Oh dear lord, dear lord above
This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think about it too hard. I shall begin.

My dad, for years, was a miner in our sleepy Yorkshire village. After working down the pit for years he worked his way up to the control room, which controls the washing devices used to clean the dust off coal (still a messy, noisy, dangerous job, but not *quite* as bad as being a miner proper.)

He used to regularly go into what I believe was called the pit face, which was the section being liberated of it's shiny bounty at the time. A tunnel would be dug directly into the rock, and steel props would be used to bear some of the load of the ground above, and these tunnels would be used for access between faces, and to the lifts up to ground level.

My dad was down there one day, talking to a guy, standing in the access tunnel. It's dark down the pit, and you only have the gloomy light on your hard hat shining on the other person's face to see who you're talking to.

Now, the props used to hold up the tunnel were steel, adjusted by a steel peg through holes in the prop. The pressure of the mass above must have bent the steel prop slightly, causing a peg to 'pop' out of the wall with the speed and force of a bullet.

Straight into my dad's friend's temple. Just under the rim of his hard hat. He was killed instantly.

My dad says one minute he was talking to the man, and the next the bloke looked wide eyed, as his brain oozed out of the other temple.

My dad was sick. But he continued working down that pit for another 20 years. Needs must. Family to feed. Jobs scarce.

Click 'I like this' if you think my dad is very, very, very brave to have ever stepped foot in a pit again.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Why has B3ta made me relive this WWWWWWWWHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
bEFORE i START-fecking caps lock- my tale of woe, a little background.

I used to live in Bangkok, and also like a bit of a drink. As such for many years I used to wake up still langered with strange girls in my bed. The usual thing to do in this situation is grope around a bit, then have a nice drunken bleary eyed morning shag then send the young lady on her way, with the money in her purse to keep her kids in shoes for another month.

You think this is going to be about waking up with a ladyboy don't you. You're wrong, that was last weeks QOTW. This is much much worse.

So I'd been away for a few years, and it was time to pop home to visit friends and family for a week. I arrived had dinner with the parents, and it was off down the pub for a session with the mates.

Now I like to think I can take my drink, but the combination of getting on the plane pissed, drinking for the entire flight- good old Thai air, they still ply you with drink to this day- then an evening down the local on top of my jet lag, and I was in a right state. At least I think I was, as I can't remember this part of the story, I'm pieceing it together from what I've been told, and a little deduction.

So it's 2 in the morning, the local gorgonzola city club is kicking out, and I need to go back to the parents house for some long overdue sleep.

But on arriving at the front door I had the old can't get the key in the lock problem, so in the end settled for sleeping on the garden path in front of the front door.

Now my dad is a baker, and as such gets up very early in the morning to go to work. So at around 5 he opens the front door to find me asleep on the path, wakes me up, tells me I'm an idiot, and sends me inside to go to bed.

I stumble upstairs climb into bed, and all is well with the world. I can remember none of this.

What I can remember, is waking up about an hour later- why is it when you've been on a proper bender you can only sleep for a short time, when what you need is a good eight hours?- in a darkened room, pissed out of my face, and a bit disorientated.

Now I thought I was still in my room in Bangkok, and true to form there was a nice warm body in the bed next to me. So what else could I do, but try and get it on. But things didn't go as usual, my advances were met with screams of Eden, what the fuck are you doing?

Yes, I had stunmbled upstairs, and got into bed with my mum. Apparently she had tried to kick me into my own bed, but to no avail, so had gone back to sleep, with me sleeping in her bed. Then I woke up and tried it on.

So the most horrific thing I've seen, is me, trying to fuck my mum.

Just recounting this brings back those suicidal feelings.

I'm off to book some more therapy.

Don't make the length jokes. Please don't.

*cries*
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Lack of funny
In my life time, I have been in prison twice. It's really not a nice place, and I highly recommend NOT going there. This is about my second visit.

