Raw Sewage
Camped at the bottom of a hill next to a stream in Devon one summer. When we arrived we filled a water bottle from the very clear stream and all had a good drink as it was VERY hot. After a day or two we all went down with vomitting and the shits. After asking the farmer about the stream, we discovered that the local sewage treatment plant hadnt quite come online yet, so the stream was full of raw sewage. Volvic anyone?
Runway
Paid a LOT of money for a pitch on a campsite in Jersey once. On arrival, the campsite turned out to be in the field next to the end of the runway of Jersey airport. Ahhhh, the joys of the 6:35am flight taking off after a heavy night on the beers.
(darfbozo, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Do you know how much of a mindf*ck it is to come out of a nightclub into daylight? it's like 'who turned on the fooking lights?'
Yes... I do it at least once a weekend :0)

I AM A WEEKEND WARRIOR.

ANYWAY:

It was a great Holiday because... 4 of us went, me and my (now ex) missus and her mate and his girlfriend. I didn't really like this guy, and one day his bird (who was too fine) was ill in their room. He said he couldn't be arsed checking on her, so i said I'd go (as I got on quite well with her)

Went up to their room, knocked on and she shouted for me to come in... went in to the room and she was under the sheet, looking gorgeous. And naked, Very naked. I asked if she was okay and she just said "Fuck me."

So I did.

And again that holiday and agin when we got home.

The only bad bit about the holiday was the 2hr delay flying back.
(Banky fucking Edwards, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 13:47, Reply)

kicked out of a hotel in paris...
...about 30 or 40 of us. Art and media students. Well, we are Irish.
I think we got too pissed and annoyed all of the Japanese tourists in the hotel.
I honestly can't remember most of it though
(WOGAN'S WIG FIXER, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 13:43, Reply)

Spain
I went on holiday to Benidorm with my father, brother, my father's new trout and her spawn (one named Fatprick by me and the other fairly normal-he didn't live with her).

The troutfaced bint passed the time by alternately making snide comments about us kids paying our own way or making a big deal about spoiling us like she was Mother Theresa. Bitch.Turns out she had money to burn anyway due to her rich, stupid parents, bleeding her ex dry and the fact she hadn't contributed to a single bill since she'd oozed her way into our house (as admitted by my father).
She also played her kids off each other so she get the twatty one to move out and the normal one to move in.

It all came to a head in the middle of one night with a monster row in the corridor.

I ended up in the (ridiculously expensive)all-night bar next door, accompanied by Trout-face's normal son, swapping tales of her insanity. Turns out her parents thought she needed help from a head doctor, particularly after she'd attacked normal son with a screwdriver and Yellow Pages when he said he was moving in with his father.

Meanwhile my sister stayed at home having a jolly time of barbecues, blimming the tablecloths, drinking and lots of good old fashioned debauchery.

We returned where my father promptly married the psycho Troutface. *looks extremly confused*
(Bunnygirl, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 13:18, Reply)

Fire
On holiday with friends a few years ago - all of us 21, graduates and perfectly experienced in the art of camping.. All went fine, cooking in the small space between the 4 tents, until we ran out of gas in one of the Campingaz stoves. So a friend went to change the canister, leaking gas out of the new canister in the process as it always does. Anyway, somehow we'd neglected to remember the naked flame still burning on the other stove and the whole lot including my friend, went up in flames. It was at that point we all remembered the flamability of the tents we were all sitting in and dived to safety out of the way, leaving the friend on fire to sort himself out. Luckily he had enough sense to throw the half attached, still leaking canister well away. ..pity he threw it directly into a campsite hedge which also nicely caught fire...
(littlek, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Scout Camp
The first and last time I went to scout camp I had to spend 5 days stuck in a tent with the fat, smelly, self righteous son of another scout leader. His idea of amusment was to perform incredibly bad Star Trek impressions all night. Compunded by the fact that Mr Hardman (really his name) our scout leader would only let us eat what we could cook on open fires we had to light using two sticks led to tempers being frayed somewhat. On the night before last myself and the other 6 in the tent had reached the limit of what a 10 year old could stand, so we beat the scout leaders son into unconciousness to get some sleep. Upon waking somebody realised that he'd shit himself and was black and purple from the beating.

When asked what happened and threatened with the police being called what must have been 80 kids all started standing up and shouting 'I'm Sparticus'. They all hated the little sod as well.

I am the embodyment of evil.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 12:35, Reply)

lovely lovely holiday
aged 17 - we got chucked out of a nightclub in gran canaria by a man with a gun. we were only drinking the other punters' drinks. seemed a bit excessive to me.

also my wife and i drank too much on honeymoon in paris. she had probably too much pastis, fell over and pissed herself. she then rolled in it, weeping and wailing. ah, la beauté du jeune amour!
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 12:27, Reply)

Romania... luvverly
School trip to Romania in 97.

