bit tenuous
but suck it up.

my friend sue is a lecturer, and she has a mixed bag of students in every sense - race, age, ability, gender. one day two students both asked a question simultaneously, at the end of the lesson. one girl came up to her desk, and the other just stuck her hand in the air. naturally sue dealt with the one who had come up to her first, only to receive a formal complaint from the other girl, claiming that it was because she was asian and sue had prefrerred the white student.

sue was fuming over how unfair it was, but the college was terrified of bad publicity. sue was given a choice of a verbal warning or diversity training. she chose the training.

she said it was hilarious. about 15 middle class people in a room, where the lecturer had written headings on whiteboards around the room. the headings said things like: YORKSHIRE, BLACK, GINGER, SCOTTISH, MUSLIM, WOMEN, etc. the idea was that they had to write all their preconceptions under each heading to see how ridiculous they were.

only, sue said the problem was, that every time they looked at someone else's preconceptions, they found themselves saying, "fuck, yeah, so true", or "i forgot about that!" they were all in hysterics.

at the end of the class, the yoghurt weaving lecturer beamed and said, "now we can see how silly they are, is anyone offended by what they have seen here today?"

only one person put her hand up - the muslim girl, cloaked from head to foot in the full on burkha. proving the diversity training had worked not at all, sue said everyone was rolling their eyes and mouthing "typical".

"i was offended," the muslim lady said. so everyone turned to look at the MUSLIM board. and there was just one word written there.

"TERRORIST".

so yeah, actually, pretty offensive!

the hypocrisy came as sue was telling me this, and about how ridiculous the whole class was, and how accurate most of the preconceptions were. then, without any sense of irony, she launched into a saga about how her class had been giving her grief for being from essex, and how unfair it was...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:33, 5 replies)

Hypocrisy, or hypocratic?. It’s what you make it…

I believe that modern science and medicine, like religion before it, is based on the best findings and intellectual opinions that we can come up with at that specific moment in time…as a race we are constantly in search of the truth, and as long as we allow ourselves to be disproved we will always evolve…

In other words, because we don’t know the answers, we will believe whatever we are told by people who claim that they do have the answer…even if it is later proven to be hypocritical.

For instance, only last August, just for a laugh, I sneaked into the diary room on Indian Big Brother, pretended to be a doctor and told Jade Goody that she had cancer. Stupid moo only went and fell for it!

She’s gone and shaved her head and everything! - arf!

I can’t wait to see her pig face when she doesn’t die after all.

Some people are just gullible.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:33, Reply)

On the subject of Jade Goody.
Jack Straw. He lets her Fiance out for the day to marry her.

If I was in jail, and my fiance was dying of cancer, would he let ME out for the day?
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:08, 7 replies)

Old People
I'm sure this will have been mentioned already.

But I am sick and 'effing tired of old people continually moaning about young people having no manners (I'm somewhere in between, by the way) when in my experience it's the other way round.

Case in point - popped into the newsagents the other day and had to wait ages before buying my paper because some old git was yakking away to the owner about how one of his relatives had moved to Israel and everyone there was so polite, they speak to each other on buses (WTF - probably just checking you aren't about to detonate...), so much better than here where no-one has any manners, aren't young people horrid these days, etc.

Eventually, he buggers off, I buy my paper, go to walk out the shop and he's chatting to a friend, oblivious of the fact that he's blocking the doorway.

Length? About 15 seconds before I gave up asking "Excuse me" (at increasing volume) and squeezed past thim.

And I'm sure I heard the coffin-dodger exclaim "How rude!' as I walked away...
(Capo, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 12:07, 4 replies)

The Great British Public
Apologies if this has bindun but I'm not trawling through X pages of posts.

The British press and the British public are guilty of the greatest hypocrisy of all - Their attitude towards Jade Goody. If we look back a year ago when Jade was embroiled in the "Shilpa popadom" bruhaha when the public and the fourth estate were baying for her blood for alleged racism. Look back at all of the shite that she's also fed the press and they in turn have fed the peon masses - Jade sucks off some moron in BB - Jades Mum in shoplifting drama - My estranged Dad - Boyfriend beats the shit out of some poor fucker. The public, up until this point, have fucking loathed her with a venom normally only reserved for Myra Hindley.

Fast forward a year "I've got cancer" say Jade. Suddenly everyone's hailing her as a brave princess, wedding this, Jade's love that .... Even the fucking Home Office let her violent ex-con fiancee alter his HDC curfew to marry her. They'll probably shut down the M25 so they can transport her body ala Lady Di with snuffling, weeping council types lining the route.

