Krankies were never on that list. God forbid that anyone actually has pictures. Just thinking about it makes me want to scoop my brain out.
(AnnaPhylaxis All fish and no aquarium, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 9:45, 4 replies)

Dominique Strauss-Kahn
For reminding us that not only are all French politicians cunts, but also that rich powerful men don't have to worry about the law.
(strongp, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 9:16, 6 replies)

Hero:
My hero of 2011, for outstanding work in the field of the promotion of atheism, is serial rapture predictor, Harold Camping.

Fine work sir.
(Mongrel, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 8:20, Reply)

Villain of the year:
Whoever the jargon-addled management cunt was who decided that "architect" could be used as a verb.
(mudskipper, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 7:19, 2 replies)

Hospital staff
To the hospital staff looking after my missus who is currently suffering a persistent and extremely painful affliction - hat tip to you all. Especially Nicky, who turned up unannounced on the ward today, pushing a wheelchair. She took the missus up to the top of the building and into a private office with a balcony looking out to the harbour. She had set up a telescope on the balcony to enable my lovely partner to sit in the sun, smell the sea, and watch the boats come up the river while she had a cup of tea.

In conversation I learned it was the first day of Nicky's holiday. That's how she chose to spend it.

Must have been the salt in the breeze that made my eyes itchy.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 4:03, 2 replies)

War, pestilence, famine, death.
I think we all know who to blame for all the ills of the world today.

London riots - JMG's fault
Conservative government - JMG's fault
Breakdown of the middle east peace talks - JMG's fault
Droughts - JMG's fault
Climate change - JMG's fault
Earthquakes, in fact any natural distasters - JMG's fault
Economic instability - JMG's fault
My boiler was leaking the other day - JMG's fault

Yeah, thanks a fucking bunch jammers. The self styled hero of b3ta is in fact a villain.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 2:54, 2 replies)

Villains
To the school who "substituted" me after I broke a rib and concussed myself in a football-spectating accident last month and haven't paid me a cent since I started working for them in July, I hope you get what you deserve.

As for heroes, anyone who wishes to burn the aforesaid fuckers down between now and midnight tomorrow - I'll pay the airfare to Turin and put you up for the night.
(barbedwiretumbleweed Fast 'n' Bulbous!, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 0:46, Reply)

Villains: A certain council - Heroes: A specific school
Villains of the year are a grossly incompetant council somewhere North of London, who totally haven't a clue what they are doing, and fucked up my job bigtime, and also the jobs of practically everyone I worked with.
Heroes of the year are my new employers, for giving me a change to continue my career in a job I love.
Sorry can't be more specific ...top secret you know.
I just hope the poor sods I left behind can either escape, or the offending council suddenly develops a sense of duty to it's staff and treats them with the respect they deserve - really sad to leave them with all the shite, but I had to get out before it drove me totally barking mad.
(Zuffle farts silently in lifts then leaves the warm aroma, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 0:28, Reply)