Threatening to bash mummy.
I'm going to preview this tale with a couple of salient points - I'm an only child, my mum was a single mother all of my life by her own choice (she had boyfriends but never wanted to settle down). She raised me to be generally polite and respectful towards people who had earned my respect, she also taught me to never hit a woman (which I have followed as rule ever since). We very rarely got on (chalk & cheese) but I had a lot of respect for her due to her drive and achievements.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About 5 years ago my mum died. It was mostly the lung then brain cancer that got her (but she did manage to get her PhD 6 mths. before she karcked it - I made sure she was Dr. on her grave slab thing as it was obviously important to her). She was adamant that she wanted to stay at home for as long as possible, which meant I had to care for her and eventually coordinate all her home-care. This entailed me basically having to leave my wife and bubby and return to the family manse to live (on & off) for about 6 mths. which as you might imagine was fairly stressful.
I had to attend to all of my small,frail mum's needs. Including bodily lifting her into and out of the bath (she was a Pom and I indulged her because she loved having a bath - 1 regret I have is that when she went into palliative care I tried very hard to get her a bath and couldn't). Anyway - one night I just couldn't do it. Mum started getting upset @ not having her bath and things went from there. All of the frustration I'd felt over the last 6 mths. came out - having to wait for hours at a time after the scheduled appt. time to see her oncologist, missing my missus & 2 yo. daughter, watching my mum get even sicker after every round of chemo/radio. Everything... I ended up standing over my mum shouting at her (bearing in mind that we fought like cats & dogs anyway).
She said to me at a lull in my tirade -
"Are you going to hit me now?" not flinching but genuinely scared.
I knew she was being manipulative. But it stopped me dead.
I said matter-of-factly - "No Mum. You've always taught me not to hit women." But it hit me a bit like a brick shouldn't (thank you Mr. Adams). In that moment I saw my mum as human being rather than a parent and it scared, shamed but enlightened me.
Non-the-less the horror feeling I had & the fact that my mum seriously thought I might have hit her left me sobbing. (Call me an Internet Pussy once you've worn these soles 9-2-5).
She gave me a big hug.
To all the Usual Suspects - trust me nothing you could possibly say would make me feel any worse than that moment. But I'll steal your thunder by saying -
My Mom.
Apologies for length? Try the 2 years it took from her being diagnosed to when she died.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:18, 61 replies)

Pussy.
I don't see why you didn't - it's obvious you would have won.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:35, closed)

I'm shedding tears as I thank you.
& your "Having to care for then eventually bury your parent" story is?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:43, closed)

I haven't successfully buried either of my parents yet.
They tend to struggle too much, put me on guilt trips, and besides, someone mentioned something about it being "illegal to bury your parents while they're alive", or some other politically-correct, wishy-washy nonsense.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:48, closed)

Do you still live at home Vag?

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:51, closed)

Sadly not.
As it would make it a hell of a lot easier to get them planted if I did, and, since they live several tens of miles from each other, I'd have to come to some sort of rotary agreement.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:05, closed)

Only pissing you V.
I know you are a salty man of the world.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:14, closed)

I've touched a lady and everything.
I say "touched" I mean "seen", and I say "lady" I mean "photograph".

I say "photograph" I mean "sketch".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:22, closed)

and when you say sketch
you mean imagination.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:13, closed)

Notice the eventual total ignorance of the /trolls
but srsly Vag - which side of the fence?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:24, closed)

Not sure I'm understanding your banter, Sir.
Which side of what fence?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:25, closed)

Stealing a technique from The good Dr. & AB
b3ta.com/questions/horriblethings/post1248096
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:55, closed)

I haven't stolen a "technique" from anyone
Unless "taking the piss" is now copyrighted. Jesus Christ. The "actually my mother's dead" routine is NOT a get-out clause, it's just a way to mark yourself out as being one of the little ones, and generally someone who can dish it out but not take it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:58, closed)

Do elucidate,
how does me declaring that my mother died (more-so the horrible situation I invoked) mark me as someone who can't hack it?
Exactly?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:05, closed)

Ring, you and I get on pretty well.
If you can't see that the all of the above was made in affectionate jest, then perhaps you should have me on ignore.