Normally, I am a gentle being, I hate hurting people, mentally or physically. I have en extremly long fuse, I can take hours of people annoying me, deliberatly or not, without it having much of an effect on me. Very few things can get me to snap, normally I'll just flick a quick insult and leave it at that.

That said, there are things that *can* get me to snap. I went around to my neighbours a couple of years ago, was good friends with them at that time (and was occasionally shagging their rather hot daughter). Gave their son back his CD's I'd borrowed, was just leaving the house when I heard a quite moan and a the muffled words "I'd like to do [Vulcan15's cousins daughter] like that." My cousin has a 6 month old baby, so I get quite curious.

Opened the door from where I'd heard this, and it really was the worst sight I have ever seen. My neighbour, furiously masturbating to a video of a man sticking his finger inside a 1 year old girl, then getting ready to stick his dick in.

I don't remember what happened next. I do remember standing over him as he lay on the floor, my hand in agony from hitting him and his computer moniter smashed from my foot. I couldn't give you the full list of what I'd managed to do to him, but I'd damaged his testicles enough (I wear steel toed boots and shoes all the time) that he had to be castrated and broken several bones in his legs, arms and ribs. Whatever I did, it would never have been enough to punish him for supporting and getting off to the people who make films such as that, nor him even thinking about doing it to my new born cousin. I got jailed for 60 days for that little trick. That pervert received a 5 year sentence for the images and videos on his computer.

I saw his (now ex) wife in town a couple of weeks after I was released. I tried to hide from her, slightly ashamed of the damage I'd done to her, but she came up to me, and simply said "Thankyou"... I've never seen her or her family since.

Apologies for the lack of joke... I'm now off to celebrate Midsommer! Hope you all have a great day.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:15, Reply)

YOU DIRTY LITTLE.... BLECHHHH
Children are more disgusting than the internet.

Offspring #1 was 3 years old and Offspring #2 was a 1 year old sproglet.

Me and Missus Hostage were snuggled up together in bed in the early hours of Sunday morning, sleeping soundly due to the several bottles of wine we had polished off the night before to celebrate our anniversary. I was woken by soft giggling noises drifting from the Offspring's bedroom. Bleary-eyed, head still spinning from grape-related shenanigans, I blinked at the bedside clock.

Four in the morning? Those kids are taking the piss!

I stagger through to their room, open the door and I'm about to whisper softly to them to go back to sleep because it's not time for normal people to be awake. The words catch in my throat as I detect a strong, meaty whiff. Missus Hostage staggers up behind me. Everything's still pitch black because the lights are off, but then she detects the same pungent odour, reaches past me into the room and flicks on the light.

I have never been greeted with such horror.

Offspring #2 sleeps in a cot. Offspring #1 has taught herself to climb into the cot, so she can play with her little brother in the morning before Mummy and Daddy Hostage drag themselves out of the fart sack. This morning, Offspring #2 has explosively shat his nappy. Offspring #1 has climbed into the cot, discovered the contents of Offspring #1's arse napkin, and devised a fun game with the aforementioned contents. Which mostly involves both Offspring eating large amounts of it, rubbing it in each other's hair, and fingerpainting every reachable surface with it. I'll never forget the sight of their fat, happy faces, streaked with dung, beaming from ear to ear because Mummy and Daddy had got up early. You could see smears of shit between the few teeth they had.

Try washing still-warm turd out of your kid's mouth and hair. At four in the morning. With a pounding hangover. And every time the kids tried to say anything to me that day, I had to scamper to the loo to vomit because of the combination of my hangover and the shit-fumes coming out of their mouths.

I wish I was making this up.
(Chocolate Hostage, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 23:00, Reply)

Wish I was this patient...
Walking down the street merrily one day and I notice a huge lump of steaming dog shit. Naturally I was taken back a bit by this site but walked on and continued with my childhood exploits.

A day or so later I am walking past the place again and notice that someone has gone through the effort of using the dog shit to draw a huge penis on the pavement complete with cum spurting detail.

