Cockroaches
At a family holiday in Greece many years ago, it turned out the wardrobe was infested with cockroaches. Since then, I've always shaken my clothes before putting them on.
(P-Nuts, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 14:30, Reply)

Theres always one...
For the most part, all my holidays have been pretty cool... New York is one of the gereatest Cities in the world, LA was wierd but pretty class, its mostly school trips that suck.

Ok so its 1997 or something, ive just started secondary school (year 7 or something). and to break the ice for all the new pupils, we were sent on a day trip to france.. Hillarity ensued.

- Went to french bakery and made pan ou chocolate then told we had to pay for them...
- Clever kid in class shat self on journey, got bought new, asterix clothes....
- went to beach and found plastic bag... turned out to be dead jellyfish
- on trip home coach wheel exploded, Clever kid had more explosive shits... Bonus though i managed to scare the crap out of friends by telling them i saw someone outside the coach...

Thats pretty much it other than a gypsie family chasing after one of the teachers trying to sell them a bucket and spade.

Its long but you love it
(Limited IQ, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Spain...
We went on our first holiday anywhere but France when I was thirteen. Both my bro's were drinking age and discovered just how cheap beer was over there...and the footie worldcup was on.

Second day, after legging it round the pebble-dashed swimming pool, being chased by some freakazoid Danish lass, I slip, leg scraping down in to the pool, muchos blood is pourin gout of my leg which was ripped to shreds by the pebble dash - no more swimming for me.

Last night, world cup final, brothers decide to venture off...4am a knock on our door two random people and one of my brothers - wearing no shoes and crying appear. Transpires he's 'lost' my other brother, had been stabbed and mugged, take him to hospital and then panick what has happened to bro number 2. Searching the streets of Benidorm for hours and hours, no sign. Eventually, about 5pm the next day, another knock at the door...other brother...he's been asleep on his balcony waiting for Bro#1 to come back.

We decided not to go back there again and we all still have the scars to prove why!
(wormeater, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 14:06, Reply)

It was a great holiday, but...
...it was full of foreigners.
(project-2501, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:58, Reply)

Well, I didn't stay around to see the result, but still
On holiday in Crete last year, I soon discovered that Cretan toilets generally only have a very thin pipe to send the water through when you flush them, thus most toilets had warning signs in them telling you not to flush bog roll. But alas, I happened to be taking a dump in a toilet that didn't bear one of the aforementioned signs, and flushed a large wet turd's worth of paper without thinking. I decided it was probably time to leave when the pipe started shaking more and more and looking as if it was about to explode, and promptly legged it.

Oh, and there was also the time when, on an all-inclusive holiday in Mexico, I decided it would be funny to get my parents as drunk as possible by repeatedly filling their glasses with wine. Not a wise move, as I discovered that night when they were having unpleasantly loud sex.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:56, Reply)

.
When I was about 8 and went to Gambia with my parents some woman tried to buy my hair at a restraunt and during the evening would keep comming over and stroking my hair. Scary when you're only 8, and she did put me off my food. Some man also tried to buy me.
(deathphoiadeath, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Freak weather
I have very bad luck with weather.

Last year in March (freakishly cold if you remember), I decided that it would be a good idea to hire a house boat and tour the Norfolk Broads. It was a little chilly to say the least, and we woke up on the second morning to find the water where we were moored had frozen solid and we were stuck in the boat miles from anywhere, unable to move an inch.

Then I went to Texas and drove into the path of a flash flood - there was water about 5 feet deep flowing all around the truck with waves bigger than you get in the sea. I ended up stranded next to a pizza hut with all the staff sitting on the roof.

Then last month the plane I was in got hit by lightning on the way to New Zealand.