I'm really sorry for upsetting you - that was not my original intention.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:14, closed)

No harm, no foul then
b3ta.com/questions/horriblethings/post1248154
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:20, closed)

My best friend was late to her burial
He was supposed to be a pall-bearer & I ended up using his dad.
At the point when I sussed he wasn't going to be on time I told the bunch of mostly serious academic types that -
"Mum would've hated to have been late for her own funeral"
Lead Balloon that 1.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:00, closed)

To be fair, your post is titled "Threatening to bash mummy". It seems a lighthearted title, yet you seem surprised at the equally light hearted comments it attracted.
(DBS, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 10:39, closed)

She would've been "fairy weight" but she could be quite scary once her dander was up.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 23:47, closed)

You did a grand job
Ten years ago I lost both my parents and my two grandmothers to the big C. All in the same year.

My mum had cancer of the liver, and watching someone deteriorate slowly to the point where you're spoon-feeding them and they can hardly eat, isn't something you really want to remember them by.

My dad was diagnosed with leukaemia and was given 6 months - managing to hide it from my mum, so she passed away without worrying about him. He followed her 2 months later.

I'm glad that you say you only had one regret. I hope you felt closer to your mum in her last days. I'm sure she appreciated it.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 11:54, closed)

This honestly made me cry.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:19, closed)

Things things only make us better people
I'm sure that although it hurts to think about it, it does make you more considerate of others. The other replies above show the differences in attitudes...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:27, closed)

Nope. Nope.
Not buying that, sorry. It's a legal precedent that the vital state of one's mother does not negate the funniness of the comments made about her, unless it be on the day of burial or during the week of mourning, and then to refute such is still exponentially dependent upon the bestness of mate making the comment.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:30, closed)

Much as I enjoy your posts
you have been relegated (in my point of view) to have having no more worth than Shambles or AB.
Be proud. Or not...
Piss-taking has it's limits.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:52, closed)

"its"
Didn't your mother teach you how to use an apostro ... oh ... oh shit ... how insensitive. Sorry.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:36, closed)

Was waiting.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:50, closed)

Perhaps you should have a cup of Get The Fuck Over Yourself while you're waiting.
You daft prick.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:52, closed)

Or maybe not.
& you?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:54, closed)

And me what?
You're the one whimpering about people making inappropriate jokes when you practically posted a fucking challenge in your original post, you silly fucking troll. And then a double set of whimpering about me and badger when we weren't even involved in the fucking thread. You needy fucking prick.

I appreciate that being abandoned by dear mummy might have made you a bit delicate, but have a grope around in your keks and see if you can find any bollocks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:59, closed)

How ironic,
I was going to reply to your comment but accidentally clicked 'I like this'.
( 4Q just lurking, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 20:18, closed)

That's mighty tough for you Shambles
I can smell the machismo from here. Go have a shower tough-guy.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 22:23, closed)

What was tough about it?
You trolled a peurile website looking for sympathy and snipes. You got sympathy and snipes. Now you're whimpering about it.

Just because you're a pansy, doesn't make everybody else a tough guy. You'd still be a pansy in an edwardian girls prep school.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 8:37, closed)

Thems is some rough chicks those Edwardian Prep. School Girls
kick 2 types of living shit out of Catholic School Girls. Don't fare so well on the "extracurricular activities" tho.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 22 Jun 2011, 10:32, closed)

I'm totally pulling your pigtails and mocking your freckles.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 11:03, closed)

Sir! He's at it again.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 4:59, closed)

Ninja-pussy.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:59, closed)

Yah. So - based on this, and the awfullness of this and the preceeding few QOTWs, can we all vote for
"How ace my best mate is and what they get up to" for the next one, please?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:25, closed)

I think you assume I'm having a pop at you.
I'm not. You'd know proper if I had. I was just pointing out the differences in attitude. Not saying the jokes were wrong.