Click "I Like This" to see a pic of the shit laced cock yourself.
(JC_Green Lacks humour, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

My younger brother
Was about 9 or 10 years old. He had a liking for prunes, whilst I have never liked them, thinking they smell horrible and look like shrivelled bollocks.

Nonetheless, he eats them, so more fool him.

My mum had bought one of those 1kg tubs of prunes the size of a paint can.
He decided to eat as many as he could.

"Don't eat too many," I said, "You'll get the shits really bad."

"No I won't!"

"Ok, your funeral," says mum.

Sure enough, about 30 minutes later, there are about 20 left from this huge tub.

We continue, sitting around watching tv, when all of a sudden, he sits bolt upright, screams "OHMYGOD" and runs up the stairs, clutching his arse.

He rushed into the bathroom, and hurriedly took his trousers down, heading for the toilet.

However, the jet-propelled Niagara Falls of liquid shit started coming hurriedly out BEFORE he managed to properly sit on the toilet, meaning that his arsehole was directly above the toilet seat as he started.

As such, he slipped off the seat, and spun 180 degrees, landing on his chest, whilst the shit was still fountaining out of him.

He slid across the floor, propelled by the frictionless diarrohea and the sheer force of it still coming out.

"Mum!" he yelled, "Help!"

Needless to say, we both ran to see, and found it an extremely funny and sickening sight to behold.

There was shit everywhere. He sandblasted the walls, the floor, himself, even THE CEILING, with shit.

It was sickening. Yet very funny.

Length? About an hour cleaning up.
(fantomex, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 23:08, Reply)

An emergency dump...
One St Patrick’s night my mate and I went to an Irish pub and got totally bladdered on Guinness. There was a lock in and we didn't leave until the governor kicked us out at 4am. No night buses in those days and forget illegal taxis. Ok, so it’s a 2 mile walk home. About one mile into our drunken trek my mates belly rumbled like thunder and he knew he had to have a good shit right here, right now, couldn't hold it in, forget it!! About 100 yards ahead was an entrance to a towpath for the Duke of Northumberland River, so I told my mate to go and have a shit in the bushes on the towpath, no one will be able to see you plus you can wipe your arse in the river and I'll keep a look out from the bridge. So off he goes, drops his kacks and massive load into this bush at which point all we could hear was a chorus of quacking. A group of ducks in quite a rage came flapping out of the bushes covered in my mate’s smelly, stinky, black & runny Guinness dump. Even to this day I still can't look a duck straight in the eye.
(Flegg, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)

This is probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen

They'll sell anything these days
(MrSnuggly, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 20:44, Reply)

alrighty then! my kind of question !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my field of employment (looney nursing) you see lots but a few memorable ones include:

One patient hit his head on a table during a seizure, when we walked in 20 mins later, another patient was poking his finger in the hole in his head and licking off what ever he found.

An incontinent female patient had removed her depends pad and there was lots of blood and shit running down her legs. That wasn't the horrific bit though, it was the male patient sitting on the floor, smiling, eating her pad.

Being sent to another ward to clean up after a death and assuming it was natural causes. When we arrived discovering that it wasn't natural causes but one patient striking another patient with a 12kg dumbell about the head repeatedly. Having blood, bone, brains and hair dripping off the ceiling on to you could be described as horrific.

Receiving a frantic phone call from the staff on another ward stating one of their patients just didn't seem right and to get there as quick as possible. On arriving, discovering that a very large dayroom was covered on every exposed surface, including the ceiling, with shit. Then finding the aforementioned patient very dead behind a chair. He suffered faecal impaction and hadn't shat for 3 weeks. Unfortunately, he got hold of 2 loaves of bread and ate the lot causing his guts to literally explode.

This will probably be seen as more horrific by male users. Sitting having morning tea with some other staff members when a male patient walks in with a peice of glass in his hand. He then calmly cut a 2 inch long hole in his scrotum, pulled each testicle through the hole, smiled at us, then walked out.