12 of us camped in a field behind the local disco (a hut with a bar in it), spent the week "getting to know each other better", sudden outbreaks of affection brought on by large amounts of weed and banana liquor.

Highlights:
*My buddy getting chucked off the train in Hungary because she had brought her kiwi passport instead of her u.k. one and didn't have a visa: she had to sleep in a doorway at the border with our chemistry teacher before flying home
*teaching the locals to macarena
*seeing the local kiddie scum running up to my darkskinned friend, poking him and shouting indian! indian!
*watching my friend get into a fight with 2 rather pregnant girls over the local shepherd -he wanted to marry my friend so he could emigrate and leave them all behind
*getting ripped off at the exchange booth by ruffians who stole our money, being very angry for a bit, but then realising it was only about 2 quid they'd stolen...
(chesty, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 11:41, Reply)

I meant what I said Parker.
Dear Parker,

Effective four weeks from the date of this letter, I resign my position as junior developer.

Sincerely,

Lord Manley


I wonder how long this holiday will last?
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 11:16, Reply)

must have been about 10...
... on 1st holiday away from home, went to cornwall with mate and his family. on 1st day got fishhook stuck in my finger (bloody barbs). spent remainder of day in hospital having the bastard thing cut out and blood tests etc done to ensure i didnt have AIDS etc. went home next day. friend went off me after that point. sorry for longness.
( The Flaming Ibanez Awww, c'mon, Japanese girls do it!, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 10:47, Reply)

Honeymoon in Grenada
Having married Mrs. Evil after many years of unwedded bliss, the day after our nuptuals I managed to badly sprain my ankle by falling out of a pub.
We duly went on honeymoon to the spice isle of Grenada, which had then suffered the knock-on effect of a passing hurricane (not last year's which completely wrecked the island), the waves from which had wrecked the harbour and stirred up all kinds of sand and other shit.
One of the reasons we'd chosen the hotel was its diving school and we wanted to do a PADI course but with near zero visibility under water, it wasn't even worth snorkelling.
So Mrs. Evil books us on a rain forest walk. Fine, I just thought it would be an easy walk with well-defined paths.
Oh no. Far too simple.
It ends up as a 5 mile hike, up and down, clinging on to roots to stop from sliding down ravines into mud. I was put to shame by a retired Scottish couple who were like mountain goats compared to me and the Mrs.
The result was my ankle ballooned up, went purple and I could hardly walk for the rest of the trip.
And I lost my wallet.
(Doctor Evil, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Art camp a few moths ago
We had a huge fire and all the teachers went to bed early. We broke into the canteen and ate all of the biscuits saved for the the next day. We also found some Peppermint Essence which my friend pointed out was 49% alcohol. So he proceeded to get drunk off that. I had one sip and swore id never have to use breathfreshners again (bloody strong stuff) i stopped there but he drank the whole thing. Well we all ended up going to bed at about 6 in the morning in the canteen which we were booted out of by the lunch lady a few hours after.

Fun stuff though, though they showed us a very strange modern art video about artists hiding under floorboards in gallerys and telling everyone their having a quick wank through the floorboards.
( Box of Rabbits, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 9:16, Reply)

On a school trip to Paris
Which was otherwise excellent as any trip to Paris (where you can drink from the age of about 4) when you were 16, would be. It even coincided with St Patrick's Day, class.

I was in my room in a slightly drunken befuddled state in the early hours of the morning, when I looked out of my window and saw smoke pouring out of a window on the other side of the courtyard. Being the all action kind of guy that I am, I quickly worked out which room I was looking at, recruited one of my friends, raced around to the appropriate room, and started banging on the door and shouting for them to wake up.

It was at this point that my friend looked out of the landing window and realised that the "smoke" was, in fact, just steam coming from a vent thingy. I didn't fancy sticking around to explain this to the occupant of the room who could be heard angrily approaching the door from the other side so we did what anyone would have done and ran away. We all got in trouble for annoying the other guests at the hotel and I couldn't admit the real reason because I was too ashamed.

Still am.
(chocolatepossum, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 9:11, Reply)

Summer vacation in Montana
Younger brother and I drove his Explorer to Montana/Wyoming by ourselves last summer. He taught me to fly fish (27 my first day). We got the best campsite in Yellowstone for three days. Moose, mountain goats, wolves, mountain lions, lots of bison and elk right in the campsite. Beautiful rainbows and brookies.

