Funny things....
I'm sure there's plenty of stories I've heard that i can't remember but these'll do for a start...

My Mum used to work as a barmaid in the early 80's when video recorders were first becoming popular, the locals were discussing the merits of VCR when one local said'I think I'm going to sell my TV and buy one of these video things...'
or the lovely but ever so slightly simple worker in our local who asked 'How is it that Australia's six months behind us, yet they celebrate Christmas at the same time?'

Working at a call centre for a major high st bank, dealing with aditional borrowing on the mortgages always bring up some pearlers,
Like the guy who owed us about 12 month's worth of mortgage payments and wanted to borrow the money from us to pay us our arrears back!?! or the people who have no job,no income and want to borrow money because their house is worth loads!
In general I find that individual members of the public are inteligent, but collectively the general public are as thick as pigshit.

Never work with children,animals or the general public.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 21:51, Reply)

I was working as the Helpdesk Administrator at the University of Southern Mississippi....
When two girls come in, one of them needing her email password reset. Theres noone else about whos not on a call so I dutifully walk over to the counter to assist.

"I love your accent! Where are you from?" One of the girls asks me.

"Thanks! I'm from England." I reply.

"Do they speak English there?" She asks, perfectly sincerely...

I look at her like shes out of her tiny mind, and say "Yesss".

"So you didn't have to learn another Language or anything, thats good!"

"Yesssssss..."

God bless American college students.

Oh, and then there was the lady who thought England was the little island up near Boston, Massachusets.. you know, up by the coast of Canada...

I love the USA. :)
(Napstitch, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 21:14, Reply)

Film Class
watched 'Last Temptation of Christ.'

Teacher: What kind of symbolism did you notice?
Nob*: Well, the movie seemed to have a lot of religious undertones.

*Note: Nob may be a genius or an ace at deadpan sarcasm
(ZugZwang refuses to update his profile., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 21:01, Reply)

All from the same Roommate.
Him: "They installed Unreal Tournament on my PS2 memory card"
(Five minuites later)
Him: "Dammit, that guy in the shop lied to me!"

Him: "Who's that actor?"
Me: "Ken Dodd" (sarcastically)
Him: "No, he's the London mayor isn't he?"

"America's been blown up!" (on 9/11)

He's said other (and probably better) things, I will post as I remember them
(BarneyBob, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:59, Reply)

I work at part time at the local Scumerfield...
...on the deli, which is absolute hell.

I used to work with a girl (blonde of course) who was as thick as two short planks. One day we were chatting and somehow (i forget how) the conversation moved onto Jean Claude Van Damme.

Her: Where is he from?
Me: I think he is Belgian, which is why they call him "the muscles from Brussels."
Her: Brussels? I thought that was up north somewhere!

Another person that works there is a short extremely smelly waster called... well he shall remain nameless. Once, when I was stacking shelves he came up to me with a box full of Daz saying he was unable to find the sell-by-date on it. He also did the same with a box of tin foil.

Heaven help us!
(Mr Slippyfist, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:58, Reply)

and there's more...
Someone in my Masters program was giving a presentation on an article she'd found in the newspaper about a ban on junk food vending machines in schools. For the purposes of getting some "participation points," I brought up the following point:
"If the school officials are so concerned for the students' health, why don't they ensure they're not feeding the children over-processed, genetically modified food for their lunch as well?"

The presenter replied:
"Yeah... I think there was something about that in the article, but they didn't use SUCH BIG WORDS!"

Graduate school, eh?
(emgee, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:56, Reply)

Religious self doubt
When we decided to get married, my hubby-to-be and I scouted out churches that we thought were the prettiest...as you do.

Having decided on the nicest one, we approached the vicar/minister/father/religious person in charge after the service/ceremony/mass/whatever.

When he asked my hubby-to-be what religion he was, it all got too much for him and panic took over. He blurted that he knew he was protestant but he was either apostolic, or anglican, or seventh day adventist, or baptist, or methodist before finally arriving back at Anglican.

I stared at my shoes in shame.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:54, Reply)

Stupid American Bints
Couple of years ago I was on a Eurostar journey with my family. A family of Yankee fools were sitting across from us. One of teen girls pipes up with the brilliant

"Can you take Eurostar to New York"

Even my brother who was about 8 at the time pissed himself laughing!
(rflook, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:53, Reply)

Red states.
One of the guys I was doing an English project with spent fifteen minutes explaining to me why Catholics weren't Christians.
He'd have gone on for longer, but finally I just pretended to agree with him. No use arguing with people like that.
(fantastic german, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:41, Reply)

Working as a till monkey at a supermarket, you hear lots of things.
"What would you rather have: tourettes or parkinson's?"
(McChaff, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:39, Reply)

Whilst in Canada on a snowboarding holiday
we bumped into some Americans and got chatting. They asked where we were from and I replied "England", to which they responded:
"So how did you get here, did you fly or drive?"
I really really had to stop myself just laughing in their faces.