There are lots more but the most horrific thing for me now is that it really doesn't bother me much anymore and is seen as amusing to those of us who have been in the game a long time.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 13:22, Reply)

at college....
... the building I was in for Software Engineering was also the building which had the vocational courses and, of course, the special needs students...

One afternoon I was about to eat my lunch when i overheard a LOUD conversation between a bunch of windowlickers...

w/l #1: SHUT UP! VIRGIN!
w/l #2: WHO YOU TALKING TO? YOUR A VIRGIN TOO!
w/l #1: NAH I'M NOT! I SHAGGED TRISHA (*points to girl I can only assume is Trisha*) LAST NIGHT! DIDNT I?
Trisha: Yeah... we did it...
w/l #2 - 5: RUBBISH!
w/l #1: RIGHT! I'LL PROVE IT!

windowlicker #1 then proceeded to pull his pants down, pull Trisha's pants down and started humping her over a canteen table...

it took two security guards to get him 'out' and his cock was waving about the place as he desperately attempted to get back inside to finish up!
(likeajackhammer, Wed 27 Jun 2007, 11:19, Reply)

another freakishly deformed cat
not just HUGE, but also almost completely without fur, and its head is the wrong shape...



the poor thing barely looks like a cat at all.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 10:20, Reply)

I can still smell it
About 10 years ago I used to work in Selfridges. I'd noticed that a lot of people used the toilets to skin up. There were always chipped cigarettes and rizla on the floor.

As I was sitting having a shit one day I saw a bit of hash on the floor, probably about an 1/8. Score, thought I, as I leaned down to pick it up. Instinctively I brought it up to my nose to smell it. It was only when it touched my nose that I realised I was sniffing someone elses shit.

I threw up there and then. I then rushed to the sink where I desperatly tried to wash away the smell from the tip of my nose. It tingled for the rest of the day, constantly making me retch.

What freak shoots out a little pellet of shit onto the floor? How hard is it to miss the bowl when you're actually sitting over it?

My nose has started tingling again.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 4:52, Reply)

cryed like a baby,
Now I've been in the army and seen some nasty, horrible shit in my time, suicide bombers, mates being shot, innocent civvies who've been caught in the the cross fire but the only time I've ever been upset was Boxing day a few years back when I waas taking my much loved but extremely stupid dog (donut) for a walk, he slipped of the lead and chased a cat and ran straight out into the road and was hit by a bus. The old red mist decended and i ran out into the road and picked up old donut with cars swerving to miss me, the sound of his bones crunching will live with me forever. I held him in my arms as he died and cried like a little girl. not ashamed of it and people watching were very kind, almost restored my faith in human nature.
sorry it's not even remotely funny but if you ask an iffy question the expect dodgy answers
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 22 Jun 2007, 15:37, Reply)

Dunno if its the most horrific...
..but certainly good for a laugh.

Me and one of my best mates had gone out for a few sherberts in London a few years back and were on the tube back to Highgate where he lived. As we sat down on the bench seat we were stuck between a young couple and a rather drunken gentleman.

The young lady was complaining that she had never drank champagne before and was feeling woozy, whilst her date for the night was far more interested in just getting her home an investigating the inside of her knickers no doubt. We then looked across at the gent the other side who was turning a slightly greenish colour, so my mate jesticulated towards the door vestibule for safety.

The young girl then complained she thought she might throw up, which sent a look of alarm on the other gents face as he was obviously trying to pervent chundering himself, but as sure as shit stinks, the young lady bolted forward and puked. The guy the other side seeing the contents of her stomach and smelling them, naturally could hold it no more and puked himself. The young girl saw his vomitus, almost as if they were in competition hauled up a second load.

My mate, in a moment of genius produced a plastic knife and spoon from his pocket and threw it between them, suggesting something along the lines of 'we're off for a chinese right now, but seing you are not joining us and in caseyour stomach is a bit empty, have a go at clearing up with these!'