Second day, we saved the site next to us and paid for it, until twin blonde coeds from Dallas showed up. Carly was interested in radio and my past at KROQ in L.A. We hit it off and she sent Karen to Tom's tent. He loved my outdoor skills...

But after ten days of paradise, the worst happened: We had to return to Seattle.

Someday I am never coming back home...
(Lister, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 9:07, Reply)

Everybody else went on a school trip to France
am I the only one that went on a school trip to Hornsea?

They fed us on butter sandwiches. Just a big spread of butter...between two slices of bread.

They read our letters home before they were posted. And Donna O'Reilly had to change hers because she said the dorms were 'crap'.

I got told off in the middle of a lecture about a woman being kicked in the face by a cow, for weeing myself.

And at the end of the trip, my teacher phoned my parents to tell them about my 'leaky problem'.

Most of my posts are about me weeing myself :(
(b3tasux, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 7:51, Reply)

Disaster in Scatby
Me and me mates decide to drive up to Scratby by the sea (I think, its all but a fuzzy memory now) many years ago, we were all about 18. Me best mate had just bought a new car that day and another mate was driving..

After about a 3 hour drive from London, we`re just about to turn right into the "holiday park" when some big red LandRover decides to overtake. I`m sitting in the backseat leaning my head against the window when it ploughs straight into us, writing off the brand new car and nearly killing me.

The Police arrive, but it turns out the farmer in the LandRover (which didn`t suffer a scratch I might add) was best friends with the policeman. So it ended up being our fault.

So we spend the next couple of days trying to console my mate in one of the most depressing/boring/crap holiday camps in the UK. (Think empty Phoenix nights style nightclub that closes at 10 and plays the same Now Thats What I Call Music record constantly)

Later on during the week one of our friends had a huge argument with his girlfriend, punched a glass door in anger and had to be rushed to hospital to get his hand stitched back on.

`Twas a good laugh though.. holidays with your best friends always are, no matter what happens!

(Oh yes, a couple of days after getting back to London I offer to pick up my mate`s stereo + v. expensive speakers from his wrecked car. I leave the speakers on the backseat of my car (a Mini metro, in Highgate) overnight only to find some cxnt had smashed the window and stolen them.. They obviously didn`t notice the BMWs and Mercedes either side of my shitemobile. Luckily I`d taken the stereo indoors.. my mate never did believe me though :-(

Paul.. get in touch if you`re reading this!
( a username Tue 30 Mar 1971 til, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 7:41, Reply)

Got a cough
which turned into pneumonia and I nearly died. Sydney, age 17. Two months ago.



apologies for length
(brazzin, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 6:29, Reply)

Vacations!
The most recent disaster was on a proposed trip to New Orleans. Our plans were thwarted when we got five minutes from our house. Bales of hay dropped off of a truck travelling in front of us, and when we tried to avoid them the SUV flipped four times. We'd been doing more than 120 kph at the time, but everyone lived. I did look like a spacker with a giant forehead for about a month though, because my seatbelt malfunctioned and I stopped my flight through the windshield with my head. I made small children cry when I went out in public, such fun.

Then, last summer I travelled to the Bahamas with my friend's family.
1. While flying to the tiny airstrip (it wasn't a very touristy area, her stepfather owned a house there), we got to listen on the radio to reports of an air taxi (tiny little plane that carries 3 or 4 passengers, ours wasn't much bigger at 6 passengers) that had run out of fuel flying into the same airstrip minutes before and crashed, killing everyone onboard.
2. The first day, my friend and I stayed in the sun the entire time and got sun poisoning, so we spent the next three unable to move because it felt like our skin was peeling off.
3. Then, as soon as we could move again, we decided it would be fun to float in the little cove by the house on inflateable rafts. The tide went out, and I was stranded on a bed of sea urchins until the tide came back in. It was..prickly.
4. The next day, I jumped into the water at the dock since I dropped something in, and nearly landed on a shark. I have never jumped that high in my life, and I probably never will again.
5. On the flight back, our flight was delayed for hours because of a storm over the airport we would be flying into, but finally they let us go. Bad idea. So, we flew into a thunderstorm in a tiny little puddlejumper. That was falling apart inside. The interior walls came off if you touched them. The flight down felt like being flushed down the world's largest toilet. Minus the wet, pissyness. To an extent. Her mom..freaked out.

On the upside, we managed to cheat her stepdad out of a lot of money at cards.

Insert over-used length joke here.
(Fodqou, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 2:13, Reply)

...
'Don't worry, Em, my love! You are much hotter! Emmathegirl, or should I say Mrs Andytheboy!!! :oD lol'

er...
( Fictional Emma, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 1:28, Reply)

Best holiday in the world ever!
3 years ago on my stag night...