Incidentally, I also caught a sub-tropical strain of tonsillitis in a rainforest - but that was nothing to do with weather... probably evil parrots.
( babs just dreamt sea monsters live in the potato patch, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:51, Reply)

Killer Apes
I was enjoying a lovely holiday on the Costa Del Sol last year and went to Gibraltar as a birthday treat (cheap ciggies). It was great until I tried to give a bit of carrot to an ape on the top of the rock. The ape had just been shagging and it and it's lover proceeded to try and eat both of my arms. To top it off my bloody brother just ran off and hid like a little girl!!
( Mork of Ork AKA Mike Oxarrd, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:38, Reply)

Timing is everything...
Me and my best mate Mike decided during the summer hols from Uni to visit his parents who, at the time, lived in Alicante. Now my Dad's old army regiment were at the time stationed in Berlin, so we figured "2 birds with one stone" and all that, and decided to spend a couple of days in (pre-Wall coming down) Berlin before carrying on down to Spain.

Setting aside for the moment the monumental diversion we had to take to get to Berlin in the first place, off we set. I had some basic 'tourist German', but Mike only knew one phrase: "Meine Beutelmaus hat verstoppfung", which translates as "My wombat has constipation." Remember that phrase...

So - 7am on an East German train just leaving the Hook of Holland and now heading through the 'transport corridor' that let western folk travel overland to the hedonistic sinpots of Berlin, starving hungry as only two students can be, we decide to leave our compartment to look for some sort of breakfast/diner car. Wandering down narrow aisles, just wide enough for one person to walk down. Up ahead, i spot a uniformed chap walking towards us. "Ah!" thinks I. "Must be the guard..." Then I notice he has a sidearm, in a holster...which he is unbuckling...and looking very stern.

I presume he thought we may be East Germans attempting to defect, as he blocked the corridor, one hand on his luger, growling something to us that I basically figured out meant "Get the fuck back in your compartment before I shoot you."

It was at this point that Mike decided to demonstarte his grasp of German by leaning over my shoulder and saying in his best German accent "Meine Beutelmaus hat verstoppfung..." Well, it certainly shut the border police-army-gun-toter up. I swear that phrase just MIGHT have saved our lives!

Ok, maybe not, but it still makes me giggle to this day, over 20 years later. And he's still my best mate (Mike, not the guard - that would be weird.)

Apologies for lack of length, but I always figure that staying power is just as important anyway.
(AlohasRyk, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:36, Reply)

On the Norfolk Broads last year
Backing up the old tub stern on to a quay. My mrs was at the rear giving me guidance and was bending down to clear the dinghy we were towing out the way. Even though I was backing up slowly I hit the quay with a bit of a bump. I heard a bit of a commotion behind and turned round to see three blokes trying to fish my 'slightly' overweight wife out of the water. It was then I thought it might be a good idea to turn off the engine. It wasn't funny at the time but we laugh about it now
(13 Floors Up, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:26, Reply)

ads
i finally noticed those google ads everyone has been crying about


sooks
:P
(dawa, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 13:26, Reply)

Art trip to Berlin
After 4 shite days of solid working, the teachers decide to take us out clubbing on the last night. So we go to a few pubs first where everyone gets pretty belted and then move on to some 80s night at a club. So I'm dancing like a twat whilst drinking way over my limit when suddenly without warning I throw up right in the middle of the dancefloor. I then fall over laughing hysterically and find a small hole under the stage which I climb under. Wake up at 5:00 in the morning in an almost deserted club under a stage in Berlin. Took me 2 hours to find my way back to the hotel (which was 5 minutes round the corner) wearing a sweaty Tshirt in the fucking cold looking like a right crack head. Shite, but quite interesting never the less.
(Barry Big Fist, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Ibiza (back in the day)
used to be my family's favourite holiday destination. This was all before I was born, so maybe 25 years ago?
One night my mum, dad, gran and great-gran had gone for dinner in a restaurant, and my mum and gran decided to cut the evening short.
When they got back to villa they couldn't get in, could hear people banging about inside the villa, so put two and two together and realized they were being robbed.
Fortunately my gran was one of those people who has unfortunate bladder weaknesses. She decided she couldn't wait until the bastard thiefs took what they wanted and pissed off, so she just pissed on the lawn.
Apparently it was the monumental volume of her piss that led the burglars to escape out of the back window. Perhaps they thought it was the police and their animal back up? Who knows.
Still, all they took was my great-gran's entire home made holiday wardrobe, so she had to spend the rest of the holiday wearing the only outfit she had left.
(Lizzilla, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 12:51, Reply)

The $200 turd
I was about 15 and on holiday with my family and an American couple they knew doing a fly-drive holiday on the west coast. We stopped in vegas for 2 nights and stayed in the newly opened Excalibur hotel (then the world's largest).