I'm sure the McCanns were having a good old laugh about irresponsible parenting until it came home to them. Life just moderates you in certain areas. In time I'm sure they'll find the Maddie jokes as funny as the rest of us.
Or may be not. That's their loss.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:01, closed)

No no - I wasn't assuming that at all. I'm just commenting that the QOTW this week started badly, tailed off towards the middle, and is now drowning in a quagmire of wailing.
It's time to cheer things right the fuck back up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:15, closed)

Fair call.
But no need to be rude.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:18, closed)

Oh for gods' sake ...
Cheer up - it's nearly Christmas, and this year Santa's going to have a bulging sack.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:20, closed)

Jingle Bells, jingle bells
Ringo's mum is dead. ;-)
Peace?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:22, closed)

<wail>
My dad died on Christmas day, you bastard. Thanks for bringing that up*

*may contain traces of lies.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 14:35, closed)

she was adam ant ?
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:00, closed)

Again... Internet Trolls?
Oh, congrats btw!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:27, closed)

trolls for lols.
I don't like serious stories.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:55, closed)

Apparently Yahoo Answers is good.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 12:59, closed)

Yazoo is better.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:01, closed)

How dare you?
This isn't some sort of puerile comedy site, you know.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:00, closed)

i had to care for my mum when she had a massive stroke
and from being strong willed and independent she turned into a hollow shell that used to be some ones mum. the strange thing is that some time towards the end, there was i think maybe 12-15 people in her room all laughing and joking with dear old mum in a coma on the bed. the duty nurse came storming in telling us to be quiet and to remember where we where, just after she passed away we had people coming in to say thank you to us because we laughed and talked about the things she had done and it people remember there is always some thing to make you smile
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:07, closed)

My mum had an 'auto-email-txt' that she'd already setup to send to all her friends/acquaintances once she'd popped off this mortal coil.
For a lady who did her PhD in "using teh interwebs as an Educational Resource" she was remarkably geeky.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:17, closed)

^ This is true
Nobody want their family to be piss miserable. Have a bloody good laugh remembering them, after all they'd want you too.

Unless they were a right miserable cunt, in which case laugh anyway.

At my mother-in-law's funeral, one of her grandsons (who was nearly 30) turned up in a red shirt and a Simpsons tie. Some people tutted and complained, his response was "Do you think she would've minded what I wear?"

At my funeral, I want a theme funeral, based on the Thriller video.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:18, closed)

Many people were surprised that I didn't turn up in shorts, t-shirt & sneakers (my non-school/work uniform since kiddy-hood).
I would like a Bacchanalian orgy personally.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:29, closed)

I want my nerve endings hooked up to the electric
so my body can do a spasticated robot dance on the altar.
Pretty much how my dancing looks now.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:31, closed)

Demo please.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:34, closed)

With several Slendertone type machines
I wonder if it would be possible to have the corpse walk around the crematorium.

I want to test this on Stephen Hawking first. Have him lurch about against his will.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:36, closed)

Now this, I like.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 13:51, closed)

i vote for sandette to be in charge of stephen hawkings all future medical treatment

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 16:44, closed)

Look, I like a good internet joke as much as the next guy, but this is really out of order.
Lots of people read b3ta.
Many of them will have dying parents.
You taking the piss doesn't help.
Fuck off.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 22:27, closed)

Ok I'm biting.
How have I taken the piss? Some of my responses could be a *bit* off colour, but no more or less than any of the others. Everything in my op is true and I meant every word.
How am I disrespecting anyone else whose parents may be dying? I honestly can't see you point. & no. I'm not taking the piss.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 Jun 2011, 23:05, closed)

I can't bare to witness
all these internet hurties.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Wed 22 Jun 2011, 12:14, closed)

roll up roll up see the great b3ta internet fight roll up roll up last chance to see sensible comments come and read here before they all go

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:14, closed)