I'm unaffected, She's still an annoying pig in a dress.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:56, 6 replies)

Democracy
HAHA....FUCK YOU!! If you don't like it we're going to bomb the shit out of your country until you do!!

Meanwhile, back at our gaff we'll be happy in the knowledge that our entire health system is geared towards making money and not actually caring for anyone. The state of Tennessee spends more on the prison service than it does on tertiary education and 60% of the country still believes we came from the garden of Eden.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:38, 6 replies)

Training courses
They sent me on a bullying and harassment course at work...

then had a massive go at me when I gave the trainer a chinese burn.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:37, 1 reply)

Mother Theresa
IIRC her order regualrly "stored" huge donations in warehouses etc as only God would provide stuff. Maybe (s)he did by making people donate stuff...
(kitescreech still here, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:35, Reply)

Women in the office...
...who turn the heating up without bothering to consult anybody, but scream blue murder and call you selfish when you try and turn it down a couple of degrees.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:20, 9 replies)

"If there's one thing I won't tolerate it's violence!"
There is a classic story in my family that we often repeat again and again. I had been arguing with my sister and out of sheer frustration I smacked her across the head. My Mum spotted me (whoops) and came tearing out yelling:

"If there's one thing I won't tolerate it's violence!"

But she punctutated the word 'violence' with a slap around my chops. How's that for double standards!
(becks3uk, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Ms Hanky

Ms Hanky has turned the bathroom in our flat into a fucking Santa's grotto. The place is full of crap - bright yellow rubber ducks, some dayglo prawns, some plastic goldfish. It looks like a set for a fucking Disney movie or a really bad kitch art installation.

Not to mention the ENDLESS bottles, tubs, tubes, and boxes of lady stuff. There's absolutely no fucking room to move. Having a shave in the morning requires alot of manouvering, twisting and bending round all the crap she's put in there.

So when she turns round to me and has a go for leaving the toilet seat up because it adds a fraction of a second to her daily shit and shower routine, I do tend to grimace inwardly and bite my lip.

Things have got better recently since I discovered I can ALWAYS leave the toilet seat down now.

Though Ms Hanky wasn't too pleased when she discovered I've started pissing in the sink instead.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 10:55, 16 replies)

My missus....
Just this very morning, around 3:00am, I was awoken from my slumbers by an almighty punch in the back from the missus.

"What the f....!" I exclaimed.

"Would you stop fucking snoring!" she whined, "and farting as well what a fucking racket!" she added.

(Yes, she's quite a catch isn't she? Me too, on reflection...)

"No need to fucking lamp me though you daft bint! I'm not doing it on purpose!"

Anyway, by this time my blood was boiling. I'd spent 20 minutes trying to get to sleep earlier that night as she was performing her very own buzz-saw impersonation.

I was quietly seething with rage as she finally went back to sleep. And then she promptly began snoring again.

Then to top it all off, with almost comic timing, she proceeded to unleash an enormous thunderchuff.

I grabbed my pillow and headed for the sofa bed. There's just no fucking point.....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 24 Feb 2009, 10:36, 5 replies)

Redheads
Another from my mate Steve.

Was waiting for him to shut his tattoo place, we start talking about the lovely ladies, as you do.

"Wouldn't ever touch a redhead, mate," says Steve. "They look a bit scary to me, like demon women, all that fiery red hair. Wouldn't ever want to go there, fuck no!"

I'm busy trying to tie my shoelaces.

Steve waits a beat and says: "Anyway, they taste funny... when you're going, you know, downstairs on 'um."

I just stared at him for a while...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 10:34, 3 replies)

Bringing up the children
I have two lovely daughters. I do my best not to be hypocritical with them, and encourage them to question my statements and debate / argue with me as they see fit. I don't think I've ever used the words "we'll see" when I mean "no", nor just said "because I say so" as a reason for them to do / not do something.
God it's hard being a parent though. Because you have to instruct them to do things you know you didn't / don't do.

My relationship-life is a complete mess. I'm just not good at them, it appears. I don't set out to be a failure in this department, but if I have an Achilles heel, my love life is one of them.

So when my eldest asks for relationship advice - as she does, which is good - I have to tell her to do the opposite of what I do:

"don't rush in"
"hold back"
"make sure you don't let friendships go"
"don't fall too quickly"

This from the man whose recent marriage has been measured in weeks. Hmmm.

So I set the worst possible example to them. And it drives me mad. I just hope that the general rule that kids do the opposite of their parents holds true.