On the first night I gorged myself on one of the endless buffets you find in these casinos and by morning I was busting for a shit. Settling down in the rooms spanking new bathroom a forced out what can only be described as the king kong of dumps, taking several hard pushes to get it clean out.

I flushed to toilet and bid my impressive evacuation farewell. The turd it seems had other ideas and ended up getting stuck in the plumbing and flooding the bathroom. I said I had no idea why the toilet had overflowed.

My dad being my dad complained to the management about the flooded toilets and we got both rooms on the house making a saving of $200.
(fatcatpat, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 12:20, Reply)

this question
makes me feel a lot better about the rarity of our family holidays.

back to the obligatory tale: when i was about 7 my dad got me a tent, which proceeded to lie unused in the garage over the winter. unfortunately by the summer earwigs has laid their eggs in one of the hollow tubes, and the entire thing was full of the little bastards, running about and scaring the shit out of my young self. the tent went back in the garage and was never taken out again.
(ru, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 12:13, Reply)

Had a great holiday in Turkey many years ago with my mum
Untill we got on the plane to go home which was a smoking flight, flea ridden and the worst meal ive ever had
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 12:05, Reply)

Things some people will do for £9. (Apologies for length in advance).
When I was 17, me and a large group of friends, both male and female, enjoyed a sunny break in Newquay. Being the first holiday many of us had enjoyed without the parents, the beer was flowing to excess and the behaviour was getting quite silly.

For some reason not known to this day, the girls had decided to sculpt a carrot into a phallus and hide it in our caravan. We found it, had a laugh and there it sat on the dining room table.
After dinner and a few more beers, my mate Dave picks up the dildoesque carrot and decides to ask the now timelessly funny question: "Richard, I bet you wouldn't stick this up your arse for money?"
Now, what you need to understand is that Richard never backs down from a challange, no matter how stupid. It became a game to push the limits and dare him into doing silly stuff. However, none of us expected him to take up this one!

"How much money?" he asked.

After a quick fumble in pockets for loose change, we manage to raise the grand sum of 9 pounds sterling. Being sure that he won't stick a carrot up his arse for just £9 we put our cash on the table.

It was at this part my laughter started to turn to apprehension. "Close the curtains" Richard ordered.

Then, our mate Steve takes on the role of referee, just to check the challange is done correctlly and the £9 is earnt fair and square. He does this by marking on the carrot a line which it has to be inserted to!! (WTF?)

The events that unfolded next were watched through gaps in my fingers. After a first failed attempt, Richard decides that the carrot needed some lube and rubbed it with water. This suggested to me and Dave that he had done this before. As Dave and I sat there, hunched double in disbelife; Rich bent over for a second attempt.

Steve was now kneeled down beside Richard, shouting words of encouragement like "Your almost at the line!, Keep pushing!, You dirty bastard!" He then asked Dave and I to witness that the carrot had indeed reached the line, a quick disguested glance proved it had.

The £9 was handed over. Later that evening, while clubbing; Rich was well chuffed that he had an extra £9 to spend on pisswater beer. I on the other hand was just glad that I didn't ever have to stick things up my arse for beer money.

He regrets his actions now, as we all take pride in mentioning it every time we see him. I'm looking forward to the day I can tell this story at his wedding reception.