Upon seeing the sporks, both of them starting throwing up in tandem, whilst the guy who's luck was out just glared at us in despair. We naturally were too busy pissing ourselves laughing to care.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:04, Reply)

My big-hearted sister
has always had a soft spot for animals.

One day when she was very young she found a sparrow with a broken wing. She couldn't just walk away and leave the poor thing so she brought it home, applied a splint to the wing, named it Sparky and nursed the little chap back to health.

After a few weeks came the day of release as she judged the wing was now healed. As she was removing Sparky from his cardboard box home she fumbled. Sparky, spotting his chance for freedom, launched himself into the air.... and immediately landed in our open, lit coal fire.

I'll remember her sobs for ever. I, on the other hand, couldn't move for laughing.
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Mon 25 Jun 2007, 21:30, Reply)

Poor lass
I went to Download fetival last week ( \m/ ). As is the norm at any big festival, there were two big video screens either side of the main stage with cameras beaming up images of whatever act is on for the benefit of the farther-flung spectators.

In between acts, the camera would zoom in on pretty ladies in the crowd, and the lady would - in general - treat the crowd to a flash of her norks to a resounding "RAAAAAAYYYY" from the appreciative gentlemen in the audience.

Now ... it chanced that the camera zoomed into a more hirsute young lady, and being excited at the sight of herself on-screen, she lifted up her garments to bare ... a floppy, spaniels-ear-esque pair of boobs and a pale, quivering gut. I don't want to be unkind to her but it really was a pretty horrific sight.

The audience clearly thought so too, as a resounding cheer of "RAA - ooooooouuuuff" shook the air. She must have been mortified!
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 13:12, Reply)

Not cute and definitely not fluffy
Walking back to my student house in Durham having spent a morning in lectures on the other side of the city, I stopped at a pelican crossing at some traffic lights, waiting for the lights to change.

As I waited, a bus turned right and proceeded up the hill away from the town. As it turned, something large dropped out of the bottom of the bus into the road, right into the path of the crossing. The bus carried on. the lights changed to red for the traffic.

As the crossing lights turned green, I took a good luck at what appeared to be a pile of clothing in the middle of the road as I walked up to it, before coming to the gruesome realisation that it was a body, severely mangled and mutilated and missing at least one limb, as well as being partially decapitated. I was standing next to it. Blood was running in great quantities from it down the road, and about 100 yards down the road there was a shoe. The shoe still had a foot in it.

As the full horror of the situation sank in, and other people got out of their cars to look, I vomited on the spot. I've usually got a strong stomach, but I reckon that sight could turn anybody.

I wish I was making it up... news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/2795347.stm
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:27, Reply)

I asked a nurse ...
... this question once, expecting the whole puking shit through your ears thing. But instead, she said the worst thing she ever saw was a new born baby boy - who was born with a fully mature adult penis, replete with pubic hair.
(Ihaveagirlfriend, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Most horrific thing I've seen?
Bridget Jones' Diary.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 10:48, Reply)

The day that Prince Charles married lady Diana
They had a large street party with various entertainers doing their bit and one of the climax acts was an escapologist.

His finale was to escape from a straight-jacket whilst hanging upside down from a burning rope 30 feet above The Guildhall Square Portsmouth.

Trevor Revell was his name, and he was the father of a girl I went to school with.

He was only 35.

This being 1981 crowd control consisted of a length of rope being handed to the people at the front (which included me and my best friend) and the police telling everyone to stand behind the rope, which they did.

He was strapped into a straight-jacket then hoisted 30 ft in the air on a burning rope before a crowd of 3,000 people celebrating the wedding. But the trick failed and the rope burnt through too quickly and he plunged head-first onto a concrete paving slab.

I was at the front.
I saw him hit the ground head first.
I heard his skull shatter; I heard his skull crack like a boiled egg being hit with a spoon.

I saw the puddle of blood and brain he left behind after they loaded his still twitching body onto a stretcher and into the ambulance which rushed him to QA hospital where he later died.