Because I wouldn't want them to fuck up as badly as their dad has done. No self-pity, this is my doing; just hope the love I show them means they don't fall for the wrong people to receive what you think at the time is love, but which turns out not to be...
( I_Was_Mordred, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 9:39, 6 replies)

Takeaway
My mate Steve rolled up at our local recently with his new girlfriend. He looked a bit sheepish. This girl was eighteen years old.

Not a problem, particularly, but Steve had given me loads of shit for going out with a girl five years younger than me a few years back. My ex was twenty-six at the time.

After the pub session the three of us went to the Chinese takeaway over the road.

"What you having, Spanky?" asks Steve.

"Hmmmm, think I'll have the pork um yung, Steve."

Could almost hear his teeth grinding.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 9:04, 7 replies)

HR people. Not all of them, just the 90% who give the rest a bad name.
"These are things we all have to put up with" - HR drone, in response to grievances.

Oh really? Last time I checked, you were earning more than national minimum / you work at a site with a subsidised canteen, not just a kettle, microwave, toaster and fridge / you are allowed to use a chair while you work / your building has effective heating in winter and cooling in summer / your building isn't a dangerously out-of-code firetrap lacking emergency lighting, with sometimes-locked firedoors / you don't have to deal with any public, or get threatened with knives / you don't have to do heavy lifting, emptying bins, or cleaning up shite / you don't have to predict the future, or get told off if you fail to predict an order just right / you can order whatever uniform you want or need.

So don't tell me what I have to put up with, isn't much to have to put up with.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 8:36, 2 replies)

They
called it an "AIDS Advert"

...but you try buying some.

(not technically hypocrisy)
(dchurch bah, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 7:58, 1 reply)

They call it a rape helpline...
... then won't give me any tips, the bastards
(Immy The Great gave himself to Jesus, but now Jesus never calls, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 6:01, Reply)

The God of Abraham.
(ie the God worshipped by Christians, Jews and Moslems)

Tell me how to live you wanker. You should be on Jerry Springer.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 2:02, 1 reply)

Retro
Had the misfortune of living in a shared house in Camden a year or two back.

Every fucker in that house was a, well, a fucker.

One particular hypocrite who comes to mind was the fuckwit indie kid, the Pete Doherty wannabe right down to the stupid fucking hat and drainpipe trousers.

This cunt would spend shitloads of money buying clothes in Camden Market, all the mouldy old piss and sweat smelling shit that anyone with any sense chucked out in the eighties and early ninetees. And this stuff costs an absolute fortune, the prices would make your eyes bleed.

I recall one time I was in the kitchen, looking over some gear I'd picked up at the Hornsey Trust shop my mate runs in Tufnell Park.

"Hey, cunty-balls (not his real name though quite fitting)," I said. "Look what I picked up in the charity shop. Only cost a tenner."

Cunty-balls looked at me like I'd just raped his mum. "Huh, charity shops! No thank you!"

"Erm, all your gear's second hand..."

"No," he said, indicating his Damon Albarn style shell suit top, complete with original wet dog smell. "This stuff is retro, the *ahem* clothing you buy is second hand."

Cunt.

I did piss on his toothbrush before I moved out, though. Made me feel loads better.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 23:17, 5 replies)

Light bulbs
I always make sure that all the low-energy lightbulbs are turned off in the house if no one's using them, and have a big moan at my housemates if they're left on, but leave my laptop on while I go and watch tv for an hour or so.
(deadly_sinners, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 22:44, 6 replies)

I think it’s sad
People spending their free time on websites, lurking, sending messages to people they’ve never even met, when they could be out there in the real world having some real fun.
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 22:32, Reply)

Everybody knows the banks have been taking the mick with bonuses recently...
...but how about the bank’s regulator, the FSA?

This year the FSA is increasing the maximum bonus staff can get up to 15% of salary, that’s worth a cool £23m apparently. On top of this they are topping up “out of kilter” salaries by another £10m or so to get them to a competitive level. How can the Government insist that bank employees who have failed don’t get a bonus and in the same breath pay over £30m in bonuses to their own failed employees?

To be perfectly frank, it will always be the case that some financial companies will push the rules to the limit in pursuit of a fast buck. It’s the regulator’s job to ensure that they don’t go too far and make the financial markets unstable. Having completely and utterly failed in this task, they don’t deserve a pay rise any more than the bankers do.
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 22:23, Reply)

Who is the hypocrite
Swiftcover, Iggy Pop or both?

"The car insurer which has a £25 million advertising campaign starring veteran rocker Iggy Pop refuses to insure musicians."