Oh, and the other classic was the girlfriend of my exlandlord who really was thick as mince. She would sit in front of films like Goldfinger for half an hour before pointing at one of the henchmen and asking "Is he a goody or a baddy".
Her best moment though was when I informed her that I was a vegetarian. She responded, in all seriousness, with:
"So, do you eat potatoes then?"
( Hagbard ... it's been a long time., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:39, Reply)

My mother-in-law....bless her
Calls her catalytic converter her carcinogenic converter.

Actually sounds pretty good. Wish I had one in my lungs to sop up all the nicotine.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:37, Reply)

In Science, after an experiment which made the room smell of cabbage
Craig walked in late and proclaimed "This room smells of drugs." Then he started to sniff his coat and said "S'not me."

Oh, and I once had to explain MSN to a very stupid policeman. "Instant messaging system" confused him, so I said "It's like a phone call but you type instead of talking, and you can talk to more people at a time, and it's free." He responded, "Right..." and looked at me as if I needed to see the narc squad.

My school's full of ignorant people. If you've got til Monday I'll quote you a stack.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:37, Reply)

Noooooo!
Was talking to a young American boy a little while ago, who thought that our (English) currency was francs!
(Pocahontus the Mermaid with Wings, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:36, Reply)

Pi
not me, but I had the same teacher, and can confirm his uselessness.

Back at school a physics class a couple of years above mine were doing some calculation or other involving pi. The teacher was basically trying to prove the calculation. In order to achieve this wonderous feat he decided that rounding pi to equal 4 was accurate enough.

No wonder my physics set basically took it upon ourselves to learn what we needed to, teacher in question didnt stay very long at the school
(spool32 k-rap remixer - wit me day saver, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:34, Reply)

Scottish neds
In Dunfermline bus station waiting room one Saturday morning, there were a crowd of young sengas (female chavs) who were probably about 15, who were discussing how overjoyed and love-stricken they were with the burberry clad apes who had marked them as their territory.
One of them loudly and excitedly bragged in a doe-eyed fashion to her mates (and the rest of the waiting room), about the guy who had sent her a text message formally expressing his interest in her at 4am.
They all gushed in unison about how romantic it was to receive such a passionate confirmation of love after she read out (Imagine this in typical Scottish ned drawl): "Dear Shelly. Ah waaant tae shag ye, an' lick yur fanny . . . . . text back?"

No amount of fake coughing could stifle my laughter.
(Barry Subchimp, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:32, Reply)

I do graphics, she does construction. We had to build a windmill.
Me: Just because you study construction doesn't mean that you have apply all of your knowledge here.
Her: I'd still be better at this than you.
Me: You don't need to study construction, you need common sense.
Her: I don't need common sense! I can get perfectly far in life without common sense!
(The Strawberry Grower, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Mothers in law.
The ex mother in law was visiting ex hubby and I in LA with her husband. They drove to San Francisco up in Northern California which ex hubby and I had visited once. Round about the time we expected them to get there, they called us with the immortal line:

"We can't find anywhere to park. Is there anywhere near to the hotel we should park?"

Current mother in law on Christmas Day was showing her new camera phone off to the family. Out of her mouth:
"I'd take pictures, but I don't have any film in it. Where do you get film that small anyway?" Cue much howling from the family of various ages.

Friend of mine from California visiting us in York. While we're standing at the checkout she looked around and said:
"Well, everyone looks the same - I thought they'd be a different colour or something".

And this one from the husbands friend who is sat next to me!
(It's pissing it down with rain here)

Him - "So, what's the rain like in England?"
Me - "Er, rain"
Him - "Yes, but is it different"
Me - "Yes, raindrops are usually purple"
Him - "Oh fuck off!"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:26, Reply)

Oh oh oh!
Can't even be bothered to read other replies before i post this! i Have a friend who is a gold mine of stupidity.

Conversation about cartoons goes as follows:
Me: something about japanese cartoons
Friend: "Oh yeah, like, what's it called, enima!"
Me: Luaghing, "erm, you mean anime?"
Friend: "Uh yeah, so whats enima then?"
Me: "its when they shove a tube up your arse to flush it out"
Friend: "Ooooh, like colonial interrogation... right... why are you luaghing?"

This was mid secondary school, but still, wtf?
(Graz Da Frog, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:16, Reply)

too many to list...
... but here are some good ones.

Phone conversation:
Me: Hello?
Stranger: Oh, I must have the wrong number.
Me: OK, bye!
Stranger: I was looking for ADT Security.
Me: Yes, you do have the wrong number, bye!
Stranger: Do you have their phone number?

A favorite from working in a rather large bookshop:
Where is the nonfiction section?
(I once replied "it's the bit of the store outside the fiction section.")