I thought at the time that this was the most horrific thing I’d ever seen until, as the crowd dispersed a group of rowdy skinheads who had been standing behind us pushed their way forwards and began jumping and dancing in the pool and blood and brain.

That was, and still is the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen.
( Darryn.R, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 15:37, Reply)

Psychological
The most horrible thing I've ever seen isn't the most disgusting. There's no blood, no bones, no internal organs of any kind.

Let me set the scene: Back when I was but a wee 13-year-old, I was a suck-up little shit out for his Duke of Edinburgh's award. As opposed to all the others doing the award for a chance to fuck off camping, I ended up doing all the other bits as well. One of the four sections of the award was volunteering for something, and after wracking my brains, I volunteered at an old people's home not far from my family's home in Hull.

What I didn't know until my first day is that the home was for old people with senile dementia. Some of them were good enough to go to the shops by themselves, others needed someone to feed them and "clean them up" when they shat themselves. Guess what job I got? Still better than bathing the old sods. For some reason, I was fine being up to my elbows in faeces, but touching another man's willy was (and is) right out.

None of that was the most horrific thing I've seen. No, that award goes to one of the old dears. She was 80 if she was a day, and normally fine -- she could feed herself, knew when she needed the khazi, and generally was the life of the old place. Until something set her off.

The first time I saw her go off was in the day room. The old buggers were sat around reading the paper very slowly, doing the crossword, or watching telly, when this old dear starts screaming her lungs out. Disturbing, but it sometimes happens. She got it together enough to shriek words next: "No daddy, I've been a good girl, I promise." I asked if she did this when I wasn't around, and one of the nurses told me that yes, she did. Foolishly, I asked if anyone knew what she was re-living. They did.

Every Sunday for the best part of five months, I would sit in the day room of this old people's home, listening to an old woman who was otherwise the shining light of the place re-live one of the many times that her father, grandfather, and uncle gang-raped her. When I tried to calm her down, she spat at me and called me by her father's name.

Yeah, this story has no punchline. It left me feeling like shit for quite a while, though.
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Tramp related poop...
I used to work in Sheffield (briefly). I was walking back up through the city and passed the cathedral en route.

It's an impressive building smack bang in the city centre, so I and most of the hordes of people walking past usually spared it a glance.

This particular afternoon a brightly coloured movement caught my eye; it was a tramp's woolly bobble hat, on a tramp, and the movement was him unfastening his trousers and crouching. "Surely that guy can't be about to have a shit!" I thought.

As with car accidents, or other things you don't want to see, I was rooted to the spot, gazing at the horrific and somewhat shocking event unfolding before me.

Looking on, the tramp leant forward, supporting himself by leaning his arm against the cathedral wall. Some inhuman grunting took place, and he began to defecate.

I had never before (or since!) seen another human have a crap, and I believe my jaw may have dropped. It certainly did when his dog, on a traditional tramp bit of string, began to eat it, still warm and freshly dropped.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 22 Jun 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Tasty
A heavily pregnant dog was brought into the vets surgery where my girlfriend works, clearly in distress. It had apparently been nesting in a cupboard trying to give birth. The owners had been forewarned that it would need a caesarean, so they were instructed to bring her down as soon as she went into labour.

So they admit her, but before they can get her in to surgery and on a table, the dog just stands there, howling. Several howls later it starts retching violently, and gradually throws up a mangled, half-digested puppy.

Turns out it had already given birth to part of the litter, but it was a bit broken.
(songsforeveryone, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 10:59, Reply)

Religious fundamentalism
is pretty horrific, no matter which religion it is.

Now there's nothing wrong with religion per se, if you choose to observe it. I'm just saying that just because you believe something, you shouldn't automatically assume that:

a) it is absolutely true and that there can be no other explanation;
b) everyone else should also believe it;
c) the text you go by should be taken literally as a true and complete record of past events, and book of instruction, and
d) if others don't agree with you, you have the right to maim, torture, rape, kill etc to punish them.