Next week, all of the original group are going to visit Steve who now lives in Berlin. I'm sure this story will be mentioned more than once...
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 11:52, Reply)

freddie kreuger
age 16, family holiday in florida. had images of myself returning to school all grown up for the sixth form with long, lean bronzed limbs. bearing in mind my flab is lucky to go from blue to white this was perhaps overambitious.

fell asleep on a cloudy beach covered in suncream for about an hour. woke up to find i was a bit pink. excellent, i thought, seeing the transformation into golden sex kitten begin.

five hours later i am in agony in bed. every single inch of me apart from my back is burnt to buggery. i was the colour of a freshly boiled lobster and even having a sheet over me hurt like hell. after about three days it all turned into gooey green blisters the size of fried eggs which would burst randomly and pour their sticky soggy evil smelling badness over everything.

after a week of lying in bed i decided my holiday was fucked enough and ventured out with my family. cue the biggest florida plantation house in the world. they had to get me a wheelchair. the americans were all staring in sympathy at the poor young girl struck down in her prime. until my brother ran me over all the cobbles at speed and i swore more like a sailor being tattooed. jesus that hurt. not to mention my green, cracked, freddie kreuger face and the wet patches of burst blisters. eventually the torture was over and i stood up and walked... their faces were a picture... had it been tennessee they might have thought it was a miracle!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 11:52, Reply)

Spain is lovely...
Especially when your father gets admitted to casualty with a heart rate of 270 within 6 hours of getting into the country.
Cue me, my 12 year old brother and my mum sitting in an apartment for a week playing yatzy, and spending 30-35 euros, every single day for a week, on a taxi to visit my father in the hospital, since i don't have a license, and my mum was scared to drive around the mountains of southern Spain. Oh, that's 30-35 euros for a one-way fare...
The fact that my mother and brother can't speak a word in any other language than Danish, and me having only had about 6 months of Spanish at a trade school that i couldn't care less about just made it that more enjoyable. Did i mention that very few spanish people are any good at english?
It all ended with my brother and me travelling home by ourselves and spending 5 days alone (yay!) before they finally got my dad carted off back to Denmark.

Spain is lovely...
(Jindrak, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 11:03, Reply)

Belgium
School trip to war graves. As I'm sure everyone British will know, the attention payed to ones attire on the rare school occasions where you don't wear uniform is, to say the least, close. It was a bad idea, therefore, for me to think "fuck it" and throw on a leather jacket and baseball cap with my curly hair poking out from underneath.

I was mercilessly called "paedo" "sex offender" and other variations on the theme throughout the entire trip. I have some sympathy with paedos now: nobody deserves that.

I am sure, though, that all of this would have been wiped from my memory if the strip club that my teachers had oh-so-wisely decided to book a hotel next to had actually had any strippers in it, as opposed to it being their night off. As it was we had to make do with drinking large quantities of Del Boy cocktails and smoking gear which we were sold at a ridiculous price by the local kids.

Oh and I had to put up with people writing really achingly deep stuff like "Why?" in the frost on the ground at the cemeteries. Cringeworthy.
(chocolatepossum, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 10:42, Reply)

not on holiday but
Since my kid was born we've had 3 holidays abroad. On 2 occasions we've ended up in casualty the night before flying out with some random ailments. And these are the only times, including his birth, that he has ever been in hospital. I mean, how does he know?
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 10:21, Reply)

Stripey cat,we hardly knew ye
On holiday in Fuerteventura with two friends a few years back flying kites and stuff,we found that our apartment complex had its own collection of sort of tame cats.The reps warned us not to feed them or let them into our rooms.They reckoned without our love of cats,amplified many times by booze.So,one night after a heavy evening,we coaxed three or four of the little fellas in and gave them milk and stuff.Stripey cat was our most favourite,because of his ace stripes.I fell asleep with him on my chest....
....and woke up with the entire top of my bed covered in foul runny cat shite.And then the cleaner came in to do the floors.Thankfully she didn't come into my room.Stripey cat you ungrateful bastard.
(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Fri 22 Apr 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Ibiza 1989
2nd time abroad with my Mum and Dad and family friends:

1) My brother stabs me through the hand in a row over a magazine

2) As a result of the above- no swimming for the remaining week despite it being 90 degrees

3) While having dinner on the balcony of family friends apartment- the roof collapses onto the dining table, spoiling the meal and landing 3 of our group in hospital

4) a day before flying home I develop severe appendicitis, requiring emergency surgery and a further 2 weeks in hospital and another 2 weeks recuperating in a hotel-causing me to miss the 1st 2 weeks of high school