Overheard in a convenience store:
Middle-aged woman to very old man: It was the greatest film ever! You have to rent it. The Wayans Brothers actually DRESS UP as WHITE CHICKS!
(emgee, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:10, Reply)

More American dumbassery
I grew up in a small town, village, really and until my late teens, thought that you called elevators to you. You had to figure out where the elevator was and press the correct button to make it come up or down to your floor. Somehow I had missed the fact there was no up button on the top floor. I was in awe of people who pushed the button right away. "My, they certainly are quick at figuring out where the elevator car is!"

I mentioned this in passing to my mother (who had grown up in the hills of Appalachia) and she looked at me aghast. "And you're going to COLLEGE next year???"


I was much younger for this one: In 1964, we got a new station wagon with an automatic back window. We asked my dad what made it go up and down magically and he told us little elves lived in the bottom of the window crack and rolled it up and down. Imagine his chagrin when we felt sorry for the hungry little elves and poured cereal and milk down the window slot. In high summer. In Michigan.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:02, Reply)

travelling in the car with my nan one day..
we see a "kerfuffle" going on outside a private hospital, traffic is stoppped and there were a load of godbotherer's blocking the road with anti-abortion placards, chanting a lot of hateful things at the tortured patients walking into the place... bad stuff. Nan turns to me and says "so what do you think about this anti urination business?" ..... to say i nearly wet myself laughing is an understatement. gawd bless er. daft bat.
(joey deacon, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 20:01, Reply)

Arson About
While in work today, I was making Spaghetti and toast while on my lunch. Due to the crap nature of the bread involved and the cheap ass toaster my workplace bought for the "kitchen" (it's basically a shoe boxed sized "Tea Room", I think it's an "anti skiving measure") the toast burned.

Then the lovely smell of bread transforming to carbon via excessive heating infiltrated the surrounding offices. Compouned by the fact that there are no windows in the kitchen and a cheap and nasty extraction fan the size of a fingernail (well, it might as well be).

Anyhow, numerous people had walked past and not batted an eyelid, knowing full well that yours truly has burned the toast. Some total dingus, inevitably, had to ask.

Person: Did you burn toast?

Me: (deadpans) No, I was merely sharpening my arson skills.

Cue people looking at me in disgust, and other office members "shoe gazing".

Syyeaeah!! right!!, Like I WAS GOING to burn the workplace down !!!

Pfffffffft! I am surrounded by twunts in my job....
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:58, Reply)

On an Amerib3tan in the Dam
I took the train from a business meeting in Maastricht to Amsterdam in hopes of some rest and um relaxation, and co-mingling with the locals. Anyhoo, the first bar I walk into (I won't name it) contains 3 or 4 americans huddled in a corner. We end up meeting, and the following conversation ensues:

Me: Hi, howrya?
One of em: Good, howrya? We're from Salt Lake City, Utah, where are you from?
Me: I'm from New Hampshire.
Another of em: New Hampshire? That's a new one!
Me: Are you kidding? It's in the states! It's not too far from Boston!
One of em: Oh yea, Boston.

I swear on the corpses of sundry dead relations that this is a fairly accurate transcript of the conversation. Also, they were all over the age of 40. As an added "bonus" I kept running into their happy holiday heads ever frikkin time I turned a corner, all weekend and at all hours. (loves the Dam)
(Drunkendragon, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:54, Reply)

My friends Tubbz is a right numpty
i called him a fat lump of useless shit so he replied by saying "God Luke, why are you always so contraseptive"
(fistcount shite, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:52, Reply)

when i was back at school many years ago in my gcse RE lesson
the teacher mr Ahmed asked a chavvy boy David if he could name one of the human senses. "uhhhh....Fire?"

i was wetting myself as were my other two friends being the non chavvy types we knew it was a face that humans did not have 'Fire' as a sense. But the rest of the chavvy class thought he was right and couldnt understand why we were laughing. ugh.
(Sparkypinkguitar, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:42, Reply)

a blonde moment
a few years ago i took my (then) girlfriend down to an old air-strip so she could practise driving my car about (she wanted a go before her first lesson)
she mentioned that the pedals all had a different texture on them.
'ah, yes' said i jokingly, 'thats so blind people know which one is which'
this got me in trouble a few weeks later, when her mum nearly crashed her car laughing after been told the 'fact' earnestly by my gf during a motorway journey
(jazzpotato, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:31, Reply)

Whilst sitting in a train station...
An angry American man says to his wife while unfolding an enormous map of England, "I can't seem to find Edinburug here anywhere."

Also, my old history teacher used to do tours of Bannockburn, site of Robert Bruce's most famous battle against the English in 1314. He enjoyed pointing towards a large 60's built building and telling tourists that was the very school in which Bruce was educated.
(Spinkeh, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:25, Reply)

penguins
at the zoo my friend asked if the ID tags on the penguins wings were to stop them flying away...
(wheresmybucket, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:19, Reply)

Having finished watching "A Beautiful Mind"...
...with dearest mother, she asks:

"Is he a real person?"

"Yes Mother, he was a gladiator"

How was I supposed to know she didn't mean Russel Crowe?
(underachiever, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 19:13, Reply)