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1152657/Iggy-Pop-car-insurer-hits-bum-note--refuses-cover-musicians-entertainers.html
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 22:08, 4 replies)

A fatal beating
Around Christmas time Prince Edward was in the news for beating one of his dogs whilst out pheasant shooting. It was nothing story really, just the tabloids doing their normal Edward-bashing, but for some reason my Mom took the bait and decided to get upset about it. Never mind the human suffering in the world, some posh bloke hitting his dog is the thing to focus on.

Unsurprisingly when this came up one mid-Christmas mealtime my sister pointed out that hitting a dog with a stick wasn’t much of a story really.

“They’re only dogs. As long as he didn’t really lay into them that’s OK. Dogs need discipline.”

Mom shakes her head and says you can’t beat discipline into dogs.

“He might have been separating two dogs fighting,” says my sister.

Mom disagrees again, insisting you can’t fight violence with violence.

“We don’t know all the details. Without the facts we shouldn’t judge him” tries my sister a third time.

Mom continues the argument, saying that the fact he hit his dogs isn’t disputed and that is always cruel.

Having had quite enough of all this nonsense I stood up with a flourish and said, “For goodness’ sake Mom, you used to smack us when we were little. That was to discipline us, to stop us from fighting, and you did it without finding out what was going on half the time. Was that worse than hitting a dog?”

I love my Mom, and I think my parents did a great job bringing us up, but I had to shoot her down there, didn’t I?
( GarbageFan didn't know what to have as a board sig on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 22:01, 3 replies)

Moody old cunt by me old dentist's
A few years ago I was working some weird shift pattern with work (6am until 4pm I believe), wasn't that bad for early finishes. Me mam had asked me one afternoon to pick up m,y younger sister from her dentist, which was right besides her school and on the way home from work for me. No probs says I, so I get there at about 4.30 ish but I have a small problem. Nowhere to park at all. This dentist was situated on a narrow and incredibly busy road, so I drive into a nearby elderly housing area about 20 yards up from the dentists and park in the corner, out of the way of the other cars there.

I call in the dentist's, meet up with my sister and we go back to the car. To find that someone has parked bumper to bumper behind my car blocking me in. 2 elderly people were there, looking on.
As we approach, one of them says "What's happened there then, someone blocked you in?"
"Yeah...." says I, eye'ing the old cunt suspiciously.
"Shouldn't have parked there then shouldn't you."
Politely I say "Sorry, I could only park here as my sister was stranded at the dentist's otherwise mate. I'm on my way now."
"Did you read the sign?" He points at some "Only residents can park here" message.
"Move the car please" I say in monotone.
After 15 minutes of this he moves his car and I promptly "say goodbye" in the appropriate manner.

So apparently I parked "inappropriately", while he blocked me in inappropriately to "give me a message".

I gave him one back the next morning. I turned up outside his house at 5am while on the way to work with a council sticker saying "PLEASE MOVE YOUR VEHICLE; PARKING HERE IS A VIOLATION" and super-glued it to his windscreen. Irritating old cunt that he was.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 20:03, 5 replies)

I administer the web proxy at work
We block out all kinds of stuff (including b3ta). I don't exclude myself from the blocking for debugging purposes but do 90% of my browsing through an SSH tunnel.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 19:38, 7 replies)

Governmental Hypocrisy on a grand scale
It's not terribly surprising that a politician might be a little hypocritical, but this takes the biscuit.

In summary:
Jacqui Smith - Home Secretary and Champion of multiple Snitch On Your Neighbours Schemes - has been snitched on by her neighbours.

Apparently she's received £116,000 expenses by claiming that a bedroom in her sisters house is her primary residence and so the taxpayer must shell out for the house in Redditch that her husband and kids live in. But neighbours of her sister have reported that she's hardly ever there.

Benefit Fraud Hotline strikes again!


( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 18:10, 21 replies)

In the bedroom
'AAaaarrrggg....aarrrhgghhh.....nnngggg aaaerrggg....oooooeerrrr....aaaahhhh!'.

That is the sound of me finishing up in the bedroom. Then she says, 'You haven't just come have you?'. Now the sarcastic part of me wants to say something along the lines of 'No, I just did those ridiculous face contortions for fun'. Who am I to stop good sarcasm? So that is exactly what I say.

'Arrg, you're so selfish. You just don't care about me do you?'.

Readers I should point out at this point that this was after a romantic dinner that I cooked at my house which took ages (read: 30 mins tops) and tasted delicious (read:wasn't burnt). I had also brought her to climax orally just before then(apparently I'm very good - ladies please use my agent to book appointments.) so I think mere utterance of my lack of care is rather hypocritical to say the least. Then I did a big fart, rolled over and went to sleep. Some woman eh?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:58, 3 replies)