In Copenhagen, dancing in an irish bar to a live band, playing songs by The Pogues and other bands such as Survivor (god knows how they managed to go from Irish Rover to Eye of the Tiger withought missing a beat!) surrounded by danish women, all my friends are there and we are steaming drunk, we sang till we went hoarse...

Then off to a club, covered in sweat and beer, we all dance (badly) till 6 in the morning....

We leave the club, and it's light outside....

Do you know how much of a mindf*ck it is to come out of a nightclub into daylight? it's like 'who turned on the fooking lights?'

But we al piled into a taxi, and then home to bed....

Best bits.

1. All my mates there, it had been quite a few years since we had all been together.
2. The danish women!
3. The danish beer.
4. No bloody hangover!

Magic, i'll never forget it ever.

Sorry for length but I dont care!

Phat (sweaty and covered in beer) Dave
(Mandingo, Tue 26 Apr 2005, 22:58, Reply)

Some amusement, misery, pain, degredation and the like...
Many holidays have scarred me deeply. (I make no apologies about the length, this is carthartic for me, the pain...)

The first stay over school trip (Year seven) I went on was a nightmare. My parents had only given me a fiver to spend for the whole week so I ran out of money pretty damn fast. Also, at that time, I was a total little loser geek child at the time, and prone to outbursts of tears. Of course, the school being oh so clever, I was put in a room with several of the school bullies. Much un-amusement occurs, including severe weeping on the first day that even made the bullies stop hitting me and squirting toothpaste in my ears.

Next school trip (year 8) was much better, as I'd sorted myself out somewhat. Unfortunately, this was an outward bound type affair in the Lake District. Not being the most adventurous type at the time, I was pleased with myself that I'd done loads of cool stuff. The abseiling day should have been a piece of piss. However, I managed to totally miss the start point of the abseil when it was my turn and wander off on some little path in the middle of nowhere. I then slipped down a scree path and hurt my ankle. Spin on 10 minutes to find the instructors running around in panic shouting my name, to find me in tears at the bottom of a hill. Did the already non-existent street cred no good whatsoever....

Spin on about 10 years, and I go on a road trip around the UK and Ireland. All was great, until one night when we camp out at Much Wenlock in a nice campsite. All is good, a fun night of wine drinking and cards by torch light, until the middle aged couple in the next tent over begin to have their fun. Hmm. S&M will never be fun for me no matter how hard I try, the image is too nasty in my brain, fat old people spanking each other is just not pleasant. "Ohhh, yeah, thats good, you're a bad boy arent you?"

Finally, my last holiday was a 3 week journey across Russia from Moscow to Vladivostock by train and then flying to St Petersburg. It was the best holiday I've ever had, except for one section at Lake Baikal. The guidebook suggested that this was the one place in Russia you could drink the water. Hmm. The words "explosive" and "diahhrea" spring to mind. In a latrine. That stank of my previous diahhrea. I felt so sick by the stench and the churning of my guts, I couldnt do any of the walks that we were going to do in the region, and also crapped myself once whilst sitting and resting. Still, memories eh?

Apologies for length again, but I have to get it out of my head somehow.... bye now.
(Jonny Googs, Tue 26 Apr 2005, 22:23, Reply)

a holiday in France
when i was about 8 on one of these sunsites type campsites with static caravans.

our caravan was next to an open square of grass (with caravans around the edge of it.) also it was on a slight incline, so me and my brother rented bikes and proceded to go down this hill quickly.

he stopped. my brakes didnt work, there was a river at the bottom of the hill, que me nearly removing my balls and getting very wet in the process.
(Buttoxpillow, Tue 26 Apr 2005, 22:19, Reply)

Nothing like a corpse to lighten the day...
On the last day of a very boring holiday to Spain, we were sitting next to some river in Bilbao, doing bugger all when all of a sudden the police start roping off the area on the opposite side to us, being nosey buggers we hung around waiting to see what was going on, the police people kept looking into the water, by this time there was as large amount of nosey people watching.
After a while a fire enging type thing drew up near us and lowered a speedboat into the river, by now we're getting excited and Dads hiding behind a lamppost trying to not look like he's recording it all, the speed-boats lowered into the water and a little half-naked man drives it out to the other side of the river.
To cut to the point, it turns out they dragged a dead body out of the river, Dad looked very shamed at recording it all, everyone on our side of the river looked very uncomfortable and mum spent a good half hour trying to convince my 8 year old sister that they were fishing out drugs...magical memories
(bangbangstoat, Tue 26 Apr 2005, 21:34, Reply)

I accidentally fingered my Auntie

(SSSSS, Tue 26 Apr 2005, 21:20, Reply)