That's just not cricket.

There's my philosophical thought for the day. Better than goatse, at least.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 26 Jun 2007, 16:46, Reply)

Smell is 90% of taste
Back when I was in uni our flat toilet was notorious for getting blocked. One day the block was particularly severe and unfortunately the turds had chased the paper and with no plunger we had to get creative. We hit upon the inspired idea of pouring a kettle's worth of boiling water down it to, you know, "loosen things up". Seemed sensible enough at the time. Imagine for a moment if you will when you smell the wonderful wafting odours of a home cooked meal making their way through your home. I think you can see where we're going with this. The smell literally jumped down my throat. As I approached the epicentre my nostrils burned and eyes stang. The urge to vomit was overpowering - we had created a monster. My flatmate's girlfriend arrived at the door and refused to enter, our faecal stew's stench was too overpowering. I felt like I was eating a turd burger. We threw a bucket of water down hoping to dislodge the blockage. Not smart. Now we had a toilet bowl brim full of luke warm water and dissolved turd. There was only one thing left for it. I donned a rubber glove and, choking back the vom, inserted my hand into the dark heart of the beast used my fist as a makeshift plunger. Then I fainted. No, not really. It took me three separate attempts to dislodge the blockage (between desperate retreats for air). Finally I heard a gurgle and a rush and the demon was slain. It took a long time for that smell to go away.

And that was how we boiled a turd.
(dunk010, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 2:01, Reply)

Inspired by purplegod
TKMaxx is a pretty horrific place at the best of times. I mean, they have lots of lovely cheap clothes and all, but cheap designer clothes attract chavs like moths to a flame, and on a Saturday, chavs come with screaming chav children. But I do brave TKMaxx every time I'm out shopping, for one very good reason: occasionally they have bras in my size. I'm a 28F/30E, and as such bras that fit me tend to be A - few and far between, and B - bloody expensive. So anywhere that might have cut price bras designed for my skinny yet "fuller figured" physique is fair game, even if I do have to rugby tackle Burberry-clad morons to get at the lingerie section.

So anyway, a while ago I was in TKMaxx and amongst all of the annoyingly normal-sized bras was this enormous purple monstrosity. It was HUGE. I mean, I could quite comfortably get my head into one of the cups with plenty of room to spare. I was quite literally incapable of imagining the sheer size of the person who might fit into it. According to the label it was a jaw-dropping 48JJ. You've no idea just how big 48JJ is until you've actually seen it. But the horrific part?

It was padded.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sat 23 Jun 2007, 18:40, Reply)

Well I don't know about you
but this ranks pretty high on my list of gruesome sights (NSFW.)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 23 Jun 2007, 14:46, Reply)

i don't know whether to be proud or scared of what i've started
don't know about lightguy!

but i feel sick reading some of these. so i'll start off with one that doesn't involve bodily fluids, just much mental barfing at the sickly sentiment.

just seen two chavs in uxbridge. he's wearing a blue t-shirt with "tony loves michelle" in pink letters written in a pink heart. and she's wearing a pink t-shirt with a blue heart proclaiming "michelle loves tony".

i think i might be physically sick...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 14:48, Reply)

Corpse
Two guys were attempting to rob the newsagents next door to my Papa's shop.

They duly kicked the door in and ran into the back store in an attempt to steal as much stuff as they could.

They were greeted by the sight of a dead body, lying in a coffin surrounded by flowers.

Cue screaming and panic, one faints and the other legs it.

The Stupid cunts had broken into the wrong shop, my Papas funeral parlour, one of them was found by the police lying on the floor next to the corpse.

My papa used to piss himself laughing when ever he told that story.
(hudster, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 13:03, Reply)

Walked upstairs one day
to be greeted by the sight of the wide-open bathroom door and my mum sat on the bog inserting a tampon :(
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Wed 27 Jun 2007, 12:09, Reply)