5)whilst recuperating in a rather nice Hotel Ibiza is hit by the worst storms seen in living memory-hurricane force winds and 20 ft waves confines the entire island to hotels

6) When we eventually arrive back at luton airport my mum (still quite distressed by a forced extra 2 weeks in Ibiza) crashes into the back of an Ice cream van on the drive home

could have been worse I 'spose
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 9:59, Reply)

crivens
i once went on holiday to a landfill, but it was rubbish.
(spastic_lequeer, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 9:32, Reply)

Arriving in Cyprus
i arrived in cyprus and dumped my gear into my room and me and my friends headed straight to the beach.
We all went leggeing into the water and i skidded on the rocks under the water and thought nothing more of it.
I then decided to get my face mask and snorkel and have a swim so i wonder up over the sandy beach and up onto the patio area beside the bar.
I bend down and notice a bloody footprint and think what idiot is bleeding all over theplace only to have one of the girls with us advise me that it is me and i am pissing blood out of my ankle.
I then get rushed to the local medical centre have all the sand removed from my cut with some hydro stuff that makes the blood bubble and get 4 stitches and told i am not allowed to swim the rest of the holiday as there have been sharks spotted in the area and they don't advise me with a nice cut to go swimming. the stitches are then removed the day before we leave.
At least i eneded up meeting 2 tasty nurse's and a rather tasty female doctor :D
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 9:18, Reply)

Rotating Wobbly Hat
I'm afraid I have to dispute your post. By the most direct route (the 5 freeway to the 10 freeway), Disneyland is 40 miles from Santa Monica. Usually, the last hotel shuttles from Disney leave as the park is closing, or an hour beforehand. During the winter, the park closes usually at 8pm, during the summer it closes at midnight.
The average person walks roughly 3 miles an hour, so to go by the most direct route would have taken him 13 hours. Ok, that's plausible if your brother left at 7pm and ran a little bit. However, CHP would have picked him up already for walking on the freeway. But he also spent 3 hours drinking coffee in Denny's, as well as hanging out with some guy?

As for walking, with no street map, I don't believe a word of it. Even natives get lost just driving around LA and Orange Counties with a map. He'll have walked through prevalent gang areas, and the main streets are horrendous, and the amount of police activity in those gang areas is huge. He would have/should have been stopped.

And I really can't believe he just didn't call the hotel, or ask for help. Especially when you're that far away from where you're staying.
Are you sure you weren't in Santa Ana? That's the next town over.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 9:01, Reply)

New York, New York!
September 11th, 2001.

Standing just below the twin towers watching a jet fly into the building and the hotdog salesman next to me saying:

"Which fucker ordered the Jumbo?"

/gets coat

I remain, as usual
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 8:54, Reply)

It was a great holiday but............
the itching was unbearable!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 8:45, Reply)

Rain, rain, rain
Having had enough of beach holidays, parents decide to rent a 'nice cottage in North Wales' for a week. Arrive at deserted cottage in rain, spend whole week watching rain, drive home in rain. Still can't play a game of Monopoly without imagining the sound of rain...
(Toooldforallthis, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 8:11, Reply)

German Disney Liar
Not mine, but too good to keep to myself...

A guy I work with - let's call him Matt - went on a an exchange trip to Germany. No probs there, you think. Matt was sixteen at the time, and had clearly said so when arranging the trip. He arrives at the air port to be greeted by "Felix", a brown-toothed, thirteen year old, disney-patches-on-his-jeans hun-child.

Still not so bad, you may think. Well Matt didn't think so, and to make things worse none of his mates who were on the same exchange bothered calling him for the entire duration of his visit.

Except they did, only to be greeted by Felix and his audacious lies: "Matt cannot come drinking tonight, he is going to ze transport museum".

Still, I believe Matt got his revenge during the return leg by abandoning Felix in Manchester with only sketchy and somewhat misleading ideas about how to get home ("Straight down to Dover, turn left and keep going").

/edit: There was also revenge during the German leg of the exchange: Matt informs me that he forced the family to take him to a concentration camp and kept asking if any of their relatives used to work there.
(apologies_for_length, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 7:34, Reply)